“Lauren is an absolutely precious and important student for this department. Truly, deeply, gifted. She has access to her emotions and is able to become so very PRESENT when she’s working. But, like a true artist, she sometimes has trouble staying present when she’s not working. I have been so proud of the work that she done this semester, on her monologue and in class. It was her enthusiasm for her monologue and her connection to the material that inspired me to follow my impulse to teach using “Angels in America” and I’m so very glad for that decision. I think it represents some very challenging material for these students, but they are absolutely up for it, very few as much as Lauren. I hope to see her continue to grow as a leader and a thinker in this program and know that with a bit of maturity will come the focus to allow Lauren to really shine as an artist. She is a great student!”

Bogie’s progress report for me. Made my heart warm. Sort of felt like everything he could never actually say to my face.

But then I read that and I’m like…okay…….so why again was I a random ensemble member in Mattress? Whatever. It’s okay.

Is it bad that I love them more than I love my real friends? Well it’s true.

It never really ends though, does it? Like Bogie said…the sounds will drift aimlessly in that desolate theatre until the end of time. The laughter caught in the spin of dust, the tears ground up in the chipping paint and all the energy and heart and passion abstractly swarming the filament in the lights. That’s the way it goes, right? It’s never really over. No one ever really leaves us. This moment never dies…Right?

Or is that just what we tell ourselves to stop the tears?

I really don’t want to put the pictures up…not only because there’s 700 of them and it’s going to take FOREVER…but more because it means that that’s really the end. It’s finite. Over. Done. And I have nothing to look back on but pictures that attempt to capsulize the moments too beautiful for pixelation. As soon as they go up…they’re the past. Sigh.

But I guess we all have to grow up someday…it was beautiful, wasn’t it? Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Close your eyes. It’s not the end…really…just another elongation of time. Here goes…here I go. Here goes. I’m ready now.

Relive it this one last time…

I really am going to write in full when I have the time…but for now…I don’t…so now I’ll just make a skeleton.

Saturday…Matinee show…pleasing…running around, me and bobby being adorable and fierce…i don’t remember much else…then in between the WHOLE cast went to WaWa and then had a kick ass dance party in the wawa parking lot. then we came back to hun and had an even BETTER dance party outside. it was like gspell all over again. absolutely amazing. then we all sat and ate together. then got ready for the evening show. evening show was kick ass. some hardcore ass kicking. i was really feelin it. and we all went around and said what our favorite thing was and our favorite thing other people did was. sigh. then i broke jeremy’s camera and like cried. and then i fixed it and like seriously had an orgasm with happiness. so the show was amazing. richie came and i screamed and loved him. and then MS FUCKING OHM WAS THERE. we all figured it our by a few minutes in becasue we heard her laugh and we all FREAKED out. katie and i watched the show together from the wings like the good old days. then after the show bobby drove us to lucy’s house…and we all spent a couple hours basking in ms ohm’s glory. seriously. i was SOoo incredibly happy to see her. it was actually unreal. i mean seriously unreal. she was sitting right there in front of us as if she had never left. and i remembered exactly why she is SO amazing. she hadn’t changed at all either. the same old ohmy. and i felt like a sudden burst of clear thought. like i had been living in darkness since she left and here was light. it was absolutely incredible. THEN we had to drive her home so like 8 of us all piled illegally into lucy’s car…me in the trunk, lucy, ms ohm, katie sitting ONTOP of ms ohm in the front seat, and then mia, kiala, elisa and savvy in the back seat. it was actually the best car ride of my entire life. at midnight driving with my favorite people in the world with MS OHM. and we all just listneed to ms ohm talk and basked in the few incredible moments we had with her. then we all had to say goodbye and it was absolutely heartbreaking. we all hugged her goodbye one by one and then drove back to lucy’s. it really was an incredible experience. serioously that carride was so amazing. sigh sigh.

then…the rest of the night…wow…………………hah. what to say what to say. it was amazing.

ummmmmm i’m gonna finish this tomorrow…

ok so. we got there at like 1 and got in and most everyone had left (there was like EVERYONE in her house) except the boys and such and bobby was dead asleep and i believe we watched the prestige. and then  after a while all of the sudden bobby just POPS out of his sleep and he goes “WHERE AM I? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?” hahaha and waas like freaking out and was like WHY AM I NOT HOME? and was sooo confused and we’re like bobby you’re not going home you ahve to stay here because it’s like 2 and you can’t drive home in this condition. hahah. so we like forced bobby to stay. and then slowly bobby regained conciousness but that was basically the funniest moment ever.

then after that we all sat on those couches chilling and watching tv as if there was no time in the world. it was me, bobby, lucy, katie, kiala, whitt, joe, savvy, mia, conor, elisa and logan….basically my favorite people in the world to spend the night with.  we watched like every random movie on tv there could be…then slowly but surely we all got coupled off…joe and savvy…conor and mia…kiala and whitt…then lucy and katie went upstairs to sleep and elisa and logan and me and bobby were the only ones left.  mmm. the night was so pleasing though. i have really no recollection of what we did from 2 in the morning to 5…watched KINKY KONG. and Tasty Girls 5 and then CHUKWALLA and then “Mexico is SOOO hot. They’re always so dirty and grimy.”-Elisa. “You know why mexicans are so short? Because heat rises.”-Elisa. Hhahaah….so much fun. i was really out of it and slap happy. hah. it was so worth it though. i also remember rolling on a ball like a mad woman.

then i slept from like 7 to 8…and then i couldn’t sleep from 8 to 9 because i was so cold and felt awkward looking at bobby and so i just sort of stared at the wall until everyone else woke up. that morning was absolutely divine. i mean really…just all of my favorite people sort of lazily sitting around…one last show to look forward to…and feeling as if time didn’t exist. as if we could jus sit there on those couches together and never be expected to go anywhere else. never leave each other. i remember at one point we all decided we wanted to run away together and go live in the woods. sigh. it was like a dream. however, quite QUITE awkward between me and bobby. ummm yeah. AWKWARD is the perfect word. but still fine. we sort of sat around watching stuff…lying on each other…not wanting to ever move…unable to believe we still had to perform that day…then me and logan and mia and bobby went to wawa at like 9…wooo. i got hash browns and was pleased. we listened to this is halloween in the car and i was very satisfied. great wa run. then we came back…ate together…then i guess we got ready to go back to hun…i really really never wanted to leave though. sigh. i think bobby drove me back to hun. sigh. what a night.

into another amazing day.

