I woke up this morning and opened my eyes for the first time.

People have so much power. For change. For hope.

And from this point forward I’m getting my shit together.

I can’t change my soul. But I can change my destiny.

To being.

I have pieces of you all littering my soul.

And I’ve been avoiding the truth by trying to fix things that cannot be fixed and ignoring the glaring burns. From this moment onward…I take responsibility for myself.

I am an adult.

And I want reality.

I will never forget last night as long as I live. Never. The grace and pureness of his words. The shining beauty of her soul washing over me. Breaking me, mending me, opening me. We need each other. It’s like acting. It’s not about you. It’s about us.

Harmony. Balance.

Faith.

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I feel a list of coursing adjectives shifting through my body in buckets and in pouring and in the silence that fills the spaces between matter and ebnergy and fairht faith is all we have all we

FALITH AND LOVE

SHUT TEHE FUCKO UP IT IS REAL

It is the essence of meaning. It is a constant battle between mind and heart for soul. It is epiphany. It’s fucking beautiful.

And it’s all about breathing.

Today all my nonsense words made sense. I honestly and organically let go. You have to let go of letting go.

 

It’s about humanity.

Acting is finding the soul. That bittersweet place where mind meets heart. Neither one dominating, yet simply…being. The pilot light.

Today my mind took me back to mercer street. Or my heart. But I think it was my soul. It was not a concious choice…I just found myself walking up to that old brick house…and watched the shambles and the ruble and the bare wood construct itself into the polished marble counters and the fraying yellow wallpaper. It wasn’t about a state, or a time, or me, or my family…it was simply about the place. The vastness of the human soul is fascinating. i didn’t want anything. I didn’t want my family back or my old life back…in fact…the house was completely empty…a shell…the way I left it. I just wanted to be there. I don’t know why and I don’t know why it was significant to me. But I think for the first time I’m learning how to be.

June 28- Arrival day. Leave princeton at 8am with Goodie…arrive…go out to lunch..unpack…meet JZ…buy stuff at rite-aid…get introduced to everyone…….etc.

June 29- Auditions…never have i ever…marsha introduction

June 30- First day of classes

July 1- Not reading macbeth. way to go me.

July 2- improv games- to be or not to be…reading twelfth night…evening improv class with omar

July 3- Laser tag…middletown fireworks…

July 4- late to marsha’s class…independance day…watching brian cox movie

July 5- excursion to NTI…discovering sketchy incensce place and salvia…”the near east”…calling conor on the bus

July 6- Brian Cox! one on one with gary

July 7-

July 8- sing ‘before i gaze at you again’ for the first time for the class…

July 9- sicky sleeps through Omar…one on one with marsha and clare…wonderful…John Erman…improv class go in same environment 10 different times. watching the goodbye girl?….staying up late talking to maev in the hallway for the first time…alex says “do you ever just look at a girl and wonder how many cocks she’s sucked?” ross freaks out on us

July 10- Getting a letter from Jeff Sands…Brian’s horrible night…telling the RA’s…etc…

July 11- Get bogie’s package…brian goes to hospital…last day with marsha and clare…roll down the big hill…fall asleep at 7:30…cabaret rehearsal…naked dance party until 2am.

July 12- Go to town…get clare’s cake…get spiffy for cabaret….cabaret night! crying for clare…clare party…bumming in joe’s room

July 13- Sleep late…rehearse…read outside…memorize lines…talk to Tony Branch…watch bad shakespeare movie merchant of venice…Stay up late with jz talking of bobby lang

July 14- First day with Penny…Ginna tells me about Grace Kelly…watch v for vendetta…listen to beautiful music in maev’s room with matt

July 15- First day with Henry Goodman….nearly sleep through voice with Gary…don’t go to any meals…longest shakespeare class ever…literally sleep through joe’s class…henry goodman fucking rocks and we “get the cheese”…go to get coffee with maev and ben and late for movie. watch mulan with cynthia. sleep/write through on the waterfront.

