Ok ok ok…I KNOW this is NOT 25. I know this is HUGE. And I NEVER do these things…or at least post them on facebook…but…I blame Kiala? It’s so boring…don’t feel inclined to read any of it. I’m just feeling pretty brave at 2am. And I wrote this over a week and a half ago…so some of it might be outdated…who knows…

1. I’m skyping with the most wonderful people right now…Kiala and Lucy and Royce…a piece of a group of people that I will always love.
2. I’m legally blind.
3. I live in a castle.
4. I spent most of my life defining myself as a hopeless romantic.
5. My cousin and I have a band called Les Info. We have over 150 songs. If you’ve never heard any of it…you’re very lucky…if you have…I’m sorry.
6. I’ve been dancing since I was 3…and regardless of anything else, I miss my Nutcracker days more than anything else.
7. I won some fire safety award in 2nd grade. I was on TV. It was awesome.
8. John Gallagher Jr. hugged me after he won his tony.
9. My living room has recently been converted into a dance store.
10. I drank jackass bitters. In Belize. However…I was not brave enough to eat stinky toe.
11. I have OCD. For reals yo.
12. At college…I have adopted a horrible Russian accent.
13. My boyfriend hates my friends…mostly Kiala and Royce.
14. I saw Spring Awakening 21 times. It changed my life.
15. I was in Rolling Stone magazine because of my ultimate Spring Awakening fandom and my legendary pants.
16. I would kill for a big canvas and some acrylic paints right now. Or a show. I’m dying without theatre and art.
17. I spent the better part of my senior and junior year in the John Saks Auditorium. At one point I had a Tupperware box filled with all my clothes. Aaron Bogad is an angel for putting up with me.
18. I, along with Mike Christensen…produced The Jeffrey Starr Projekt. It can be viewed in all its majesty here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL5Bt_oPH7I&feature=channel_page
19. Someone wrote with permanent marker on a window that I am a progidy.
20. I take far too many pictures.
21. I don’t understand why Pushing Daisies was canceled. It an The Office are pure genius.
22. But my true love is Babylon 5.
23. I’m really afraid to try new foods.
24. I am such a sentimental dork.
25. I have spent the majority of my college career thus far watching my boyfriend play video games. And I have loved it.
26. No one knows what my real hair color is…not even me.
27. The Worthingtons take me on their wonderful family vacations. And it is wonderful.
28. When I found out my cousin was moving to England I spent all summer (literally) compiling an hour long movie about our time together. The movie never got finished…and Emlyn ended up moving back to America and living with me for two years. Whatever. It was a nice thought.
29. My cousin and aunt lived with me for 2 years in high school. It was the best experience ever.
30. My advanced studio art class was the most incredible class ever.
31. I am an avid member of the Cricket Club.
32. I once gave Amanda Sharp bruises.
33. I once got kicked out of TJI Fridays.
34. Jeremy and I once knocked on a random door and asked for a cup of sugar…and got it.
35. I graffiti….a bit.
36. I have NO idea what I’m going to major in…but that’s okay.
37. Janak and Josh and I also have a band…entitled 3 Musk of Beers. A much more pleasurable listen than Les Info…but I still wouldn’t advise it.
38. Emily is my hubby.
39. I did every show at my high school…and I miss the Janus Players more than they could ever know…but of all the performing I did…I miss my dance solos the most.
40. I still have dreams where I’m in Runaways or Peter Pan Project again…all the time.
41. I like…you……alot….
42. I was born in Seattle, WA.
43. I haven’t spoken to my dad in over a year…I have no idea where he is.
44. Moving out of my house on Mercer street was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Now a hedge fund owner lives there and is making a 3 story glass extension. He’s mental.
45. I say really inappropriate things…all the time. Seriously.
46. My three older brothers made me who I am.
47. I’ll make a man out of you.
48. My dad was Vice-President of Frito Lay. I ate a LOT of chips growing up.
49. I work at the Body Shop…and yes guys, I can actually hold down a job.
50. I can’t believe I wrote all this…you guys are probably so bored.
51. I used to write SO much. Everday…tons. Everything I saw and felt. Not so much anymore…I miss it.
52. I am in love with love. And also with a certain Peter McCann.
53. Nothing is better than a long bike ride in the summer. Swing sets. And the feeling of long grass between your toes.
54. I love Dashboard Confessional. So much. I caught Chris Carrabba’s guitar pick at a concert in Madison Square Garden. It’s framed in my room.
55. I have SO much love in my heart. Love is all you need.
56. I am so in love with poetry.
57. Bubble tea and bent spoon cupcakes make me jizz in my pants.
58. On my 11th birthday there was an owl on my doorstep with an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. I freaked out for about a month before I realized Sarah did it. Thanks Sarah.
59. Munchkin is my life.
60. I cannot stop writing this list.
61. I saw Obama. He was like 10 feet away from me. He was beautiful.
62. I LOVE letters. Getting them and sending them. My address at school is
450 S. Easton Rd.
Glenside, PA 19038
If you send me a letter I promise I’ll send one back.
63. I truly believe love never ends.
64. I have a horrifyingly dirty mind…which is why I’m going to end this list on number 69.
65. I have serious OCD about songs…and I don’t care much about the beat or whatever…I just adore the poetry. Poetry is all that matters.
66. There is a ghost in my room. True story.
67. I’m pretty embarassingly addicted to facebook.
68. I love everyone I’ve ever met through theatre. Most have changed my life. Forever. My greatest inspiration and love has come from crazy theatre kids. I don’t care what I do with the rest of my life as long as I can smell the dust of an old theatre and feel stage lights on my skin.
69. I believe.

