I am in so much pain.
My whole body aches from the rays of the sun. And it feels like something has broken inside of me. This well of hope has been stopped up. I think I’m too afraid to look into myself…I’m too afraid to admit that I’m depressed…I’ve been holding so tightly to my light for so long that I can’t even admit to myself that I’ve lost it. I feel like I’ve been so weak ever since Peter broke up with me…I never had the strength to face it and instead I just covered it with this mirage of nonsense…and recently I’ve just been trying to drink it away…and it doesn’t help…it just makes it so much worse. I need to detox. I need to go there. Open up my wound and let go to the pain.
Love doesn’t make any sense to me these days…To retain identity and independance while at the same time throwing yourself in front of a bus for someone else to catch you. And what if they don’t? And how can there be strength in losing yourself…
I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I’m so disappointed in my own weakness. I’m so upset that I still love him and that he still loves me. I’m SO in love with him still. I’m so conflicted. I’m drowning. I feel stupid. I feel like he’s made me such an idiot.
And I’m back at square one. I think I make such big steps…and I look down and realize I’m in exact same place I was. I’m tied up in my own heart strings.
I need no more distractions…no more running away. I have to face this. Now.
Let go because your life depends on it.
And because I can’t see through the pain. Fuck. FUCK. Fuck.
Every day I swim an ocean
Fighting your memory like endless waves
I’ve surrendered to the truth, I’ll always love you
But I know someday
I’m gonna reach the banks of a distant shore
Where I won’t miss you anymore
– Dierks Bentley
Stop fighting it. Work through it.