July 16- Henry Goodman…spends so much time on me…go into town to Javapalooza…Omar-charades…water gun fight…sleeping in the grass…Omar “phycadellic”…do man who came to dinner monologue…

July 17- Maime Gummer is fucking awesome. John Tucker Must Die. Klekolo.

July 18- DARK NIGHT. Debating politics with Danny. Sleeping outside with Maev…streaking with Danny…

July 19- Henry Goodman…Mulan II…napping in church…running around in the pouring rain…showering with Ginna…salvia…wall-e…photoshoot…CRAZY dance party…more salvia…Goodie…maev’s room…Matt…sleep.

July 20- three sisters in williamstown. cool talkback. long busride. calling conor. mash. lying in bed listening to the weepies for hours all cuddling and falling asleep in maev’s bed.

July 21- conor calls me back. gary wants me to sing…not prepared…breakthrough about letting go in omar’s meditation. improv- begin to make presentation…salvia alot…hunting lion…drawing…fall asleep crazily in maev’s bed

July 22- learn learning to let go…assassins i kill danny…danny is very sore loser. get mom’s package and emlyn’s letter. talk to joe…dinner…improv practice presentation…horrible movie…don’t watch…fall asleep in maev’s room

July 23- auditions in the morning…not so great feedback…nap…into town in the rain with ginna and maev…lunch and get dresses…theatre games- movements….

Memories: sleeping between classes with the slight breeze and golden light on my feet. Vegan day/week! Fucking Joe. Running around in the grass and laying in the grass playing the laughing game. “higher, higher” – omar. emily implying that i’m a whore. spying on talene and alex hooking up. danny crying when clare left. danny and nick dancing dirty. the obstacle course game. reading porn to matt. opening my legs in my sleep and saying “Do you still want me to write you that letter brian?….I’ll do it tomorrow…” watching pulp fiction. clare being a wonderful winnie-the-pooh. marsha remembering what i told her about painting and writing. waking up in the morning and missing conor. waking up in the morning and not waking up. not remembering to bring clothes to the shower. walking in on brian and jz. brian’s night terrors. cuddling with ben and goodie. ginna grinding on me. getting in a mini fight with goodie. vigusaurus. reading tarot cards with maev and ben with sketchy candles. marsha being so fucking amazing. eating meals with fantastic teachers. gary forcing me to sing.

telling the story with 3 different people exercise.
walking in to the room, taking it in, bowing and leaving exercise.
blind obstacle course
hunter hunted
diaphramatic breathing

It’s insane. Life is absolutely insane. This month is just flying through my fingertips and I’m trying to hold on to anything and everything.

Acting is a profession of humanity. A expert of humanity. Both concious and subconcious. And all of this theoretical talk makes me wonder even more as to the objective nature of reality. i think I’m beginning to understand that reality is always subjective. And the word organic. What a concept. We fight and struggle to find the very essence of life in an honest way. The concept of acting is absolutely fascinating. Completely mind boggling. And while I can’t seem to process all of the information that has been thrown at me these past few weeks…something in my soul is absorbing…something. Something has changed. And i suppose that’s how real change happens. It is not as…miraculous as you may thing. And yet, acting is innately spiritual, mystical and abstract.

I want to just write and write forever but the words seem to be logged in my throat or stuck to my brain cells.

And i feel like i should feel a certain way that i don’t. I’m so happy here…I know that. I miss home. I want to be home. I would never trade this experience for anything. I wish we were in the woods instead of at a campus. I miss Conor with a dull pain in my stomach. I love these people. I’m completely absorbed in this world. And yet I look forward to August. i suppose…all in all…it’s a beautiful feeling. And it is what it is and i think I’m learning to be honest. That’s what all of this is about right? Learning to let go. To be honest. Organic.

Acting through faith.

It’s about faith.

Breathe.