How the FUCK is Lea Michele so FUCKING COOL?!?!?!!??!?

I swear to god Spring Awakening is the second coming.

I want nothing else than to live in the Eugene O’Neill.

Soooo many thoughts that I literally cannot verbalize them in an coherant way. Other than..


SPRING AWAKENING FUCK YEAH.

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“Well, it took some time, but eventually I, Spring Awakening, A New Musical, triumphed over the wicked Wicked
The battle was intense and voracious and a little bit sexy, ending up
just as you, reader, imagined it would.  Wicked lying face down in the
jello pit we were fighting in, with me standing over her proudly
looking into the distance.  I now rule broadway (a single tear rolls
down my cheek.)”

Hahahaha wtf. That’s from the official Spring Awakening myspace’s blog. I’m so so confused. But I do know that if Spring Awakening could talk, it would so talk like that. Because it is just that badass. Hahaha wtf.

I called my dad tonight about England and Tracey picked up. It was the first time I’d ever even heard the woman’s voice, let alone talked to her. It was insanely weird. I guess she sounds different then I imagined, older…but still a skank. I can’t even wrap my mind around the fact that she’s my step-mother. I really can’t. I don’t know how to fathom the fact that I have a step-mom and a step-sister. Both those phrases seem so foreign to me. And no matter what, they will never, never be my family. I don’t even consider my father family. Not even really my brother dan anymore. Family is such a strange concept. The people that you’re born into blood relations with you’re expected to “love unconditionally” due to some abstract, unknown, unforseeable bond that just draws you together because you’re “family.” In alot of ways, it’s so true. But more becuase you’ve shared your life with someone regardless of whether or not you wanted to. Because they’ve seen you grow and develop and cry and learn and hate and love. I mean in alot of ways family can be incredible like that. I mean I’d say my mother and Bryan are the only people in my entire family who I actually feel I have a “family bond” with. Everyone else is bullshit. Emlyn is more of my sister than this creepy 12 year old “step-sister” will EVER be. How can I even be related to these people? Just because my dad signed a marriage certificate and fucked a flight attendant does NOT mean I have any relations or ties or owe ANYTHING to these people. These people are scum. Just like my father. Who invented this idea that “no matter what family is family.” My father, no matter how much blood and genes we share, is NOT my family. That I am sure of. BOGIE, who I’ve known for 3 months, is more of a father than my own father has ever been. Fuck you.

Anyway. It was just eerie to hear her voice. Creepy. I found it interesting how instead of saying “Can I talk to my dad” as would be natural, without even thinking I said “Can I speak to Rick.” In that moment I really felt like an adult. Hard to explain.

Fucking bastard.

Mother fucking bastard.

It hurts so fucking much when I actually think about it.

I feel my insides regurgitate and my whole body ache and writhe when I think about it.

My father does not love me. Probably never has.

My father is mentally unstable.

And he asks why I never call. You fucking dumb cunt. Because I fucking hate to think about it. Beucase I fucking hate feeling like this where I’m crying out of my pores and screaming out of my stomach.

Because this is it. This is where all the pain stems from. This is the waterfall…everything else is just tributaries. This truly, is where the blood clots and stops. This is the pain inching out of my fingers and filling up my spine and creeping into my capillaries. This is where the pain is. This is where I come from. This is why I am deformed. He was the first one to ever break my heart. And it has never, ever been mended. Ever. This is where the pain lives. This is where the pain drills into every socket of my soul. This is where all the pain stems from. All the darkness that shrouds my spirit…all the agony and deranges my mind…all the pain that deforms my heart. This is where I come from.

And he wonders why I never call.

And I’m so fucking good at hiding it from myself that it’s chipping
away at every last ounce of sanity in my flesh without me even knowing
it. Because I don’t even fucking think about it. That’s the worst part. That it’s eating me up without me even knowing. Pain that’s knawing and raw…yet never quite hurts enough. Just devours my soul piece by piece.

The tears are soaking into my hair and saturating my skin. My eyes feel as if they could evaporate. And it stings to think about. Any of it. Any of it at all.

And Bogie says “Your father is a nice guy, why are you so hard on him, he really cares about you.”

You fucking fucking idiot. I thought you were supposed to be the ACTING expert. He’s a fucking salesman. He gets PAID to manipulate people.

Manipulates every FUCKING thing.

To the point where I’m sure he doesn’t even know who he is anymore.

I certainly don’t.

No. I have a wretched, bloody corpse of a father who is a closeted drag queen and can trick anyone and loves no one but himself.

My father died 2 and a half years ago.

And I never went to the funeral.

I fucking wish he was dead and buried. I honestly do. Because his fucking ghost haunts me like the plague and won’t ever give me peace.

Because he’s the fucking devil.

Back to pretending like I’m okay…

Boy oh boy where do I start. Where to I begin. Forgive me if I make no sense, I had hoped to be more eloquent, but the fact is I’m sick and tired and very fed up. So I guess here goes.

To be completely honest, I thought your argument was bullshit. Such bullshit, in fact, that I didn’t even see a point to writing a huge 8 page argument about it. It simply did not merit the time.

Just to give you a few general reasons why I think your last argument was bullshit so that it’s clear. And I’ll just say this and then I won’t talk about it again.

Come. On. Are you actually going to be picky over words? Tolerance? Acceptance? Great give me a definition…but you know the point I’m making, you know the message I’m talking about, and you know the idea that I’m preaching. Who cares which word I used where and what it exactly means. Come on.

Come on. Gay lifestyle? I asked you specifically and first and foremost to define what it is that a gay lifestyle is and then to tell me why that is different from everything that I’ve been talking about. Not only did you not do that, but you proceeded to continue to throw this weird “Gay lifestyle” argument in my face as if it means ANYTHING. Holy shit. Call it whatever the hell you want. Gay lifestyle. Gay identity. Being gay. Gay people. Gay WHATEVER. Call it ishnfenalfjek for all I care. Pick and complain about “tolerance” “acceptance” “support” all you want. The ideas are the same. The point is the same. The message is the same. And so is yours. Why can’t you see that? WHY CAN’T YOU FREAKING SEE THAT? We’ve been talking about the SAME thing for a week straight and for probably 40 straight pages of BULLSHIT. Bullshit from BOTH of us because we’re saying the SAME damn thing over and over and over again.

I’m saying be tolerant of gays. That is ALL of saying. Put it in WHATEVER words you want. Say I want you to go jfkel your jfkeja of your nmkmckela and forget everything you hold dear and for once try to see another point of ajfkejl. It doesn’t MATTER. The words don’t MATTER. The IDEAS matter.

What you’re saying is no. I will not be tolerant of gays. And no. I’m not intolerant of gays. “I’m intolerant of gay lifestyle”…COME ON. It’s the SAME damn thing and you KNOW it.

So now, after you didn’t listen and respond to me, what is
it that you want me to listen to? The fact that now you’re just meddling with
words?

Come on. Bullshit. You know what we’re both trying to say and you know why. Stop hiding, stop evading, stop complaining, stop victimizing yourself, stop being so deeply ensconced in the fact that “you have your beliefs” that you can’t even try to open yourself up to another.

So that’s all I have to say about that.

