Closure. I am a new person.

One last day. And now it’s over. And now I am whole.

And we are forever. We really are.

I’m not sad…I’m happy. I’m happy it ended the way it did. I’m happy that I was blessed to have such an incredible spring. I’m happy that I ever got to know these people. They shaped me in so many ways. And now…I’m happy that I’m able to let go.

Truly. Thank you.

Forever.

All at once I realize the beauty of life. The gift I have been given. All at once I wish I was back there…and at the same time…I realize that I am here. And that’s alright.

Truly. Everything is alright.

Breathe.

Wow I really have no idea what to say.

This moment. Is it.

The last play I will ever do with these people. The last day I will ever have with Bobby…this way. The last time we will ever breathe live to Rome. The last time we will ever use this set. The last time we will ever speak these words.

Part of me is feeling…it happened way too fast.

Part of me is feeling…I’m ready.

And I think that’s how it should be. I shouldn’t be entirely ready to give it up…but I should at least be at peace.

Mostly…it seems surreal. Surreal that this day has actually come. That this day could ever come. There were moments where I actually got to thinking that all of this would never end…could never end…and the Janus Players would be eternal it that dirty theatre that has our lives painted into it’s crevices.

The truth is…they will never leave. We can never be taken from that theatre. Our thoughts and words and hopes and fears will resonate through those four walls until they are torn down.

And one day we’ll all be dispersed…separated…and remembering the glory days.

So yes. Cry your eyes out…but at the same time…this is THE LAST moment. The last glory day. Ever. So fucking live it. Everything that it entails. Crying. Sobbing. Laughing. Screaming. Just fucking do it.

Yeah. I’m ready. I knew I would be. The journey was so worth it to bring me to this point. And now…fucking fly. And cherish every single god damned moment of this last day. It’s a blessing. And it will never ever be again.

This is what it’s all about. This is why I started. And this is where I end. My life has run it’s course.

And this is it. This is what the play is all about. Rome. The very top of civilization. We have reached it. We have created heaven. And now…now we destruct it. This play is about the one act of redemption and freedom and truth that inevitably lead to the destruction of the greatest empire in history. And as terribly sad it is to destruct Rome…I have to be ready…and I have to realize that that is beautiful. That is beautiful to have the power to do that. The act of killing Caesar is truly the noble and right thing to do…and though it may lead to the end….”it must be by his death.” I have come full circle. I have lived the best year of my life. I have had more memories and love with these people, with these moments…then I’ve had in my entire lifetime. This is it. And now finally…I must find the strength to kill Caesar and destruct our Rome. It’s the truth. The final final final wall to break down. This year has changed me in more ways than I could ever know.

Remember everything. Remember the beauty of Into the Woods. Remember the Jets of West Side Story. Remember the magic of Midsummer. Remember the tragedy of Anne Frank. Remember the power of Godspell. Remember the hilarity of Lysistrata. Remember the insanity of Curious Savage. Remember the passion of Once Upon A Mattress. And now. Remember the glory of Julius Caesar.

Remember all these moments we’ve had together. Onstage and off. And do it for them. Do it for this moment and this moment alone.

One blaze of glory.

And truly…we are forever.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

This is it. There are no words left. I’m finally, finally ready. To tear down our Rome. I have to think about my last show ever with these people. The last time I will be with Bobby like this. The last time I will ever give life to Cinna. The last time I will ever ever do this. The end of an era.

The end of an era.

This really is it. This is what I’ve been preparing for all year. And for 3 years. 10 shows. This is it.

Cherish this day forever. Remember it forever. Live it to the fullest. It’s the last you will ever ever have.

Alright. This is it. Let’s fucking do this. It’s not over yet. It’s not over yet. One more day. One more day. Glory.

And let go. Destruct our Rome. And fucking cherish it. Don’t blink for a second.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

I’m ready.

Now.

Forever.

Holy shit.

Tomorrow is the last show.

What the fuck.

I really don’t know if I’m ready.

So unbelievably fucking unfair what happened tonight. I mean seriously…what the fuck.

My finger is on fire. My thumb is bent and broken. I can feel my entire body sweat and fire and pulse.

I fucking lived it. Yes. Yes I did. I blew through like a tornado. I lived it.

