You weren’t the best boyfriend.
You were an amazing boyfriend.
You held me close at night and kissed my shoulder.
You never text me first. I have to text in question format just so that you’ll reply.
You didn’t want to say I love you.
You were the first person to say I love you to me and mean it and it changed my life.
You made me cry so many times.
You bought Christmas gifts for two sets of girlfriends. Markers for me and a sweater for her.
You said things to purposefully hurt me.
You lead me on. You lead yourself on. You convinced yourself of things to make it easier for you.
You smiled at me when I walked through the door.
You massaged my feet when I was tired.
You had sex with Grace while I was in Princeton waiting for you.
You broke up with Grace for me.
You paid for me to fly out to Ohio to meet your entire family.
You convinced yourself we’re not compatible.
You brought me a rose to wake me up with on an entirely random day.
You broke up with me 2 days before Valentine’s day.
You told me to go to Australia.
You drove me around everywhere.
You picked me up from work anytime I asked without a moment’s hesitation.
You drove me around in the ghetto of Philly so that I could go to a Regina Spektor concert without you.
I couldn’t let myself come to terms with ANY of it…not the black or the white…so I held on desperately to colors. To my ideals. Because I thought eventually faith would be enough. I didn’t let myself see anything other than what I wanted to see because I wasn’t strong enough yet. But I’m strong enough now to fix the hues. I was never wrong…and the magic was real…but without opening my eyes I could do nothing. I was stuck because I wanted to be stuck. I didn’t want to see the truth. I didn’t want to deal. I didn’t want to move on. I wanted it the world to not just keep turning…but turn on its head. And from that place I learned nothing. And I grew in no way. Let me not be unfair to myself…I grew and I learned…but I stunted myself and I caged myself in. And living a fantasy was beautiful…but its what made this past year feel so shallow. I was living in the world I wanted to live in…and that made me happy on some level…but the world I was living in was technicolor.
I want more. I want truth. And from that place of humanity comes ecstasy. I wasn’t even living in a dreamworld…I was living in a cage. A cage I was happy to be in…but only happy. Not filled. Happy is not good enough for me. And happy is not what I want. I clung desperately to what I thought I wanted. Not that I’m saying Peter isn’t what I wanted…because he was…but I gave up too much to have him and never acknowledged that. Even in a future with Peter in the picture…I want a different future. Not this one I’m stuck in. I don’t think I need to go to Australia to take that leap anymore…I just needed to see the cliff’s edge to learn to break free. And now I can fly again. It may not seem rational to need to drive to the edge of the world to finally see reality…but in someway…it means I’ve soaked up as much of it as I can. But now I need to realize just that: I’ve soaked up as much of it as I can. And now I need to move on. To a new world. A new reality. One with more truth. More growth. More LIFE. One that allows me to fly.
To freedom. To love. To LIFE.
From great pain comes great freedom.