What a weird ass day. Ugh. Not good really.

Um. So slept through 1st. scene we did improv and i really didnt feel like doing it and i had to study for french so i sat there and watched as whitt was COMPLETELY hilarious. then i took a french test. then activities period i dont remember. i think bobby was there. video mike and i ran around filming shit and it was very enjoyable. english we talked. math i dont remember. thursdays are soo long. then french sucked. then physics was blah quiz. then after school we were chillaxin and bobby and i got fighting playing and i whacked him really hard with a stick. oops. then i went to go work on poetry and got sucked in and completely forgot about what time it was and was like 20 minutes late for rehearsal which was actually really sad.

Boy oh boy it doesn’t stop at all does it. Well today was just as intense as all the others.

I really don’t think I have the time to write right now and I don’t know when I ever will. So let me just write the basics.

scene first. we did like what are you doing and stuff like that. i miss that shit. and i’m really glad whitt is in the class now. he’s so hilarious. then free i maniaced. then french. then activities i ran around with conor choi working on his songs and then ran up to lunch. video i dont remember. english was so weird. we talked about my dancing and then grotesques. and i was like wtf a bit. then math um i dont remember. then double physics…hahaha it SO fucking hialrious. seriously im starting to look forward to double physics it’s hilarious. it’s like me and cchoi and elisa and carla laughing hysterically for an hour and a half straight. i dont even remember what we were laughing about now but it was hilarious. i made some comment about taking all my clothes off when i go to the bathroom. HAH.

thennnn was rehearsal. VERY interesting. we were up on the mall playing more julius caesar dodgeball…hahah it’s so fucking hilarious. all of us theatre kids running around throwing balls at each other. it’s basically bobby kicking ass and me running around dodging flying balls and calling Elisa DOUCHE-OUS. it was just such a great afternoon though. in the beautiful sunlight playing dodgeball as a “character building” exercise with the cast of julius caesar on the mall. just classic. and then we did this thing where bobby and joe both said their big speechs at the same time and we were supposed to gravitate towards who was more compelling and like ahhaha no one was at bobby and everyone was at joe. it was sad. and then we had like 5 people going at once. we’re doing really interesting shit. i enjoy it. then we did this thing where we like pretended we were actually on the battlefield and bobby was leading his army and joe was leading his and me and kiala were in the middle as the battle of the dead and our job was to roll around in the mud and like get into being these creepy ghosts and like sucking people’s souls out and shit it was SO much fun. i just basically rolled around in the mud for 20 minutes straight and just like SOAKED my pants in dirt. it’s all in the name of theatre. good ass day. never had rehearsal on the mall before. sort of kick ass.

then we came back to the tehatre and did god knows what for a long long time. just bullshitting around and the boys banging on their guitars and conor writing new songs and just being particularly artistically awesome. and then hahahah like out of nowhere sam and i got like sketchily horny and were being like SO weird saying how we wanted to have sex with everyone in the room and basically it was just like me and sam and solomon and bobby and cchoi and chris miller and all the boys were like uhhhhhhh. so then i realized sam didnt really know what was going on with me and bobby so i dragged her to the couch and we had a nice little talk about all that junk. hah. classic. bobby onstage 20 feet away and sam and i sitting there talking about him being in my pants. i just really hope she doesn’t tell or something. then hahahah she started doing this really pleasing dance like…beucase she was so horny or something and it was like the funniest thing i had ever seen. cchoi was like what. the. fuck. and i showed him emlyn’s masturbation dance and i was basically going to die of laughter.

