I am never ever going to find the time to write about all of this. Ever.

Real quick. french nothing. schenk was nice to me. physics pop quiz. ew. free i dont really remember. studied for english. then monday morning assembly. then ran up to lunch. then video sat outside with natalie and mike and worked on movie. english test. math did nothing. scene worked on scenes. it was just me and bobby and he was actually really adorable and like nervous. and then last period i wandered around. then rehearsal. was just absolutely amazing. i dont know. i just really really soaked it up. my last fuck around rehearsal. maybe ever. bobby’s elbow like broke and he went to the doctor. so…he didnt ask me…but…yeah. rehearsal was fabulous. this is all i have. then went up to dinner with themness. then talked to elisa on the phone in the lovely sunshine for a while. i so wish i had went with elisa and lucy today…but…honestly…rehearsal was worth it. i know that’s retarded…but it was. then i took a nice long walk around campus. thought about things. and then i went to the theatre. my sanctuary. and sat at bogie’s desk and thought for a long while. and then started to write my bio…and just broke down. it was so incredibly sad. writing my last bio with these kids. and i wrote all this stuff in it about how they had changed my life and such…and just thinking about it all. it’s just too much for me. i just cried and cried and cried. and solomon came in to paint and actually for a while he didnt even notice i was crying. and he was painting and had his headphones on and sang all of those you’ve known to me without even really being aware of it. and i just listened to him sing that i cried and cried. i used up nearly a whole box of tissues. then finally solomon noticed i was crying and of course that just makes you cry more. it was terribly terribly sad. i didn’t get home until 8:30 or so and when i did i just couldn’t stop crying for hours. i would just burst into tears at any given moment. it was sad. and painful. but that’s life. this is oging to be so so so fucking hard. but what can you do? and yeah. that was my beautiful day. April 30.

I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over…but really…what can I do? Just live. Live it. Stop thinking. Let go. And live your last moments with every breath in your body. Breathe in beauty.

Eternally grateful. Words will never be able to encompass my love, gratitude, and amazement. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. It was magic. Beauty.

I don’t know what to say really. The last day of April. I actually lived it to the fullest. And there’s no way to look back now. April was a beautiful month. A fucking incredible, beautiful month. Filled with so many beautiful moments with those kids…laughing, sleeping, performing, rehearsing, embracing…just living together.

It started at Logan’s house. Then sleeping over Katie’s. Then there was Whitt’s birthday at Hooters. Easter. An incredible flood. Getting a cup of sugar from strangers. Cabaret night. Turf party. Founder’s fest. Talent show. Logan’s house. Night with Bobby. Melissa’s sweet 16. A day in NYC. Painting the theatre to all hours of the night. Crimes of the Heart. Sleeping over Lucy’s. Communiversity. Sleeping in the theatre. Auditioning for Spring Awakening. What a month. With Caesar rehearsals, Crimes rehearsals and wonderful Hun dinners sprinkled all about.

And that was it. That was my April 2007. And yes. It was even more amazing then I could have ever imagined. Really. All I could ask for and more. A dream realized. And so so so worth it. I have no regrets. Only fond beautiful memories.

And a month.

And now begins the beginning of the end. Embrace it. It’s all you have. Here. Now. Breathe.

A month now. What am I going to do? I’m going to bask in sweet spring sunshine. I’m going to check in in advanced scene everyday. I’m going to live and love every single blessed day and minute and moment that I get to share and experience. This is it. This is my junior year. This is May.

May. Already.

Goodbye to April. The most incredible month of my life thus far. Thank you. Thank you is all I can say right now.

Here’s to May 1st. A month from Graduation. What do I do? I live. The universe only spins forward.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

Best year of my entire life. Blackbird flew.

Fly.

Maybe I’ll get all my tears out now before it happens. That would be nice.

Actually no…crying feels good. I feel like I’m getting it out.

But God. It’s so fucking sad I can’t even handle it.

I honestly cannot put into words how I feel.

I can handle most anything life throws at me. But this shit. This shit is the stuff that breaks me. This is the stuff that makes me cry. I honestly can’t handle it. It’s consuming me and ruining me and terrorizing me and teaching me so much. I know I’m going to make it through this alive…but right now…it really fucking sucks. The crying has started and won’t end for a long, long time. Probably not until the middle of June. Great. At least I’m alive.

At least I’m alive.

And it’s not over yet. It’s not over yet.

Breathe.

HAHAHHHh!!H!hh!!!

IT HAPPENED!

Hands down. Best weekend of my entire life.

Crimes show. Bonding talk on set. Sleeping over Lucy’s. Piercing Elisa’s ears. Communiversity with my favorite people alive. Last fucking Crimes show. Striking set. Sleeping in the theatre. Wa run at 4 in the morning. Did I mention…sleeping on stage. Together. Getting all of 25 minutes of sleep. Getting picked up by Elisa at 5:30 in the morning. Going to NYC at 6 in the morning. Spring Awakening open call with Elisa and Royce. Being a hobo for hours. Fucking auditioning for Spring Awakening. Tech call.

