I am in love.
So I’m leaving for college in 5 hours. It all seems very surreal. Very much not my life. And yet at the same time it seems completely rational. Rationality in an irrational world. Or perhaps the opposite. I am scared. I am excited. I feel free. I am looking through an open door. I am closing many doors. I am taking many things with me. I am bottling up fairy dust for the ride home. I never thought I would be this old, but I suppose it comes and goes. I want to live fully. I want to start over. I want to be free. I want to find love…for all the right reasons. I want to stumble and I want to fall and I want to fly. I want to create. I want to learn. I want to live. I want to let go. I want to be. I want to change. And never ever let go of the fire burning in my heart. I want to ignite.
It’s so many ends. And so many beginnings. It’s a moment in time.
It’s one that only happens once. Like all the others.
And it’s my moment.
I want to walk into the abyss with an open heart, an empty bag, a wild imagination, a mess of memories, and a breath to conquer fear.
Arise and seize the day.
Do not fear.
Feel your way around in the dark until you find the light.
It’s always there.
You end alone and in the light.
Now go out and live the life you were born to live.
I’m ready to choose my destiny.
I’m ready to start my life.
This is the first day of my life.
This is the beginning.
Dive right in.
…The waters warm…
I miss my best friend already. My life. My light. My whole heart.
But sometime when we were laughing from deep within our hearts and spinning around in the teacups…it all seemed clear: love is always eternal. True love never ends. They will always be with me.
The last night we were young. We saw magic. We were 14 again. We were laughing and forgiving and forgetting and dreaming and sharing and loving and remembering and…crying. We climbed through dark brambles and lit fireworks in a field and watched them sparkle in our eyes. A light for each of us. We hung our ghosts on lampposts and waited for someone new to wipe away our old tears. We said goodbye and watched pieces of our hearts fall to the ground…making us a little bit lighter…a little bit freer…a little bit emptier.
And then I wiped a tear. Blew a kiss. And walked out the door.
And didn’t look back.
And I cried all the way home. In the darkness feeling wet warmth dribble down my cheek. Clenching my muscles together so as not to make a sound. And I see your faces or hear your name and I close my eyes as hard as I can.
I’ve never wanted a moment to be eternal more. To stop this train. For reality to finally fall by the wayside.
And in my last breath…I felt the magic. Wholly and truly. It was there. Always. With us. Forever.
I love you all. Each and every single one of you. You have shaped me…and I carry a piece of you with me down this long and winding road. This journey is not over. It’s just beginning. And you. You were all there with me…we were all with each other…as we watched each other bloom. Now all of you…each and every single one of you…fly. And come visit me with your new found wings. You are all beautiful. I will love you always. Always.
Here’s to the nights we felt alive.
Here’s to love that will always be.
Here’s to a new beginning.
i love ali wienroth and janak tu,l and josh raiifee and this random guy chuck and he pleases me and i want to suck on the tit of life and roll down fun mountain to thesea of glorinoux happiness forever and ever and ever and a cxa flot cotton candy raninbow of sin.
Maybe it’s not about forgiveness.
Maybe it’s about something more.
Maybe it’s about closing the door.
I need my brother.
I’m strong enough to work through it now.
The most human contact I’ve had with him in 4 years…in text message form:
Dad: You know Lauren, this sounds alot like your mother. If YOU want to talk then great. I’ll talk about anything you want to talk about. None of us are perfect and its time to move on. I’m getting too old for this game and I think you are too. We’ve lost 4 years together already. I want to have a relationship with you. Do you?
Me: I miss the man you used to be.
Dad: I’m still that same man. I was good then and I was flawed then. I’m good now and flawed now. We all are. I love you so much. I’ve heard that daughters idolize their fathers and it is very hard when they learn their fathers are flawed. But we are all flawed…me, you, mom…every one of your friends fathers. It doesn’t diminish my love for you.
I don’t know you anymore. Who are you? Are you human? Is this humanity? I can’t believe it. It sounds like such simple words…coming from the mind of a sociopath. The daughter of a sociopath. How am I supposed to love?
I wish I could stop dwelling in my own sorrow. It’s pathetic. And I’m caught between thinking it’s not that bad…there are worse things…and thinking…this pain is perfectly real and perfectly justified. Where does good lie? Where is right?
But how am I just supposed to move on? And how am I supposed to forgive?
I never will, will I?
I wish I had an answer.
But this is humanity. Falling in the darkness towards the light.
And it’s fucking beautiful.
Do people change? Can people change? My father changed. So I convinced myself I could change myself. Needed to change myself. I needed to change other people. Maybe he didn’t change. That’s the scariest part. That he’s always been this man. Always. We are all this man. He’s just chosen this path. I have to choose another one. No. I don’t need to do anything. I’ve convinced myself that there’s a right way and a wrong way. That there’s something I need to be. That healing is necessary. That I can be whole. That…happiness is the choice we all want. I don’t want happiness. I don’t need to be whole. I don’t need anything. I want to be alive. That’s all I want. To feel the breath in my lungs. Wholly and truly.
It’s not about me. It’s about us.
And I want to give my whole love. Not my broken excuse for love. That’s why I need to heal. Can heal. No other reason.
In an objective universe…we need to create subjectivity. To keep sanity.
And in a broken world…we need to believe in a whole heart. To keep faith.
And in an open ended question…we need to want to answer. To keep that spark alive.
And when the world turns its back on you…we need to love. To love. To see. To feel. To be.
We need to be. That’s all.