Sitting in Peter’s bed at 3am. He’s outside doing math. Dan just yelled at me for staying up so late and for some odd reason it made me realize how unsatisfied I am here. Unhappy isn’t it…I’m happy..and happy is so surface level…it doesn’t encompass hardly anything but something transitory and meaningless. I feel unfulfilled and I feel unsatisfied. Much like what Peter talks about…that I talk him out of….but his thoughts are completely valid because I have them too. Maybe just validating them helps. I don’t know maybe nothing helps….because I don’t see what it is I can do to fill that void. I do feel unproductive…I do feel like I spend all day sleeping, eating, having sex, or drinking. And that’s precisely what most people want out of college. I just don’t think that’s right for me. I feel like I’ve been cooped up in a cage. And I’m happy here. I am. I love the long days rolling around in bed with a man I love. I love stumbling down the castle steps at 2 in the morning. But I don’t feel like I’m doing anything. Peter says this to me all the time and I just now understand. Only I don’t know what on earth there is to do to fix it. It isn’t simple…and it isn’t something we’re doing wrong. It just is. And I can blame it on so many things. Valid things. But it doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t make it better and it doesn’t make it right.
I’m just so tired of the winter. I ache for the sun in my hair and a reason to breathe in fresh air.
I’m so tired of constantly being around people. Constantly. Either I’m in my room with Melissa and Staci…or I’m in Peter’s room with Peter and Kyle and Dan and Kasey. I need an open road…a vast lake and a pen and paper.
I’m so tired of Dan….being an asshole. And Kasey. And Kyle. And Melissa. Ugh. I so long for people that I love and who love me…honestly and genuinely.
I’m SO desperate for theatre. For art. For some creative expression. I think that’s what I miss most. It’s driving me insane.
I’m so tired of sleeping all day. And feeling bored for the first time in my life. I have NEVER been bored before I got to college. I have been SO busy ALL my life. I can’t handle this.
I think we’re all so trained to speak these words that college is great and perfect and wonderful and I love it and it’s the best time of my life. Fuck that. Is that really the truth for anyone? Because if it is you need to put down your red solo cup and go to rehab. So much of college is just about partying. That gets so old. Of course…there aren’t any parties at Arcadia…so maybe that’s something I’m missing…but maybe not.
I am SO sick of looking through Peter’s call log…not only because I see Grace’s name more than mine…but because I get this horrible sinking guilty feeling in my stomach that lasts for hours afterwords. I WISH I could trust my boyfriend. Or trust myself. Or learn how to not be jealous.
I’m so sick of not being with the people in my life who really matter. No one in college even gets close to comparing. I love them on a surface level and I enjoy spending time with them…but I don’t feel connected to anyone but Peter.
So much of my time I feel like I’m just trying to find ways to pass the time. That’s bullshit. When did this happen to me and when did I become this person? I used to drink in life…soak it in and bathe in it. I used to take deep breathes to make moments last. I don’t remember the last time I did that. Nothings worth lasting.
Perhaps this too is an illusion. I don’t know where the reality of my feelings lie. I know I’m happy when I’m with Peter. When I go home. When I dance and when I really learn. And sometimes when I’m drunk.
I’ve just lost all associations. I still don’t know where I am. I’ve been away from home for 6 months and I still feel lost.
And what am I supposed to do? Wallow in all these problems like Peter and not get anything from this experience? Or push them all to the back of my head and juxtapose the happiness?
I’m trying. I really am. I just have to push through. Add more colors to my world. Write more. Get in touch with myself again. Stop lying to myself. Be free, be honest and be whole. Yes, Kiala, whole.
Here’s to starting over…every day of my life.
Rebirth is a beautiful thing.