But the fact is truly, I have SO much to say. Too much to say. To the point where I really don’t know how to begin.
No I did not respond immediately to your last “argument” was so good and overwhelming and true that I didn’t know how to defend myself…not because I’m “immature” but because I KNEW that just fighting back and forth and back and forth was doing us NO good. I didn’t know what to say without sounding mean or contradictory and I didn’t know how I felt and I didn’t know what I wanted. Let me clarify what that means. I didn’t know what I wanted from you because I knew that you weren’t going to see my side and I didn’t want to keep beating this down into the ground and I didn’t really know what it was to do. So I decided to wait. Wait and hope and hope that eventually, with some time, you would realize that what you’re saying is ridiculous. That your arguments are ridiculous. But instead you seem to have taken it as a sign of success, or I don’t know, maybe it just majorly fucked with your head. Whatever it did, I realized I needed to put it to an end because time alone to think was clearly not helping you at all.

I also had to think ALOT about myself personally. WHY this was SO personal to me and why I feel SO strongly about it. I thought alot about coming out, but the truth is I don’t know if I’m coming out or not and if I would be coming
out…I don’t know what I would be coming out to. Because I know…I KNOW that I am
attracted both sexually and romantically to males…but I also know that I’ve
done a little bit too much “homosexual experimentation” for it to still be
considered “experimenting.” I don’t know…honestly right now I’m questioning
everything. But I don’t feel like you are and I don’t feel like that’s right. I
don’t feel like you’re answering my questions and I don’t think you’re posing
any of your own…I think you’re just being evasive about this whole damn thing. And then on top of that trying to act like you’re the one that’s “trying” or the one that’s “being attacked.”

What I said about my sexuality, I feel like that’s genuine and I feel like at this point, you’re either being intolerant of gays or you’re not. And if you’re being intolerant of gays…then in you’re being intolerant of me…no matter what label I label myself…and to be honest, I do not want to be “best friends” with someone who can’t even tolerate me.

And honestly, beyond anything else, what I really don’t want to be “best friends” with is someone I really can’t trust. Trust with something as personal as my sexuality and someone to trust that she won’t bitch and complain about me, probably mostly lies and exaggerations to everyone. Honestly, that’s the lowest part of the WHOLE THING. When Amy first told me that you were bitching about me to everyone I believed her, but also knew that I couldn’t completely take it word for word. But then when I had MULTIPLE people come up to me asking me what is wrong with me for being so awful to you I start to wonder. When EVERYONE gives me weird looks and treats me differently, I start to wonder. When Mark treats me perfectly fine ALL week and then the day after you say you had a “nice long talk with him” he suddenly isn’t talking to me…I start to wonder. When Christina comes up to me and says “What’s REALLY going on with you and erica?” and I say “What do you mean, how do you know about that?” and she says “Oh well Erica’s telling EVERYONE about it, she even printed out some of the xanga and is showing it to people and saying how you attacked her about gay marriage”…I really start to wonder. I honestly don’t see why this has to be a public affair. Yes, it’s posted on xanga and anyone can read it, that’s great, and I don’t have a problem with people reading it. But you and I know full well that NO one reads our xangas other than us and that there is really no reason why this argument has to be between anyone but you and me. I just don’t see why it has to be a public affair other than the reason that you need the support and approval of others to help you. And honestly, I don’t. And the problem is REALLY not that you’re talking about it. To be honest, I’m fine with you talking about it because I have no reason to feel ashamed and I stand by everything I say and if I can change more people’s minds then that’s great. But I DO have a problem with you telling lies and bitching about me for the sake of bitching. The only reason I can think of doing it for is that you don’t feel secure enough with your argument as it is and you need support. The fact that you NEED other people to support you to feel good about yourself is sad. To support you lies. That’s called backstabbing, my friend. And I LOVE how you’re trying to act like YOU’RE the moral, nice, innocent one. Just LOVE it.

Those are the only two things I feel uncomfortable about with our friendship. I’m just putting that out on the table. And I’m just not entirely sure if I want to be friends with a person like that.

So I drafted alot of possibilities of what to say and I tried to get advice from alot of mature adults about what to do in this situation. They all seemed to tell me that I can’t force tolerance and that I really need to just let go of this. So that’s what I tried to do. I tried to let it go. And I hoped that you might come to your senses on your own and admit that you’re being intolerant on your own. But I guess you didn’t.

So I don’t know where to go from here. I resolved to write just a small paragraph describing what I think about all of this, but as you can tell, I can’t really stick to just a paragraph.

There’s so much I feel like I need to tell you about you personally, and there’s so much I feel like I need to tell you about your beliefs, but I know that this is not the time right now to say them. Because I don’t want to be hypocritical because I’ve already stated that I’m not attacking you personally and because I feel right now that this back and forth bitching is not productive any longer.

I have repeatedly told you honestly how I feel.
I have repeatedly given you valid arguments and answers.
I have repeatedly asked YOU questions to which you have NOT responded.
I have repeatedly said this is NOT about gay marriage. This is NOT about politics. This is NOT about your religion. This is NOT about you. THIS IS ABOUT GAY TOLERANCE.
I have repeatedly said that I do not think a face to face confrontation is necessary or productive and given you reasons why.

The fact is that I can’t force tolerance upon you.

I can’t. And that’s what ALL of this is about. All of this.

So either you’re tolerant. Or you’re not. That’s all I’m talking about.

I don’t know what it is I want you to do and I don’t know what it is that I think that you’ll do. But like I said before about my sexuality, if you’re going to be intolerant of gays, I really don’t feel comfortable being your “best friend” knowing that you’re discriminating against me.

I hate to put it like this, but either you can tell me that what I’ve said has actually made some sort of tiny difference and that you aren’t actually intolerant of gays, in which case I would be glad to discuss our friendship and where it goes from here. Or you can at least admit that you are being intolerant of gay people and then I can try to discuss with you how that effects our friendship thus far. I mean, I’m good friends with ALOT of people who are intolerant of gays…it doesn’t necessarily make me not want to be your friend. Just understand that I’ll feel uncomfortable with you if I know that you don’t “agree” with my “lifestyle.” Or you can admit nothing at all and continue to be stubborn and evasive and drive this into the wall as well as what’s left of our friendship.

I can admit that yes you can have your opinions, but I’m not going to admit that I believe what you believe, which is why I feel like it’s unfair of me to ask you to believe what I believe. Which is exactly why I don’t know what to do. Which is exactly why I didn’t respond immediately, hoping that you would change your mind by yourself.

Yes, I do know that the past two things are contradictory, but there’s so many things that I feel that I feel like I have to try to express something. The point is I DO understand that I can’t force tolerance upon you. But at the same time, I don’t particularly feel like being so close that I know doesn’t “approve” of me or “my identity.”

Yes, I do know that I have not said that I’m a lesbian or even bisexual, but I don’t think the labels particularly matter, just know that yes, I am attracted to women. Like it or not. So do with that what you will.

In regards to everything else that you seem to think I’m doing wrong, about not admitting and not “confronting” you…I simply don’t see why that’s necessary.

And honestly, I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to be admitting to. I don’t see what I’ve done wrong. Am I supposed to admit that I should be intolerant? I don’t know what it is that I’m supposed to be sorry for. I don’t feel sorry. I feel sorry that our friendship is in shambles, but I don’t feel like it’s all on my shoulders and I’ve said that before. I’ve admitted before that this is not all your fault and that we have equally said some shitty things. What is it then, that I’m supposed to be admitting to?

