I should never go to Kristey’s facebook right after I’ve finished my make up.
I miss you so much babygirl. I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I knew you were getting all the love we’re sending to you.
I don’t know where you are but your presence is so strong that you make me believe.
You are forever.

“You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?

And if you were with me tonight,
I’d sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn’t let it live.
May angels lead you in.”

She is love. And love never dies. She is everywhere.

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I’ve had butterflies in my stomach for a week straight…I don’t know how this has happened. Or how the whole world can change its colors overnight. All I know right now is that love is real. Love is REAL.

“Call me crazy, but I still believe very much in
untainted, unchanging, everlasting love.
Despite the heartbreak and the disappointment
that follows each mismatch, I’ve never failed to
pick myself right back up to dive into yet another dream.
It’s just that I’ve seen rainbows without the rain,
I’ve felt the ground shake as I prayed,
I’ve witnessed light shine from darkness, so I’ve concluded that
true love must be out there waiting for us”

“If you desire love in your life, cultivate it yourself,
in your own dreams and desires,
in the mark you want to make during your brief span here,
in the lessons learned, in the smiles as much as the scars.
Fill yourself up with love,
rather than waiting for someone to do it for you.”

“Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get.
Life should be touched, not strangled.
You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times,
and at others, move forward with it.”
-Ray Bradbury-

You weren’t the best boyfriend.
You were an amazing boyfriend.
You held me close at night and kissed my shoulder.
You never text me first. I have to text in question format just so that you’ll reply.
You didn’t want to say I love you.
You were the first person to say I love you to me and mean it and it changed my life.
You made me cry so many times.
You lied.
You cheated.
You bought Christmas gifts for two sets of girlfriends. Markers for me and a sweater for her.
You said things to purposefully hurt me.
You lead me on. You lead yourself on. You convinced yourself of things to make it easier for you.
You smiled at me when I walked through the door.
You massaged my feet when I was tired.
You had sex with Grace while I was in Princeton waiting for you.
You broke up with Grace for me.
You paid for me to fly out to Ohio to meet your entire family.
You convinced yourself we’re not compatible.
You brought me a rose to wake me up with on an entirely random day.
You broke up with me 2 days before Valentine’s day.
You told me to go to Australia.
You drove me around everywhere.
You picked me up from work anytime I asked without a moment’s hesitation.
You drove me around in the ghetto of Philly so that I could go to a Regina Spektor concert without you.

I couldn’t let myself come to terms with ANY of it…not the black or the white…so I held on desperately to colors. To my ideals. Because I thought eventually faith would be enough. I didn’t let myself see anything other than what I wanted to see because I wasn’t strong enough yet. But I’m strong enough now to fix the hues. I was never wrong…and the magic was real…but without opening my eyes I could do nothing. I was stuck because I wanted to be stuck. I didn’t want to see the truth. I didn’t want to deal. I didn’t want to move on. I wanted it the world to not just keep turning…but turn on its head. And from that place I learned nothing. And I grew in no way. Let me not be unfair to myself…I grew and I learned…but I stunted myself and I caged myself in. And living a fantasy was beautiful…but its what made this past year feel so shallow. I was living in the world I wanted to live in…and that made me happy on some level…but the world I was living in was technicolor.

I want more. I want truth. And from that place of humanity comes ecstasy. I wasn’t even living in a dreamworld…I was living in a cage. A cage I was happy to be in…but only happy. Not filled. Happy is not good enough for me. And happy is not what I want. I clung desperately to what I thought I wanted. Not that I’m saying Peter isn’t what I wanted…because he was…but I gave up too much to have him and never acknowledged that. Even in a future with Peter in the picture…I want a different future. Not this one I’m stuck in. I don’t think I need to go to Australia to take that leap anymore…I just needed to see the cliff’s edge to learn to break free. And now I can fly again. It may not seem rational to need to drive to the edge of the world to finally see reality…but in someway…it means I’ve soaked up as much of it as I can. But now I need to realize just that: I’ve soaked up as much of it as I can. And now I need to move on. To a new world. A new reality. One with more truth. More growth. More LIFE. One that allows me to fly.

To freedom. To love. To LIFE.

From great pain comes great freedom.

Fly.

I don’t like waiting on text messages and sitting on facebook and feeling so far away. I hate it actually. I miss looking into his eyes and seeing something real. I don’t want to feel trapped anymore. I want him to be mine again. Or I want to no longer want him. This in between is something wicked.

