There is quite literally an unbelievable amount to write. It’s really insane. My mind is ALL over the place. Ugh.
So school. Had a late opening which was nice. Got to sleep. Then came in and french…and I did so badly in french and on the midterm…i’m so thoroughly annoyed about that…it’s ridiculous. the midterm and freaking oral thing was SO wholly unfair. I sat there genuinely wanting so badly to whip a microphone out of my oxford and start belting out the bitch of living and stamping my feet. how does this accurately evaluate me? Reduce us all to numbers. Meat to be butchered. Only so much matter that amounts to a certain grade. The whole system fails me. It just sucks because I have nothing really to hide behind any more. I never did any work so that I could say that I’m not living up to my full potential and that I COULD do well if I tried…and now I’m trying…not enough…but at least trying…and my grades aren’t much better than they were last year. Ive resigned myself to the fact that with my high school career…I’ve done the best I can. Not in that I’ve put forth ALL of my effort. But that I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I only have so much effort. Only so much motivation. And my personal life takes precedence over any work for me. And that’s what I have. And so yeah…I’ve done the best I can. And to me, it’s bullshit. A random selection of questions graded by a biased middle aged adult and reduced to a single number does not place me in a certain frame of intelligence. I am intelligent. I don’t get good grades. Boohoo. Who gives a fuck anymore. What I’m supposed to work my ass off and do all this bullshit that I don’t give a fuck about just to get into a certain college so that I can work my ass off for another four years so that I can go into some office job? Sorry that just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want to be a lawyer, I don’t want to be a doctor, I don’t want to be anything. And my mom has made it clear to me that we can’t really afford to send me to college and that dad is not going to be willing to pay for it…so I have no idea what I’m going to do. NO IDEA. It’s not that easy for all of us all of you narrow minded assholes who think that I should spend EVERY minute of my youth studying for some bullshit subject I don’t care about and all of you who all cry everytime you don’t get a freaking 95 on your AP Bio test or whatever the hell because heaven forbid you get one grade that isn’t up to par you won’t be accepted to your crazy white ivy league school. Whatever. But no. I don’t think its fair that my intelligence is measured by a random series of tests, numbers and grades. It is never an adeqete form of judgement. There are SO many variables that go into that “number.” Basically…any grade for a test given has is really compiled by 4% intuition, 76% how much you studied for it, 22% exhaustion, sleep depravity, frustration, malnutrition and other personal problems going on in your life, 7% how ridiculous and biased the teacher is in grading it or making it and 1% sheer intelligence. You can get perfect grades if you spend ALL day and all night studying…and there are so many people with straight A’s who just study and are dumb as rocks…and people like me who don’t study for a second and don’t get straight A’s…but that in NO way means I’m dumb. Ugh.
The point was. I don’t know. French is sucking. Then physics we took notes and such. Then free went up to the cafeteria with the gang. they’re weird people. then video we watched IMMENSELY sketchy movies. seriously. then english ms p is a crack whore. did badly in english too which was annoying too. math was blah. blah. grades bad too. ugh. then advanced scene was kind of cool. we talked about angels in america which i’m like so immensely excited about. getting to read, analyse, present, perform and watch angels in america is like heaven. it’d be like reading harry potter in english class. way exciting. i think i’ve gotten through the hardest part of advanced scene…the rest of the year is going to be angels in america and producing this play for the seniors. so on the whole it should be fun. then last period i sort of slept and talked to cchoi for a bit. pleasing. cchoi feels like this little part of the musical thats grown up but always stayed the same. sometimes i just sit there and remember the little boy that was in west side story…aw baby john…and realize how much he’s grown up…it’s sort of incredible and adorable and sweet. i will always love cchoi. kind of like a little brother. and it becomes more and more apparent to me how much more fitting he is for the jester instead of me. he’s perfect. so yeah. good stuff.
