It turns out you never really know who is important in your life. You think you know…but everyone is full of surprises. And I think those that want your love the most are the ones you have the most in common with. Love is a better bond than any amount of years or

Julia Wong is incredible. I see myself in her and I see her beauty splashed across the pages of her letters. Her many, many letters. All she gives me is love…and all she asks for in return is a little love. That means so much more than anything else.

I feel very distant to everything that was important to me. And everything seems much more clear than ever before.

I feel happier than I did last year. Probably…the happiest I’ve ever been. I feel divinely and purely happy. Functional. A real person.

And I love the tenor of Emlyn’s voice and the soft grunt of Bryan’s laughter. I love the inherent nostalgia in A Charlie Brown Christmas and the beauty in the sweet glow of christmas lights. I love laughing from the bottom of your toes at Balderdash. I love real family that matters. And I love feeling that I really don’t need Christmas to remember what these people mean to me and to embrace love.

I love Christmas.

And I love my life. My heart. My light. And my Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Sleep in heavenly peace….


To the best Christmas of my life.

Suddenly. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

And God is everywhere. Filling me wholly with joy.

Everything is real.


Letting go is faith.

001. Real name → Lauren Suchenski
002. Nickname(s)→  crackwhore deliquent.
003. Status → Sex often with my boyfriend
004. Zodiac sign → Taurus
005. Male or Female → Female
006. Elementary → Sol Fienstone
007. Middle School → the Fun School
008. High School → Hun
010. Hair color → the color wheel…currently a faded and diluted malaysian cherry
011. Long or short → shortish
012. Loud or Quiet…..mmmmmmmm delicious
013. Sweats or Jeans → boxers
014. Phone or Camera → camera junkie
015. Health freak → BAH!

016. Drink or Smoke? → what are you talking about?
017. Do you have a crush on someone? yeshhhhhhhhsssssssssshh
018. Eat or Drink → what does that even mean?
019. Piercings → clit
020. Tattoos → a big racecar across my breasts

023. First piercing → ears with emlyn
024. First best friend → emlynface
025. First award → crack smoking? fire awareness
026. First crush → little red headed boy in kindergarden
027. First pet → selena?
028. First big vacation → yikes…dunno….BELIZE.
030. First big birthday → never?

049. Eating → nom noms
050. Drinking → tequila
052. I’m about to → touch emlyn innappropriately
053. Listening to → the sweet sounds of emlyn’s heaving
054. Plans for today → touching myself after i touch emlyn
055. Waiting for → PETER to come back to me

058. Want kids? → NOW. in my womb.
059. Want to get married? yessss.
060. Careers in mind → artist. actress. whore.

068. Lips or eyes → yeyyyesss
070. Shorter or taller? → i unlike EMLYN am not a discriminating whore
072. Romantic or spontaneous → romantically spontaneous
073. Nice stomach or nice arms → stomach? who cares….arms are nice…
074. Sensitive or loud → delicious
075. Hook-up or relationship → SEX.
077. Trouble maker or hesitant → a delver into graffitier

080. Lost glasses/contacts → EVERYDAY
081. Run away from home → where do people go? when they run away? tell me where do they go? and where do they stay if they stay? do they find themselves on televisions at the waiting room of the nearest train station bus station or community center?
082. Held a gun/knife for self defense → a gun into my vag.
083. Killed somebody → i killed many a joke
084. Broken someone’s heart → uhhhhhhhhhhh………….no
085. Been arrested → by the sex police
087. Cried when someone died i cry for your dead soul mr. republican manwoman.

089. Yourself → shyesh!
090. Miracles → shyesh!
091. Love at first sight → YES
092. Heaven → mmmmmmmm…..
093. Santa Claus → defiantly.
094. Sex on the first date → eh?
095. Kiss on the first date → oki!

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now → MY PETER.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life → very yes
099. Do you believe in God → yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people

I’m home…in some sense or fashion of the word…and yet the memories I recall are foreign to me. The images come from what seems to be a different body…a detached world from mine. Family has lost its traditional meaning to me. Losing family is more than losing a friend or a place…everyone feels like a stranger to me…that I somehow remember from some distant past. Things like time and age seem paramount here…and an end is immenent. I know these feelings are important but I’m not sure how. At least they are new…and there seems to be something to be said for a newness in life.

And I feel the poetry has disappeared from my fingers and the words don’t flow quite as easily.

My life seems inconsistent but of course it should be.

Memory seems very new to me. As if before now all memory had been lost to me.


To see the world with new eyes.

It’s terrifying and beautiful.