“Grow old with me, the best is yet to be…“
And there is BEAUTY in pain.
LET IT BE.
I have to stop beating myself up over this and letting other people beat me up over this. I have to stop judging Grace. I have to stop judging myself. I’ve already made my decision…now I just have to embrace it.
Let it be. Whatever will be, will be. And I have faith in the universe.
And follow your heart. Into the darkness. And the light.
“The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
…I trust my soul…
my only goal is just to be.”
I have so much to say. Finally. Finally.
Like something has finally broken within me.
I feel like I’m waking up again…like I’m finally seeing the poetry in the world again. And I don’t know where my inspiration is coming from…Maybe London woke me up…the thought crossed my mind that it’s the absence of Peter…but I doubt it. Or at least…I don’t want it to be so.
Peter is wonderful. Dealing with friends dealing with it is not so wonderful. Having to explain myself over and over again is mind numbing. Everyone treats me like I’m doing something awful to myself. And all I feel…genuinely is…where were you when I was REALLY hurting…when I was REALLY in pain…you were still friends with Campbell…you still talked to Bobby…and NOW when I’m telling you explicitly that I’m happy and okay you judge me and “hate” Peter. You don’t hate Peter. You don’t even know him.
I feel the confines of normalcy more than I ever have in my entire life. Like there are these invisible walls and rules around us all…I always knew they were there of course…but they seem SO clear and so evident and at the same time…SO unimportant to me…whereas to everyone else…they define their world. People are TERRIFIED of losing those boundaries. I think I terrify a lot of people…and I think I’m just realizing this now. I’ve just been in a wonderful safe haven for 7 years where everyone knew me and accepted that I was…who I am…people at college…or rather, everywhere…are so baffled by anything that isn’t in our box. It’s frustrating. And invigorating…and SO mind numbing.
And I miss him right now. And I KNOW I’m going to miss him deeply. Everyone talks to me as if I don’t know these things. As if I don’t have this conversation with myself every minute of every day…like I don’t keep wondering if I’m crazy and masochistic…and I suppose I may be a little masochistic…but I think we all are in our own ways.
There is something I know in my heart that is stronger and more real than any words or scratch marks on the surface have ever been to me. There is something I feel with my soul. And something I spot in the light on magical occasions. There is something I genuinely know from my heart. Magic is real. In every sense of every word.
Everything is real.
I’m creating my reality. And nothing’s gonna change my world.
The magic has to mean something. Otherwise….what are we doing here?
“But at a certain point the memory of him
stopped accompanying me everywhere I went.
He stayed behind, the way a city stays behind
as a train pulls out of the station.
It’s there, somewhere behind you,
and you could go back and make sure of it.
But why should you?”
From the BEST week of my life. UNBELIEVABLE.
I LOVE LONDON.
Walking all day around the most beautiful city in the world…drinking all night with the most wonderful friends…getting 2 hours of sleep and waking up and doing it the next day. Eating glorious food…drinking english ales and tequila shots by the bucket…and falling in love ALL over again. Magical. Just magical. That’s the word for it all.
I think I understood the phrase “Love conquers all” for the first time this week. Truly and honestly…beyond all betrayal and resentment and regrets…we CANNOT stop loving each other. Our love persists and fights and breathes deeper every day. And in London…alone…with no Grace…but only the beauty of London lights…our hearts exploded. I will never forget some of the most romantic nights of my life and the most delightful smile in Peter’s eyes when he tells me he truly, wholly, and deeply loves me. And I believe him. I feel it. Love conquers all.
LONDON HERE I COME!