I honestly feel like I’ve said all that I need to say. If you want to hear my rebuttal to your previous argument…I will give it…I’ve actually gotten it all written out, I just don’t feel like it’s necessary right now…and if you want me to tell you what I think of you personally…I will…but I don’t think either of those options will really do us any good at all.

And no, I don’t see how or why a face to face confrontation is necessary, or why all of the sudden it it’s my hands? You’re the one who thinks it’s a good idea, so if you want it you need to come up to ME, not the other way around. But honestly. I feel like I’ve said everything. I feel, personally, that a face to face confrontation will either lead to a yelling, screaming, highly unproductive fight…or I will just say the same things over and over again. What is it that you have to say that you can’t say to me online or on xanga? I mean not that I’m saying that I’m like against it because I’m afraid or something…I just don’t think it’s necessary.

If you want to talk to me about our friendship, then talk to me about our friendship, but other than that…what’s the point?

I don’t know what else to say. My mind is frazzled and all over the place and I realize that this long thing is not what I intended and not what I hoped it would be after days of planning it out. I also realize that some of the things I said may have been contradictory and that as much as I can’t force tolerance, I really am trying to. And I’m sorry, but I’m only human.

I can keep writing and keep writing and I probably will if I don’t stop myself, but I don’t see the point. All I want is one answer.

I’m trying to be as diplomatic as I can about all of this, but it’s hard to repress what I really feel. And I feel like of all people YOU should be the one admitting to something, not me. I’ll admit to anything. I’ll admit that I’ve been mean, harsh, and probably unnecessarily forceful about all of this. But what I want you to admit is what you really think. Regardless of all these worthless arguments, from both of us. What do you think.

You ARE entitled to your opinions, I just want to know what they are. Once and for all.

Are you tolerant of gays?
Are you intolerant of gays?
Or are you just plain stubborn?

That’s what this has been about since day 1. So can you give me some answers? I dont think that’s that difficult of a question.

Just answer me that, THEN we’ll talk.

Hmmm. My life is so interesting right now. I mean actually, interesting things are finally happening again.

And I realize why it is that times like these are SO rough. The mother fucking domino effect. You’re upset, and because you’re upset, you’re not focusing in class, becuse you’re not focusing, you get in trouble, now you’re upset AND in trouble and now you’re sick and since you’re sick and in trouble and upset you feel even worse and you interactions with everyone and everyone get worse and worse and rougher and rougher and it all just compiles and compiles and everyone’s true colors come out and you see they’re not all quite as you thought which upsets you even more and now you’re just mad at everything and everyone. It’s not even the actual situation that’s dragging you down, it’s the entire world…which is even worse. But actually, maybe I’m a little sadistic…I find it fascinating. I love committing to these painful moments and days and really feeling the emotion. I think I am a little messed up. Emotionally. But I find it fascinating how I’m handling this situation compared to a year ago. I just find life fascinating. In so many ways.

Plus my love life I find to be FASCINATING as well. For the first time in my ENTIRE life, I’m hesitant. I mean really, not my brain, my heart. Which I find fascinating. I really think that was Tommy’s purpose. Healed me up just enough after Campbell but left enough of a disappointment to leave the truth still dripping and oozing out of my heart. My heart has built a wall around itself for the first time in my life. I don’t know how much I like it, but it’s a feeling that’s completely foreign to me. Being SO incredibly attracted to him and SO intrigued and not letting myself commit. My heart stopping me and not letting me get close. For alot of people, that’s a problem…but for me…that’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard. As much as this experience with him is SO annoying in other reasons, I find it an incredible new adventure for me…playing with reality.

But honestly. I really am so very, incredibly attracted to him. In a really really bizarre way…I mean it’s not really sexual…but it’s not love or anything like that either. It’s not like “I want to jump his bones and be on top of him right now” and its not like “Wow this guy is so awesome”…I have so many speculations about him…but jesus christ, when he looks into my eyes…boy I am the worst sucker for blue eyes.

The only thing I can’t handle is this freaking agony. Wondering what he means, what that meant, not knowing a thing and just being a victim to his every whim. But this time, I actually have a wall, I just won’t let myself wonder. I’ve had 6 years straight of wondering what the fuck that guy just meant by that. And competing with HER is absolutely unbearable. So there’s that wall. That beautiful fucking wall. And that terrible terrible wall…because those eyes are so damn beautiful.

See. Isn’t life fascinating?

BRING IT ON.

Anyway anyway. Today was fine. LONG. long long. First period was scene and i watched people’s monologues and then we did a funny improv exercise. then second period tried to fix the presentation. then 3rd was french and like WTF. she like gave us a pop oral midterm…not only was it pop…but it was the dumbest thing ever. you had to draw a piece of paper and answer the question on it in french in front of the whole class. now that may sound fine, but we’re in french 4h and we don’t really need to prove the fact that we can speak in french…obviously we can all speak french…and the worst part was the actual questions. they would be like “Do you think there’s too much violence in the american media and how do you think we can amend that and do you think it’s the parent’s fault for not monitoring it or the governments fault and how do you think that effects a child’s physche”…which is a fine question in a philosophy class…but not only does it have NOTHING to do with what we’ve learned this year…but you end up spending the whole time trying to think of an answer to the actual question instead of trying to speak well in french and we don’t know the vocabulary for alot of these random philosophical questions…it just didn’t make any sense at all. I kind of wanted to shoot her. Then during activities randomly bobby sat with me at the tables and we did homework together…this boy is so weird…and he was working on a paper against drugs and not legalizing pot…voluntarily…and I was just like…Who are you? And why have I never met you before?

Then video um. we watched a sort of cool short film. then english i almost felt like i was going to burst out of my skin i was feeling so many things. mostly pleasure and irony. i was just like in this out of body weird trance where i wasn’t even actually applying anything to the scarlet letter at all and i was just like HELL YEAH dimmesdale can’t even admit that he’s wrong YEAH and his sermons don’t have any substance BWAHHA. It was kind of scary. But pleasing I guess. and then math was just like ahhhg et me out of here i havent eaten all day and ive had like 2 hours of sleep and im dying. no matter how many art classes i take, i cant stop thinking that high school is BULLSHIT. then double physics i sort of wanted to slice out my eyes and eat them. i was sooo exhausted and we just did notes for an hour and a half. at least i had elisa to flip out about spring awakening with.

i dont’ remember after school. yeah not really. then rehearsal was interesting. kind of. i dont know. we danced and stuff. i enjoyed normandy becuase i get to do a little ballet thing and have a little solo part but then other than that i was sort of bored and exhausted. and then after rehearsal we were the only ones left in the theatre for a bit but not as long as last time, but still…at this random point he just stared at me and then grabbed me around the waist and ran me across the stage like with me like flipped over him in this really really weird position and it was the first time we had ever really touched really and i realized i didn’t really want to let go…anyway…at the end we had to turn all the lights off and we sort of stared at each other in the dark for a little bit and then turned the lights back on and said goodnight and then turned the lights back off and left. we are very very bizarre.