That was my weekend. No words no words no words.

Goodbye Crimes. Hello Beauty. That’s it.

It’s never truly over. But the tears still come. Let it be.

Fucking amazing. Fucking fire in my heart.

I will never in my life forget.

Everything is alright.

This is it.

Heaven.

Now I’m crying and I don’t even know why. Just overwhelmed. Too good of a weekend. It can never be that good again. I can’t believe it was Katie Baker’s last show. I just can’t. Maybe that’s why I’m crying. This can’t really be over. It just can’t. Oh god. This is so fucking difficult. Oh god. Just let me stay with them forever please. Oh god. The tears are finally beginning. They won’t end for a few months. Oh god.

Thank you.

I’m not kidding. Most incredible 3 days of my life. A glorious glorious weekend followed by an even more glorious weekend. Really entirely unbelievable.

There really are no words left. Other than being divinely and wholly happy.

I don’t want this weekend to end. I never want it to end.

This is the time of my life. And I am living wtih my whole heart. That’s all I can ask for. Best weekend of my life. All I can say is thank you.

I was eternal there.

Breathe. And keeping living. It’s not over yet.

Fuck yeah.

Nothing will ever be the same or as good as it is right now. And that. That is what makes it so beautiful.

Last fucking day of April tomorrow. Put your heart into it. No regrets.

Heaven is here.

Live.


Let the fire surround us
Let it all cave in
Let it all burn wild
We are leaving it all behind
We are leaving it all behind

Heaven is here
Heaven is here
Heaven is here

We are tangled and brave
We are naked and saved
And heavens not waiting
Its spilling its secrets
Its right here between us
And we've no other choice but believe
We've no other choice but believe
We've no other choice but believe
So let it last all night
So let it last all night
So let it last all night

Naked and
Tangled and
Twisted
And tonight we are the only ones who feel it

Heaven is here
Heaven is here

I haven’t felt this good…ever.

Here comes the sun.

Here is my life. I’m fucking living it. This is it. Grasp it. Hold it forever.

All I can do is just live. Not look to the future or past. Just today. Just a day in the sun with some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. Just today. All I have is today.

No day but today.

Now smile and fucking live.

Fuck yes. No regrets. Live with all of your heart.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

My life is on fucking fire.

And I feel like crying.

Don’t let me drown. I just need two arms to hold me. I just need.

I feel like I’m groping fire.

Fuck is an incredible word.

Fuck.

I don’t even know what to say really. My life is incredible. Crimes was absolutely amazing.

And it will never ever again be like this. Ever again. It’s fucking insane.

This was just incredible. That they did this. That we did this.

What else can I do? But just live.

Here’s to a beautiful day.

And tomorrow.

Oh sigh. This weekend really was absolutely incredible. Let’s just think.

A glorious glorious rehearsal on the mall. fooling around. absolutely breathtaking cabaret night. all of these amazing people singing their hearts out with the absolutely unbelievable talents they have. lucy and elisa being hilarious with what is this feeling. elisa making me literally cry with on my own. royce and jen being hilarious. jen and kiala being freaking kick ass. then bogie singing why and seriously…my lips were quaking. i was about to completely break down it was so amazing. then jen finishing it all off with over the rainbow and for some unfathomable reason…singing TO me and me literally crying and being a big old mess. it was so intense and so moving and i felt so many things all at once. it was absolutely amazing.

crimes rehearsal in the morning was lovely. painted and painted. it was just heaven. all of us. just us. just painting our theatre. together. singing to beautiful music. it was just a lovely morning. then walked up to founder’s fest. and that was beautiful. really. beautiful. founder’s fest is just so lovely. spent time with everyone i think. all of my favorite people in my universe. laughed. ate cotton candy. basked in the lovely family that is the hun school. jumped on a moon bounce. enjoyed the sun. got an om tattoo. sprayed bobby with water. watched lucy get dunked. went on a sweet walk around campus withthe theatre kids. breathed in sweet spring air. lovely way to spend an afternoon. then we all bunched into the talent show. which is just a…memorable event. sort of a turning point. the very last moment before the end of the year commences. gradually tears times apart. and sort of signifies the coming of the end without failing to keep you in the moment. and it was just so amazing. sitting in a row with the theatre kids on one side of me and tree axe on the other. and joe and whitt hosting. sort of a perfect ending to this year. perfect. got to see will christiansen play his harmonica one more time. kiala sing one more time. she brought the fucking house down. see jenn and kiala sing one more time. and see thosecrazy crazy breakdancers do their thing. bobby and conor and goody and solomon. oh so good to be able to watchthat. healing and hilarious and beautiful. i didnt want it to be over. and kiala won. fuck yeah. and THEN joe and whitt did amazing interpretive dance around the stage and i was literally DYING. and then he asked to savvy to prom and i was dead. and then…somehow…magic just…happened. i dont know. suddenly i was being stuffed into lucy’s car. i was actually terrified. but it was so so worth it. so worth it.

i thought about that night for nearly every minute of the next week. and i still don’t even know what i think. i really don’t. there really are no words. and i could never write it down here. just. no words. just memories.


