I find these days…I’m just trying to find a way to make the days go by…I never used to live like that?
I need to stop finding happiness through others and start living for myself. Stop living for what I think Conor wants or Peter wants…I need to start living for myself. Really living. Not just biding my time until I can be loved again. I need to love myself. And then it will be enough.
Peter really sucked some love out of me. I just have to find that well again. Go deeper.
And get stronger.
For me. No one else but me.
I feel stranded. Lonely. Lost. Homeless. And in between dreams. I want to wake up. Again.
My heart feels heavy and I finally miss you.
Starting to reconcile my past and present into one coherent life.
It’s been almost a week…and already…it doesn’t hurt. I’m going to be okay.
No. I’m going to be fucking fantastic.
This is going to be an incredible summer. I’m going to make it that way. Here’s to opening new doors. Putting the past in the past. And not just moving or walking forward…but flying.
It’s time to fly.
No one makes me laugh like Conor Choi.
Or makes me quite so impatient.
Noooo please don’t make me feel this way.
You don’t want to do anything about your pain…you just want to wallow in it. And then bitch about it.
Well I don’t want it.
Take it back.
Be present. Commit to the moment. And make the best of where you are. Right here, right now.
He’s my past.
Just like that. Overnight. Truth.
I’ve been conditioned to let you walk all over me. Let me teach myself to stand. It’s time now.
Love is not easy. I have to hate him some time.
It’s time to heal.
Without you. But with strength.
We had something real and beautiful and eternal. I’m sorry you closed your eyes.
When it comes to love, I don’t blink.
And I’ll never forget you.
You said you’d always be there when I woke up…but now you’re not even here to kiss me good night.
And I wanted to scream “I love you” out the cracked window as I pulled away from you for the last time…but somehow my words got caught in the wind and on my tongue. But you know…and I know…love is forever.
But you are not. We are not.
And I’ll always have your kiss on my lips. Your fingers in my hair. A dried rose hanging on the wall. And you. I’ll always have you in my heart. Where you belong. Gone from my world…from the view of my feeble eyes…but encapsulated inside this beautiful love story…trapped inside a castle…and beating in my veins. In my heart. Always.
Maybe poetry is the only thing that’s gonna get me out of this alive.
I miss you.
And if you can’t see what I see…then you do need to fly free. Maybe one day you can join me in the sky. My wings can’t carry you any longer.
Because baby, I can fly.
It’s exhausting holding on so tightly. But so hard letting go.
I don’t think I’ll ever forget today…so many tears…so many deep breaths…and a vivid image of the love of my life waving me goodbye as I drove away from the castle for good.
What a day. What a year. What a love.