Anyway…the whole idiotic intolerance of the entire school is really starting to get to me. it’s been a week and people are STILL making dumb comments.

Like today in Physics someone said something dumb and someone else was like “OMG are you calling Ms. Haberle a lesbian?” and I practically screamed at the whole class “Would it be bad or different if she was?” and they basically all shut up. Then someone else made a comment later and I did the same thing again and Laura Goiten just kind of smiled at me, becuase while it’s not really public, I believe she’s bisexual. I feel good about myself. I mean I should learn to control myself a little more, but really, I’m standing up for something I really believe in and I’m not afraid.

So this is to everyone who discriminates for whatever reason at all.

Sooo. Today was really interesting. Really really interesting. This whole past week has been fascinating…horrible horrible things scattered with really beautiful moments that almost seem to make up for the horrors. That’s really the way you have to live life. And alot of really incredible things that come out of awful circumstances.

Yesterday was UGH. That’s the only word for it. I was so so sick. Physically and emotionally sick and I hadn’t gotten any sleep all weekend and I was stressed out and on my period and SO not wanting to spend 7 hours stuck in the theatre…yeah. Rehearsal on our national holiday from 10 to 5 with no lunch break or anything. So I get there and I’m about 45 minutes in and we’re all on stage doing the big ensemble number and I’m up on the set and I literally feel myself getting sick and so I sprint off stage and to the bathroom and throw up for the next like half hour. It was so not pleasing. I had never thrown up like in a public situation like that…and I felt sooo sick after that and I wasn’t sure if I was gonna throw up again so I went to Bogie and asked him weirdly and awkwardly if I could lie down because I just threw up. And so he kicked Joe and Whitt off the couch and I got to sleep on the couch…which sounds like it would be enjoyable…but it really really wasn’t. Being in front of everyone, everyone singing in your ear, people walking all around you and asking you what’s wrong all the while you feel SO awful and completely overwhelmed by everything in your life. And then I was just randomly overtaken by a sweep of sadness…missing Ms. Ohm…I don’t hardly think about her as much as I would have thought I would…but I suddenly felt myself sitting in her theatre and looking next to me and seeing some imposter sitting in her chair and I suddenly hated Bogie and painfully, painfully missed Ms. Ohm. And the me that existed when she was here. So then I started silently crying to myself while I was “sleeping.” It was a very strange experience. But then awesome Elisa knew that listening to Spring Awakening would cheer me up and so she gave me her iPod. And the weirdest part of it all…is that it worked. I mean it really worked. I layed there for an hour straight (that’s how long the soundtrack is) with my eyes closed in a sort of half asleep, half concious murmur listening to all of Spring Awakening straight through…and honestly, Lea Michele and Gallagher and Groff seriously made me feel better…just having the comfort of those voices in my ears in a world where everything is falling apart. I find that amazing that Spring Awakening actually cured my sickness. I mean the entire first act I was like in agony listening to it…but once it got to Whispering I actually felt myself regaining strength and by Purple Summer I was completely fine. That could also be the fact that I was resting, but really, I’m gonna say it was Spring Awakening and the amazing healing powers of Groff’s voice. In the mess of all this chaos…I’ve found a constant. Spring Awakening.

Anyway. The rest of rehearsal was boring. Long. Confusing. Annoying. Tiresome. And lots of good reading.

Anyway. That was sort of random. Today was really really intense. Like just alot of work and stress and nerves and weird feelings and shit. I was really late to french class 2nd period and ugh it’s a long story but basically I sort of fucked up my french oral midterm and it was not my fault at all. It was unfair. Then physics was boring as hell. Then to GSA. That was taking away my lunch but I didn’t care…I so so wanted to be in GSA today. And it felt SO good to be there. And I was sitting next to Bush and so I sort of told him about my predicament vaguely and asked for advice and he said something that no one had really said to me yet which I found was helpful that “You can’t force tolerance, and attempting to force tolerance only brings out the persons’ insecurities and stubbornness even more.” I love Bush I really do. I brought up the topic to everyone of what everyone had seemed to be hearing in response to the assembly and I loved having the discussion with them all. Wow I really felt like I belonged somewhere. It felt good. That’s how I’d like to spend my activities period. Then video I walked in and I had TOTALLY TOTALLY forgotten that we were having a test today. Not just a test. THE test. Seriously the ONLY test we’ve taken in video the entire year. And it was on north by northwest so it just sucked that I had forgotten and didn’t study becuase I could have known it. Ugh. Not enjoyable. Then English was HIGHLY enjoyable. I loved hearing everyone’s presentations. Loved loved loved. For a few reasons. Actually, mostly for one, hah. The presenters didn’t even know what joy they were bringing me. I can’t wait to see how INCREDIBLY awkward it’s going to be tomorrow with our presentation. Then math we had murphy subbing, which is a killjoy for anyday. I actually managed to spend the whole day reading Angels In America without getting caught though. I’m almost almost done. Then during my free period I went up with mark and miles and jen for a snack. and then i started getting really nervous for my monologue. as far as I’ve come this year, with nerves, I still get really nervous before a monologue…especially this one…since it was challenging for me and Bogie had already put pressure on me to do well.  Once we got into class though, I was actually the first one to volunteer…and I’m so glad I got it over with. It wasn’t that awful. And Bogie told  me that I would be perfect for the part of Harper and that he hopes I get to do Angels in America someday which actually meant a whole lot to me. I really really really REALLY love this play. Like with my whole heart. Not even in like an “i love this” way…but like in a “holy shit this is one of the greatest things i’ve EVER read in my ENTIRE life” sort of ways. Especially if you read it, not just see it…I mean really read it and give it the attention it deserves. It’s fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

Anyway. So yeah. I’m REALLLLY ensconsed in and loving Angels in America. It’s BEAUTIFUL. I can’t wait to watch the HBO version once I’m done reading it.

Anyway. This is all besides the point. The point is…class ended…and I didn’t want to go to the tables…so I stayed in the theatre and like wow. I don’t even know where to begin. Katie Baker actually gave me like the most fulfilling and redeeming moment in the past week. Like I can’t stop thinking about it. She said she had like randomly read my entire xanga and just…the feedback she gave me not only made me feel like what I had done had merit, but it like sky rocketed my respect for Christianity through the roof. Like honestly. I know some pretty exemplary Christians and some really shitty ones. I feel like Katie Baker, Kiala and my mom are amazing living examples of what Christianity should be. And then so many people twist it and use it as a weapon or as some way of elevating themselves…that’s the only point where I begin to get skeptical…when people misuse Christianity…but I really feel like those 3 people so represent what Christians should really be. I mean, they’re just examples and I can’t really say that becuase I don’t REALLY know them and their EXACT beliefs, that’s just how I feel.

