So I’m sitting in my room…it’s the last day of 2009. On the one hand it feels as if this year has vanished before my eyes…on the other hand…thinking back to laying in bed in the castle feels like an entire lifetime ago. This journey has bounced and collapsed and led me in so many directions I never imagined. A year ago…my whole life was Peter…filled with hope and love…and now that reality seems so distant, idealized and young…like this distant melody that once danced through my ears. Now, the notes that pass through me are finally getting me back on my feet to dance for myself. I spent so much of this year trying to get back the reality I had one year ago…and now…this next year will be about something completely new. Something for myself. Something free, beautiful and untamed.

But here’s to an incredible decade.

Here’s to real and full and true love. That just can’t be. Here’s to waking up in love’s arms. Falling asleep in tears. A king sized bed in a haunted castle. To ouija boards. More pictures than I could ever imagine. To 208B. To the castle boys. Never getting out of bed. Sex in every room. To Dan and Kasey and Kyle. To smoking weed on the back porch. To LONDON PREVIEW! Holding hands on the Thames Bridge. Kissing in front of Big Ben. To green beer on St. Patrick’s day. To the terrible sickness Peter and I both got. To taking care of each other. To Obama’s inauguration. To breaking up and getting back together and crying and finding out about Grace and taking nyquill and realizing we love each other. To him telling me he loves me in the middle of Trafalgar square. To 3WK. To moving out of the castle in tears and heartbroken. To saying goodbye to Peter. To a lonely and long summer. A crazy birthday. To being 19. To skyping with Peter. And missing him so much I couldn’t sleep. To Janak’s insane birthday weekend. To Beaver the Wrench Williams. And Julia and Janak breaking up. Janak and Ali breaking up. To ukes. And the Hun School. South Pacific. All My Children. Macbeth. And finally feeling like an alumni. To nannying the Maraviglias and those crazy children. To waiting all day to talk to Peter. To Julia trying to jump out the window and set the house on fire. To traveling all over. To the pool and the beach. To upstate New York with the Worthingtons. To Doug! To learning to drive. To Peter flying me out to Ohio. To being back in his arms. To bonfires and horses and meeting his family and friends. To falling back in love. To seeing Abby at the pool. To feeling blissful love. To California. To being back with Bryan. To climbing up a mountain in Yosemite. To the oasis at the top. To wine country. The Pacific Coast. To Harry Potter 6. To sneaking on top of the Museum of Natural History to watch the Harry Potter premiere. To a weekend in NYC with Emlyn. To Brooklyn Warehouse parties. Monty Geer. Bad mistakes in London with Graham. To Harrisburg and visiting 3WK and seeing Harry Potter in IMAX. To MONTREAL! Sneaking out of the country on a spur of the moment decision without my mom knowing. And getting away with it. To Frederick the Armadillo. To KRISTEY KING. Bella. To love. To the day that changed everything. 8.1.09. To my first wake and funeral and to a life that united us all. To Kristey bringing AJ Sweeney and I together in San Fransisco. To a girl that can never die. To W.W.K.D. programs. To being so happy and excited to move back to Arcadia. To Knight 207C. To Zack Shelton. To finally back to Peter. To fighting again in Atlantic City. To Jackie Sherman as a crazy roommate. To auditions and getting in to Princess Rescuers at a movie on the field. To 3WK reunited again. To peppermint schnapps patties. To Bryan and Ryan visiting. To cheese balls and Shrek Super Party. To smoking again for the first time at Drew’s. To driving around in Peter’s car listening to Fireflies or Shining Down. To Fright Fest and riding Kingda Ka. To spore. And getting to the center of the universe. That epically painful sunburn. And the girls driving me to sonic at 3am to tell me that Mia is pregnant and engaged. Going to Jackie’s Vermont house at the beginning of the year. Sledding and walking on a frozen lake. Dmitriy and I doing almost everything together over the summer. Emlyn getting very very mad at us for that. Rus trying to kiss Peter all the time. Avoiding Kyle. Emlyn getting hit by a taxi. Insane spider bites. And meth. Jeremy and Alex. Me throwing up on Nikko’s bed. Lefki’s attempt to forget her own name. Lefki and I’s wedding. The Princess Rescuers and meeting all sorts of wonderful new people. Mary McCool and her craziness. Home. The Exonerated. Jeremy coming for Halloween. The Halloween dance. Dmitriy visiting. Sick sick sick on Thanksgiving. Icky. Regina Spektor concert with Emlyn. New Dashboard Album. Glee. Bad Romance. The Climb. Lying about with golden light streaming through the window onto Peter and I sleeping together on a twin sized bed. Hours and hours of animal planet. Grilled cheeses. Traveling to and fro from Oak. Richie Rambo. Cases of Bud Light Lime. Smoking with Carrie. Farmville! College day on the parkway. Blonde hair, dark hair, bangs and more. Knight Club. Enter Sandman. Black and Gold. Minstrel’s Prayer. MJ Tribute. Princess Rescuers all in one weekend. Festival nominations. Spirit Gum and a moustache. Bedazzled unitard. Finals. More broken hearts. More love. Moving out of Knight. Battling with Australia. Coming home. Christmas with the brothers. Down to DC to see Emlyn. Family bliss. Wizard People. Emlyn’s 20th. And now finally to a new year.

