It can’t be perfect. It never will be.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

We are only humans. ACCEPT IT.

Nothing is going to be the same. Nothing is going to be perfect. Grasp that.

Start a new page.

I’m starting to realize that all I really want from life right now is for him to look at me that way. He did for the first time in so long Saturday morning…and I felt whole.

Good weekend…wonderful fight choreography rehearsal…then to drink with 3WK and Lefki’s friend and Bekah’s friend…which was nice…a good night with drunken Micheal’s…then slept in saturday morning and felt the closest to Peter I have all year…it was beautiful…then we went to the mall…shopped around…then went to Whip It…Dmitriy met us and then the pressure to make the night fun for dmitriy sort of killed the night…we sort of sat around anticlimactically…made me feel bad that he came all this way for a pretty lame night…and since then peter stopped looking at me that way…made me sleep in nikko’s bed…then today we went to gamestop and papa john’s which was good…but my acne is so severe that i just feel miserable all the time…then i suddenly felt incredibly sad and sick…but rehearsal made me feel better….then mola and then the chat with the ladies……sigh. im so………..full of things

I need to start hanging out with different groups of people…it gets stagnant…

This sociology class is quickly informing me that I am at heart a true idealist……which is EXACTLY why I should be an artist and NOT making important political decisions.

Good good. Glad to know where I am in the world.

Reflection. Yes I think that’s it…what I’m missing these days…especially when I’m at school…I feel like I’m just forced into a windpipe and I fly down this tunnel…occasionally taking pictures or leaflets with me…but apart from that it dissolves…and I’m left with a headache of all the things I have to do…that I didn’t do…and I never even stop to reflect on what I did do. And thus the specialness of life falls away and I’m left with tedium and chores. And the summer seems to take care of the reflection itself…what with the hours bathing in the sun…things absorb better…but everything moves so fast here…and I lose life. It’s why I take so many pictures. But lately I haven’t been taking any pictures…I haven’t been writing…I haven’t been catching up and taking stock with my old friends…I haven’t even touched base with reality of home…I haven’t been breathing…I’ve just been flying down the tunnel and it’s leaving me with an exponential headache. Reflection is key. It’s wonderful to be caught up in life…but if you don’t breathe…all the life you’re living melts…then evaporates.

I think that’s why my high school years seem so visceral in my mind…because I took such careful and long time to document and record it all…I’m seeing now…not a single moment I spent on xanga was wasted…that was the best time I ever spent…creating my reality. My reality is squashed and mumbled these days.

Everything matters…and I want to make it all matter. If there’s anything I can take away from Peter’s depression is how strongly I feel about my convictions about living. And choosing your own happiness. Creating your own reality. And living in a constant state of hope. Always hope.

Yes yes reflection. Maybe not everyone needs it but I sure do. And now that I’ve realized that I hope I can take a step forward…at least once a week…remember where I’ve been…where I’m going…and where I am.

We need a context for our lives. So.

Today was good. I had a full day of classes…then to rehearsal…which was movement work…which was exhausting…then I widdled away on the internet…no Peter today…one day without him and I already miss him.

I’m starting to see that this is totally the opportune time to study abroad. I really hope I can stand to my convictions.

And my spirit. My God. I’ve neglected them too. That’s dwindling me as well. So much.

Last year I didn’t want to associate with my past for a time because I thought it wouldn’t let me move on…but now I know that I can move on…and that at the same time I can’t let go of any piece of me…or else I am no longer whole. I want to be whole. And wholly alive. And taking full advantage of being alive. And making the most of this semester. If I won’t be here next semester I’ll miss it dearly and I should appreciate the moments I have here now. It’s fall…it’s beautiful…I’m surrounded by wonderful people…and I can see Peter any day I like. Life is wonderful. And what more do you need? Let everything else go. Reflection also helps me let go. See what really matters at the end of the day. And at the end of the day…I want to live. And be whole. And free. And in love with the world. To find more love.

To life. To love. To hope.

To NOW.

Really missing Hun right now. Missing Princeton…people who really really know me and care about me…missing those halls…that theatre…being able to get away with naiveté….

Mostly I miss when we were in love. I’m starting to ache for it…I miss the way he used to look at me…I miss hearing I love you…and saying I love you. I miss it like fuck. I miss believing in our love…romance…magic…wonderment…and love.

I miss love. I miss living for love.

And I miss you Kristey. I miss you every day. Please be with me now…send me some of your love. You are love.

To love.