I am feeling so many things. It’s like once Emlyn left this whole damn of things I’ve been avoiding spilled out…guilt about Conor…shame about Rob…missing Peter. I wish there was a simple answer but it’s January and the shadows are descending. That’s the way to go. And above all…I feel as if I miss pain. I miss having something to deal with…being happy for a year straight feels shallow and stagnant…I look back at this year and feel as if I’m looking at a plateau. As if I’ve hid some emotions from myself to simply be “happy”…and painted over things to make them better than they were…which is wonderful…but I don’t really feel the grit of life. And sometimes I want grit. I know I’m going to choke on these words because the mid-January drama is coming I can feel it and I know it’s waiting. Maybe that’s what this is about…anticipation. Or maybe it’s just natural after the unbelievable New Years I had.
No more distractions. That’s what this is. And now I’m just alone with myself.
This is healthy, this is what I need. To sometimes just sit with myself and be honest…get it out and move on…to just paint over it and pretend like its something that its not distorts my world in a way that just leaves me feeling empty. And I want to be whole. I haven’t felt whole in such a long time…I’ve felt happy…very happy…sometimes even deeply happy…but happy is such a surface emotions…its what so many people make us think is what we want…but it is so…American. So bland. And so unfulfilling. I want to feel bliss again. And heartbreak. And ecstatic with love for the universe. That’s where I want to be.
Life isn’t simple. There isn’t any easy way out of what’s happened with Conor. I just have to accept that and move on. Rob means nothing but I have to learn from that mistake. And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Peter. He is such a part of me.
And so is Hun. So deeply. Being there today was such an experience…reminded of who I am…who I was…what life meant to me so long ago…it feels so distant…and it hasn’t even been 2 years…life changes at a speed and with a force and with a power. And yet I’m still there…I forgot how much I was there and how much I remain. I will always be there. Life moves. And we breathe. And all we can be is here. Breathe in the air that is here and live.
LIVE. LIVE. LIVE. With all of your heart. Do not tame my heart.