SO surreal.

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It’s my last night in my home…the theatre…I’m sitting in Bogad’s desk and everywhere I look…everywhere…I see myself. I am etched into the surface of these walls. I am breathing in the chipping paint. I am crying tears onto the theatre blanket. I am encapsulated in this theatre. My soul is here. And in that way…I am eternal…I am ALWAYS going to be here. I can never leave. I can never truly part with this place…because it is in fact a part of me. I’m not sad…even though I was sure I was going to be a wreck. I have only good memories in this place…no…perfect memories. Golden glory days. And I will be an echo in this room for a long long time. There I am…asleep on the couch…watching Conor play guitar…painting late at night…flirting youthfully with Bobby…making out with Josh…dancing around on the stage…sitting in the audience watching a rehearsal…I see myself here. And in every molecule I am floating. And in every breath I breathe in bits and pieces of the world I helped to create. And in the lights ascending I have planted something in each and every one of them. I am growing. And I have bloomed. And the view from the top is astounding. I’ve found the way to live. And thats breathing in every single moment and pouring out your heart. I spent every moment I possibly could have in this room…and for that…I have no regrets. I made the most of my time. And that’s what it was…my time. I made a vow last year…I’m going to spend my time this way…and I have…and I will. This is just the beginning. And the end. And the eternity. But mostly…it’s my last night in the theatre…and what that really means…is just a moment. One. Perfect. Golden. Glorified. Moment.

 

Now.

 

I get it.

I’m here.

Awake and alive. Forever.

And in a moment…it’s all over. It’s hard to wrap my mind around. Leaving the Janus Players. My world. My life. My home. And yet…I have no regrets. Not one. I poured my heart and my soul into that stage…cherished and savored every last moment…from Into the Woods to Neverland. I found my heart in that theatre and I found myself in Wendy. Peter Pan was the perfect show to end on. Perfect. And there was this moment yesterday…standing on the stairs…and all I could see was every light in the theatre blaring into my eyes and all I could feel was tears rolling down my cheeks and my heart just breaking and spilling out of every pore in my body. And I could feel and taste and see the magic. I was a part of everything. And I was alive. And I was still there. And the world just seemed to make sense. And there were no more walls. No more fear. And in that moment…I grew up. I have become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve bloomed. And I can fly. I have no regrets.

We’ll always have Neverland…but truly…to live would be an awfully big adventure. And it’s my time now.

Second to the right and straight on till morning.

Forever.