So it’s the last day of 2007. It’s come to an end already. What a year.

This time last year I was sitting in England…before Bobby…before Mattress….before everything.

This has truly been the best year of my life. And I knew it would be. I made it so.

I learned so much. I’ve come so far. I’m not even the same person I’m really not.

My new years resolution:

DO NOT TAME MY HEART.

New Year is one of the greatest holidays. It simply stands for a new beginning. And rebirth is all we can ask for in this life. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s an end and a beginning all in one. It’s a rebirth.

It was a year of love. Of rebirth. Of Spring Awakening. Of sexuality. Of moving on. Of starting over. Of finding the best friends one could have. Of theatre. Of learning how to let go and how to hold on. It was a year of perfection.

2007

THE BEGINNING
1. Where were you when the year began?::  In times square…next to Emlyn and Bryan and full of hope
2. What were you doing at the time?:: Looking out the window at the incredible scene below
3. Were you praying for Dick Clark?:: Shwa?
4. Did you make any resolutions?:: Hope.
5. When did you fall asleep?:: Right after the ball dropped. It was a long day.
6. Who was the first person you talked to?:: Emlyn. My family.
7. Did you throw confetti?:: There was a multitude of confetti falling from the sky. It was beautiful.
8. Did you kiss someone into the year?:: Mmm. No. But I hope to this year.
9. Were there any other party-type things involved?:: Strongbow. Running around the city and being with my favorite people on earth.

THE GOOD TIMES
10. What’s one of your best memories of 2007?:: So many. Celebrating my 17th birthday under my cherry tree with my favorite people on earth. Crossing the delaware river. The blue light night of love with Bobby. Sitting around a campfire with Savvy and Kiala and Lucy and Mia all night long in the middle of a forest. Diving off bridges. Sleeping on my roof. Being home in my theatre. Looking into a candle and seeing God for the first time.
11. Name something really exciting that happened:: Spring Awakening. Bobby. Moving. Janus Players. Love.
12. Who were your best friends?:: Emlyn. My constant. Amy. The Janus Players. Jmo. Bogie.
13. If you were in school at the time, what was your favorite class?:: Advanced Scene. Advanced Studio Art. Video 1/2. I sound like I go to an art school.
14. Make any new friends?:: Yes. The best friends I could ask for. So many. Plus all of the under classmen this year.
15. Fall in love?:: Yes.
16. Did any firsts happen in 2007?:: Yes. First every sexual experience. First kiss. First lover. First lead role. Figuring out my sexuality. God.

THE BAD TIMES
17. What’s one of your worst memories from 2007?:: Moving. Hard but so rewarding.
18. Name something really awful that happened:: Choiboy? Lindsay’s death. Daddy. The epic xanga fight. Burning bridges.
19. Did you lose any friends?:: So many. Nearly all.
20. Any teachers have it out for you?:: Slut Ms. P. Shaffer. I don’t know alot of them suck.
21. Lose a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: Yes. Many times. But we found each other again.
22. Do you have any regrets?:: No. Not one.
23. Anything you need to apologize for?:: I’m sure many people think so.

THE POP-CULTURE STUFF
24. Who was your favorite American Idol contestant?:: Um. Are you dumb? Who cares
25. Did you watch that dancing American Idol spin-off?:: Um……..no. Go away. But So You Think You Can Dance is hot.
26. Did any of your favorites win an Oscar?:: I don’t know about oscars…but can we say TONY
27. What was the best movie of 2007?:: Across the Universe. Into the Wild. Once.
28. Best new TV show?:: Pushing Daisies.
29. Any TV specials that were good?:: No?
30. What’s your favorite song from 2007?:: GIRLFRIEND. Hey hey you you.
31. How about your favorite new band?:: Spring Awakening.

THE ACHIEVMENTS
32. If you said “yes” to the resolutions question…how did that work out?:: In the best way possible.
33. Win any awards?:: Hhahahah. Some library award.
34. Accomplish anything else that you find important?:: Yes. My painting. Magpie. Moving on.
35. Learn any major life lessons?:: More than I could ever say.

THE CONCLUSION
36. Sum 2007 up in a few words:: Beautiful. Hope. Rebirth. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” “The stars too-they tell of spring returning.” “The universe only spins forward.” Bliss.
37. Will 2008 be as good?:: My faith only grows.
38. Will Dick Clark still be able to host on the big night?:: No….
39. Will you watch if he isn’t?:: Yes….
40. Will there be anymore “We Love You, Dick” signs?:: I love dick.