And THEN something even more interesting happened. One of the most interesting that’s happened to me in a long, long time. So in the midst of all our talk about this tolerance business, Christina randomly asked me to go talk to her outside…and so I went outside and she just…opened up…I mean quite literally, opened up. There are moments, where I swear I can see Christina’s soul. She’s the only person that I have this exact relationship with. I guess most people would just think she was complaining or being annoying crying…but I really really connected with her…on another level. I’m not really sure if she wants me to repeat what she said on here…but she was saying the things that I LEAST expected…things I was really surprised about. Saying how she doesn’t feel she has a purpose in this world and how she thinks she’s meaningless and how she’s doesn’t see a point in living…I had no idea what to say. Honestly…I had no idea what to do. And she started crying and I just…I don’t know…maybe I’m a sucker…but maybe not…there’s only a couple moments where this has happened…but when it has…I find it incredibly rewarding…moments where I genuinely feel responsive…where I actually feel like I’m listening to another human being tell her soul…and where I’m not judging her…and where another human is actually speaking honestly to me. And for a good 5 or 6 minutes…she was saying these terrifyingly honest things and I really had no idea what to say in response…but I didn’t think she was being overdramatic at all…I felt like she was truly feeling emotion, and for whatever reason it was completely real and completely human and it was fascinating..until this beautiful moment where I almost felt her human shell just break apart all together…and she actually went off into this sort of beautiful poetry…about reality and dreams and about wanting to live in dreams and about creating alternate worlds for yourself where everything is actually beautiful and harmonized….I don’t even remember it…but it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever heard a person say to me…just on the spot…thoughts spilling from their head…and I just started crying. Just real, real tears…It was one of the most genuine moments of my life…and I finally knew what to say…because it was completely completely honest becuase I was genuinely feeling so much pure emotion for this girl and I gave her the most passionate hug and all I said was I love you more than you could know…you are a truly beautiful person…but I actually, wholly and fully and completely meant it…every syllable…and we both knew it…and that was enough. It was actually one of the most incredible moments of my life. Just SO genuine I can’t even express in words. It becomes too abstract for words. And then we realized that we had completely forgotten about rehearsal and that we were both crying all over each other…so we sort of had to stumble our way back in crying. I loved all the random looks from people…and like are you okay? And I wanted to say yes, I’ve just had a highly spiritual connection with someone and it brought tears to my eyes.

I don’t think I have THAT honest of a relationship with anyone else but Christina…and I don’t know why it is. It’s some deep spiritual connection that I can’t even verbalize. I don’t even consider her one of my best friends…I don’t know what it is.

link_the_dark_15_by_Tsuki_Hime

Those are my christina icons…for how she was feeling. i know i’m weird. i just though they applied.

Anyway. Then we went back to rehearsal. Ugh. Did opening for a princess and then basically sat there reading angels in america for 2 and a half hours. bogie was pissing me off and so was margretta.

I come home exhausted and overwhelmed and so fed up…and then I realize I had two incredibly beautiful moments. I really should focus on that…and not all the other bullshit. That’s not what life is about…it’s about the moments that color the hours.

This WHOLE experience of the past week is opening me up and cutting me and rearranging me in ways I could never have predicted. BRING IT ON. BRING IT ON LIFE.

Well. So that was my day. I’m ready to keep trekking through.

BRING IT ON.

472473
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RickSuchenski: i am not giving up on ourr relationship
Spice Merkvits: ok
RickSuchenski: because mom and i are not together does not have to have anything to do with us
RickSuchenski: that is a choice
RickSuchenski: so do you want to get together?
Spice Merkvits: duno
RickSuchenski: well…figure it out.
RickSuchenski: i am here and want to see you.

RickSuchenski: I want to have a relationship with you.  It is your choice.

RickSuchenski: The question isn’t why do I want to see you.  The question is why don’t you want to see me?
RickSuchenski: It is time for everyone to move forward.
RickSuchenski: Your choice.

HOW THE FUCK IS IT MY CHOICE YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO…OH FUCK YOU.

I’M SO SICK OF DUMB DUMB SELFISH PEOPLE.

The whole time I was writing that I thought it was the right thing to do and say…but once I posted it, it feels a little empty. Because I know that I’m not going to ever change your mind going back and forth and back and forth. And the point really is that I really want to change your mind. And the fact is that after ALLLL of this, it’s going to take a really, really, really, really big person to admit that they’re wrong. And I know how stubborn you are. But I do feel like it was right to stand by my word and to defend myself against what you recently said. But I also admit that I don’t think that it’s necessarily going to help to war, maybe I’ll keep winning the battles, but I’m not going to win the war like this ultimately. And I just want you to admit that you’re being intolerant. That’s all. Being intolerant of a gay lifestyle. Whatever it is that you want to call it. I mean maybe you don’t even have to admit that being intolerant is wrong, but just that you ARE, in fact, being intolerant. So that you can then decide FOR yourself if what you really want to be is intolerant and then how to go about changing that for yourself. Because I don’t want you to be intolerant and I don’t want others to see you as intolerant and I want to help fight intolerance as much as I can. I don’t really know what else to say. Other than this is one of the most draining and difficult ordeals I’ve ever been through and I wish it was over…and I’m not going to hasten the process by continuing to piss you off. I don’t know if saying that helps, but I’m pretty sure it’s the truth. So I don’t know, what I want is for you to be really really mature and admit that you’re intolerant. But I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know how mature you are. I guess I have to wait and see.

My initial reaction to this was to not respond. Beucase I think this is
all bullshit, because I’m really really sick and tired of writing 8
page defenses and because I think you’re not actually saying anything
worthwhile. But then I remembered that what I said was that I was not
going to back down, and I’m going to stand by my word no matter how
much don’t want to hear it. If you were as openminded as you preach to
be, you would be open to this argument. But you’re not. So whatever.
I’ll continue to do what I’m doing until I think that I’ve made a
difference. I’m not going to pretend like I’m above fighting and
neither should you. We’ve both said a lot of shit and you can’t back
away from that now.

My main and huge argument with everything
you said just recently is: WHAT IS THIS GAY LIFESTYLE OF WHICH YOU
SPEAK AND HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

That
is my question. You realize that you actually are being intolerant and
the only way out of it is to change the word and “oh maybe Lauren won’t
notice because “gay lifestyle” seems to sound more political” when
really…it’s not. It’s a dumb phrase. What does that MEAN. WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN. The “gay lifestyle” is EXACTLY what I was talking about.
That’s what I was talking about. Being gay. Being gay.

Some of
what you say is completely ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. And some
part of you should know that. And if not, you can reread everything
that’s been said and see that what you’re saying has no foundation. So
some things I’m not even going to respond to because I’m so tired of
this.

AND there’s a HUGE difference between saying that I
thought you were attacking me personally and saying that I take this
topic and argument very personally.

“And I don’t even want to share this with you now because I don’t even trust you now”

Why
is that such an awful thing to say? How can I trust you now when I’ve
been told that you went around behind my back after I went home and
bitched to EVERYONE about me? No I don’t trust you now after this whole
ordeal. Not that I don’t trust you as a person, but I don’t trust you
to keep and honor the thing that I was saying in that sentence. That
SENTENCE. It was a complete thought and you can’t cut it off halfway
through to prove a point. And no, it’s not devil’s spawn what I wrote.
What I wrote was that I was questioning my own sexuality after all of
this and THAT was why I was taking this whole argument so personally.
Is that that hard to understand? Is that that evil? Why is it that you
only commented on the first part of that sentence and the whole thing?
Because heaven forbid you accept the fact that all this stuff you’ve
been saying against gay people could actually also apply to me? Because
that’s gross? Whatever. Be brave and face the facts.