To 2008.
To love.
To boys and girls…
To great endings.
To great beginnings.
To the second star to the right and straight on till morning.
To an unforgettable first kiss in a dark attic.
To a forbidden, life changing first kiss in a dark castle.
To a last kiss in Lucy’s basement. 
To the love of my life.
To love letters delivered to old friends.
To Jon Groff and Lea Michelle’s last show.
To my last show.
To die would be an awfully great adventure…
To Disneyworld with the kids I grew up with.
To flipping my senior ring around in a sweaty folding chair in front of Russell Hall on May 31st.
To art and theatre and film.
To holding hands with the art class in the blinding darkness 5 miles deep into a cave .
To jackass bitters, oranges and the laughter of Esperanza and Zephyr echoing through the jungles of Belize.
To late nights smoking salvia in Middletown, CT.
To The Dark Knight, Wall-E, Twilight
To WAKE THE DEAD.
To Kyle Boulier, Matt Cochraine and Ellie Lenore Firehazard.
To 208B.
To Dr. Horrible.
To the majesty of the Redwood forest.
To Omar.
To the castle.
To reading Harry Potter under the shade of leafy green trees mid June with Josh.
To acceptance letters, rejection letters, admission angst, and finally letting go.
To the horror of freshman roommates.
To Gary Kline making me shake from my head to my toe with fear.
To singing solo on stage for the first time in my life.
To The Jeffrey Starr Projekt 2, 3 and 4.
To graduation parties, tears and pictures.
To Bryan beginning his life and moving to California.
To hope.
To the first black President.
To my first job at the Body Shop.
To the eternity of Wendy and Peter and the pain of unrequited love.
To the real Peter.
To horrible and unjustified Russian accents.
To the slippery Russian.
To the best art class in history.
To taping our faces all around the video room – the epic pranks, laziness, and awkward love of Video 2.
To my best friend and mentor, Aaron Bogad.
To my inspiration and wannabe father, David Bush.
To my amateur ass kicker, Martyface.
To casting circles in my attic, reading tarot cards in 208b, and being terrified  of the very real ghosts of the castle.
To Bill and the Sci Five.
To walking 5 miles at 5 in the morning to the ER.
To the historical society and finally leaving 20 Nassau.
To Grace and homewrecking cunts.
To the emotional devastation of Runaways.
To fucking Joe, I See the Lake, and late night naked dance parties
To Amber Rubarth, Sarah Donner and Taylor Swift.
To Janak and Ali.
To Conor’s incessant guitar playing.
To being a star for just a moment.
To Cancun and Eduardo.
To moonlit kisses in the jungle.
To waking up in Belize.
To waking up in Peter’s arms.
To Equus, Speed the Plow, and August: Osage County
To Grubville, MO and long lost family.
To losing old friends and finding new ones.
To awakening Ben Knight to a new way of thinking.
To streaking at Wesleyan late at night.
To visiting Hun as an alumni.
To self-scripting and the Peter Pan Project.
To sex talks with our mothers.
To Gabby?
To a beautiful senior prom in a red dress and a date a foot shorter than me.
To Janak’s knee surgery and his beach house.
To an unbelievably rich boyfriend and his posh country club dates.
To snail mail.
To reconciliations between bitter old friends.
To the betrayal of Bobby Lang.
To pirate porn and Disney classics.
To dying my hair in the bathroom of a Borders in San Fransisco.
To a horrifying Vanessa Hudgens concert.
To a year ago exactly, crying and screaming, trying to keep Bobby Lang from killing himself in Royce’s driveway.
To the black hat of doom and sexiling every roommate.
To Munchkin.
To being 18.
To learning to wake up on my own.
To learning to live on my own.
To learning to let go.
To letting go.
To 2009.
To hope.