Sunday. last show. it didn’t really sink in for a little bit…i was too exhausted, out of it and awkward to really realize. we all sort of sat around for a while..unable to grasp that it would be the last time together…then got ready for the very last time. sigh. things between me and bobby were uber awkward and my head was reeling but i tried my hardest to focus on the task at hand. when we all got finished getting ready we did our final final squeeze…and bogie did it with us…i think i cried a little but not much. it was sad though. then i got to do it for a last time. which really was a blessing. i had ALL my nerves and excitement out…i had already had the 4 best shows of my life and it already felt over to me…so to get to do it one last time just focusing on that was really a great blessing. and actually one of the best times…just becuase of that. i had no regrets left. nothing left but pure emotion. my one final push through. i wasn’t really sure if i was going to make it through because the show is so phyiscally demanding and i had NO energy left. but somehow i did it. i did Opening for a Princess for the very last time and really felt the full impact of the entire experience on me and I really just put my whole heart into it. I did Normandy into the salazar scene into Spanish Panic into Fred for the last time and fucking loved it. Fucking lived it. Was about to collapse…but it was SO worth it. I used every last muscle and every shred of energy in Fred. then last intermission…then we did the second act for the last time…i saw elisa sing that beautiful song one last time…did very soft shoes for the last time…which almost made me tear up but we nailed it…and man to man talk…i was so proud of bobby…joe’s voice was SO awful becasue he was so sick i felt sooo bad for him. then we came on one last time to do that finale one more time…it was such an incredible experience…nothing to lose…doing it all for the very last time. horribly horribly sad. but incredible. hit that final note and there. that was it. once upon a mattress. sigh. then the last curtain call…i started crying once i saw jen bow and realized all we’d been through together and how this was the last time i’d ever see her bow in a musical…it’s a beautiful feeling to cry on stage during curtain call. sigh. so sad. so beautiful. we got our final standing ovation that just made me cry even more. then we walked off stage…i took one last glance and then it was gone.

and then it was over. and then i just kept crying and crying…but it was a really beautiful silent crying. the dressing room was dead silent…we all silently took our sotumes off for the very last time and hung them up…sniffling and tearing and unable to get a word out. it was a really incredibly beautiful moment but also intensely painful. it seeemed entirely unable to be put into words. so we just didn’t talk…didnt say a word…and slowly put our things away. then me and christina really started crying…and hugging kiala and savvy and telling them how much we’re going to miss them and then we were really crying. it seemed too real. all of the sudden it was over and these beautiful people were going to leave me. i just couldn’t stop crying. i hate closing shows. then we all went out to the lobby for the last time…said hello to people for the last time…but only for like 2 minutes becuase then Bogie called us back in to do strike.

Strike is such a bizarre experience. The next 3 hours or so were so hard to describe. Horribly horribly sad. Almost so that you can’t even really grasp it. You’re so immensely exhausted from the weekend…in shock that it’s all over and unable to really move as they slowly but surely destroy everything you’ve held dear for the past two months. Deconstructing the set…beating at it with sledgehammers…screwdrivers…all these noises compiling on you and everything going by far too fast. It is suddenly incredibly over. And now what we all created together…we all destroy together. What we spent 2 and a half months tirelessly putting together…we destroy in 2 hours. Typically I’m beyond tears and sort of am trying to absorb the last final final moments we have altogether as a cast. But Bobby really didn’t seem to know what to do with himself. It took him a while to start crying…but once strike started…I think the fact that it was all over really got to him…and he just cried and cried and cried. I’m not even joking. I’ve never seen anyone cry that much at the end of a show…ESPECIALLY not a guy. It basically made me melt. HOrribly sad. But I can understand…I mean if the ONLY time I did it was my senior year and it was the only time i would ever be able to do it and i loved it as much as I do and I know he does…well it would feel awful. He sort sat on a chair in the wings alone crying through all of strike…all of us trying to cheer him up but not really sure how to. i wasn’t sure what to do especially with our relationship being so weird at the time so i just sort of let him be. every once and a while I would start crying again but for the most part I was okay. Just sort of stood there motionless watching then tear apart that lovely set. boy it was a long 2 months. sigh. strike really is incredibly sad. just a bizarre experience. your emotions seemed to have reached their end. nothing really exists. but it was the very last time the cast would be together so i sort of tried to absorb it all for it was. carting everything out…putting away all the costumes…holding back tears…and then eventually bogie put on music and it became fun. a dance party. the last one we would have. and we all forgot about all the sadness and just danced and laughed and sang together for the last time. bobby was really sad though so he didnt do anything. it was actually really sad. but other than him i had a swell time actually. i love theatre kid dance parties. they rock hardcore. then it was snowing and we danced around in the snow. sigh. there’s alot of love in my heart for each and everyone of those people. as well as this show. as much as you wouldn’t expect it…it was a complete blast, from beginng to end. really. a long long journey. but so worth it. each and every moment. one of the best musical experiences. it’s so incredibly sad that it must end. sigh. then we put on godspell and sang out lungs out. by now it was like 6 so alot of people had left and it mostly just the theatre kids…and we sang godspell with all of our heart. and then they put on all for the best and everyone knew ALL of the choreography so we performed the whole thing. it was adorable. we never stop. and perhaps, it is “all for the best.” sigh. i guess that’s all we have. memories. songs. and catch phrases. that attempt to make us feel better about the fact that beautiful portions of our lives are always taken away from us before we’re ready. sigh. bobby sat and watched as we all sang godspell. it was sad in some ways. then i put on rent and we listened to seasons of love and all sang it together and i really wanted to cry and just hold everyone close for all of eternity. then la vie boheme and then we we just about to listen to finale b which would have PERFECT to end on but bogie cut it off. and that was it. we were done. suddenly the set was gone. i was sort of amazed. i had been in a daze and when i opened my eyes i was standing on a bare stage. incredibly sad.

