So incredibly sad. It’s impossible to capture. It’s all so unfair when the fabric of time starts to pull its threads away from the ground. It seems to be another goodbye. Oh boy. What am I going to do.

One week till Mattress opens. It feels like I’ve slept through the whole thing. I’ve been there the whole…it felt like nothing has happened. This whole year feels like that. It’s an awful awful feeling. And as hard as I try…it’s just not coming.

I don’t think I’ve got the same tough skin anymore.

What am I going to do.

What am I going to do?

I’m going to keep living. Loving. Breathing. The world spins forward.

I always get along…don’t I? I always get along. I just never want to leave this place. This moment. This universe. A tuesday afternoon lying on the theatre couch. A shared laugh in the wings. A morning checking in and trying to get Bogie to let us play theatre games. I feel like crying. I’ve been so much on the outside of the circle that I feel like I’ve missed far too much but not enough on the outside that I’m not attached. No matter what, no matter who we are or where we’ve been or where we’re going…just in living those moments togheter…on stage…experiencing the magic of the theatre…loving Ms. Ohm and watching her leave us…we’ve gone through so much togheter no matter how close or far apart we may be to each other. The impending future seems far too impending. It’s gone from “well I’ve got one last year to live with them, a whole year left of memories” to “well this is it, these are my last moments” to the soon “it’s almost over.” Time goes far too fast. Far too fast.

But then of course the future beyond that…Leaving all of this next year. Leaving that theatre. That horrible, shitty home of mine. Leaving these people, as much as they drive me absolutely nuts…they are my family. My group of friends since I was 11 years old. We grew up together. Leaving this place…leaving Hun. Hun. My home. Where I spent half of my life. The my entire censcient part of my life. Where I learned to love and cry and hate and feel. Leaving Emlyn. Leaving Emlyn. I actually cannot comprehend that.

I mean at least this one is comprehensible. Far too comprehensible. Horribly comprehensible. Sad. Life is sad.

So what do I have now? I have three and a half months. A week of mattress. And then one final show. A few scattered moments in between.

What I have is tomorrow. That’s all I have. The chance to walk into that grimy theatre at 8:43 in the morning and sit with those people. One day I won’t have that chance. So stop letting the future devour you. And just think of all the sun-drenched afternoons laughing in that theatre I have left to absorb. There is still so much left. So much to live. So much to remember. Let’s make some more memories.

But don’t let it pass you by. Don’t ever regret. Or forget. Just live. Live.

What do I have? What will I do?

I will sit on that couch tomorrow morning and check in and listen to them all. Absorb these moments. Not as the last. But simply as moments.
I will go to rehearsal tomorrow. I will let the sawdust fill my lungs and gaze into those bright stagelights and laugh with the people around me and give my all to this show, put all of my remaining energy into it and think of nothing else but now. Now. Now. Now.

Live this show as if it’s your last. This is my last musical with these people EVER. My last week. Fucking live it. Don’t let it slip by. This moment happens now. Give it your fucking all or just give up. Don’t let go.

Save the tears. Live. Now.








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