There and back again…the continuous process of losing yourself is the only way to find yourself.

This journey is beautiful. I have a story…and something to say. I have so much within me.

Follow the light into the darkness to find the star.

Magic. And faith.

Free.

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“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that

keeps changing directions. You change direction but

the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts.

Over and over you play this out, like

some ominous dance with death just before dawn.

Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in

from far away, something that has nothing to do with you.

This storm is you. Something inside of you.

So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm,

closing your eyes and plugging up your ears

so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step.

There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time.

Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones.

That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent,

metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical

or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it:

it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades.

People will bleed there, and you will bleed too.

Hot, red blood.

You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood

and the blood of others. And once the storm is over

you won’t remember how you made it through,

how you managed to survive.

You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.

But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm

you won’t be the same person who walked in.

That’s what this storm’s all about.”

-Haruki Murakami, ‘Kafka on the Shore’

I didn’t have enough faith in the universe that I had to fill in the poetry myself.

LET GO and let the world come to you. There will ALWAYS be magic there if you open your heart wide enough.

Learn to see the magic EVERYWHERE. Love is all you need.

I believe.

Poetry is all that makes sense to me

I think real understanding comes in fleeting explosions of breath.

I want more more more. And I want to explore ALL the depths of this big heart I’ve been given. I don’t want to stop breathing. I want to put the pieces together and find the poetry in every moment.

There is magic ALL around. The world feels suddenly illuminated. Out of the darkness.

Free.

Do we all hold ourselves back from our own happiness out of fear?

I went a little quote crazy…but I love words:

“Your work is to discover your work and then, with all your heart, to give yourself to it.” – Buddha

“We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barack Obama

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive.” – Howard Thurman

“We are all here for some special reason. Stop being a prisoner of your past. Become the architect of your future.” – Robin Sharma

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau

“Make no small plans for they have no power to stir the soul.” – Niccolo Machiavelli

“Never let your memories be greater than your dreams.” – Doug Ivester

“We are all functioning at a small fraction of our ca­pacity to live fully in its total meaning of loving, caring, creating and adventuring. Consequently, the actual­izing of our potential can become the most exciting adventure of our lifetime.” – Herbert Ottto

“History shows us that the people who end up changing the world – the great political, social, scientific, technological, artistic, even sports revolutionaries – are always nuts, until they are right, and then they are geniuses.” – John Eliot

“To say I love you’ one must first be able to say the ‘I.’” – Ayn Rand

“You, as much as anyone in the universe, deserve your love and respect.” – Buddha

“If one wishes to know love, one must live love, in action.” – Leo Buscaglia

“One does not fall ‘in’ or ‘out’ of love. One grows in love.” – Leo Buscaglia

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” – Viktor Frankl

“Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.” – William James

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” —Lao-Tze

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” – Buddha

“When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.” – Spencer Johnson

“Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things.” – Randy Pausch

“First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.” – Mahatma Gandhi

“As soon as anyone starts telling you to be “realistic,” cross that person off your invitation list.” – John Eliot

“The world is perfect as it is, including my desire to change it.” -Ram Dass

ACCEPT YOUR GENIUS.

Wow. I just realized…I am doing SO well. And I’m not afraid to admit that. I feel like some wall just collapsed…and I never thought I’d say this…but I am genuinely okay with just being friends. Maybe uprooting myself from all these conditioned ideals I’ve had all my life is what I need. What I’ve learned…my heart is ALWAYS going to be there…that’s not something I have to worry about…And my romantic ideals have given me some wonderful things…like a huge, overflowing heart…but things I need to remove from the equation…is the incessent need…All this time I thought my romantic ideals were more more more…but in fact they were settling…settling for just anything that is love. And now I realize…love is SO much bigger than that…and in fact…I need something MORE than just love. Love IS so easy. And yet it’s still beautiful…and no I don’t need to throw it away…I need balance…Peter brings me down to earth and I take him up to the clouds…we’re so good for each other in so many ways…and yet there are so many things that are NOT good for me about it…and it CAN be both things at the same time…it is not SIMPLY love period end of story. YES I love him wholly and completely…but I’m starting to see I can love him totally and deeply but not NEED him. I can love him as a part of my life and not my whole life. And THAT is being healthy. And strong. Not in a flat, practical way with no poetry…in fact…when I begin to find the poetry within myself alone is when I will TRULY be able to love in a real real way. I’ve been so confused and so lost because I haven’t been able to wrap my head around the idea of love not dominating all and everything…at least romantic love. I CAN have Peter in my life without him becoming my whole life.

Sarah Krauss actually blew my mind the other night when she told me “The idea that we NEED another person to be happy is EVIL”…I mean I don’t agree COMPLETELY….but I REALLY need to focus on myself. I need to balance myself out…Bring myself down to earth not because it’s not beautiful up there….but because my world will have more colors if I explore more of it. I’ve actually become narrow minded in my dreamlike view of the world…and ACTUALLY letting go of that will free me in the most unintuitive way.

I’ve just been feeding this 1950’s idea of what truth is…I don’t know why…what I was running from or what story got stuck in my head…but I need to expand my soul…open my heart…and let go. In the way I NEVER imagined.

Love is EVERYTHING. It’s not this ONE small fraction of truth…it is ALL.

I can genuinely love Peter without him being right for me. And I can have him in my life without needing him.

I genuinely feel as if something wonderful has exploded inside me and I finally understand what all this pain has been for. To EXPLODE my heart. BIGGER BIGGER BIGGER.

Because NOW…I am learning to love myself.

TO LOVE. TO ME. TO SELF RESPECT. TO TRUTH. TO HOPE.

And to opening your heart.

Fearless. And.

Free.

I miss him SO much. My heart aches. I’d like to think that’s not weakness…that’s just life.

Trust the process.

My life feels splattered across this array of messy memories…pixelated photographs…and old, sticky ticket stubs.

I can feel you weighing down my heart more than ever. Your presence is so palpable…and so…so far.

This is letting go.