You hope
that if you can deter me enough from your original point and the
original argument that I’m suddenly going to give up my valid argument
and agree with you? What does this random, slightly once again
condescending rant about how I don’t understand Catholicism now have to
do with what I said. I was referring to the flaws in Christianity as a
whole, and in the flaws in the Bible, not whether or not you’re a
Christian or a Catholic. Does it really matter, if we’re talking about
the “religious issue.” So then what are you saying? The only thing I
can try to think is that you’re trying to get out of my blatant facts
by making a minor point that you’re Catholic and not Christian and that
somehow means that what I said did not pertain to you. If it’s not what
I was saying…then what EXACTLY is it in your “incomprehensible”
Catholic faith that prevents you from accepting gays OTHER than what is
in the Bible. Giving the Adam and Eve excuse is NOT exempting you from
saying it’s about the Bible. Yes. That’s the same Bible that I was
referring to talking about Christianity. That’s the same excuse. Only
it’s slightly more vague. And here is the question I pose. So what? So
what if that’s what “seems natural” because it’s a man and a woman.
Just because (and yes, I DO know the creation story, thanks for
clearing that one up for me too) god creating woman after man does not
inherently mean that that’s the ONLY way it’s supposed to be. That does
not mean that man cannot be with man and women cannot be with women.
Nothing in the Bible says THAT specifically so how is that a Catholic
faith argument that I somehow missed? I also don’t understand how you
can make the gay gene argument suddenly a fact because it’s your
opinion. I neither stated that it was a fact or a falsehood, merely
that it’s a theory currently unproven, so you really can’t say one
thing either way. You can’t say because I “believe” it’s untrue it is.

Not
saying that you can’t believe this, but I do find it interesting that
you said “so to say that god ‘made’ gay people is incorrect.” After you
had previously said “God made them.” You actually said both things.

Seriously going off on these religious tangents does not help your case. It just makes you sound condescending to me.

“i mean god made you and i.”

How
can you say that to me if I don’t believe in God? If I don’t believe in
your god. That’s not what I believe! That’s what you believe. Sorry.
You just can’t make assumptions like that.

“the universe was created by god so men and women would love each other, and live in peace.”

Love? Peace? Remind me again why gays are not in god’s plan for the world? Why do they not get the same love and peace?

“so
to say that it was god’s will to ‘create’ gay people is not only
somehting i would strongly disagree with, but also something that’s
physically impossible.”

The gene argument is not proven or
disproven! You can’t honestly say that it’s physically impossible. I
did not go so far to say that the gene argument was true, I said
neither I nor you can know for sure so you can’t make assumptions like
that.

So now you think after you’ve taken the Lord’s name in
vain and written offensive things, that now the good decision is to
write a vague religious argument because there’s no way to counter it
because it’s spiritual and it’s something you believe and I can’t
disprove your beliefs. Well the point of MY argument was that it was
not about the religious issue. That it doesn’t matter WHAT religion you
happen to be, that you should support WHOEVER is gay because that’s
right. You can’t say, I don’t believe it just because it’s in the
Bible, it’s for other mysterious “Catholic faith” reasons that you
couldn’t possibly understand and then go straight back to the Bible.
Can’t hide behind the Bible, babe. And suddenly you make it ALL about
the religious issue.

I gave my reasons why I think the Bible
excuse is faulty…and instead of saying why the Bible excuse is
right…you went off on some huge random tangent about creationism? Wtf?
As if I’ve never heard about it before…or as if I don’t know what your
“God” entails. I got it. I know what your “God” is. This is all besides
the point.

You initiated this by no, not attacking ME…I
specifically wrote 8 pages about why this was NOT about you OR me after
YOU used that boo-hoo don’t attack me argument YOURSELF…but by yes,
writing something that bashes my opinions on this topic. And if I think
your opinions are wrong, I do not think it’s inappropriate to tell you
why.

If you’re all “born into sin” then what the hell is the
point of it anyway. I’m sorry, but my defense would “attack” your
religion and I don’t want to be accused of “attacking” your religion
because so far I have not actually attacked your religion. The point
is, if we’re all “sinners”…and your religion is all about
“forgiveness”…then doesn’t that just cancel each other out? Then
shouldn’t you just “forgive” and “love” gay people regardless of their
“sin?” That’s what I said in my argument before and you seemed to
disregard it. I don’t understand how a religion like that can
function…thinking it’s doing good for everyone if not everyone believes
it. Are all people who are born Jewish sent immediately to hell just
because they don’t happen to follow your PARTICULAR religion even
though they all seem to preach the same basic principles? I don’t
understand. I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s off topic…but YOUR argument was
completely off topic so I think it’s justified.

Alright I’m
sorry. You don’t need to preach to me. Honestly, this argument,
disguised as a “Listen to me I’m in touch with God and you’re not” is
really just to distract the fact that this ISN’T an argument…it’s a
rant about your religion. And I’m sorry, but I was not fighting about
your religion. I fought against your argument in relation to the
Bible…but I NEVER EVER attacked your religion. So why are you trying to
“teach” me what your religion is all about?

That argument went about 50 different directions and I think you know that and I think you know why.

“i don’t condone a gay lifestyle. because i personally just don’t think it’s natural for people to be gay”

WHAT EXACTLY IS A “GAY LIFESTYLE” AND HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM BEING GAY?????!!!??!?
What
are you talking about!? You nor anyone else has ever defined to me what
a “gay lifestyle” is…and the fact that you deem it “gay lifestyle”
proves that you don’t think that it’s equal to yours. That somehow
their sexuality makes the way that they live their life (I’m not
talking literally, I’m talking figuratively) somehow different. And
what does that mean. I think you’re just using that and grouping it
with “gay marriage” (which, by the way, I went OUT of my way to say
that it not only wasn’t about gay marriage, but that I understand if
you don’t support gay marriage because that’s a political issue not an
ethical one) to make it sound like you’re suddenly talking about
something else. And now suddenly you DO support “gay people” and you
don’t support a “gay lifestyle.” First tell me what exactly a gay
lifestyle is, and then tell me how it’s different from a “gay life” or
a “gay person” and then try to make that argument.

“and being
able to form my own religious opinions, and not live word by word from
the bible or from catholicism…that doesn’t mean i’m a ‘bad
christian’… it means that i want my god to be PERSONAL.”

Your
original argument at the beginning, why it wasn’t about the bible was
because it was some aloof “Catholic” thing that didn’t have to do with
“Christian” things. And now it’s because of some “personal religious
opinion” well what and don’t give me some vague “it’s adam and eve not
adam and steve” or “creationism is good and you couldn’t possibly
understand it”

Let me clear something up. I UNDERSTAND your
religion. I UNDERSTAND IT. I don’t personally believe it. So stop
treating me like a child. I wouldn’t be making accusations about it if
I didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. I feel like I’m more
qualified to talk about “your” religion than you are to talk about “my”
beliefs because I was raised Christian, I up until THIS summer
considered myself a Christian and personally realized for myself that I
don’t BELIEVE in what I had been told and decided to look into a
variety of other things. You on the other hand, have been raised with
one belief, and as much as you may “question Catholism” you are very
much Catholic and regardless of that, you have never tried to open your
mind to supporting gays or gay tolerance, whereas I actually have tried
to open my mind to accepting Christianity.