then sam left and slowly cchoi left and then after a while solomon and chris left too. soooo….just me and bobby left in the theatre. hmmm. interesting. he easily could have left but he said he wanted to stay with me. we talked for the first time in a while. talked about everything. about life. and mattress. and i tried cheering him up about not doing theatre earlier but it didnt work. he said some pretty bizarre stuff. hah he’s such a weird kid. and then he would be like okay i should go now. and then would continue talking to me. hah. and THEN he started making WEIRD ass faces out of nowhere that were SERIOUSLY freaking me out. omg. hahah i couldn’t even look at him it was so scary. and i started like beating with him a chair to get him to stop. ahahah. and then he dragged me out to his car and that’s when the real fun started. i dont know it was just like we were under the stars and for once he was like being…i dont know…like everytime i would try to leave because i felt like it was weird that we were at his car and he needed to go home he would make up some ridiculous excuse for me to stay. he sprayed his cologne all over me so now i smell of him and his cologne is called FIERCE. that’s so badass. and then he would say all these weird things…like he hugged me and then he was like…okay so do you wanna come home with me? and i was like ummm. no. i don’t know i dont remember everything now. HAHAH I remember we got on the subject of his picking people’s noses problem…and he was like yeah I’m gonna make a million dollars picking people’s noses…it’s going to be my life’s work…and I was like…hm. maybe instead of picking noses you could do something productive and better with your time…and he hahaha misunderstood what I was saying and took his finger and pointed it at my…crotchal region…hahahahaah and i was like “WITH YOUR LIFE! NOT WITH ME! With your life!” hahahaha it was so funny. i also remember him taking my face and caressing his face with it. he’s a weirdo. and then he was like…okay so you know you want me, don’t lie and i was like ummm no. and then he’s like okay seriously, do you find me attractive, passable even? and i was like no. not in the slightest. and he finally was like fine I’m going home then. i really need to learn how to control my heart. boy oh boy. i mean be able to let him in already. sigh.

don’t give up it’s not over yet. here’s to tomorrow.

and to hope. and to love.


wtf is wrong with my father. seriously. he just randomly ims me after not saying a word to me for months and months:

RickSuchenski: so why do u choose to be distant?
Spice Merkvits: what are you talking about
RickSuchenski: i try to stay connected to you…you refuse
Spice Merkvits: whatever
RickSuchenski: ok…your choice
Spice Merkvits: not really
RickSuchenski: what do u mean?
Spice Merkvits: you’re delusional
RickSuchenski: grow up.  If u want your father in your life, you have him, if you choose to be a “victim” and just want pity then that is sad, and that is your choice.
Spice Merkvits: you’re scary
RickSuchenski: So tell me like it is.
Spice Merkvits: are you drunk?
RickSuchenski: no. tell me.
Spice Merkvits: tell you what?
RickSuchenski: i do not feel sorry for you
RickSuchenski: grow up

To be honest, the people that I know who write are much different and more unique than those that don’t. Not everyone can express themselves in that sort of exhibitionist way, but those that can…there’s just such a deep connection to words that connects to the universe that connects us all. It’s so fascinating. I feel at this moment surrounded by insanely special people who let me see their souls in such intricate ways. It’s a blessing and it’s so powerful.

Today Conor wrote a song. Just fucking wrote a song. In about 10 minutes. While Bogie was talking to us all he just starting jotting down words…and suddenly it became a song…5 minutes later I was sitting down next to him…witnessing him formulate a chorus…watching Conor write is the coolest thing ever. He’s become SO honest and so open and so vulnerable with his writing…I don’t care if it’s not the most poetic thing in the world…it is BEAUTIFUL because it is so fucking real. So in 10 minutes Conor wrote this beautiful, haunting song and then called over Bobby and Kevin Clifford and just started strumming out melodies on their guitars with them to sort out chords and stuff. And I just say there in awe…watching them create a song in under 30 minutes. I mean watching creation. It’s SO beautiful. Art is the only thing that truly creates. And there they were just sitting there with a piece of paper and a guitar and suddenly there was a melody and a verse and chords and I was just stunned. Stunned by Conor’s beautiful lyrics, by Bobby’s chords and by Kevin’s melody. Creation right before my very eyes. This is the main chorus, becuase they sang it over and over so many times I pretty much remember it but I’m sure a bunch of the words are off:

Rock-A-Bye Seventeen-Year-Old, you just can’t sleep
Through the bed bugs bites and all your nasty dreams
You’re living a life where everything’s at stake
If you’re lucky, boy, tomorrow you won’t awake.