it’s a very bizarre feeling…watching everything around you collapse. i mean quite literally watching all the walls around you be ripped apart and destroyed…and then at the end being left exactly where you started…standing in the middle of the stage…with all of your cast…one final moment in front of the ghost light. just like we started. we end in front of the ghostlight. it adds conclusion. but also terrible heartache. it seems if you could only close your eyes hard enough you wouold be back there at the very first ghostlight and you could do it all over again. but then you realize you’re crying and that this is the last ghostlight you will ever light for this show. with these people. ever again. boy it was a fun two months. so once again…we all held the ghostlight all together…bobby made some sad speech about how much he loved us and how hard this was to walk away from…we all told each other how much we loved each other…we all cried together for one moment…all for one, final, brief moment united eternally by this ghostlight that had each and everyone of our energies coursing through it…and with one swift motion…the lightbulb illuminated…we all stood frozen, staring at it, the entire two months of laughter and tears flashed by our eyes…and it was over. finally. that was the final moment. and now once upon a mattress was finally over. i know i will always remember that moment forever. slowly and timelessly we let go of the ghostlight and in that one moment…it was over. goodbye. to an incredible experience. incredibly beautiful moment. and all that was left of us, our characters, our work, this show, this energy, these memories, these moments…was capsulized in one small lightbulb glowing faintly in the center of the stage…we all looked at it one last time and then walked away. once upon a mattress floating on stage in one orb of light. in the darkness…the ghostlight the only thing remaining. and we are through. that’s it. it’s over. horribly sad. but true. and it remains FOREVER. eternally captured inside that lightbulb. the light carries everything. trapped in the theatre. capsulized in one lightbuilb. forever. we are forever.

then we sort of stumbled off the stage and to ease our pain ran around making plans to goout to dinner. to throw in one last moment together. bobby was still crying and it probably would have been the perfect oppurtunity to comfort him…but i suck. so i went with claire and christina and lucy and i dont remember who else…and we drove to market fair…driving away from hun so incredibly sad…but so desperate for one last moment. we ate at fridays. i dont remember who was there…but a whole lot of us…all crammed in a few tables…i love cast dinners though. but i was at the end of the table with christina and such and i really wanted to be with bobby and he was on the other side and i didnt have much time left so i decided oh what the hell…and i went and sat next to bobby at the OTHER head of the table…i was proud of myself. and hahaha we had so much fun. just laughing about nothing. and everything. bobby and i’s relationship is soo fantastic right now. we were just laughing and laughing and poking each other and joking about random things that no one else got and just enjoying our last few moments together. all of us really. it was sad…but really i didnt even think about the future..i just thought about then…and being there with everyone. bobby was on one side and conor was on the other. that’s all i remember. i don’t really remember what we all talked about or howlong we were there…just that i loved it. and really really never wanted to leave. oh i do remember that my mom like completely freaked out for no reason once i got there and i had to calm her down but that was okay. other than that…dinner was divine. just relaxing with them…pretending it wasn’t actually over and that we wouldnt actually have to go to school tomorrow and never be able to go back to the castle ever again. i loved the time with bobby. we would just laugh and laugh and look at each other and laugh and it seemed as if we could do that forever. joking about chuckwallas and kinky kong. we could have stayed there forever.

then all of the sudden and without warning it was over. we had to go home. dinner was divine but suddenly it was time to get back in the car. far too soon. we all stumbled to our cars in the snow singing and yelling at each other then i finally climbed back in claire’s car and drove back to hun one final time. singing and laughing all the way. it just seemed to be all over far too soon. that drive home was so incredibly depressing…just nothing at all to look forward to. it all behind me. last moment ever…hard to enjoy. once i got to hun i was all confused and sad and wanting to see bobby and feeling bad that i hadnt told him goodbye so i did this weird thing where all these different people could have given me a ride home and i refused and so then i was stuck at hun all by myself and ihad to call my mom and she freaked out and was all upset and then i was all completely alone at hun very anticlimactically and mattress was all over and i was sad and it was snowing…it was just a very very sad moment. i went into the theatre one last time…completely dark and completely alone and cried a little and looked in astonishment at the bare set and single ghostlight…the ghostlight holding all we had…all that had ever happened in the past two months…all we created swirling in that ghostlight…then finally and swiftly turned around and walked through the doors one last time…everything dissipating in that one action. i walked through the snow all alone unable to think that it was all over until my mom picked me up and screamed at me for the next hour before i just finally and totally melted into tears. and then…there were none.

sometimes the whole entire experience seems real…sometimes i listen to the soundtrack and it doesnt actually seem like we did this show. sigh. i really can’t believe its all over. it’s feel so so long ago now. an entire lifetime ago. and where am i left now? alone. no more moments. no more of Once Upon a Mattress ever again. i guess I’m okay now…it really does feel like a lifetime ago. a brilliant, lovely, beautiful lifetime…but still nonetheless in the past…which is very bizarre indeed. i dont really know what else to say…it was a great experience.

I think I’m ready. Sigh. It’s not giving up…it’s not letting go…it’s moving forward. Honoring. One last time.

