I have so much to say. Finally. Finally.
Like something has finally broken within me.
I feel like I’m waking up again…like I’m finally seeing the poetry in the world again. And I don’t know where my inspiration is coming from…Maybe London woke me up…the thought crossed my mind that it’s the absence of Peter…but I doubt it. Or at least…I don’t want it to be so.
Peter is wonderful. Dealing with friends dealing with it is not so wonderful. Having to explain myself over and over again is mind numbing. Everyone treats me like I’m doing something awful to myself. And all I feel…genuinely is…where were you when I was REALLY hurting…when I was REALLY in pain…you were still friends with Campbell…you still talked to Bobby…and NOW when I’m telling you explicitly that I’m happy and okay you judge me and “hate” Peter. You don’t hate Peter. You don’t even know him.
I feel the confines of normalcy more than I ever have in my entire life. Like there are these invisible walls and rules around us all…I always knew they were there of course…but they seem SO clear and so evident and at the same time…SO unimportant to me…whereas to everyone else…they define their world. People are TERRIFIED of losing those boundaries. I think I terrify a lot of people…and I think I’m just realizing this now. I’ve just been in a wonderful safe haven for 7 years where everyone knew me and accepted that I was…who I am…people at college…or rather, everywhere…are so baffled by anything that isn’t in our box. It’s frustrating. And invigorating…and SO mind numbing.
And I miss him right now. And I KNOW I’m going to miss him deeply. Everyone talks to me as if I don’t know these things. As if I don’t have this conversation with myself every minute of every day…like I don’t keep wondering if I’m crazy and masochistic…and I suppose I may be a little masochistic…but I think we all are in our own ways.
There is something I know in my heart that is stronger and more real than any words or scratch marks on the surface have ever been to me. There is something I feel with my soul. And something I spot in the light on magical occasions. There is something I genuinely know from my heart. Magic is real. In every sense of every word.
Everything is real.
I’m creating my reality. And nothing’s gonna change my world.
The magic has to mean something. Otherwise….what are we doing here?