So they’re gonna try to flesh it out and put a band together with like Whitt and Bobby and Solomon and Kevin Clifford and have Conor sing vocals and sing it at the talent show. I’m so excited.

Absolutely crazy crazy nuts day today. Insane. Tomorrow I’ll have to write about it all. Plus monday. Ugh. Back to school. Sigh. Everything is flying by even faster than I imagined. Sigh. Take it for what it is.

And fucking create your future. Don’t let it create you.

Fuck yeah. This is it.

Pretty damn weird weekend. I mean seriously. Weird.

Friday- school was nice. watched sketchy drunk movie. after school little rehearsal then talked to conor for a while and bobby was a whore. then didnt go to jen’s play and that was really sad. instead went out with jeremy. we drove to carnegie lake and sat on a dock and looked at the lake under the stars for a long long time. it actually really…got really sketchy. i really…the flask…was not a good idea. i…really…i mean. just not good. but he did ask me to prom…which was pretty much one of the only good parts of the night. other than the fact that i got to look at the moon and a beautiful lake for like 3 hours straight…while hooking up with my best friend. not the best idea. but yeah hah it was funny. he was like “so this is a really romantic situation, you know, like really romantic…so i figure this is a good time to ask…if you’re not going out with Bobby by the time prom comes around…will you go with me?” hah. if i’m not going out with bobby. oh boy oh boy. jeremy is cute. then we came home and watched some AWESOME tv and then he left and i didn’t get up from the couch until 5 in the morning. seriously. i just sat there vertically but like half asleep for like 6 hours…i have no recollection…i think i was more far gone than I thought I was. oh boy.

Saturday- i um. had to work at the store. allll day. which was annoying but whatever. niall came into the store like freaking out to tell us that he got into Julliard…I was sooo happy for him. it actually was a really really weird feeling. just him. growing up with him only to have him finally grown up and going to college. it’s amazing how fast time flies. it was actually a really surreal moment. but nice. mmmm. then we went out to mexican food. then i realllly wanted to go see wizard of oz to see niall in it one last time but it was sold out. so i hung out with melissa….which was…..weird. random. sketchy. but pleasing? it was basically me and melissa and these two RANDOM sketchy pleasing hot men walking around town aimlessly trying to figure out what to do. it was so sketchy. i guess you just had to be there. it was so random and juvenile. but pleasing. i enjoyed meeting the guys too…they were really cool. one of them was a big dancer at PDT. which was interesting…anywya. then i came home and blubbed. sarah was gonna come over but didn’t. i stayed up till like 2 but i don’t remember what i was doing…

Sunday- i had to wake up early for house showings but then i slept outside and on the couch until like 1. mmm. then i went into town and got lunch…walked around. came home and then went on a lovely bikeride. got some awesome Hey Jude in my veins. then i had dumb rehearsal for a few hours. got to dance with Doug which was nice. then came home and like have stared at the wall for the past few hours. im sooo not being productive and i really need to.

This one is a Bobby song.

Where did you come from, where have you been?

I don’t know that much about you,

but I don’t think that I would like to anymore

The curtains rising just like the ante

Here we go now, break a leg

No, I literally mean it this time around

I’m sick of you leading me on

I’m sick of you stringing me along, on

I do hereby swear

a bounty on your heart

I hereby swear…

And this is a Conor song. It nearly makes me cry everytime I hear it.

He’s got a broken voice and a twisted smile,

Guess he’s been that way for quite awhile,

Got blood on his shoes and mud on his brim,

Did he do it to himself or was it done to him?