It feels so entirely long ago. In an incredibly bizarre way. So so long ago. Horribly sad.

today…slept in until activities period. was MAD sick. went to the assemlby and sat with the theatre kids. they called us up to stand infront of evryone. lovely moment. bogie announced that the spring play in julius ceasar…WTF?? video. english. math with DAVIS. was really sly and got to eat lunch and then check in with schenk and not get in trouble for it. hard to explain. then advanced scene we just talked about how sad we were that it was over. then bogie talked about julius ceasar and im actually really excited for it now. then we watched the tape of the show. it was a surreal experience. it feels like so long ago now. then i slept on the theatre couch during my last period. then we cut off conor’s hair and it was incredibly sad. then all of the cast showed up in the theatre becasue we couldn’t bear to not be there and we all watched the entire tape of the show together and laughed hysterically at what idiots we all are. it was enjoyable. then the most enjoyable thing of all happened. UGH.

WE GOT CONOR CHOI TO THE DARK SIDE. BWAHAHAHAHA. HE’S QUITTING LACROSSE AND DOING THE SPRING PLAY.

actually…i mean beyond just like wow this is going to be so much fun…i mean there’s really something to be said about that…that he’s quitting his main sport to do this with us. it’s a beautiful thing. SO exciting too. i mean it shows just what an incredible thing it is.

 AAAAAND bobby i’m almost 95% sure is going to too but i don’t want to get excited yet becuase i’m not positive. but seriously…how awesome would it be if both bobby and conor quit their sports to do theatre. that’s really something.

then we all kind of hung around and didnt want to the theatre…we looked at pictures of the show together and then just ran around messing around. then bobby had to go to baseball practice…awww so sad. but yeah. sigh. alot of good stuff. we’ve all never been closer. the bond between us all is tangible. ugh. we just can’t walk away from that theatre. beautiful.

anyway. now im sick and tired and exhausted and out of it and sad and i need to go to bed. sigh. no words left.

I’m missing it soooo much….

Today (Tuesday) was lovely too. Sooo sick it’s not even funny. I got there and went straight to the nurse and slept until activities period. i dont remember activities. video blah. english we watched movie. i was like seriosuly dying i was so sick all over. math i just slept right on through. then 7th period i slept on the theatre couch. i seriously don’t even know why i came to school today. then we had like no scene class. the bell rang and bobby and solomon and conor and elisa were the only ones who showed up…everyone else was smart enough to actually stay home sick. so me and bobby and solomon and conor and elisa just chillaxed and laughed and cuddled on the couch. me and bobby are like so fierce. our relationship is intense and fiery. with a whole lot of touching. it’s enjoyable. then we just sort of never left the tehatre for a few hours. it’s amazing what a black hole it is. and how cute it is that its so hard to walk away from. me and bobby were like unbelievably cute…and then there was this one point where we just kept touching each other and solomon was like “Ok stop it and just go out already!” and we were like uhhhh…and everyone’s face was like “i’ve wanted to say that for so long” it was actually pretty funny and then like 10 minutes later he said again he was like “no seriously, why aren’t you guys going out yet?”…oh so awkward but cute. then later in quyens conor or something was like “why don’t you just take her to prom?” hah it’s getting really awkward. and i myself wonder, why aren’t we going out? it’s very bizarre. but yeah. interesting…then bobby gave me a ride home. and hahaha as we were leaving we passed A2C2 in the road…and it took them a second to register that it was bobby waving at them…and then that I was in the car with him…and then they were like why the fuck is lauren in the car with bobby? hahah i felt so satisfied…the look on their faces was priceless. hah. you don’t get everything girls.

then i walked into town. looked hopelessly for monologues. got a cupcake. came home. put some pictures up. blahed. blah blah. i am sick. i am going to have a horrible audition tomorrow but that’s okay. um. yes. goodnight.

Honestly. Theatre is home. And those people are family.

Wednesday. Mmmm another good day. Long and exhausting and way to sick to be in school…but…nonetheless. I had scene first…I don’t remember at all…then during my free i buckled down and got far in my french paper and then all of the sudden i got REALLY sick…like not throw up sick but like how I feel after they take my blood and i really didnt know what to do so i ran up to the nurse and i really needed to just keel over and i told her and she took my blood pressure but then i almost fainted. and for some reason she didnt believe me cuz i was there yesterday and i didnt want to go home. i REALLY wanted to go home but mom said that if i went home that i couldn’t audition for crimes of the heart…and the audition was just too important…so she let me rest for like 10 minutes and then i tried as best as i could to shake it off. dumb idea. i’m just getting sicker and sicker trying to stick through it. i had to go to the last 10 minutes of french class and the whole class was staring me down like it was my fault that i’m dying and shaffer yelled at me until i told her that i was so sick that i really should not even be here and i guess she’s okay now. then we had a majorly worthless assembly on the dangers of facebook and i told bogie and lucy that i really should go home but that i wanted to audition and they told me to stay anyway. ugh. then video we interviewed idris…then english p was sketchy…then math i slept through with kiala…then double physics…ummm…i dont really rememeber. oh yeah! during the entire first period i had to be in that sketchy glass classroom alone with matt everts and david putman…since none of us had taken the quiz…but it was weird…and i mean they were nice to me and all…but its like this WHOLE other world that i’m so not aware of and so don’t care about. and they’re like “why don’t you ever party with us and our crowd” and i’m like uhhh. because you guys freak me out. i don’t know. it’s a really interesting grade we have. coming out of that classroom and getting back to my own world was really trippy.