“I used to be afraid of so many things; that I’d never grow up,
that I’d be trapped in the same place for all eternity,
that my dreams would forever by shy of my reach.
It’s true what they say, time plays tricks on you.
One day you’re dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality.
And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me
wherever I go, I miss her. I do.
‘Cause there are things I want to tell her;
to relax, to lighten up, that it’s all going to be okay.
I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you,
who actually accept you for who you are,
will become an increasingly rare occurrence.
These people who contributed to who I am, they’re with me wherever I go.
And as history gets rewritten in small ways with
each passing day, my love for them only grows.
‘Cause the truth is, it was the best of times.
Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned,
but all of that has receded into fond memory now.
How does it happen? Why are we so quick to
forget the bad and romanticize the good?
Maybe it’s ‘cause we need to believe that the time we spent together
actually meant something, that we were there for each other
in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we’ll never forget.
I can’t swear this is exactly how it happened, but this is how I felt.”

I’m getting cold feet again…and that sucks. Everyone seems to think I’m so free and yet it seems to me like I’m just like all the rest…terrified to break this mold and be free all for myself. Maybe that’s not what its about…but I don’t know. I think about leaving my friends and I get so sad. Maybe that’s a good thing…that I care so much. I care SO much. That’s what people don’t get. They think I’m just a butterfly with no shoes and no cares and I care SO much about everything. I care about people…not so much what they think about me…but people matter to me. Places matter to me. Moments in time.

I miss Peter so much. I miss that look. I love him so deeply…and I fear I always will. Perhaps I shouldn’t fear that…perhaps I should embrace it. Maybe that’s the only way to move on. But we shouldn’t have to move on from a love that deep…it feels so wrong. I’m looking at pictures and the man he is today is not the man I met. I’m trying to see where the pieces got lost and I just can’t find the beginning or the end. We are everywhere and always. Love is real. And love never dies. And that makes it so viscerally painful. He will always be the one that saved me though. He’s the one who took my pain away. And gave me new pain. He is still my life. And that is the problem.

How am I ever going to get over him? Well. I know I won’t if I stay here. I can’t. So off to the other side of the world, I go. For you. Always for you.

Always.

Love is whole. And the reason I no longer feel whole is because our love is now one sided. There. That’s the truth.

I am feeling so many things. It’s like once Emlyn left this whole damn of things I’ve been avoiding spilled out…guilt about Conor…shame about Rob…missing Peter. I wish there was a simple answer but it’s January and the shadows are descending. That’s the way to go. And above all…I feel as if I miss pain. I miss having something to deal with…being happy for a year straight feels shallow and stagnant…I look back at this year and feel as if I’m looking at a plateau. As if I’ve hid some emotions from myself to simply be “happy”…and painted over things to make them better than they were…which is wonderful…but I don’t really feel the grit of life. And sometimes I want grit. I know I’m going to choke on these words because the mid-January drama is coming I can feel it and I know it’s waiting. Maybe that’s what this is about…anticipation. Or maybe it’s just natural after the unbelievable New Years I had.

No more distractions. That’s what this is. And now I’m just alone with myself.

This is healthy, this is what I need. To sometimes just sit with myself and be honest…get it out and move on…to just paint over it and pretend like its something that its not distorts my world in a way that just leaves me feeling empty. And I want to be whole. I haven’t felt whole in such a long time…I’ve felt happy…very happy…sometimes even deeply happy…but happy is such a surface emotions…its what so many people make us think is what we want…but it is so…American. So bland. And so unfulfilling. I want to feel bliss again. And heartbreak. And ecstatic with love for the universe. That’s where I want to be.

Life isn’t simple. There isn’t any easy way out of what’s happened with Conor. I just have to accept that and move on. Rob means nothing but I have to learn from that mistake. And I don’t know if I will ever stop missing Peter. He is such a part of me.

And so is Hun. So deeply. Being there today was such an experience…reminded of who I am…who I was…what life meant to me so long ago…it feels so distant…and it hasn’t even been 2 years…life changes at a speed and with a force and with a power. And yet I’m still there…I forgot how much I was there and how much I remain. I will always be there. Life moves. And we breathe. And all we can be is here. Breathe in the air that is here and live.

LIVE. LIVE. LIVE. With all of your heart. Do not tame my heart.

Now.

“You have to make your own little pieces of magic,
like the room with the stars on the ceiling
where you could be in bed and look up at infinity.”

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
-Louisa May Alcott-

“In the face of my life all I can do is panic.
Such is my useless and pathetic youth.
Now, what we acquire along with our first wrinkle is
our trust in life, this consent and this smile which says,
Friend, I know all about you.
Looking back, we will learn.
Life never deceives man.
Life has never deceived man.”
– Yellow Tears (Kiroii Namida)

“The instant their eyes first met, there was a flicker
of something almost electrical that made her
hope that the feeling would last forever”

They came to sit and dangle their feet off the edge of the world
and after awhile they forgot everything but
the good and true things they would do someday.
– Story People

Here’s to 2010…a year of LIFE.

My new year’s resolution: To live wholly and truly, with no regrets, for myself.