I never want to forget this. I never want to give this up. I never want to close my eyes. I just want to stay there onstage…forever. This night is eternal.

Forever and forever.

There are absolutely no words. Other than thank you.

I have been changed for good.

Fuck yeah. Here’s to one fucking more moment.

Breathe.

I realize now…we fucking did it. We made art. We fucking nailed it. Beyond my wildest dreams. Coolest fucking show I’ve ever been a part of. And what a way to go out. We’re going out with a bang and a stab.

I put my entire heart and soul onto that stage and into that world…and it was the most rewarding experience ever. One of the best shows of my life. Seriously. Such an incredible feeling. I put everything out to the point where I had nothing left. And that is perfect. That is bliss. And that is what I live for. So thank you.

Here’s to one more. The fucking crux of my life. Let’s do it.

Forever.

All I can say is. Fuck yes.

I cried. I laughed. I screamed. I sweat through my entire body. And I gave it ever last shred of heart, passion and soul I have in me. I fucking lived it. And that’s all I could have ever hoped for.

Thank you thank you thank you.

The last of the glory days.

My last opening night.

It was fucking miraculous.

Perfection.

I will never, as long as I live…forget this day. Forget these days. Days where you scream for joy out of every pore of your body. Where you stand together united forever and for always. Where nothing else in the entire world matters but the stage and the world you have created for yourself. Where you don’t think you could ever stop crying because your love is too great. Where the sweat and heat and energy of a show resonate through every inch of you. Where you scream to the heavens above because you begin to think the stars can hear you. Where you can do nothing but wipe away your tears, and fucking walk on stage surrounded by the most inspiring people and give your whole heart. Where you feel your heart pumping blood through your body. Where you see a dream realized. Where you see art created..with your own two hands. Where you can attempt to give to an audience what the theatre has given to you. Where you are divinely and completely happy. Where you are entirely eternal. Forever. Yes. I will never forget that feeling. This feeling. This moment. This day. These days I have been given.

Thank you.

We made art. Beautiful art.

One of the best days of my entire life. I will never ever forget this glorious, triumphant day. Fuck yeah.

Thank you to the heavens and to the stage.

There’s nothing more I can ask for.

I am complete. I am whole. I am healed.

I have flown. Blackbird flew.

Everything conspired to bring me to this moment…and now…I am rendered complete.

It came. And it changed me. And I will never be the same. But I will always be thankful for the moments that gave me life.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive.

Perfect.

These are the days I live for. This is why I did this. This is why I do this. This is why and how I know and love these people. Every single part of it has been a blessing. And this is a beautiful, perfect ending.

Thank you. For the best day of my life. When will ever be such another? Never. Never.

Everything is happening exactly as it should.

Heaven is here.

I’m living the life I was born to live.

I’ve been preparing for this day…this moment…for so so so long…and it has come…and it was mother fucking beautiful. And I am so thankful. For everything and everyone that helped to create this moment. Fuck yeah.

No other words. These are my glory days.

Complete and total beauty. This is what my entire journey has been for. To bring me to this moment. In a matter of days…it will be gone. But I’m here now. And that is eternal. And that is beautiful. And that gives me life. Thank you all for bringing me to life.

Truly. Thank you. Forever and for always.

Fuck yeah.

Breathe.

I will remember this day forever and ever.

Forever.

If this was it…if this was the last day I ever ever and with these people and with theatre…I would be satisfied…I would need nothing more. If this was the last day of my entire life…I would die happy.

No day but today. I fucking did it. We did it. We are eternal. And me…I’m fucking flying.

No words. I feel more complete now than I ever have in my entire life. I’ve come full circle. And this is glory. Forever and forever.

My last opening night. And it was the best. Miraculous.

My gratitude cannot be measured.

Thank you forever.

Fuck yeah.

Forever.

Breathe.

Yes.

Wow. I literally have no words. I have no idea what to say. Or think. Or feel. I’m numb.

My entire year has conspired to bring me to this moment. For years I have dreaded this moment. And now it is upon me…I have no idea what to say.

I don’t feel like I’m ready…but I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.

Everything around me is so incredibly surreal.

Tonight was my last rehearsal. Ever. With the Janus Players as we know it. Tomorrow is my last opening night with them. Ever. It seems unfathomable to me right now, it really does.