then we had auditions for Crimes of the Heart. Which was actually exciting. And I have to say…the best audition of my entire life. Not really because I did well or anything…but I just was not scared at all. Not a single nerve. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten over my fear after doing monologues in class. But I didn’t even think about it all day. I never once practiced my monologue…I just read over it in my head a couple times…and then I got freaked out because we had to do a southern accent and I’m terrified of accents…but I was really surprised…I walked into the room and Lucy and Royce were sitting there (which was WEIRD im not gonna lie) and i walked on stage without a care in the world and suddenly from out of my mouth came this southern accent and i performed the whole monologue without flinching. they said it was good but didnt ask to see anything more…i highly doubt that i’ll be cast…considering there’s only 6 roles…and only 4 girls…but it was still worth trying out. overall it was a good audition. a good afternoon. once you get over the TERROR of auditions…they are sort of fun…watching everyone on edge. bobby and i were fierce. fierce. then we didnt leave until like 5:30. from 2:30 to 5:30 was me and bobby rapage time. it’s quality stuff. believe me. i dont really know what we did after auditions…me and bobby and conor and solomon hung out. it’s absolutely amazing and adorable how we’re so unable to leave the theatre. sigh. but bobby and i did have a really hot hug that lasted a really long time and it got really quiet and you could just hear bobby’s heaving breathing. oh boy good stuff. i dont know where on earth this is going…but i’m loving every minute of it. oh and we shaved off the rest of conor’s hair…which was actually really sad…i was feeling really nostalgic today…time is impressing upon me. the sun was setting and it was a week since the excitement of starting the hair…and here we were shaving it all off for good. that’s it. it’s over. sigh sigh sigh. it was beautiful while it lasted.

anyway….then…yeah….hahah i’m also really loving bobby and i’s relationship rightnow in general. we just get along so well. we really complement each other well. and i love when A2C2 walks by us and is like wtf. um then i guess i went home. exhausted and dead.

my mom got these REALLY awesome necklace things that say “The Guilty Ones” and “Touch Me”…she gave the touch me one to emlyn which i thought was whorish becuase i really wanted that one. oh and i dropped my application off at hitops. exciting. then i had a swell time listening to mattress…missing it and uploading pictures and reliving it one last time. sigh sigh. i really actually can’t believe it’s over sometimes. it’s been a long ride. sigh. then i had a BLAST with Bogie’s facebook…hahaha that was the most fun i’ve had in a long time laughing to myself at the fact that i’m freidns with him on facebook. tagging him was a pleasure. oh boy what fun.

now its late and i really should go to bed. i miss so many things. i doubt ill get into crimes, but it would be so much fun. bobby is a mess. i am in a very good place.
i miss so much. i love so much. i live SO much. that’s all that matters.

Today was interesting. Slightly disappointing in ways. Not in others. scene we did some cool new exercises. then free i finished my paperness. then activities i blahed…realized i dislike my friends in comparisson to the theatre kids by alot. then video i shworked like a mother. i am so behind and its so not fair. english was worthless. math was dumb. french was retarded. the whole class was like mad at me and getting on my case for not being here all week and i was like stfu guys ive been really sick who are you to get on my case? it was so weird. then physics was worthless worthless. then after school i was running around doing stuff. i didnt get cast in crimes of the heart. i was actually sort of disappointed about it all day…and sort of felt like they gave lindsey the part just beacuse they’re friends with her…but after a while i got over it. just as long as i get to be involved. it’s gonna be so much fun. and then by the time we did the read through i was totally okay with not being cast…everyone in it is SO incredibly talented. it should be fun producing it though. it’s going to be really exciting. after school bobby suddenly decided to go back to baseball and i almost cried. i seriously did. and then me and savvy tried to get him to do theatre again and he called his dad and told him he wasnt going to do baseball and then when he hung up we were dancing around and hugging him and he’s like yeah i totally didnt call him i just did that for the hugs, im gonna go to baseball practice now. that was so sad. i like almost cried. and then today…well it was the first day in 2 months that i didnt spend all after school with bobby…and it was like man…this is really gonna suck if he doesnt do this. it was really saddening. ugh. but yeah the read through was fun and exciting and hilarious. i felt a bit of ohm in the room. sigh.

then i kdont remember what happened when i came home. i sort of napped while watching the oscars. then blubbed around. uploaded more pictures. yeah. stuff like that. hahahah and then bobby imed me for the first time and he pretended to be conor choi and it was like wtf. hahaha LOSER. but cute. very cute. i’m really confused about what’s going on tomorrow…and now i feel uber awkward because i feel like i invited myself and i’m sooo not sure what’s going on….ummm but we’ll see? yeah. one last day before spring break. yay? nay? sigh. enjoy what you have when you have it.

and bobby is a loser.

Everything feels like it’s beginning to wind down. How did I get to the latter end of the year already? It FLEW by. Honestly it did. It doesn’t even feel earned. It went by too fast.

Red13urton12ide: i wanna go home
AnInnocentBanjo: arent you home…
Red13urton12ide: yea
Red13urton12ide: i want to go back to the castle

whitt has now taken to calling bobby my “boyfriend”. cute. but weird. and today he said to me “Ok so everyone knows there’s something between you and bobby…when are you guys gonna get your act together?” hah. oh sigh whitt.

It’s so sad thinking of it all as memories now…

Why is it over? Why?

Omg Tears are filling me up and pouring over. This actually hurts. Why is it over. Why.

Best fucking weekend of my entire life.

A two and a half months I will never ever forget.

My favorite people on the entire face of the earth.

A new found love.

An incredible show.

More memories and pictures than could ever be counted.

Omg I miss it SO much. This is so fucking painful. Omg I am so incredibly sad.

I will never ever do that show again. I will never have a reherasal with Bobby again. Nothing will ever be the same. I will never have a musical with those people again. I will never get to see Elisa hit that final note in Happily Ever After or do the Spanish Panic with Salazar or hear CChoi sing Very Soft Shoes or see Whitt with that absolutely ridiculous chesthair. I will never get to do Opening for a Princess with that fantastic cast or do Princess Pat with them or the squeeze. I will never get to wear those ridiculous costumes and be a complete whore or have Bogie have us all “in the first two rows” to yell our head off about something completely random.

It has been the ride of a lifetime. So fucking incredible. So fucking amazing.

I really honestly cannot believe that it’s over. It doesn’t seem real. It’s not fair. Time is too short.

And I am in love with him.

And now back to real life. Fuck fuck fuck. I want to stay on stage forever. No fair no fair. Why why why. It hurts. Oh god this is not fair.

I should have comforted while I had the chance…I should have told him how I really feel.

I have loved this show. I have loved the experience…the people…the passion, the fun, the energy. The high you get off the brilliance of the stage.