I can’t believe Crimes is tomorrow.

Oh God. What a day what a day what a day.

Really too much to even say. My mom freaking out. Not getting to school until 3rd period. stuffed into Cip’s room for lock down. assembly. hun tv. video putting the theatre door back on. idris telling me i had cute feet. english. pretty much not going to math because i was getting in trouble for like 50 different things. FREAKING out 7th period with conor choi. hilarious. then scene the absolute most AWKWARD thing of my entire life. doing the pre-sex scene with bobby. absolutely about to die. hilarious but horrible.

then rehearsal. on the mall. nice. lots of touching with bobby. awkwardness. missed a cue and got cut. overall good rehearsal. then dinner with elisa and royce. then theatre-ing. bobby not understanding spring awakening. then painting the crimes set with elisa and royce seriously until 10:30 at night. insane. but blissful.

then we had a lovely little moment when we were all completely done painting and exhausted and pleased. we used all of the props from the set…and made tea and drank it in prop glasses around the set table and lit candles and sat on our finished set and drank our iced tea and ate prop pretzels and reveled in our lovely set. and the peace we felt before the storm that will be the rest of this week. lovely little moments that make my life worth living.

well. my life is insane. i love it. i grasp it. i’m living. i’m loving. i’m fucking alive.

Wellllll…today was interesting. Pretty awkward. Bobby didn’t come to school. And that was probably good because it was probably FAR to awkward for me to even try to handle.

He’s never going to be able to give me what I need. What I want. But I can take from him what I can. And that’s all I can do. And that’s okay.

Sunbathed rehearsals on the mall are amazing.

I love Crimes. I love Caesar. I love Spring. I love hun. I love my theatre kids.

so today. french. physics. free blahed. election speeches nice. video. english talking. completely skipped math totally and no one even noticed. it was amazing. scene talked. i said something i shouldnt have any bogie got really upset. oh well. then Grass talk with erica. pleasing. i was just sooooo exhausted all day though. and had shit in my system. and was feeling sick. and bobby wasn’;t there. so it was sort of a blah day. but it was gorgeous out.

then rehearsal was nice i guess. it’s actually pretty cool. then ate dinner with the theatre kiddies. love. then went down to the theatre with baker and royce and elisa and stuff and stuff and we painted more of the set for crimes. it feels cool to be putting the show together by ourselves. i think it’s the perfect finish to their high school career as actors. it’s enjoyable. and it’s going to be so much fun to watch. and it was nice to just chill in the theatre until 8 painting. pops was there too and apparently he used to be a thesbian! and is doing the lights for crimes. and like…he really knew what he was doing. i had NO idea. campbell should tell me these things. but so yeah. it was a nice evening. and then elisa and i went to the bathroom to clean off the brushes and had a nice little girl talk about saturday night. hah. i didnt tell her…but it was still a nice little chat. i hope we end up going to OSP tomorrow. so yeah. nice day. then came home and watched JGroff on one life to live and it was HILARIOUS. mmm. now i’m completely wiped out. so night.

This is it. This is my life. This is halfway through Caesar. This is halfway through spring. This is the week of Crimes. This is my life burning before me. And I’m fucking living it. And I’m fucking loving it.

Fuck yeah.

Bring it on.

Yes.

When you can truly say “This is heaven.” That’s living your life to the fullest. I’ve felt that so many times recently. And that is pure bliss. Heaven on earth. That is beauty.

Now go out and live the life you were born to live.

Oh. My. God.

Hands down most insane weekend of my life. Wow.

I can’t believe it’s over.

Amazing weekend. I will never ever forget. It’s eternal.

Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

Here’s to the nights we fucking felt alive.

Here’s to a blazing weekend of beauty. More than anything else.

Here’s to the most precious time of your life. Gripping it by the horns and chasing magic.

Fucking what else is there but this. This life. Raw and open and sore and sunstreaked and mine for the taking.

This is my spring. This is it. This is the best year of my life. This is magic. This is youth. This is love. And this is real.

Fuck yeah.

It’s a blessing.

I never ever want to forget this feeling. Want to forget this pure bliss right here and now. Forever.

Every blessed moment and memory scorched into my mind, my heart, my soul. This is living free and living beauty and living without limits and this is my life. This is it. Here. And I’m taking it. And I’m flying. Free.

Thank you.

Breathe.

Live.

What an amazing night. I mean absolutely breathtakingly amazing night.

Here’s to the nights we felt alive.

Breathe in deeply.

We were eternal…in that moment.

Just to have that memory…that’s all I need.

Tonight was a blessing. Let life come to you. Create more memories. Live it to the last.

No. No other thoughts of fantasy. What happened happened…just as it should be. It was incredibly beautiful.

There’s no where I’d rather have been tonight than under the stars with the most incredible people alive.

What a day. What a life. What an amazing group of people.

Never forget. Just keep on living.

These are the nights I live for.

Breathe in this life.

Fuck yeah.