It’s not some vague
mystical personal beliefs that we’re fighting over…it’s gay tolerance,
and gay intolerance only…and if there’s some unknown hidden “Catholic”
or “Erica” thing about your “beliefs”…please, by all means, enlighten
me…but don’t just ramble about the divinity of God and act like that’s
some sort of valid argument against me.

“so if you want me to just give you a lot of random quotes from the bible… i will.”

I’m
sorry, but I don’t feel like I gave you a lot of random quotes from the
Bible. I feel like I gave some valid points about using the Bible as a
defense mechanism for not accepting gays. Gays. Gay people. Gay
identity. Gay lifestyle. Whatever you want to call it. You know what
I’m saying so don’t try to act like the words mean different things.
Yeah and the rest of that quote just made no sense whatsoever so I
don’t even have a response to that.

“that’s how i really feel
about that. and if you can’t accept that as my view on god and on
religion…. and you can’t understand that it actually DOES play a role
in the way i perceive gay people… then please don’t argue with me.
becasue i just explained in more than enough detail my stance. that
should be enough.”

I’m really sorry, but I don’t know really at
all what it is that you said that was so helpful or groundbreaking. To
be honest I don’t really know what you said at all.

“HOW
AM I INTOLERANT AGAINST GAY PEOPLE? and acutally… it’s kind of
confusing how you say that i don’t view gays as people… but that i
just view them as an entity of GAYNESS. that’s ENTIRELY the opposite of
what i was trying to say. this arguemtn was not about PEOPLE. it was
about ACTIONS. LIFESTYLE. which i have EVERY right to disagree with.
strongly. so what you’re tyring to tell me… is that just becasue i
disagree with your ‘truth’… that i am intolerant? well is it not
blatnatly obvious how entirely hypocritical and intolerant that
sounds?? descrimination? explain please. never NEVER did i say i
descriminated against gay people. DISAGREEING AND NOT SUPPORTING A LIFE
STYLE IS NOT THE SAME AS HATING, DESCRIMINATING, OR DISRESPECTING A
PERSON! i’m tired of saying it. but that is the only so called ‘TRUTH’
in this.”

You really don’t get what I said at all and that
really upsets me. I really really do think that you are intolerant of
gay people if you continue to sit there and say that you disagree
strongly with their actions and lifestyle. That’s people. You’re trying
to say that I’m talking about who they are as individuals. I
SPECIFICALLY said I wasn’t talking about individuals. I’m saying their
identity AS gay person. Their identity in that they are gay. You’re not
making a point you’re just proving MINE. That you AREN’T tolerant. That
you’re trying to say that you’re tolerant now and have been tolerant
all along of “gay people” but not of “gay lifestyle.” WHAT IS THE
DIFFERENCE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. YES. I think the fact that you
“strongly disagree” with a “gay lifestyle” is discrimination and
disrespect.