These past 5 shows have honestly been some of the greatest moments of my life.

Fuck I can’t believe its all over. No fucking fair.

I will never be with Bobby the same way ever again. Nothing will ever be as lovely as these past few months. Oh fuck I’m going to miss those seniors SO fucking much. It’s so not fucking fair.

It has been a complete blast. I cherish every last moment I have had. On stage…off stage…in the dark of Lucy’s basement…curled up on the theatre couch…tech days…every single day. Every single moment.

I really don’t know if I have the heart to take off these clothes…I’ve been wearing these tights for like 48 hours straight. Ugh. Sigh…

This weekend has really honestly been the greatest in my entire life. I felt completely and totally alive. Every pore of my body on fire. Everything so intricately real and fascinatingly beautiful. To give your heart to a theatre is a dangerous but incredibly rewarding experience.

It’s been beautiful. Really incredibly beautiful. And as much as I cry and hurt and pain…the truth is…I fucking lived it. I have no regrets. No fucking regrets. I gave my soul and body to those performances. I ran myself into the ground. I tore up a pair of shoes over the course of 4 days. I cried and laughed and devoted myself to every second. I cherished the people and honored the show. I breathed in beauty and exhaled wonder. I got virtually no sleep and did the most intense physical and mental work over the course of 48 hours I have ever done. I took more pictures than is humanely possible. I gave myself over to love. I conquered. I lived with all my heart and loved with no fear. Fuck yeah. I lived entirely in the present. Aware of the future, honoring the past…but living so wholly and fully in the present. You really don’t live until you live onstage. In alternate dimensions that fit so wholly together than you truly blend soul with body. I took a mediocre situation and turned it into something entirely extradorinay. We all did. We all made thsi fucking beautiful. So really…I go out on an incredible note. An incredible weekend. One I will neevr in my life forget. And as hard as it is to let it go…I fucking lived it. No regrets.

So truly…thank you. Thank you all for giving me such an enormously thrilling experience. Thank you for the love. For the memories. The moments. And the beauty.

Thank you.

I really legitamately am going to miss each and every single person in that cast.

Time is so finite. All we have in the beautiful moments in between. That color the hours. And for a small amount of time…I was in another world…this entire weekend…I was on another planet. Nothing mattered but this. Heaven. And now…it’s back to mortality. Painful.

These transcendent moments only happen so often…cherish them.

It was all I could have possibly wished for and more. That’s all.

In the end…no regrets. Never forget.

The ability to walk onto that stage is a blessing. Under those hot stage lights and in front of a packed audience all breathing as one. It’s a blessing. To transport yourself to another world…to feel the incredible bond and the incredibly abstract beauty of theatre…to get so wholly lost in a show and every aspect of it…a fucking blessing. Fuck yeah.

Close your eyes. Breathe. Take it for what it was. Incredibly beautiful. Be thankful you had that moment. And let go. Live. Thank you.

The show. The people. The memories.
An unbreakable bond. Unbreakable.

“Whether the weather is hot, or whether the weather is cold…we’ll be together whatever the weather whether you like it or not.”

Always and forever.

Fuck yeah.

I believe.

Yeah. So wow. Yesterday was absolutely completely amazing. One of the best days. Of my life.

Every single aspect. All coming together at once. In one swift motion. Two brilliant hours.

I was insanely tired during the day. Zoned out in physics. dont remember 2nd period. probably slept. advanced scene we did this fantastic relaxation exercise and all layed together on the stage and breathed together. it was ebautiful actually. i wanted to lay there forever. then advisors we had haven and laughed about ideas for founders fest. so pleasing. video video. english blah. math quiz failed. then hahah i went to the theatre during my 7th free to sleep…and i fell asleep…and then bogie went to study hall and didnt wake me up so i just slept right on through french class. hahahaha soo pleasing. and then i went to schenk and i told her the truth and asked her what to do and she was just like “i wont tell the dean, this’ll be just between us” it was SO cute i shlove her sometimes. and then i had to go to apologize to shaffer. but that was basically my day.

then after school was possibly the saddest experience of my life. hah. jen mccusker like forced me and christina to go to wawa with her and i guess i thought….well i dont know what i thought…but then once we got back EVERYONE had left. and we seirously spent like an hour alone in the theatre trying to figure out where everyone was and no one was giving us a straight answer and then we called bobby and he said they all went to lucys and that we should come…so jen drove us to lucy’s and dropped us off and then christina and i rang the doorbell like 4 times and no one asnwered and we felt really awkward so we started walking back to the school…and we’re walking down the street all sad and dejected and a car pulls up behind us…and it’s whitt…haha that was one of the happiest moments of my llife. haha whitt made my day. so he picked us up and then went and got kiala and then the four of us went to lucy’s so that we didnt all feel awkward. lucy’s house was a lovely few hours. it was all of the senior theatre group all sprawled and cuddling on couches together watching the Prestige together…me and Bobby cuddling and just all of us basking int he afternoon sunlight…as if there was all the time left in the world. it was a really beautiful couple of hours. then we all got back in our cars and drove back to the school and got ready.

eeeee. the next few hours were so much fun that i completely even forgot we were doing a show. it was like the icing ontop of a lovely cake. i dont know…we have all just gotten so adorably bonded that just being there was a blast. warming up. running around. putting on makeup. and bobby and i wer elike SO pleasing. i was like dying of laughter. we were walking around scaring girls. hahaha we had so much fun. and seriously we just like COULDNT stop touching each other. then we all sang bogie happy birthday and had a cake for him. that was great too. then us all doing the squeeze. i could really feel ohm in the circle with us. we did it three times which is always a good sign.

That show was electric. absolutely positively electric. so much energy bouncing out of everywhere. from every pore. it was beyond sold out. we had standing room. and the audience and the cast works so effortlessly together…feeding off of each other’s energies. its incredible to watch. absolutely incredible. bobby was SO on and i was so fucking proud of him. i was proud of everysingle person. every single moment we all created together.