{IN 2007……..} (Bold That Apply In 2007)


I Got A Cellphone

I Made New Friends
I Moved

I Went To A New School

Visited Another Country
Fell In Love
Fell Out Of Love

Snuck Out
Had A Resolution That I Kept

Had A Resolution I Didn’t Keep

Made Some Mistakes
(Um…duh?)

Made A New Xanga

Made A Myspace
(Ick)
Got A New E-mail Address

Liked Someone

Got A New Look
(Blonde)

Got A New Attitude

Got a New Look On Life
Lost Weight
Got Taller
(I hope not)
Had Kids

Got Married

Lost Friends

Lost Family

Learned An Instrument (Slowly slowly)
Got Intouch With Old Friends

Gained Weight

Dropped Out Of School

Got Good Grades

Got In Fights

Got Sick

Sang Infront Of A Crowd
Dated Around
Got Dumpped

Discovered A New Band

Got Addicted To A Drug
(Opi-YUM)

Got Addicted To A TV Show

Discovered A New Show

Got Depressed

Got Introuble With The Law

Went To Jail

Got Pissed At Friends

2007 Was A Good Year
2007 Was An Ok Year


Best year of my life.

These are the memories I keep:

January. Spring Awakening. CD signing. Duncan Sheik and Steven Sater signing our pants. Becoming the pants girls. Running down times square with Emlyn. Standing up for myself. Screaming at my dad on the phone. Reading Angels in America. Meeting Bobby. Late nights in the theatre getting to know each other. February. Spring Awakening. Mattress Mattress Mattress. Sexual tension. The most magical night of my life. Blue light across his 18 year old face as I lay in his arms at 5am. March. That absolutely breathtaking spring. Watching my tree bloom for the last time. Slowly becoming part of the Janus Players. Watching my dreams come true and getting to be a part of the strongest love I’ve ever known. Old springs pike. April. My first sleep over at Katie Bakers and feeling so incredibly blessed to be with them. Caesar on the mall. Ass. Crimes of the Heart. Sleeping in the theatre, wrapped up in love. Auditioning for spring awakening. Founders fest. Drunken hook ups with Bobby. Feeling incredible. Cuddling in blankets on the mall under the stars. Falling in love with a group of people. With a feeling. With a place. With a moment. Falling in love with life. May. My birthday under my tree. Caesar. Bobby. Exquisite love. Oxygen. Skanky tubas. Ass. A perfect prom. A perfect month. June. A hard farewell. But beautiful. The hardest week of my entire life. Shedding my past. Moving out of that house. Not sleeping or eating for 3 days straight and crying more than I have in all my life. I can still feel it in the pit of my stomach. Realizing it’s not over. Hiking with my loves. Playing house. Some of the best memories of my life. Pretending we could stay together forever. Savvy walking in on me and Bobby. Creation. Finding God. Incredible. July. Beach. 15 hour shifts with Lucy. Dispatch. John Mayer. Harry Potter. Reading in the grass as the sun soaks into your skin. 9 Battle. One of my favorite places on earth. Bard. Incredible. August. A month of goodbyes. Making love in the shower as water drips off your nose. Holding onto him as he lead us through the ocean. Perfect. Bangarang. Breaking into Hun. Nights that seemed to stop time. Holding hands in the fountain. Saying goodbye to the best people I know. 3am drinking wine by the fire, praying that tomorrow will never come and making our memories last forever. Standing ontop of a bridge 50 feet in the air and looking out into the horizon. Holding hands with love as you jump off the bridge and that rush in your stomach that makes you know you’re alive. Sitting around a campfire telling our souls and ghost stories. Holding on to the people who matter. One last perfect night with Bobby. Hilton Head with my best friend. Bliss. September. The end of a perfect summer. The beginning of a perfect year. Sleeping on my roof. Stuck on the top of a ferris wheel with Julia looking up at the stars. Find out I can paint. Incredible. October. College applications. Homecoming. Sleeping with Mia and Kiala on my couch. Making love on my roof with Bobby. The Man Who Came to Dinner. Meeting Janak and Kristey and loving Clifford. Growing to love the new Janus Players. Bogad. November. Magpie. Absolutely incredible feeling of leading. Moving out of 9 Battle to Kingston. A new beginning. Hey Jude dance. Asking Conor out. Getting closer and closer and closer to Bobby. Thanksgiving with something to be thankful for. Out in the cold holding onto Bobby tighter and tighter. Getting over my fear of singing. December. Painting forever. Losing my virginity. Having Bobby. Gallagher’s last show. Runaways. The most perfect christmas. Round 3. Finally being honest. Crying in Bobby’s arms. Getting my heart broken. Finally getting what I want for the first time in my life. Making love to Bobby in the attic with the rain pounding down on the roof. Perfection. And now. To the last night of the year spent with the people who I love most in this world. Nothing could be better. From start to finish…absolutely perfect. Perfect.

