Rationalizing myself to the concept of growing up has put me in such a fundamentally bizarre place…trying to connect some sense of past with present….with a combination of too much weed…has ultimately just fucked up my brain…I feel totally ajar and shattered…
When I was with Peter…I stopped working on myself…because I put all my energy on working on us and working on him and not even thinking about anything in the world….just being…and it feels like I’ve totally lost my footing on this journey that I was taking…I don’t even remember where I was or where I was going…and I want so desperately to find it again…and then how can one ever really devote oneself to another while at the same time retaining that self journey…it seems my whole life is trying to figure out what love is….and all the sudden I’ve lost all of what I thought I knew……and
And I don’t know where I am.
I feel like I just lost a year to my heart. I loved it deeply. But at the same time…I want to find myself again. I need to. Or I need to find myself all over again. A new. Rebirth. A constant journey.
Circles within circles.
And in this mess of reality and fantasy…it seems like the only thing that makes sense is creating your own reality: theatre. Acting is truly humane.
Art makes sense to my heart. And I’ve lost the poetry in the soul.
Paint your world with poetry.
And you never quite get there…you never reach infinity…there’s never quite whole…but that feeling of reaching is perfection…and those moments of fulfillment are what brings us one step closer to divinity. And to the circle in the middle. My journey is full of cryptic messages and splattered pieces of art.
And it is beautiful.