“God is a concept by which we measure our pain.”


“I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an
old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in
all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all
the rest said was right. It’s just that the translations have gone
wrong.


“Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.


“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.

Surrealism had a great effect on me because then I
realised that the imagery in my mind wasn’t insanity. Surrealism to me
is reality.


-John Lennon

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I have literally no way to express what I feel right now in human terms. If I were to paint what I feel it would abstract…with every color of the rainbow. I went back to my house. And a door was left wide open in the back…so I went in. Here is the part where I literally cannot describe anything. It feels like a blur. A dream. A ridiculous dream. Walking through the ruins of my house. Literally. As if it had been blown up or burned down but everything was still intact. Every beam, all the floors exactly in the right place….but all it was was rotten wood…nothing. Nothing left at all. The imprint of a lifetime. And my life etched into it’s walls. I was standing in a pile of wood. And I could see with my eyes…where I was sitting when I found out my Dad left…where I was laughing with Campbell some years ago…I could see me and my brothers all together…I could see us all together…I walked into Emlyn’s room and could see us  jumping around on the bed…to my study and saw me curled up in a ball crying over Dan Reiss. I could see everything. You can look through the entire house. Like x-ray vision. You can stand on the first floor and see up into the attic. It all looks much smaller. I could look up and see my nook. Every single aspect of my house is demolished…but my blankets and pillows are exactly intact in my secret spot. Eerie. At first I started crying. Then I stopped. And for a long time I had no idea what to do with myself. I could see but at the same time I saw nothing. I could create the walls and fill in the holes and wallpaper the rooms with my mind and place images there…but then I opened my eyes for the first time and saw reality. I saw myself. 17 years old and sitting in the middle of a pile of wood that once was my house. This is reality. This all happened. My dad left. My family broke apart. Me and my mother were left on our own and had to leave our house. And everything that was left of my past life is gone. And then I got up from the floor and walked out the door. Finally. For the first time in my life…left the past in the past. And rode my bike home. To my new home.

Life moves on.

Let go.

This is reality.

“Later,
if you have endured great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.”

-Anne Sexton

God is in the rowing, not the island you discover.

Sometime I honestly sit around for hours at a time thinking about sophmore year. Replaying it all. Making it real again. Most days it just seems like a bad dream. And when I dig it up…it just all spills out onto the floor at my feet and I can’t float. I can’t wade. I just drown. That’s what it all felt like. The whole thing. It felt so terribly like drowning. I wanted to so badly to reach him. To reach out and take his heart. I wanted it so badly.

Sometimes it all comes back in waves. Like everything I’ve been living has been just this fake smile plastered on a doll’s face and I don’t even feel it. And underneath there is this vast darkness just cascading around inside of me.

Sometimes when I’m home alone I just scream. I just scream it all out. Maybe just to hear myself scream. Maybe to let the demons out.

Sometimes I think I’m going crazy. A lot of the time I think I already am crazy.

Sometimes it feels so easy to just dwell in the darkness.

Most of the time I push it out of my mind and try to breathe new air.

Almost always though…I think it is the most important thing that ever happened to me. All of it. Every single thing. Made me who I am today. And makes me see the light in a rainbow of poetics.

I am always thankful I made it out alive.

And so I am suspended. In midair floating between two journeys. The end of Purple Summer. The best summer of my life. And tomorrow begins a new journey…my last year of high school. It all begins and ends in one stroke. So run. Run with God. Run towards the light. And cherish every breath. Watch every sun set. Don’t let a moment pass by. Do it all for the last time. End childhood. I’m more ready than I think I even know.

A year ago today I was a completely different person. Entering a completely different place. I didn’t have God. I wasn’t free. I was still attached to Tommy. I would not yet call the theatre kids my best friends or even my close friends. I had never met Bogie. I had never met Bobby. I was in my old house. And holding on for dear life. Now I’ve finally let go. And this is the most magical place I’ve ever been. I feel like I am in a much better place now than I’ve ever been in before. Run with it.

Heaven awaits. Run to it. Run with it. The whole year stands gleaming before me. Rebirth.

I’ve blossomed. I have become. So run with it. Don’t hold back. Fly.

This year is yours.

I entered this school when I was 11 years old. On this date. Now I’m all grown up. And beginning my last year ever. There are no words to say. And there is no way to describe how I feel. But I know, deep within my soul…I’m ready. There is no way to prepare myself. Just take a leap of faith. And take what you can from life. This is it.

I walk with faith.

Thank you.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Here goes nothing…

Free fall.

Run.

So many thoughts and feelings…I don’t think my words could do it justice.

All I’m sure of is that everything is beautiful.

And that I am living the most breathtakingly beautiful life ever created. Everyone is. I’m sure of it. If you could all just open your eyes. You just have to see the world through the right eyes. Connect the dots. And everything is there for you that you could ever want. Trust me. You have to take the journey for yourself. But once you do…the world is full of colors you’ve never imagined.

All you need is love.