This is a fucking blast. A mother fucking blast. Every moment I have on that stage is a blessing. And I will cherish.

Really last night was all I needed. Honestly. That could have been the end of the run and I would have been satisfied. But the fact that not only do I have 3 shows left…I’m not even halfway done yet!

This is it. THIS is it.

Fucking live it.

This is a mother fucking blessing.

Don’t let a single moment pass you by.

Fuck yeah.

No lie. One of the single greatest days of my entire life.

No words. ABSOLUTELY no words. The night is on fire. I am so alive. I am burning bright.

What a fucking incredible day.

The absolute most fun I’ve ever had doing a show at the Hun School ever. In my life. Fucking awesome.

Best show ever. There are no words. Just emotions. Beautiful moments. Memories. And fire.

Fucking fire.

I will never in my life forget this day.

This is like the peak of my life…Thank you so much. For all of this. All of you. Absolutely breathtaking.

This is all I need. This is life. I am serenely happy.

I believe. Breathe.

FUCK. YEAH.

FUCK. YEAH.

FUCK YEAH.

FUCKING AMAZING.

Nothing compares. Not a single thing on this earth.

Amazing opening night. I love you ALL. Kick ASS.

There really are no words. No words. SO many emotions. So many feelings. Oh what a day. OH what a day. So much laughter…so many tears.

His hand fits perfectly into mine.

Never forget this moment. This night. This day. How could I? Oh amazing.

And I love this show. This moment. This existence. Fucking live it to the fucking end. Live it with all your soul.

No regrets.

Fuck yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

LIFE IS AMAZING.

I cannot even begin to express in words just how excited I am for tomorrow night. The excitement is fucking palpable. I can’t even sleep. This is the most excited I’ve been for an opening night ever. I don’t even know why. I’m excited for sooo many reasons. I’m REALLY starting to love this show…this cast. Every fucking moment we have together. It’s a blessing. A true blessing.

School. scene first. we did nothing. free i videoed. french was dumb. acitivities i videoed. video i videoed. and i had finished my video and i actually really liked it and hoban wouldn’t even watch it. he said i needed to do it all ovre again because he didnt like the song and didnt even want to sit through it. it was realllly sad. then english was a study hall. i slept. then during math i went ot the bathroom and sprinted to the cafeteria. so badass. then physics we physicsed around.

Then we spent like 3 hours fucking around. Hah so much fun. I took a whole bunch of pictures and we all got dressed and excited and frenzied and were really adroble. seriously. the best time of my life. nothing compares to the musical. just the best time. with the best cast. in the best theatre. and i love EVERY moment of it.

Then we did our dress rehearsal. Our final rehearsal ever. Which is saying something…after 2 and a half motnhs rehearsing. It’s the longest I’ve ever spent on ANY show. So naturally we’ve all become strangely close. Omg I really never want this to end. The show was AMAZING. Sooo muich fun. Actually even better than yesterday if you can believe it. There really just are no words. Bobby and I were hot backstage…I sat on him and…well yes many hot things…but then at the very very end of rehearsl he got REALLY upset and wouldn’t even talk and looked ready to cry. finally he told me that he was feeling REALLY nervous and sick and kept feeling like he sucked and was going to mess up. that basically made me want to hug him forever and some. i did. but not enough. sigh.

this show is so amazing. it all comes together in the end.

Then we had our LAST notes. sigh. it was a really lovely experience on the whole. i love EVERYONE. i want to give them a big group hug. by the end of rehearsal i was seirously giddy. SOO excited for tomorrow. SO pumped. so happy to be here in this moment and not at sunday. I’m here now and that is ALL that matters. This is the best moment. I”ve got the BEST part infront of me. Make the most of it.

Hahahahah and i had the BEST SA convo ever. like 6 of us from the forum all made an aim chat and FREAKED out about SA on Letterman for an hour straight. It was SO much fun. I love these people! And THEN watching my boys on Letterman. It was amazing. Groff was SOOO fine. UGHH. I love.

And now to the best moment. Nothing can replace this. Nothing ever will. One day I’ll look back. So fucking live this moemnt. It IS my last. And these should be the greatest 4 days of my life. My last musical with these people.

Fucking Opening Night.

Fucking live it. There are no words left I need to say. It’s going to be an INCREDIBLE experience and I know it is so I really need to say nothing else. But fucking live it. Embrace it. Cherish it. And fucking ROCK it.

HERE I FUCKING COME.

Fuck yeah.

Live. This. Moment.

This is what the past two months have been leading up to. This. This moment. This is fucking it. This is it. Here it is. Take it. Fucking seize it. And don’t let a second pass you by. Live.

Now.

“When you realize that “The Bitch of Living” is not only your theme song, but could well be that of an entire generation…

Yeah. That’s when you know you believe.”

-Some random girl on a forum or something…but seriously. So true.

Oh my god it’s happening. It’s seeping into me. This musical. I’m really starting to love it.

Tonight was the best rehearsal of Mattress ever. It was the first time I felt like we were actually doing a show.

We didnt’ start until almost 6. It was nuts. We seriously spent like 3 hours fucking around…putting on costumes…mics…doing mic checks…filming the wanted ads and just like blah-ing around. so much fun though. except i sort of wanted to kill jen mccusker. but then we finally started the dress rehearsal and it was stellar.

oh lemmmie write about school real quick. first free. french test. physics. gsa/lunch/bobby had pink eye. video crazy working. english inclass essay bs. math crap. free editing joe’s face. advanced scene really cute. much much bondage going on. i love that unsurpassable bond that happens the week of a show. nothing can compare. we just talked and chilled and then did improv games and when they started doing sitting standing lying down i seriously just peaced out. i disappeared and walked around the school for 20 minutes and came back fter the bell rang. i was just so not up for that. hahah isuck at life but no one seemed to notice so it was okay.

i can’t believe bogie took margretta back. ew. but the goitens are out.

