Tonight’s conversation with Peter made me realize a few things of which I can feel absolutely and wholly within my heart:

I have come leaps and bounds already.
I was immature and unhealthy this past year.
I love Peter McCann wholly and truly and deeply. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else…but most importantly…most honestly. Such a true and complete love that I genuinely want what’s best for him…whether that includes him ending up with me or not. It is finally unselfish. I’ve never known such a feeling as this. I feel complete without him and blissful with him. I feel we have genuinely had a impact on one another for the better…and I don’t need his love to survive…but I know I will never stop loving him.
I can love him without needing him.
We have a genuine and true connection. That was never in my head. That was entirely real.
Saying I love you should never be a weapon or a contract or even a vow. Love is beyond such petty ties. Love is free.
I don’t need a relationship right now.
Love is never wrong.
And everything is going to be alright.

I feel incredible. Empowered. Karma is finally catching up with me.

This world is round. And love is free.

And so am I.

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I’ve broken through to longing
now, filled with a grief I have

felt before, but never like this.

The center leads to love.
Soul opens the creation core.

Hold on to your particular pain.
That too can take you to God.

-Rumi

Rumi is so so incredible. It seems that poetry seems the only rational way to connect with the divine…and reading this collection of his words has been a truly transformative experience…I urge ANYONE and everyone to read his poetry…it is stunningly beautiful. “Ecstatic” seems a great way to live my life. And Rumi just makes me want to live and live and live more and more. And to love. Love is ALL you need.

And Rumi talks often of a friend…a spiritual guide that will appear to you in the path and walk with you in your journey to the truth…Kiala…that Friendship is SO powerful and wonderful. Thank you so much for showing me that Friendship. That’s everything.


Inside a lover’s heart there’s
another world, and yet another

inside the Friend of this community
of lovers, an ear that interprets

mystery, a vein of silver in the
ground; another sky! Intellect and

compassion are ladders we climb,
and there are other ladders: as we

walk into the night, the voice that
talks of forgiveness, inside Sham’s

universe candlelight itself becomes
a moth to die in his candle.

Things I want. Things I need. Things that should be…

We need to have our own lives.
I need to know how to love and not have it consume me.
I need to learn to have him in my life without him being my life.
I need to make new friends and a support group that is not solely him.
We should keep our options open and experiment with other people.
I need to work. Hard.
I need to be neat.
I want to be in a show.
I want to study abroad.
I want to not lose sight of the clarity I have at this moment.
I need to not be dependent on him.
I want to be free.
I need to stay grounded.
I should trust my heart.
We need to separate ourselves from Grace.
I need to not put up with shit.
I need to make constant time for writing and reflection.
I want to eat healthy.
I want to use little, buy less and make more.
I want to live sustainably, simply and cleanly.
I need to stay in contact with those most important to me.
I want to choreograph for Knight Club.
I want to visit the castle often and painlessly.
I want to rid myself of pain and regret.
I want to have Peter as a friend.
We need to retain our identities.
I want to never stop breathing and living deeply and wholly.
I want to fly.
I want to break open myself, my boundaries and my mind.
I want to explode with love.
I want to stay in deep connection with God. And i want to share that with Peter.
I want to be better. More. Deeper. Beyond.
I want to dream.

We should love each other. Or at least love the world.

Above all things…i want to stay in love with the universe. As long as I have love…everything will be beautiful.

Love is all you need.

Always.

I love this log cabin. i love the feeling of maybe for one fleeting moment being part of something resembling a family. I haven’t had a family in SO long…this feeling is old and alien. I love my dogs. I love being high. i love Amy. I do.

When i grow up I dont want to follow these rules…i want to live in a log cabin in the country…feel the wind on my face and taste an ocean breeze…i want to be FREE…i was grass beneath my toes.

I think I;m finally accepting who i really am…a total flower child. i am a total hippie and i think id be much happier if i just accepted it.

i have control over my destiny and im ready to take hold of it now. im ready to step up and accept my genius. my ohm told me that my freshman year and ive just been pushing it away all these years out of fear. fear is where it all begins. fear of not being enough. but i think im ready to be satisfied with what god has given me and push it to the limits…take it as far as it can go…then break it in two and go farther.

im ready. im in love with the world. im surrounded by god. im high. and im free.

Forever.

17

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots

that grew towards each other underground,

and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches

we found that we were one tree and not two.”

– Louis de Bernieres, “Captain Corelli’s Mandolin”

I want so desperately to have that love. Forever.