I realized that I really do need crazy, wild, unleashed havoc of experiences sometimes. I am a wild heart and I need to laugh to the core of the earth and be spontaneous and ridiculous. And Jeremy and Emlyn and all of them are the only people that I can find that truly with. I missed that. But at the same time…I need and love and adore all of my times with my theatre kids…basking in love and glory and true, mature admiration of beautiful, incredible people and friendship. And in the end…I am just so incredibly lucky to have gotten to experience both. To have truly lived. No regrets.

They were everything I always wanted and never had. And in the end I realized what I had was always beautiful just as well. But I wouldn’t trade anything for my beautiful beautiful people and moments of sheer love. I wouldn’t change a second of any of it. It’s been one hell of a ride.

I am blessed.

Thank you.

Love.

I lose a lover.

But what I keep…what I will always keep…forever and for always…is the hard gaze of those blue eyes…like diamonds shooting through the sky. The tender softness of a brush of skin on skin. The magic of two entwined palms and fingers. The bittersweet smell of teenage sexuality…salty and sweaty and exhilarating and terrifying and utterly irreplaceable…something unknown and intangible lingering under pores and emanating off of that brown sweater. The graze of lips against skin. The sound of heavy, elastic breath thick with lust. The taste of pleasure. The feeling of peace and bliss lying in his arms. My first kiss.

Call it whatever you like…regardless of love…it was beautiful. It was. And that’s how I will always remember. That’s what I will carry with me. And that’s what I will cherish.

Thank you, my baby boy. Today I saw the truth. I saw you for the first time. You vulnerable little boy. You shine. But we just aren’t meant for each other. For nothing more than one moment. One moment in time where we belonged to each other. That’s all. Once.

Bye my baby boy.

Tragically beautiful.

Someday…someone will be able to heal you…to fill you up and to fulfill you. I am not that person. Not forever. Just for one moment.

This love is a cherry blossom. A bloom, a blazing moment of beauty and then a free fall.

We are free now. And if I see you in the future…I will smile at you with fondness…and remember my first touch.

Let’s fly.

Goodbye. Farewell. Thank you.

Peace.

Once.

Fly.

I blow you a kiss farewell.

July passed like a shooting star. A fucking incredible shooting star. Beautiful beautiful beautiful. It keeps getting more and more beautiful. Nothing can compare. A quick review. Just for myself.

July 1- Leaving creation. Busride home. Coming home. Going to Whitt’s. Running around and laughing. Burning journal with Whitt and Kiala and Bobby. Sitting alone with Bobby. Cuddling on couch. Making the decision to leave him. Incredible day.

July 2- Going to Bobby’s beach. Heaven. Being at the beach with my favorite people. Visiting Bobby at work. Being in his house. Sweet talk with Elisa on the beach. Rushing home in the car. Everyone being upset at the couples. Going to the fireworks at Princeton. Renewing faith in God. Another incredible day.

July 3- Spring Awakening onstage with Lucy and Elisa. Amazing. So good. Awesome pictures with the Johns. Shopping in the city with them. So much love.

July 4- Cutting my hair. Party at my house with my favorite people. Dirty minds on my back porch. So so beautiful. Perfect night.

July 5- Going to ballet with Sarah. Fabulous to be back with her. Fabulous.

July 6- 15 hour work day at the opera festival. Where’s Dan? Laughing and loving with Lucy. Wa trips. Sleeping at my house between shifts. So good. So good.

July 7- 10 hour work day. More laughter and love. Then to the fireworks at night with my favorites. So brilliant and beautiful. No words. Then to Elisa’s after. Laughing about mia. So beautiful.

July 8- Creation of “The List.” Resting and enjoying the summer sun.

July 9-

July 10- Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix midnight showing with Elisa and Lucy. So so pleasing.

July 11- Last day of work. Getting fired in the morning. Hah. Visiting the empty McCarter. 15 hour day. More laughs. Good times.

July 12- All day with Lucy…sitting in her backyard reading…talking…making cookies…watching tv…skipping work…brilliant day. So sweet. So much love. That night…Solo coming over. Taquito party on my roof with Solo. Awesomeness. Great beautiful talk about life on my roof under the stars. The kind of nights you can never expect or replace. Beautiful. Then legit getting fired. Hah.

July 13- Going to the library. Seeing Jen’s play with the girls. So much fun. So lovely. So surreal. But so good. Riding home with them laughing and loving.

July 14- Getting lost all day in the woods. Finding God once again. Amazing. Going to Lucy’s that night and hanging out with Kiala and Elisa and Colleen…girls night. So so good. What I had always wanted. Amazing. Painting nails…talking…laughing…pretending to drink…watching Wet Hot American Summer with Joe and Logan before they left…late night Wa trips with the girls. Hot tubing at 3 in the morning. So incredibly beautiful and wonderful. Sparklers. Falling asleep on her great wonderful couches to a movie.

July 15- Waking up at Lucy’s. Sleeping late. Spending all afternoon watching America’s Next Top Model with Kiala and Lucy. So great. Then going to the city together to the Dispatch concert. Walking around the city with creation kids. Honestly the most incredible concert of my life. No words. Surrounded by thousands of people all there for the beauty of music and for love…I saw something in humanity that I had never seen before. And I was just overwhelmed with love. Overwhelmed. Honestly it was mind blowing. I can’t put it into words. Um yeah. Then on the train home…sketchiness with

July 16- Grounded. Would have been at the beach with Ohm…but no. Grounded. Went to Hun. Read book. Went to pool. So so lovely. So happy to be there. To be alive. Very good day, considering. Very good day. Conquered the need for everything to be as I want it. Sarah came over that night. We did a puzzle. It was fabulous.

July 17- Drove up to Bard. Walked around. Fell in love. Went to the Gatsby house. Went to Rhinebeck. Ate dinner. Walked around all night with my mom. Really good conversation with my mom. Enoyed the summer night. Stayed in a cute inn.

July 18- Went on the tour of Bard. Went to the waterfall. Incredible. Shopped a little in Rhinebeck. Left Rhinebeck to go to Vassar. Drove around. Broke into the theatre. Decided to stay the night. Slept in a sketchy place.

July 19- Went through Vassar. Drove to SUNY Purchase. Went to Pepsi-Co. Had an amazing talk with my mom the whole way home about everything that’s happened. Realized a great deal. It was incredible. Then visited the old house a completely new person and saw that it has been demolished. No words. Then hung around that night. No words.

July 20- John Mayer concert with Lucy and Kiala. Incredible. No words. Beautiful beautiful beautiful.  Breathtaking. A gift from God. And he led me there. Sigh. Then eaving early to rush to Harry Potter. It was so not how I ever expected the harry release to be…but there was nothing I could do to change it…and for the first time…I simply accepted the situation and made the best of it…which was the most rewarding thing ever. I completed my childhood. Fell asleep on the roof. Finally complete.

July 21- Read the book……all day. Very slowly. Went to the pool…read.

July 22- Read the book. Emlyn came home. Went to see the 5th movie. Pleasing.

July 23- Read the book. Went walking around town talking in the stadium. Went to PJ’s. Met up with Jeremy. Played never have I ever in my basement. Hah.

July 24- Read the book. Watched Grease 2. Got my shot. Went to see Hairspray with the girls. Walked around town with them. So so much love. Amy and Jeremy showed up…hung out with them.

July 25- Went to the pool. Planned and plotted. Went to see transformers. Had the most random party ever at my house. Bonfire. Pudding balloon. Awesomeness.