During the overture the whole cast stands onstage in our positions with the lights off as Avery sings outside the curtain and it’s the most magical moment. I absolutely love it. Like we’re all suspended in timeless magic. And then the curtains opened and for a second I legitamately thought I was in another world. I’m not even joking. I thought I was there. And then Bobby made a goofy face at me and I realized I was at Hun onstage. It was a beautiful moment though.

The rest of the show was just killer. I was putting so much energy out and I was just actually really doing the show and it felt SO fucking good. Every single moment onstage felt like a high. It seriously felt like opening night. Amazing feeling.

Every number and every moment onstage was infused with passion. And Bobby and I sort of cuddled on the steps and watched all of the Minstrel the Jester and I together. It was so cute and satisfying. I wanted to stay there forever. I can’t comprehend that in a matter of days he’s going to suddenly be out of my life again. Fuck sports. Stay with me.

I had so much fun that run. So awesome. And tripping up the steps in very soft shoes. Classic. And then at the end of rehearsal I got a bumch of good notes from Lisa and then Bogie gave no notes at all and told everyone who wasnt in the cast to get out of the theatre and we got really freaked out. And he made us sit in a circle and told us for the frist time how awesome and talented we were. It felt soooo good. Finally we deserve some credit. And he read us a really cute quote and I basically…it was one of the cutest moments of my entire life. I never wanted to leave. Sigh.

So much is behind me. So many beautiful memoires behind me. But really. It’s all before me. These last few days. These last few moments. Cherish them as never before. One day it will all be gone. Love with all your heart. Act with all your body. Live with all your soul.

This will never happen again.

Fucking cherish.

One last rehearsal.

This is it. Deep breath. Plunge. Don’t look back. And hold onto this with ALL you have.

This is it.

This entire weekend has been a blur. A blissful, blissful blur.

And so how I would love to spend the rest of my life…

Thursday…rehearsal…then saw Music and Lyrics with Jeremy which was thoroughly pleasing. Then we watched some awesome Degrassi and shit.

Friday…slept in…doctor’s appointment…college counseling…rehearsal from 3 to 6. Don’t really remember it…then drove around with Christina for a while blasting Spring Awakening. Then went to Market Fair with Emlyn…oh soo pleasing. We got kicked out of the bathroom and the manager had to come track us down because we were taking pictures of people and partying with toiler paper on our heads. Duh. Read sex books. And then met a VERY VERY pleasing fellow named Tom and we just clicked immediately and talked for like an hour. It was soo pleasing.

Saturday…rehearsal from 10 to 5. Don’t really remember it. Went to lunch with Jen. Partied. In the morning we finished painting the set and such…and it was really quite blissful and sweet. the afternoon we started lighting. took seriously like 3 days. UGH. but its okay. then that night everyone was out or gone…so i called up…MELISSA KAY! Haha I seriously hadn’t spoken to her in like 6 months. So we hung out. Me and her and her bf and her brother. It was so nice to see her actually. Much more than I would have thought. Like I really missed her…and she’s in a much better place now than she ever was at Hun. And Jake is SO pleasing. And mitchell was being sketchy. yeah. and her hair is like blue and i love it. i needed that. reconnection with old lives is good. then i was gonna sleep over but decided against it…but i actually wanted to. mmm good stuff.

Sunday. Rehearsal from 10 to 5….mostly lighting tech the ENTIRE day. which means standing there for a half an hour as they fix the light over your head and then moving to the next position. fun stuff. the time in the wings laughing is always worth it. i actually really loved it. just soaking up the theatre and the lights and the people. went to wawa with lucy and all the theatre girls and royce STUFFED into car and blasting spring awakening. we also did an italian run through which is doing the show x4 speed…which is SO much fun. you do EVERYTHING like 3 times as fast. we did the whole show in 30 minutes and it was AWESOME. sooo much fun. then more blahing around. heh. and then after rehearsal bobby and i got into this huge squirt gun fight…and like he was viscious…spraying me in the eye over and over again…and as much as it was sorta cute…it really hurt. and then i fell in the snow. it was just pretty painful overall. and then i was frustrated and such…so naturally i called up connor bowman…and me and emlyn and jeremy….had a SWELLLL time. goooood times.

Monday. Rehearsal from 10 to 5. yeah. MORE lighting tech shit. LONG ASS. went to hoagie haven with elisa and royce and HAHAHAH royce and i had the funniest time ver hahahah “Sausage and cheese!” omg good times. then of course blasted spring awakening the whole time in the car. now that is what i call a good time. then MORE rehearsging. and me and bobby having hot and sexy moments together. i really enjoyed that. and bart was there. and just lots and lots of good ass shit. and me being COMPLETELY exposed because i’m a SLUT. and then chilling in the theatre with bart and then i don’t remember. oh there was a jam session sometime too…like before the squirtgun thing.

bobby and i are even. that’s the thing that’s keeping me afloat. it can be beautiful.

i think the cast is finally starting to really really bond. because really…after spending 30 hours with a group of people in the course of one weekend…well…i mean something’s gotta click. sigh.

oh and cchoi’s one man west side story basically made my weekend.

and margretta seriously disappeared….disappeared……

After tonight…as of tomorrow…I’m going on a theatre diet. Meaning no shit thats gonna hurt my voice and just not so much food that I’m like exploding out of my miniskirt. I have a SLUTTY ass costume. And I’ve got alot to say about it…but ugh. I don’t wanna talk about it.

Actually…one of the best weekends of my life.

Why does it all go so fast…

Oh god those eyes….how I love those eyes..

Another thought….

This is it.

It’s hell week. This moment only happens once. It’s gonna be an adventure. A journey. One fucking week left and then it’ll be gone forever. Fucking cherish. Fucking. Cherish. Two more rehearsals left. Here we go. This is what we live for.

Here goes nothing.

Take me or leave me.

To the show. To these people. To this one fucking week. To life. To breath.