When we become aware that we do not

have to escape our pains, but that we

can mobilize them into a common

search for life, those very pains are

transformed from expressions of

despair into signs of hope.

— Henri Nouwen

Moving on, is a simple thing,

what it leaves behind is hard

— Dave Mustaine

10 days from now I will lose my entire world. Everything I know now…Peter, Dan, Kyle, Kasey…I live with them everyday…and I’ll probably never speak to them again. And I’ll never come to the castle like this again.

I’ll lose myself.

And start again.

And I need strength now. So much strength.

But more than strength I need faith. Please guide me. Please.

Having to walk into the abyss alone…that’s terrifying.

When I leave I’m NEVER coming back.

And that’s life.

No one is alone.

Sitting in the castle on a rainy day…it’s beautiful and serene and I haven’t had a moment with my thoughts in so so long. I’m battling with my faith everyday…the concept of having NO idea what’s going to happen once I leave this place…whether or not I’ll ever speak to Peter again…I wish I could let it go and enjoy the last few hours but thoughts are creeping in and I can’t erase them…this complex situation has NO easy way out. I don’t know if I believe there’s a right way out either. I just have to wholly invest in Que sera sera and hope that that’s enough.

I love this castle dearly…I wish I had spent more days like this…alone enjoying the beauty of this old place…but I know I would never trade anything for the days lying in Peter’s bed all day bathing in soft, midday light. I don’t think I would change a thing about this year…and even if I would…what’s the point of living life like that? If I can create happiness, why shouldn’t I?

After a viscious fight the other night…he said “We’re going to make this work”…and I said…”Make what work?”
And he said…”Whatever it is that’s going to happen”

This next step takes a HUGE amount of faith in the universe.

Faith. It’s about faith. This may be the biggest leap of faith yet.

I have to learn to believe again.

And to enjoy THIS moment.

Now.

It’s been 8 months and I still get butterflies in my stomach when he looks at me with those eyes…

And of anything else in the world right now I’d rather be performing.

Thus.

Truths I know:

I love him.

I need the stage.

I am in the right place.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.”
— Washington Irving