O my goodness wow. My first ever mental breakdown. Well that certainly was an experience. Like two and a half years of sorrow scratching and clawing to get out of my body as fast as it could. Consciousness, desire, pain and heartbreak at last on the same level…swirling around in some dark pit too deep to ever touch…at last dousing your body and memory and soul in its flames. Hot piercing flames. My mind and body on separate terrains and all the fluids in my body seeming to rush out of my face at every angle. A fight for freedom at last. The inner pain finally meeting the air. An intensely pain freedom. I actually felt my joints banging together and hammering away at one another…danger locking doors and all at once the inner most darkness coloring the walls. You can feel the blood coursing through you. The dirty, infected, insane blood. Coughing up spit and crying out of the flesh on my face. Naked and alone and screaming just to make a sound in the universe. Screaming so loud and so hard and so with every molecule in your body that you feel every nerve quake and every follicle shiver as if about to burst. Surely, pain does not wash away with time. It numbs and it bleeds and it screams and it fights and it escapes at long last. Flaring it’s true colors at long last. All the shrill tears that compile the bodies of water that clog up your heart…the dam is broken. Painfully real. Painfully free. And painfully literal. Screaming.
And for a moment. You lose your mind. And then you are quite peacefully, and eternally free.
Then slammed back to reality. And there is your diluted, twisted, miraculous mind. Beating your heart without puppet strings. The heart is numb. Pale and thoughtless. But powerful. The mind. A weak victim of the human condition.
Painfully eliminating pain.
The logistics of pain…deep buried pain…is so intensely intricate…it takes years to hide…and a moment to release. In one moment a release of all the true inner anguish.
That’s not a metaphor. That’s literal. Literal pain drenching you in agony. And freedom.
The inner sorrow and bites and claws…releasing it is intensely painful. Intensely cleansing. The out I’ve been looking for for years. Literally.
I wonder why they call it a mental breakdown…it’s really more like a release of pain. A mental release.
No wonder I’m so fucked up.
I’m human. I am real.
Not a china doll.
I breathe dust.
And I exhale.
When pain clouds the mind, the heart anchors. Oh my heart is an anchor. Screaming lets it roam.