I hate the inherent contradiction of the universe in the flux of moving forward. It’s hard to comprehend with my soul.
I just haven’t been writing enough. I haven’t been cleansing my mind…it’s all just been building up and evaporating and then it means nothing to me…Writing feels so good…I haven’t done all this is so long…there really has felt like there has been a wall binding me away from the truth of my thoughts. I need to work through this insanity in my head in some rational way to bring some light to my dreams. My mind feels like it’s on fire. All the time and I feel this raging battle about ready to burst forth from my chest. And the funny thing about emotional pain…it literally manifests in a true physical way…I feel this dull ache in my chest and a soft thud in my stomach and it is simply the most unbearable type of pain. No exit. It does not bode well to distraction or medication. It is a swelling virus beneath the skin that can only be procured outward in an abstract way. There is nothing scientific about it…and yet it effects me entirely real. It mumbles through my veins and courses through my body…ticking like an insensitive theif of time. And perhaps the worst is that it does not ever truly escape my veins. It cannot be bled out or waded through…the scars are not mere indents upon the flesh…the scars singe and fester and never desert you.
And the only way out is in and that is terrifying. We are all terrified of ourselves. And so many sit on the outskirts waiting for life to pick them up and hand them over to something. I want to chase God down and shake his hand…I do not want him handed to me.
I love my jigsaw puzzle heart. Deeply and wholly. And I cannot deny that deep, entrenched piece of myself. I cannot let it define me…but at the same time…I can in no way deny it…or else it will defeat me…it will come at me when I last expect it and dominate me without vengence. It breathes…and it feeds…and it needs space to run and dance…I have a caged monster within me. And that is a piece of me I must learn to be one with.
Do not tame my heart.