It’s been quite a year. Quite a wonderful year. A year of hope, love and growth. And now, let’s celebrate.

It’s all worth it. Always. No matter what. Life is worth living…and the moments in between the moments that slither away into the golden light…those are what I hold on to…those are the moments I can’t capture here. And those are love. And Kristey is everywhere with me. She is a force of love that moves. She has joined the universe and I love to feel her on the wind. Life is always worth it.

TO LIFE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I’m sitting here really truly understanding that love is all you need. Forgiveness comes. Time can mend hearts. And love is real. And love is what Christmas is all about…and in that way…it is truly beautiful.

Happy golden days of yore…

I want to make things simple. And easy…because I don’t want to deal with the overpowering agony of love. Because I gave my heart away and had it trampled on and I can’t handle dealing with that. And because I don’t want to face the fact that it’s never going to work out with Peter. Not ever. Not in a year…or 5 years…it’s just not going to work. And he doesn’t want it to. He doesn’t want me. It’s not as simple or beautiful as I see in my head because I see the world through rose colored glasses. And that’s wonderful for me…But no one else is me. And I can’t live the world in my head any longer.

I put everything in. And so now I can’t get it out. It’s so hard.

Fuck. I let guys define my worth. Fuck.

Yeah. I need to get out.

To love.

I needed this. I needed this crazy journey to take me all these places and confuse me so deeply and wholly to show me all these things that really aren’t the way I want them to be. To see all these holes where the light is shining through. And to be given the opportunity to heal them…to be whole once more. What I’m doing right now isn’t what I really, truly want. And what I hope for more than anything is to hold on to this clarity that I feel in this moment. It’s not about ultimate happiness…or even supreme truth…it’s about what I need now…and what I want out of life.

I don’t want Peter to control our entire relationship any longer. I don’t want to go to Australia for him. I don’t want to not go to Australia for him. I don’t want to hate him…and I don’t want to victimize myself…I just want to understand the truth…whatever is happening right now…it’s just not working. It’s not fulfilling for either of us…and I don’t want to waste my life biding my time. I want to be honest with myself. That’s what I want. Perhaps, for a while, even….that is what I wanted. But not now. No longer. I can live without you. I have a heart that beats hard and fast and strong. But I don’t often let it quiet enough to REALLY listen to it. And then follow that truth.

Regardless of what happens next semester…no matter where I am…I am going to live for myself…and only make decisions for people who make decisions for me.

The fact is…I can be happy most anywhere…with anyone…but am I truly fulfilled? Really alive? I want to be fully and wholly alive.

I’m living life for myself…and living it to the fullest…the most beautiful, the most fulfilling, the most magical life I can.

Life always comes back around. Circles with circles. Forever.

Here’s to freedom. To truth. Beauty. Love. And LIFE.

TO LIFE.

Mark just kicked me in the ass. And he was really right. Telling me I hide behind a cloak of stupidity and that I’m much smarter than that. That’s the biggest problem teachers have had with me my whole life…I don’t know why I can’t just get over myself and accept my own brilliance.

Yes. I am extremely conflicted. Everything seems to be pulling me in two directions at the same time. I don’t know what I’m waiting for exactly…at first it was for Peter’s response…but his response conflicted me as well. I wish it was easier…I wish it was very simple.

I’m exhausted. I love where I am. I want to stay here. I want to not have to make this decision…but I know I must and I know I will and I know no matter what it’s all going to be okay. And not just okay…wonderful. I am sure of it.

Here’s to a whole new weekend of performing!

And to life and love and hope.

I love this feeling. Of pure and sheer exhaustion after a full weekend of solid performing. It feels so good. Like I’m really alive…like I’ve really been alive…that’s why I do it, isn’t it? Yes. It gives me life.

To living.

To life.