Cherish every single breath of the next 24 hours. They’re the last I will ever get.

Wow. What a day. What a day.

Here goes. No turning back now. No regrets.

Now. Forever.

Fuck yeah.

The other day I was thinking about Bobby and how upset I am that it didn’t work out…that my supposed love of Junior year that was supposed to save me never happened. Then it hit me…this year…my love of Junior year wasn’t him at all…it was them. And the theatre as a whole. My love, my obsession…my heart…was centered around these people and this theatre. Really and truly. And it did work out. More than I could ever have thought. And honestly…they did save me. In ways I could never have imagined or thought. They gave me so much. They taught me so much. I love them so much. And they give me so much love. It’s really all I need. They healed my heart. And for that…I am eternally grateful. Thank you.

I have so so so much to say. To write. To feel. And here I stand…in the most divine day of my life. Everything behind me…and everything in front of me in the exact same moment.

All I can say is…One day I’ll kill to just have one last day…and here…I have it. Before me. Fucking seize it and don’t let it go. This is art. This is what I came to do. This is why I know these people. This is it. This is it. This is it. Bring. It. On.

I’m ready. Let go.

And fuck yeah.

Tomorrow is the first and last day of my life. Here I stand. Ready.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

Now.

I don’t know what to say really. I woke up this morning and I don’t even know what to say. This is it. This is what the past 3 years of my life have been preparing me for. We’ve been through so much together. We have an unbreakable bond. Today will be one of the most difficult days of my entire life..but at the same time…one of the very very best. I know I will never forget it as long as I live.

I can’t believe it’s here. I can’t.

What can you do? Really.

I have lived and loved every last moment. Every moment of the last week…of the last 2 months…of the last year…of the last 3 years…and now this is my very very last moment. I’m much more at peace than I would have thought. I think I’ve finally come full circle and I’m ready for this moment. Everything behind me is in the past. This is the LAST moment together as Janus Players. Commit to it. Pour your whole heart out. Don’t blink. And no regrets. That’s really all I can do. Just fucking live this day as my last.

Here goes. My very very last opening night. Tragic. But true. This is it. This is where life has taken me.

In just 3 days it will ALL be over…and I’ll be praying to go back to this moment. This is it. This is the crux. No regrets now. Just life. Breath. Memories. Hope. And truth.

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.

This is a blessing. This is a gift. If you’re not ready now, you’re never going to be. So commit to it. And don’t give in. 

I’m ready.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

Breathe.

I can’t believe this is all actually happening.

Last thursday was so amazing. Such an amazing night. When Bobby walked on stage in the middle of his speech…I really don’t think I’ve ever been more happy. It was such an amazing feeling. Then things just became a whirlwind. And I definately made the right choice. It was an amazing evening. Jumping into Katie’s car with everyone I love and blasting music, racing down the highway, sun glaring in my eyes and wind on my face…no idea where we were going or why. We went to oxygen…and it was such a good experience. I’m really really glad I got to experience it once. We all just hung around playing games for an hour…Bobby was there…and it was adorable and nice. It was me, kiala, steph, bobby, katie, goody, and elisa…then there was the church part…which was so so so incredibly interesting. Surreal…and bizarre…and fascinating. Just to be like in church singing to God standing next to Bobby…it was not a moment I had ever predicted to witness. And Bobby and I were like the only….doubters…and we were both in the same sort of skeptical boat but trying to be open minded…it was very interesting. the singing part was the most surreal thing ever…so incredibly bizarre. and katie was full on hands to the sky singing her heart out to jesus…which I really found fascinating to watch. then the sermon was also very interesting. i found myself wanting to like it…trying to like it…and often times liking even liking it and wanting to give in to what they were saying…and then finding it incredibly still inconsistent and frustrating. As much as I was so feeling something divine and heavenly in that church and i so wanted to believe…somethings he would say…while they seem like they’re good…really frustrated me. Like just preaching against people who try to find their “own truth” and condemning those who don’t accept the “real truth” and…I just don’t understand what deems Christianity as “THE truth” above all others. Truly there are those who believe in things very similar to you in other religion and maybe even not even in religion…and just because they don’t follow your rules…they are wrong? How can you possibly say that that is THE truth? What proof is there? If there was such proof…I’m sure there would not be any problems. But you cannot “humbly” say THIS is truth and anything else is wrong because I am divine and you are not. That just doesn’t work. I can have my own truth. Yes. I can.