People think he don’t look well,

But all he needs from what I can tell,

Is someone to help wash away all the paint,

From his purple hands before it gets too late.

I saw him stand alone … under a broke street light,

So sincere … singing silent night,

But the trees were full … and the grass was green,

It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

So I was looking through old entries…and I wrote this the day I saw Spring Awakening for the very first time:

I’m pretty sure that just changed my life.”

Yes. Yes it did. It really did. More so than any other piece of theatre or art in my entire life.

And I saw something wrote about me and Tommy a long time ago and honestly…it was a little uncalled for. I’m fully aware that my heart is fucked up and uncontrollable. I really can’t help it. Don’t be mad at me for my own problems.

“I try to tighten my heart into a knot, a snarl. I try to live dead, just numb. But then I see someone I want and it’s like a nail, like a hot spike right through my chest and I know I’m losing.”

-Angels in America

I actually quoted that from memory. It describes me like crazy.

I have so many thoughts. Oh god.

This year has been bullshit. A vaccuous hole.

But I think I’m gathering a reign on my heart. I’m really not in love with him. Self preservation.

What is love. I’m beginning to be of the faith that one does not love people. One loves ideas and reflections of the self in others. Not the other itself. I won’t even deny that I loved Tommy for what he represented to me. Someone that loved me. But honestly, can you blame me? Is that such a vain thing to need? When every important man in my life had spurned me and abadoned me. How does one deal with the fact that their father does not love them? I mean honestly, you tell me…how do you deal with that? It did more internal damage that I think I even comprehend. I needed to be loved so badly. By anyone. Before I went insane. The need for love is a huge part of anyone’s life. And I don’t mean love from Jeremy or something…I mean romantic love. I had no idea how to come to terms with the fact that my father doesn’t love me. I was at such a vulnerable and desperate point in my life that I needed that. I needed that. I needed Tommy to tell me he loved me. Even if it wasn’t real. After dealing a year with abuse and hatred from Campbell and neglect from my father, was that such an unbelievable human desire? And I do honestly believe that alot of Tommy was very much real. Sure I was groping a little, but aren’t we all? Should I judge you for who you love and why? No. It’s a natural human need. Fuck you. I’m love impaired. I’ve been broken. More than any of you else have. I’ve dealt with more shit in the past 3 years than most people deal with in 20. And what suffered directly? My heart. My heart is a crippled vessel all on its own. And I’m trying so so hard to deal. So just give me a little credit, okay? No one can tell you what to do when your own father abadons you. Or how that will effect you for the rest of your life. With every single relationship you will ever have. Fucking great. So just leave me and my heart alone okay.

Does everyone in this world think I’m crazy?

It’s okay. Because I do too.

Don’t blame me. I was born this way.

Well, I was broken this way…

These are just random ass pictures for no reason.




I feel it in my lungs. Ohhh fuck yeah. This is life. This is the most excited I’ve ever been for spring in my entire life.

Bring. It. On.


anyway. today was long. too tired to write it out. first free. french blah. physics boring. then pleasing ass drum assembly. then video blub. then english ms. p FREAKED out becuase she’s RIDIC. math was mad boring. free period videoed. advanced scene we worked on our scenes and that was pretty enjoyable. then auditions. ahfejflkea. i was the last one to go. my audition was kinda disappointing. not great. not awful. whatev. bobby and i’s relationship PLUMMETED. it sucked. we didnt say a word to each other. weird as hell.

then i got chinese food. then blubbed around. then PARTIED in the street for the coming of spring. then jammed. now i should go to bed.

tomorrow begins the final show. exciting. sad. exciting.


This is really a crazy elitist athletic training program disguised as a prep school, isn’t it?

