I feel so weak.

Nothing is so simple in love. There aren’t these boundaries and rules that we think there are. Love is so messy.

Why do I HAVE to move on? Why do I have to make some arbitrary RIGHT choice.

There is no right choice.

It’s a circle.

This is twelve steps back from how far I’ve come in the past year in a half…but it’s where I am and I can’t fight it. How is it healthy to shut off your feelings and pretend not to care when you do. You care SO much and your heart is bleeding and you’re just supposed to ignore it? And that’s being strong? Healthy? What is healthy and why do I have to be healthy ALL the time?

Maybe sometimes, just sometimes, it’s not only okay to be weak…it’s right to be weak.

I’m sorry Kiala, I’m sorry…I’m just not ready for strength yet…I just got my heart ripped out 2 days ago and I can’t get him out of my head.

And I can’t stop making excuses for him. And I KNOW that’s bullshit and I KNOW I’m sinking back into letting myself be abused…but what if everything ISN’T black and white. Honestly. Bobby Lang did it because he was only thinking about himself. Peter did it because he was thinking nothing of himself. He just wanted to keep me and Grace happy as long as he could. Is that so wrong? I don’t feel like I’ve been abused or hurt or even deceived…I just feel like I miss him. That’s fucked up I know but there’s no use in pretending I’m okay when I’m not. What he did didn’t make him happy…it made him miserable…but he did it because he didn’t want to hurt us. I KNOW he’s stupid and nieve…but…I don’t even know. The happiness I felt was totally real…and it’s not any less real now that I know the truth. I needed to stop letting Bobby abuse me…but all Peter does is love me. So how can I walk away from him?

And why the fuck does Grace get special treatment because she’s unstable? I could be unstable to. I could be SO unstable. I’m just choosing to be strong…because for some unknowable reason we’ve been taught that’s what’s right. If I was being as weak and pathetic as she is I would still be loved. So is it wrong to be strong?

Everyone tells me I deserve better…what is it that I deserve and why haven’t I gotten it yet? Maybe I deserve just this. And I know that’s self-loathing talk…but I don’t loathe myself at all! I love myself quite wholly.

Maybe I’m sadistic…or maybe I’m just human…but I don’t regret a moment of sophmore year…I felt even more alive than I do alive…I was feeling the world wholly…it was painful and devastating but I felt every minute of the misery.

So what is REALLY going to happen if I go back to him? What emotional trauma am I really going to undergo that I haven’t undergone already?

All I know is when I’m with him I’m blissfully happy and when I’m without him I’m miserable. So is it really harmful to myself to go back to what makes me happy? I know that’s it going to end in two months…I just CAN’T get over him here. I can’t. EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He’s ALL I know of Arcadia. Every single memory is his. If I try to get over him NOW I’m just going to be completely miserable and cling to him and paint a picture of him in my head which is completely innacurate. I want to enjoy my spring in the castle. And if we love each other for two more months and let me come to terms with everything and let me help him…then we can be truly away from each other for at least 4 months straight. And over the summer, by myself, at home…I can get over him. Just not here. Not now. Not with him 20 feet away in the room where I’ve lived for 6 months. I can’t start over with 7 weeks of school left.

And he doesn’t need to be taught that what he did was wrong. He KNOWS. His depression and self-loathing is BECAUSE of this. Me hating him is NOT going to help him. It’s just going to drive him even more depressed than he is…and then he’ll be COMPLETELY unreachable. He needs a friend right now. And I need his friendship too.

But we can’t be friends. That’s bullshit. I’ve NEVER known him as a friend. So what’s the harm of loving each other?

Grace is out of the picture. Finally. I actually finally got what I wanted. In the worst way. This was the only way he would ever end things with Grace.

I need him in the worst way. But what’s so wrong about love? Is love ever wrong?

I understand. Believe me, I understand.

Am I convincing myself of bullshit just because I’m in love? Am I crazy?

This is the logic of a mind in love.

Love is not linear.

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2 thoughts on “

  1. oh lauren, im sorry. im not trying to force strength down your throat. if i recall correctly, my roommate, when whitt broke up with me, was very “you gotta stop kiala, you just gotta accept it and move on”…and it was just a crazy concept in my head. 2 and a half years, down the tubes, and im just supposed to ACCEPT it? just like that….a twenty minute conversation, and its over? i spent my last semester at syracuse being weak….fighting whitt every step of the way, showing up at his apartment and REFUSING TO LEAVE…arguing with him, screaming at him….sleeping in his bed only to have him regret it the very next day…. id take his hate before i accepted the break up. i was not going to give up, and eventually i got what i wanted. and i didnt regret it until the night before i was leaving. when i saw him completely break down in front of me….and i realized that all my actions were completely selfish. i didnt think of how it would be for him, being at syracuse alone and still dealing with not having me. being weak wasnt a weak decision…it was actually a very strong decision that i commmitted to COMPLETELY… but it was a selfish one. i was only thinking of my own desires. and so was whitt, but, as they say, two wrongs done make it right.
    please dont take this as a comparison. i realize the situations are different, but i want you to know that i talk about strength so much because im trying so desperately to be strong….and i know the place youre in, and i just want to lift you out of it. im not belittling your feelings….i know all too well how you feel.
    you know peter very well, and i remember you telling me he needed to be free….needed to find his own confidence and not use anyone as a crutch. maybe thats the only motivation to be right that you have….only you know if its enough. i would never ever judge you lauren…..never ever, because love is not linear. and sometimes the desire to be happy desires your desire to be “whole”……i know it did for me
    i love you, and im here. and i wish i could say something more profound….i just have my own experience. this sucks

  2. aww kiala…i’m so sorry….i wasn’t meaning any of this directed towards you at all! youve been the biggest help of anyone through this…it was just me being silly and heartbroken. i love love all the things you do for me. really.i know how you feel about whitt…i did the same with bobby. its awful. so awful. ughhh you’re so right. ughhh thank you.you help. you really do. i just wish there was a simple answer.ugh. i love you. alot.

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