But really…if there was anyone who could ever convert me…it would be Katie Baker. Seriously. She is an incredible person. And so truly and justly and genuinely devoted to her belief…it actually does inspire me. And I feel like she believes in what she believes for exactly the right reasons…and it’s moving. She is a true Christian. And that alone shows me the power of Christianity. And all throughout this service I kept wanting some sort of light to come to me…I wanted to suddenly believe in Jesus…but nothing came…except for a brief, beautiful moment…where I looked across the room and there was Katie…in the middle of the floor as she had been all night singing her heart to Jesus…and I swear I could practically see her soul connected with God…or Jesus…or whatever it was she was connecting with…because she was SO so so incredibly attached to that moment…I thought…just looking at her…there’s no way that this can all be fake…there’s no way she can just be feeling this much over nothing…just creating it with her mind and singing to the air. There had to be something there. I don’t know what it was…but there had to be. That was my revelation. And if it took all night to reach…then so be it. I’m glad I had that experience.

Yeah. I’ll probably never have the time to capture these moments. Fragile, beautiful moments. But really…even if I had the time…there’s really no way to possibly ever put it into words. Ever. It’s just too incredibly beautiful.

The greatest times of my life. The greatest year of my life. And this is the last week. 2 more rehearsals with these people…ever. 3 shows. 5 days. The numbers defeat me.

And what I realized today…through a series of events…is I just have to accept it. And not just accept it…but realize it for its own true beauty and let go. Honestly and truly…for the first time…truly let go. And be willing to say goodbye. Not let time come screeching to a halt and then be left alone. I have to be willing to let go. And that’s difficult. But these moments are beautiful because they can never last. Live it to your last. Breathe in every speck of life and existence from this moment in time. And then…without regret…without looking back…swiftly and bravely…Let Go. Yes.

It’s alright.

Life is beautiful because of restraints. Tragically beautiful.

And this. This is it. Absolutely it.

What can I do? All I can do is live it. Love it. Embrace it. Breathe it in. And finally…let it go.

Good night my love.

“The end of an era.”

Heartbreakingly beautiful.

And things between me and bobby were incredibly amazing today. Seriously. Amazing. Forever.

They are my family. And no. It’s not over. I have 2 days. Which is better than none. That’s all I can think.

Let go and fucking fly.

This is it.

Breathe.

Live.

Now.

I so so so wish I had the time to write about everything. Or anything.

I wish alot of things. But that’s one thing I do wish.

No but really. Time is flying by far far too fast. I spent the entire weekend Caesaring. And that is perfect.

I feel good. I feel frustrated. I feel sad.

But the truth is…I’ve got one fucking week left. 3 days. And no time for regrets.

So fucking breathe.

Yes.

Thank you.

I think I finally understand the truth. Vaguely. And upsettingly. And not entirely wholly…but true. And it cuts like a knife more than any other truth I’ve ever known.

Yes. We like each other. Maybe we even love each other.

Just not enough. Just not enough.

Yes. Maybe we could have been together. Had we known then what we know now. Had we said the words we never could. But not now. Not now.

We have something. We do and neither of us can deny that no matter how hard we try. Something real and true and raw and something unable to grasp. Unable to put into words. And most likely unable to last.

If we cared enough…we would do something about it. If we loved enough…we would be able to say. If we wanted it badly enough…it would be. And as much as we care…and as much as we love…and as much as we want…it can never be.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Another heart break. Another waste of time. Is this all my life amounts to? Is this all I’m ever worth…forever? Just another heartache over and over again. Who out there can break my spell?

Yeah. I mean honestly…I don’t even think I even love him enough. The relationship is somewhat balanced. Always has been. Which is a first for me…but the fact is…we’re both at points in our life…for very different reasons…where we’re not open to have an honest relationship…and I think we may both really care about each other and be attracted to each other…and even have an unspeakable spark…but it’s just not love. For whatever reason. And that’s just a fact I have to face. And that’s okay.

Fucking sucks though sometimes.