“but just to let you know i am NOT intolerant. if
the way you’re using “intolerance” means not accepting a gay lifestyle.
just like i don’t accept other types of lifestyles. and just as i’m
sure YOU too don’t accept other lifestyles.. then sure call me
intolerant. but if you’re talking about PEOPLE. PEOPLE as
INDIVIDUALS… not PEOPLE as GAYS… than i am in NO way intolerant.
show me where i said i viewed actual GAY INDIVIDUALS as lesser parts of
our species. until you can show me that, your arguement holds no
precedence.”
Omg. WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS GAY LIFESTYLE THAT YOU’RE
TALKING ABOUT AND HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM GAY PEOPLE? No. No. No. I
said QUITE specifically that I WASN’T making broad statements about who
they were as individuals. But YES. To discriminate against a PERSON for
a part of their identity, for their sexuality, for their “lifestyle” as
you call it now, yes, I do think that’s intolerant and yes I do think
that it’s wrong to be intolerant. You’re either
‘””I just
don’t…I’m not even fully sure if you really believe all those things
you said…or if you just said them because they were the only kind of
argument you had.”
what??? so now you’re tyring to tell me i don’t even BELIEVE what i’m saying”
Again
with assumptions. That was referring to the fact that I hoped you
didn’t actually want to stand by the argument you were giving, the
biased, hateful argument you were giving. NOTHING there said anything
about how you were raised.
“alienated among people who think i’m intolerant becasue they are mindless? quite possibly.”
HAH.
You earlier tried to defend your remark about being mindless and then
use it AGAIN. Classic. Classic. Really good job there.
“was that you had no value whatsoever or respect for my emotions.”
I
don’t see how you can say that when you did it first to me. No. You did
not write it DIRECTED at me, however you know that I read your xanga
and that I’m one of the only people that reads your xanga and that if
you write something scathing like that, I’m GOING to read it. It was
almost definitely subconsciously directed at me.
“first off all… for you to write a ‘fourteen page essay’ about ME”
Yup.
Here we go again…making it ALLLLL about you. The essay was NOT about
you. The essay was about gay tolerance and if you make me say that one
more time…I…..Omg.
“when i never wrote anything about YOU!!!.. i
wrote about ME and the way the I was treated. if you don’t want
something to personal… well gee i don’t know.. don’t put my NAME in
the title of the essay, for starters. “
Hahahahahah. I’m not even going to say it because you know what I’m going to say and if you don’t then I’m sorry.
“nd
does it really show any bravery or resoluteness on your part to write
this big bad essay about me online? think about that. why’d you do it
lauren? was it because you didn’t have the courage to say any of this
to my face?”
Um. No. It’s because I wasn’t with you…and there was no
way I was going to get to you to say it to your face. And I also stated
at the beginning WHY I did it the way I did. So that I could calm down
and not just spout off angry nonsense at you and actually calmly
assemble my thoughts into something well founded for you to read. And
yes, for ANYONE to read. Because the more people I can help to change,
the better. I would love for anyone and everyone to read what I wrote
because I do FIRMLY stand by it and what it means and I hope that
anyone could actually think about what I said. And um. Duh. Your “big
bad” stuff was all written online too. What’s the argument there?
“was
it because maybe you didn’t even believe what you were saying enough to
speak those very words? or was it just because it’s easier to rip apart
somebody with words instead of using your ACTIONS… actions, such as
confronting me directly about this…? and NOT having to go to other
people and then send them on their way to put their two cents into
this.”
This is sort of the most amusing stuff I’ve ever read. I
didn’t want to bring this up because I didn’t feel the need to make
this about anything other than you and your opinions, but on Friday,
before I posted this I got into a RAVING debate with everyone in my
advisor group about this. Amy was there and she can vouch for me. I
argued against all the people there because I believed it was right.
And even though me and Amy were the only ones on my side, I stood up to
them all because what I said actually had merit. And I also saw that
when I verbalized it, it didn’t often come out the way I wanted it to.
But I feel that way about anything and everything. I don’t verbalize
very well. And the way my mind works so all over the place, I knew if I
wanted to say something coherent to you, the best way would be to write
it down. And what are you talking about confronting you? May I remind
you that YOU never said anything to me on Friday either. We never saw
each other and there was no reason I was going to see you over the
weekend so why is it so unreasonable to write it all down for you? I
don’t understand this argument either.
And yes. Because the ENTIRE
argument is online for the ENTIRE world to see. Time stamped and
everything. And since I strongly believe everything I said, I have
nothing to hide and I have no reason to be ashamed. Anyone can read it,
go for it.
Can you say that for yourself? If you thought
EVERYTHING you said was true and well founded, you wouldn’t have a
problem with anyone saying anything about any argument of yours. So why
is it that you’re now complaining about other people who have read ALL
the evidence and are on my side?
HAH. I find it soooo funny that you
keep acting so innocent. Now, I cannot be held completely accountable
for this…no offense to Amy…but there’s no way to know if this is the
COMPLETE truth because it’s just word of mouth…but Amy said that after
I went home on Friday you went to everyone and complained and bitched
to them about how I had attacked you and your beliefs…now who’s
bringing other people in on it? If you felt so strongly about yourself,
you wouldn’t need to make a disclaimer for everyone, you could let your
words stand for themselves…and I do know that you said something that
was not completely unbiased to Jeremy because of the way he treated me
without even having known the full situation…so no I cannot say that
this “going behind my back and complaining to everyone” is a complete
fact because I don’t have proof…but considering you complain to
everyone about EVERYTHING else…I don’t see why it would be so hard to
believe. AND I don’t see why I can’t just ask anyone else and get the
truth. And the fact is, you know in your heart if you said anything to
anyone that was not necessary, and if you do know in your heart and you
argue this point against me, then there is something wrong with you.
Yeah
and because if we talk face to face it’s SO easy to twist words.
There’s no proof of who said what. Are you really that afraid of me
having proof of what you said?
Oh and I like how you again throw in
a little thing to Amy, probably because at this point you think she’s
reading all of this and she’ll get pissed off and side with you at that
snide little comment. Again. I don’t have to bring anyone else into my
argument, and you do, I wonder why that is.
“you TOTALLY misinterpreted my argument. and even misinterpreted the fact that it WAS an argument. against YOU”
Hahaha.
This really is getting comical. Like I honestly don’t know why you’re
making these kinds of arguments when the facts against you are RIGHT
there on the page. And even if you try to delete them or change them on
the site, I have the original text all saved on my hard drive. I was
the one who said that this was an argument about gay tolerance. YOU
were the one who said it was a personal attack. I said that I take this
topic very
“i never said anything about gays as PEOPLE… i jsut don’t support the LIFESTYLE.”
I
said, in fact, it was about “gay people” not gays AS people. That
doesn’t even make sense. How could I fight for a group of anonymous
individuals and their character? I was talking, actually, about the GAY
LIFESTYLE which you are against. Just because you change the word
doesn’t cancel out everything you’ve said and suddenly make you
tolerant.
“becasue of a few paragraphs that i wrote that you totally misinterpreted in the first place”
How did I misinterpret them? Tell me, instead what you meant by what you said?
“feeling overcome by a direct hate by somebody i thought cared enough about me to not mock me publicly.”
When
on earth did I ever say I had a direct hate for you? Seriously. You
exaggerate SOOO much it’s scary. I did not mock you publicly! As I
recall, you are the one who mocked my publicly to my friends. I argued
with you on our respective xangas. YOU “publicly” wrote just as much
shit about me and I “publicly” did about you, so you really can stop
that now.
“and you claim that the only reason you did this is becasue you ‘cared about me’”
I
never claimed that the only reason I did this was because I cared about
you. What I said is that I wouldn’t have made such a big deal about
this to someone I didn’t care about. The reason I did this was because
I believed I was right and I really, really, really hoped I could
change your mind. Guess not.
“but somebody who cares about someody else doesn’t do this behind their back. posting it online.”
How
is posting something online doing it behind your back? I’ve already
listed the reasons why I wrote it down. Did you want me to IM you with
it so that it came it weird huge paragraphs or did you want to get into
a pointless fight back and forth with me. Or did you possibly want to
do it on AIM so that there wouldn’t be proof for anyone else to read
about how intolerant you’ve been.
“before you do something as
drastic and headstrong and really, just heartless, as to write a
fourteen page long essay degrading them. and don’t just say this was
‘not attacking you but your opinions and your intolerance.’ because
that’s not true and you know it.”
I don’t understand. How is writing
down my opinions heartless, headstrong, and drastic? The reason it was
so long was because I had A LOT to say and I actually didn’t want to
make a vague, factless argument and actually wanted something backed up
to every degree I could think of so that there were no holes in it.
Again
again again instead of posing a counterpoint to my argument you just
try to say why this is about our friendship, why this whole thing is
dumb, and why creationism is good.
“and i just ‘answered’.. i feel
a majority of what you wanted me to answer. if not, it was because i
really don’t have the time to write this all up online.”
No. No you
didn’t. I specifically posed questions to you and you didn’t answer
them. Online is not an excuse. If you don’t have the time to write it
up online, where do you have the time for it?
“el now, as if i’ve
not only ‘answered’ the questions you’ve asked me… but i’ve also
propsed a few ideas that might just resolve this for us… or at least
get us on that type of track… “
What few ideas did you propose? A
face to face confrontation? Honestly I don’t know why talking about
this face to face will be any different except that there is no time to
cool off and gather your thoughts and it will most likely tumble into a
yelling fight that is just fueled by anger and not much else. Every
time I read something you wrote I was very angry and annoyed and I
would wait hours and hours to calm down and gather my thoughts before
saying my next response. And even that didn’t come out completely
calmly and unbiased. Personally, I think a face to face confrontation
would be a complete disaster. That’s just my personal opinion.
Let
me clear something up, I don’t quote you to make you feel bad. I quote
you because I want both you and I to know what it is I’m exactly
talking about and what was ACTUALLY said before saying something so
that I can’t hide behind vague arguments and manipulations of words. If
you feel bad, it’s most likely because you end up feeling bad about
what you wrote. If you REALLY believed everything you said and you
REALLY believed that everything I said was wrong, you would have no
problem with me quoting and arguing with you because you would have a
valid response to it other than “stop attacking me” “you’re hurting me”
or “you’re misinterpreting me.” I think everything is pretty blatant
and that I really haven’t misinterpreted anything you’ve said. But I
guess I’m biased.
i won’t mention the ‘ball being in your court
now’… or the ‘decision being up to you’… but i will resign myself
from this arguement.
So I gave you that option and you chose to choose nothing? How much good does that do us?
Erica.
I swear. The ONLY thing I’m fighting and the only thing I’ve been
fighting from the very beginning is GAY TOLERANCE. That’s ALL I want. I
don’t want to defeat you. I don’t want you to cry. I don’t want to end
our friendship. I just want you to be tolerant of gays. Of “gay
people.” Of people with a “gay identity.” Of a “gay lifestyle.” I never
said anything about gay marriage. I’m talking about GAY. TOLERANCE.
GAY. TOLERANCE. GAY. TOLERANCE. How many more times do I need to say it
before you get it?

It’s three in the morning and I don’t
actually feel like it’s wrong of me to continue to argue my point if I
strongly believe in and you still aren’t seeing my point. So if you
want to continue to talk about random bullshit and try to make this
into something its not, I’ll keep going at you, but this is all I have
to say:

THIS. IS. ABOUT. GAY. TOLERANCE. GAY. TOLERANCE. GAY. TOLERANCE.

Until
you can get that…and until you can at least open your mind to my point
of view, or try to talk about some productive way of ending this, I’m
not going to give up. Sorry.