Today was very interesting…interesting. I literally went to sleep at 4:30 last night becuase I was chatting with SA fans…I know. I know. But I guess it was worth it. With my 2 hours of sleep I sort of felt rejuvenated for the whole day up until 6th period where it just WHAMMED down on me hard and I felt sick and hungry and exhausted and ready to seriously pass out. And I sooo wanted to just go home and didn’t give a shit about advanced scene and then I opened that door and walked in and immediately something in my heart just sort of clicked back into place. I layed down on that grimy couch and I seriously felt instantly better. To be with those people…to be in that theatre…to be on that couch. It was the most comfortable I’d been in the entire 2 weeks of spring break. I finally finally felt home. It’s scary how much of a part of me it is.

Mmm let’s see. So its the beginning of the end. Well that’s enjoyable at least. Let’s see. French was sooo icky. Actually alot of time it didnt even feel like spring break happened at all. It was weird. Physics was boring. Free period I worked on my paper. hun tv was silly. video was weird, hoban was like freaking out.

So on my way to video class I was wlaking with Natalie and just as I’m stepping into the sac I slip on some slipperyness and literally fall INTO the sac and like into a trashcan. I’m not even lying it was legitamately like a scene out of a movie…because then the ENTIRE sac of obnoxious senior boys just erupted into laughter…like HOWLING with laughter AT me…and I just sort of got up and laughed to myself and walked away…it was like SERIOUSLY out of a movie…and I was SO pleased by how much I genuinely did not care. I had not a shred of embarassment or caring in my body. And Natalie was looking at me like that must have been a traumatic experience for me and I seriously didn’t care. It felt good. I always wanted to be one of those people who seriously don’t give a damn what people think…and so that was a nice weird moment.

then english…we seriously spent the entire class talking about disney princesses. i was like…wtf. WTF. then math, as i said…sucked. then advanced scene we spent the entire class talking about our spring breaks and how much we missed each other and how much we love each other. it was nice. bogie actually went around and said what he missed most about each of us. he said he missed how i’m a nutjob and a weirdo. thanks man. then i slept on the couch through my last period which also felt like home. then after schoolness i just stayed in the theatre. laughed with them and felt so good to be back home. sigh. it’s gonna be fun. these last few months and then flying away. but at least i have THIS. at least i have this.

things between bobby and i were unbeleivably and painfully weird. it was SO not what i expected to happen. but we were just soo awkward and weird and bizarre and i sort of felt right back into not being able to control myself or my actions or feelings and i was like being mean to him and unresponsive and it all seems very chaotic and nonsensical at the time but if you really think about it my behavior makes sense sometimes…when i get insecure i need that comfort and control of feeling like i have power but really it doesnt do anything of the sort. really it just fucks up relationships. plus he was just annoying me in general. i thought about him a little over break but when i did…i thought of just an abstract sort of “Bobby” or the bobby that night at Lucy’s…I had completely forgotten about who he is everyday. a weirdo. and so to be back with that and for him to be ignoring me i was just like wow. you’re lousy. hopefully things will get better. hope is all i have.

oh and then O’Brien really made me smile. he came up to me as usual demanding hun review stuff. and i told him that the stuff i’ve written in the past year was shitty and probably not any good. and he went off on this rant saying things like “so you’ve become a mere mortal? you’re not leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else your age anymore? you’re not a goddess of poetry anymore? really lauren, even mediocre for you is better than anything else anyone in this school writes.” really he gives me WAY too much credit than i deserve. the stuff i write really is bullshit…but just to have that comfort and blind faith in me really is all the encouragement I could ever need. it’s so nice to have him there for me. he’s the only one in the school who makes me feel worthy. i mean bogie and lisa are nice and all…but with O’B it’s not dance or whatever…it’s intellectual…it’s the only man who values my intelligence. and that means alot to me. even if i’m not nearly as talented as he makes me out to be…i’m grateful to have him at hun. so yeah. i love him.

then i came home and slept until like 8. mmmm. i needed it. now i really should go to bed. sigh.

well. here’s to tomorrow. ceasar auditions. exciting, eh? here’s to one final chapter of the year. starting now. freefall in.