I’m scared. I’m scared to leave and I’m scared to stay. I want a simple answer. I want any answer. I want my love back.
I can’t sleep and thus I know I must write. This feeling of something being in that needs to get out permeates. I flicker. And there are soft shadows cast on the cement walls. I crawled out of bed and grabbed Rumi for the first time in months…I miss him so…and how close he gathered me to God every time I read his words. I need more of it.
“Everything begs with the silent rocks
for you to be flung out like light
over this plain.”
I want to be flung out. I want to commit. Tomorrow in scene study I want to fling myself out like light. Tomorrow I will.
Inside a lover’s hear there’s
another world, and yet another
inside the Friend of this community
of lovers, an ear that interprets
mystery, a vein of silver in the
ground, another sky! Intellect and
compassion are ladders we climb,
and there are other ladders: as we
walk in the night, the voice that
talks of forgiveness; inside Sham’s
universe candlelight itself becomes
a moth to die in his candle.
I want an intellectual partner. Peter is…that is so much why I love him…but I think he doubts me intellectually. He cannot truly commit to me. No no that’s not it…that’s not what bothers me…it is a spiritual partner I long for. Peter has no faith. He believes in nothing. Actively. I provide enough faith for the both of us…but I long for someone to have faith in me.
Everything will come around I am sure of it. The universe is round. And I have faith. So much faith.
And with faith, I can do anything. I can fly. So let’s fly.
Zack always knows what to say to make the world fall in to place again.
“It’s that time of life.”
This is the time to be lost and crazy and mixed up in love. Embrace it.
I’m trying really hard to wrap my mind around the concept of time. And change. And trying to shake all the thoughts running through my head of how my life should be and what’s going to happen and just LET GO.
Whatever will be will be. And it will be just as it is meant to be.
And everything is going to be alright.
Let it be.
Today was the very first time in my entire life that Hun no longer felt like home. Where I felt as if I didn’t belong. It was terrifying…and freeing…and heartbreaking. I’m surrounded by so much longing and so much loss…I ache for those days back. But worst of all…watching Macbeth…they all looked SO young. It seemed SO juvenile. There was suddenly a context for all the passion I poured onto that HIGH SCHOOL stage. Nothing more than high school theatre. But boy it was everything for me. But today…no one knew me. I felt old…in another era. From another life. And now I feel drifting…like I don’t belong to any memory and I have no present to hold on to. I’m holding on to my memories of high school theatre…of a faded relationship with Peter…and I have nothing to call my own anymore. Not even my house belongs to me. I am finally a no man. I suppose that’s the only place you have to start over…to become someone. But I miss. And I ache. And I long. And I really had a home.
Time is moving awfully fast. Far too fast.
“There is so much more to love than black and white.”