I believe in magic.
It’s my last night in my home…the theatre…I’m sitting in Bogad’s desk and everywhere I look…everywhere…I see myself. I am etched into the surface of these walls. I am breathing in the chipping paint. I am crying tears onto the theatre blanket. I am encapsulated in this theatre. My soul is here. And in that way…I am eternal…I am ALWAYS going to be here. I can never leave. I can never truly part with this place…because it is in fact a part of me. I’m not sad…even though I was sure I was going to be a wreck. I have only good memories in this place…no…perfect memories. Golden glory days. And I will be an echo in this room for a long long time. There I am…asleep on the couch…watching Conor play guitar…painting late at night…flirting youthfully with Bobby…making out with Josh…dancing around on the stage…sitting in the audience watching a rehearsal…I see myself here. And in every molecule I am floating. And in every breath I breathe in bits and pieces of the world I helped to create. And in the lights ascending I have planted something in each and every one of them. I am growing. And I have bloomed. And the view from the top is astounding. I’ve found the way to live. And thats breathing in every single moment and pouring out your heart. I spent every moment I possibly could have in this room…and for that…I have no regrets. I made the most of my time. And that’s what it was…my time. I made a vow last year…I’m going to spend my time this way…and I have…and I will. This is just the beginning. And the end. And the eternity. But mostly…it’s my last night in the theatre…and what that really means…is just a moment. One. Perfect. Golden. Glorified. Moment.
I get it.
Awake and alive. Forever.
Never stop moving.
And in a moment…it’s all over. It’s hard to wrap my mind around. Leaving the Janus Players. My world. My life. My home. And yet…I have no regrets. Not one. I poured my heart and my soul into that stage…cherished and savored every last moment…from Into the Woods to Neverland. I found my heart in that theatre and I found myself in Wendy. Peter Pan was the perfect show to end on. Perfect. And there was this moment yesterday…standing on the stairs…and all I could see was every light in the theatre blaring into my eyes and all I could feel was tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart just breaking and spilling out of every pore in my body. And I could feel and taste and see the magic. I was a part of everything. And I was alive. And I was still there. And the world just seemed to make sense. And there were no more walls. No more fear. And in that moment…I grew up. I have become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve bloomed. And I can fly. I have no regrets.
We’ll always have Neverland…but truly…to live would be an awfully big adventure. And it’s my time now.
Second to the right and straight on till morning.
The last perfect fragile days of this life. It’s indescribable. Like falling in love with reality all over again.