Sometime I honestly sit around for hours at a time thinking about sophmore year. Replaying it all. Making it real again. Most days it just seems like a bad dream. And when I dig it up…it just all spills out onto the floor at my feet and I can’t float. I can’t wade. I just drown. That’s what it all felt like. The whole thing. It felt so terribly like drowning. I wanted to so badly to reach him. To reach out and take his heart. I wanted it so badly.
Sometimes it all comes back in waves. Like everything I’ve been living has been just this fake smile plastered on a doll’s face and I don’t even feel it. And underneath there is this vast darkness just cascading around inside of me.
Sometimes when I’m home alone I just scream. I just scream it all out. Maybe just to hear myself scream. Maybe to let the demons out.
Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. A lot of the time I think I already am crazy.
Sometimes it feels so easy to just dwell in the darkness.
Most of the time I push it out of my mind and try to breathe new air.
Almost always though…I think it is the most important thing that ever happened to me. All of it. Every single thing. Made me who I am today. And makes me see the light in a rainbow of poetics.
I am always thankful I made it out alive.