I can’t remember my life before you were in it. I feel so much different…in a very real way…in a tangible, visceral way…no longer abstract…I feel strong, safe and clear. I feel Peter came at the right moment and the right place. It’s a love story. My love story. Finally. And forever exists in more than a literal sense I think. I can say forever and mean it in some reality. I will love Peter forever. My first love. But whatever will be will be…and the real beauty of him and I is the wings I still carry on my back. I can fly without his help. But he can help keep me grounded. He is perfect. And I would be a fool to ever let him go for something like Conor Choi. Life has taken me on this ridiculous and wonderful roundabout path to see the truth for myself. God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

I was thrown into what felt like a bottomless pit of college. I found myself spinning, twisting and dancing through a new world blinding the memories of everything I knew and loved. I was awake, certainly…but living solely on breath…I had no time to reflect or think or process…it was impulsive and real and true and honest but now I have nothing to show for it. And so perhaps our feeble attempts at eternity are all we have. Totems to make our moments meaningful.
I haven’t had any time to write, but mostly…I haven’t had any inspiration. I wish I had…,but the things I experienced this year were simply not things I could attempt to put into words and do them any justice. Leaving my home…diving into a whole new life…It was truly beyond my comprehension. Which is why, I think, the past 4 months of my life have felt like a complete blur. I truly let myself go. And I had nothing to hold on to. And there are no words.

And the true change is that I can acknowledge that for what it was…truly beautiful…and decide I want to live my life in a different way.

I want to live, breathe, love, understand and fill 2009 to the brim. I want to soak up my youth and dedicate my heart to faith. I want to run and dance and truly live the last moments of my teenage years as a mature adult through the eyes of a child. I want to see all the beauty everywhere. I want to love with my whole heart. I want to let go. I want to hold on. I want to live. I want to give it my all.

Circles within circles.

I sit here in silence and beauty. And hearing your voice is all I need…love is truly all you need. Fleeting, eternal, whole and true love. True love is always eternal. And even if this ends tomorrow…you have made my alive. I love you. And that is simple. True. And perfect.

And I don’t need anything or anyone to tell me that.

To poetry.

I’m feeling oceans between us. I wish I could be the person I am. The person I want to be. The person I was…all in one. My identity is being straddled across two continents and two realities. I like to think I know who I am. You like to convince me otherwise. I have loved this break I really have…but I think I needed it to show me where I need to be. And that is in the present. College. And that friendships from high school are no longer an obligation. Time is pulling us all apart and its breaking my heart…but in some nonsensical way it is right. This is what I need. High school is over. I needed some perspective. Context to build my life around.

Everything happens for a reason.

I’m ready to go back to college now.

And I will always love you all.

But mostly, I love you Peter.

To the moment.

Now.