It’s about learning…not tearing yourself apart and building it back up again. Accept yourself. Accept your past. You can’t change it. Do not dwell on it. Do not forget it…for it is who you are. Take it and run with it. Not from it. No more lies. No more running.
Do not fear.
“The only dream worth having is to dream that
you will live while you are alive,
and die only when you are dead.
To love, to be loved.
To never forget your own insignificance.
To never get used to the unspeakable violence and
vulgar disparity of the life around you.
To seek joy in the saddest places.
To pursue beauty to its lair.
To never simplify what is complicated
or complicate what is simple.
To respect strength, never power.
Above all to watch.
To try and understand. To never look away.
And never, never to forget.”
– Arundhati Roy
I thought all day and ended up right back at the start.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Nothing. I’ve been so wrapped up with what I need to change about myself and how I need to evolve that I haven’t just accepted myself. I will evolve whether I like it or not. There is nothing I HAVE to do. There is nothing I NEED to be. Other than myself. I may need some time away from Bobby. I may need to find better guys. But there are no absolutes. Other than that this life is perfect. There is nothing I can’t pick myself up from. Let it be.
Love yourself. I’m enough. To love.
Live everything. Every day.
And now begins the fall of a lifetime. I’m so ready. I’m ready for all of it. To cherish every second of it no matter what it brings. Tears, heartache, miracles…it’s all beautiful.
And my life is a miracle.
This is rehab. I’m doing whatever I have to do to stay sober. There is no right answer.
There is only the step forward.
He loves me not. And it’s not my fault.
And now it’s time to move on. And stop falling in love with
Stop needing love.
Cut the cord and face reality. Let go of love.
Break the cycle.
There is an old street sign
Holding your name
That I often gaze upward at as I round your corner
And you’re always standing in the door frame like a shadow
Like rain pattering on an empty swing.
You leave this heavy hand print on my ribcage
Where someone has been squeezing me heart
And this is not a disease that can be cut from the flesh
It dwells and it feeds and it multiplies
One day I will drown you in all my tears and you feel what it is to be real
The soft humanity that you drove off with
You must have left me your heart
So now I have twice the heartache
And no stethoscope can feel my pulse.
There is something freeing in believing in insanity.
Taking the fault away from love
and placing it in the hands of some drip of chaos.
We’d like to think it’s insanity. Because there is no cure for lack of love.
There is no cure for an empty door frame.
Or this pang in my chest when I look at your skin stretched across your skull
Or the sounds that rush through my mouth when my walls fall down
And I’m drowning again and you aren’t crying.
You’re never crying and I’m always crying.
Well that’s a lie.
You cry tears of insanity. Fake tears.
You cry because you have no heart and you don’t even know it.
It’s never going to heal and that is not even sad. That’s redeeming.
It’s not my fault. I’m not doing anything wrong.
It’s just broken.
Once I tried to paste it together with glue.
And sew it together with ribbons I found in that blue drawer.
And stuff it in so tight that the cracks would just mend.
But sometimes I look down and see it poking out of my chest.
And I wonder how broken things ever get fixed.
I try to make sense of my big lump of flesh. But screws fall out.
I have no insurance.
Then I see you in that door frame again and I wonder if you’ll always be there. Or if you’re not there at all and I’m just clinging to this little image in my head.
I think one day I’ll stop waiting for you to come home.
And I’ll break the door frame.
Holy fuck. I’m still not fucking over Campbell.
Oh my god.
I really really really love Hun.
And that’s really all that matters right now.
My last exams…mmm. Bittersweet.
Bliss. What a perfect word.
Love is not simple. It is the epitome of humanity. There is no right answer.
Just never stop loving.
Love is the answer.
What an incredible experience this is. To breathe life to these amazing words. Runaways is like a dream come true. I’m really ready to just dive into it. And the whole experience is just making me realize how insanely lucky I am. To be able to come home to a bed and warm clothes and a roof over my head. Going to Hun…we all take EVERYTHING for granted.
Today I went and slept under the bridge for a few hours. Just to feel. To feel what it’s like to belong no where. To be freezing cold and absolutely miserable. To be frightened of everything. To imagine the feeling of the only way you can eat is to steal. After just sitting there in the freezing cold for a while…then I tried doing my monologue…and I was literally sobbing through the whole thing.
This whole process is just so mind blowing. And beautiful.