Wow. I just realized…I am doing SO well. And I’m not afraid to admit that. I feel like some wall just collapsed…and I never thought I’d say this…but I am genuinely okay with just being friends. Maybe uprooting myself from all these conditioned ideals I’ve had all my life is what I need. What I’ve learned…my heart is ALWAYS going to be there…that’s not something I have to worry about…And my romantic ideals have given me some wonderful things…like a huge, overflowing heart…but things I need to remove from the equation…is the incessent need…All this time I thought my romantic ideals were more more more…but in fact they were settling…settling for just anything that is love. And now I realize…love is SO much bigger than that…and in fact…I need something MORE than just love. Love IS so easy. And yet it’s still beautiful…and no I don’t need to throw it away…I need balance…Peter brings me down to earth and I take him up to the clouds…we’re so good for each other in so many ways…and yet there are so many things that are NOT good for me about it…and it CAN be both things at the same time…it is not SIMPLY love period end of story. YES I love him wholly and completely…but I’m starting to see I can love him totally and deeply but not NEED him. I can love him as a part of my life and not my whole life. And THAT is being healthy. And strong. Not in a flat, practical way with no poetry…in fact…when I begin to find the poetry within myself alone is when I will TRULY be able to love in a real real way. I’ve been so confused and so lost because I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the idea of love not dominating all and everything…at least romantic love. I CAN have Peter in my life without him becoming my whole life.
Sarah Krauss actually blew my mind the other night when she told me “The idea that we NEED another person to be happy is EVIL”…I mean I don’t agree COMPLETELY….but I REALLY need to focus on myself. I need to balance myself out…Bring myself down to earth not because it’s not beautiful up there….but because my world will have more colors if I explore more of it. I’ve actually become narrow minded in my dreamlike view of the world…and ACTUALLY letting go of that will free me in the most unintuitive way.
I’ve just been feeding this 1950’s idea of what truth is…I don’t know why…what I was running from or what story got stuck in my head…but I need to expand my soul…open my heart…and let go. In the way I NEVER imagined.
Love is EVERYTHING. It’s not this ONE small fraction of truth…it is ALL.
I can genuinely love Peter without him being right for me. And I can have him in my life without needing him.
I genuinely feel as if something wonderful has exploded inside me and I finally understand what all this pain has been for. To EXPLODE my heart. BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER.
Because NOW…I am learning to love myself.
TO LOVE. TO ME. TO SELF RESPECT. TO TRUTH. TO HOPE.
And to opening your heart.