God it fucking sucks in my gut. What have I done wrong? What is wrong with me that I cannot be loved? I thought…I wished…I don’t understand. What am I doing wrong.

After living in lies for so much of my life…it actually fucking sucks to finally see the truth.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck he actually is an asshole. Fuck my heart. Fuck you.

I don’t need you. Fuck you.

It’s fucking easier to just abandon me, won’t you.

Fuck fuck fuck I hate this Fuck you why did I waste my time you treat me lke a fucking child fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Abandonment.

But at least I’m still there. May 5th. A week from now we’ll be closed. Janus Players no more. A week ago I was watching the very last Crimes show ever. My life has been absolutely and incredibly amazing. We’re all fighting eternity. Acting as if we could just lie in the grass together forever and nothing would matter.

The night we fought eternity was incredible incredible. Watching the last Crimes show was so incredibly difficult but so rewarding. I was bawling at the end. Literally…bawling. That last moment where they’re all eating cake and the lights fade just bring me to tears.

Then. We stayed in the theatre. All night. It was like a dream. Like a beautiful message to the heavens. You cannot stop us. We are eternal. We danced to old showtunes…sang our hearts out…then all sat together and watched Godspell…projected on the stage where it actually took place a year and a half ago…all laughing together and reminiscing how beautiful it was. Then I drove to Wawa with Logan and mia and savvy at 3 in the morning…no lie…best Wa run of my entire life. Ah it just feels so good to be doing something so crazy. And beautiful. I can’t believe we actually stayed in the theatre…it was an incredible night…where it seemed like nothing could touch us. No one could ever harm us and we would stay 18 and theatre kids and best friends forever and ever. And the sun would never rise and we could just lie there forever. Then we played our first game of ass…and it was so amazing. Just laughter and laughter for hours and hours…listening to music and laughing and being giddy at 4 in the morning. No regrets. Just laughter and love. It seriously seemed like we played ass for hours. And like no one could ever stop us. And how insane…to have a sleepover at Hun. With my favorite people in the world. Just every single thing about it was so incredible. I will never forget. As long as I live I could never forget that night. Then finally we got completely exhausted from ass and layed down. So there we were. All of us. Curled up together in blankets and lying on the stage…where you could feel the past resonating through your bones. And nothing mattered. I sat there awake for a long long time. Just taking it all in. It was amazing I’ll have to write about it some other time.

There really really is no way to put it into words…lying there…with a eerie glow about the theatre…closing my eyes and when I opened them I was lying curled up on stage with my favorite people and when I lifted my head…there was the house reflected faintly back into my eyes. There are no words to capture that feeling. It was beyond perfect. It was how life should be. And it was SO beautiful because it could only ever happen once. I sat and thought and tried to hold onto the moment for as long as I could. Breathing dusty theatre air into my lungs. Looking up into the stage lights. Thinking back on the whole year. Thinking of the scary future ahead. And in that moment…everything in the world was perfect. Everything was okay. Everything was beautiful. I was eternal. We were eternal. Nothing could touch us. And I would have spent the rest of my life there if I could have. I really didn’t need anything else. If that was the end…I would have been okay with it. I was afraid to close my eyes…to let the moment go. But truly and honestly…there are NO words to put to it…it could never in my life be described. I will always always remember that night. For the rest of my life. Always hold on to that feeling. The feeling of eternity and complete and utter peace. Serenity. And that is it. That’s what I’ve been waiting for. That’s my life in flight. Pure perfection. And I have nothing but utter and complete gratitude for everything and person that went into creating that moment. No words. No words. Just breath. And perfect memories. And above all…eternity. Eternity. I will be there…lying on that dirty stage…sixteen years old with a month left with these people and a year’s worth of bliss…surrounded by love…just finished with Hun’s first ever student run production…4 in the morning and entirely untouchable…entirely at peace…forever. Forever and for always. I will always remember and I will always be there. Carved into the theatre. That’s eternity. And that’s what I live for. Eternity.

Thank you.

And then I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep on the Hun school theatre. Surrounded by angels and lifted up by eternity. And I had the best sleep of my entire life. Forever. Eternity. Breath. Thank you. Goodnight.

hahahaah! I’m in savvy’s profile. Sorry. Random enjoyment.