Thank you 2007. Thank you.

It was so fucking beautiful.

No compromises this year. Thank you Bobby. For showing me love. But this year…I’m running free. To the light.

I haven’t been home for a new year in ages. Finally. I get to spend it with the people I love more than anything. I am so lucky.

2008. The year I graduate. The year I start college. The year my future begins. The year I speak up for myself. This year is to love. To faith. To hope. To growing up. To change. To flying. To more life. More rebirth. And wherever the wind takes me, I’ll always have the light.

To 2008 – the year of love. The best year of my life.

Honestly I don’t see how it can get any better. I will make it so. Awake. And be free.

I have faith in the universe. And that’s all I need.

To love.

The story’s not over yet. The future is my hands. What are you going to do with it?

Run.

This year. Nothing is holding me back. Run.

Run to love.

Thank you baby boy. You finally gave me what I needed. Love.

And the spell has been lifted.

And today was magic.

Thank you.

Love.

You’ve finally given me love.

And she will be loved.

I made a choice. And I took a path. And it sucks. And it hurts. But it wasn’t wrong. It was the choice I made. And I know I made it for a reason. Sometimes I just forget why. Then I’m sitting in the theatre and I know why.

This is the path I took.

I trust my heart.

But looking at pointe shoes makes me cry.

I will always remember this Christmas as the most blissful, peaceful and beautiful Christmas of them all. Thank you.

Acceptance came. The truth was there all along. And I finally saw it.

Everything is alright.

Merry Christmas.

Now.

There was a moment coming out of Carmines into the New York City street where I felt…I’m all grown up. And I felt perfect. And that was all I needed for Christmas.

There was a moment when I woke up in his arms, our fingers interlaced and the quiet of 5am light splashed across our intertwined bodies and I felt perfect. And that was all I needed for Christmas.

There was a moment after I had gotten my bike with a big red ribbon on it and my brother was ripping the paper off of the PS3 and the look on his face…I knew we were children forever. And I felt perfect. And I felt so much family love eminating. More than ever. These past 3 years have bonded us in a way we never had been before. And that was all I needed for Christmas.

There was a moment…holding hands with my big brother…helping him skate slowly around the pond in the middle of NYC…when I just felt the love and peace coursing through us. We’ve been through it all. And we’ve made it to the other side. And he’s always going to be there for me. Always. He’s my family now. And it’s enough. It’s more than enough. It’s perfect. I felt perfect. And that was all I needed for Christmas.

And in that church, at 1 in the morning, on the last note of Silent Night…God was in the light. And that’s all I need.

And I sat on the roof and looked out at Carnegie Lake on Christmas day and watched the birds fly in circles around the water. My dad called. And for the first time…my impulsive response was to pick up. And I did. And I knew in that moment…I’ve made peace with my past. It’s over. And that was all I’ve ever needed.

I’ve come so far. So far.

And that is the most perfect Christmas I can remember.

Merry Christmas.

A perfect Christmas.

In a perfect year.

The best Christmas I can remember.

Christmas is about the birth of hope. That’s what it’s about.

And about love. And I have hope and love and peace and that’s all I need.

And I have family. How did I never see that? I have a stronger family than ever before.

And that is seeing the light.

And everything is alright.

Merry Christmas.


“Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore”

I’m sitting in my favorite place on earth. And I feel home. I’m typing from Bogad’s desk looking out onto the stage. The audience is filling and there’s that certain humming buzz about the air that echoes in performance. To me, this is all there is, and all I need. Forever. I don’t know. Something about being here feels so perfect. And that’s not contrived. I honestly feel that. This is where I’m meant to be. I feel home.

That pain in my heart is real.

And it makes me alive.

I saw my brother and mother embracing and crying together. And I smiled. In the midst of sheer and inconceivable evil…true love is created.

Nothing’s gonna change my world.

It’s a choice.