I needed this. I needed this crazy journey to take me all these places and confuse me so deeply and wholly to show me all these things that really aren’t the way I want them to be. To see all these holes where the light is shining through. And to be given the opportunity to heal them…to be whole once more. What I’m doing right now isn’t what I really, truly want. And what I hope for more than anything is to hold on to this clarity that I feel in this moment. It’s not about ultimate happiness…or even supreme truth…it’s about what I need now…and what I want out of life.
I don’t want Peter to control our entire relationship any longer. I don’t want to go to Australia for him. I don’t want to not go to Australia for him. I don’t want to hate him…and I don’t want to victimize myself…I just want to understand the truth…whatever is happening right now…it’s just not working. It’s not fulfilling for either of us…and I don’t want to waste my life biding my time. I want to be honest with myself. That’s what I want. Perhaps, for a while, even….that is what I wanted. But not now. No longer. I can live without you. I have a heart that beats hard and fast and strong. But I don’t often let it quiet enough to REALLY listen to it. And then follow that truth.
Regardless of what happens next semester…no matter where I am…I am going to live for myself…and only make decisions for people who make decisions for me.
The fact is…I can be happy most anywhere…with anyone…but am I truly fulfilled? Really alive? I want to be fully and wholly alive.
I’m living life for myself…and living it to the fullest…the most beautiful, the most fulfilling, the most magical life I can.
Life always comes back around. Circles with circles. Forever.
Here’s to freedom. To truth. Beauty. Love. And LIFE.