Rehearsal. yeah. no words. it kind of upsets me. because im realizing that this experience is only happening once. my last musical with these people. your high school musicals are supposed to be the best memories of all. and bogie is sucking everything out of it. and margretta is making me want to slap someone. it’s disappointing but…what can you do? try to make the best of it i suppose. that’s why i’m listening to the mattress soundtrack for the FIRST time right now. trying to get in the spirit. sigh. bogie has LOST it though. roping off parts of the theatre. ugh.
apart from that. the boy is quite adorable. i’m enjoying this experience now. i mean he’s definately no longer interested in chrsitina…and so now it’s just that sort of…incredible sexual tension between us. and i keep thinking that like yeah one day something will happen…but then i never actually think of it actually happening…and we’re alone together in sketchily romantic situations SO freaking often. like literally everyday…but i think “oh no way it would happen now…sometime in the future”…but i’m thinking i might want to figure out when that future is.
on the one hand i’m actually trying to figure it out…and on the other hand…i’m regarding the whole thing as sort of a personal experiment…trying to see how far off i can kep myself. how long i can stay sane before i fall. so far i’m doing very well. it’s pretty fun to watch myself in a sort of out of body, out of heart way and watch myself when i start to get sucked in and be able to fight it and pull myself out. realize when exactly it is that i start filling in the holes and over romanticising and stop myself…i realize that no, the reason i can never untangle myself is that i can’t really make these generalizations about myself. that it’s VASTLY convoluted. some of the feelings i have are incredibly real…mixed with incredibly contrived ones. which creates an incredibly intricate and foggy mess. so if i can try as hard as i can to quite literally FIGHT off the moments where i try to fill in the holes with romantic, idealized ideas…even the tiny, minute seconds…and focus only on the genuine things…that i may be okay. i’m trying to take it one step at a time. day by day. it’s incredibly difficult. but almost enjoyable. and the ability to walk away is something that i’m vastly foreign to. it feels good to give myself some power. i’m sure i make ABSOLUTELY no sense to him though.
and beyond all that…i’m also able to really watch myself…i mean in the sheer interaction i have with him. with ALL men…and try to figure out why that is. in the sort of incriminating, mocking attitude i have with guys i like. i dont know. it’s fascinating. hah. if only he knew how much goes on in my mind. he would be shocked. everyone and anyone would be shocked, really.
but beyond that…i melt…completely melt…when he looks at me with those big blue eyes under that mop of hair. jesus christ blue eyes must have been created to torture me. kryptonite.
and i can’t even explain…but really…yesterday was one of the cutest moments ever. ever. i really don’t know if i can put it into words. but we were together alone for like a half and hour after everyone left…and it was sort of generally silent…alot of staring into each others…i’m actually not even joking. i’d say 75% of the time we spent just wordlessly staring into each other’s eyes. it sounds weird. but it was awesome. he was playing me music for a good 20 minutes…strumming me songs and staring into my eyes. and then we went outside to go home and i obviously didn’t have a ride or anything. and haha this was the best thing EVER.
Him: Do you need a ride home?
Me: No I’m okay.
Him: It’s no problem…don’t you live just down the road? Just over there on mercer st?
Me: …Um. I’ve…never told you that before…how did you know that?
And hahaha he went completely silent and just STARED at me for like 5 minutes straight. seriously. you could see his brain trying to think up something to say. then he just said “Um. So I’m gonna be in your class tomorrow…” HAHAHAH wtf. it was SO awkward and sketchy. i mean in the moment it was just sort of weird but then when i was thinking about it afterwords…like seriously…how on earth would he know that? i actually don’t know. the only thing would be if it had randomly casually came up in a conversation with someone like christina or something like that…but i dont see why it would and i dont see why he wouldn’t just say that. if there was some normal reason, he would have just said it. you only don’t say anything at all if you have something to hide. hahaha i’m still laughing about it to myself. sketchy. now THATS the kind of man for me. one thats just as sketchy as me.
this entire encounter in the parking lot…i swear…was incredible. like out of a movie. or a tv show. or a scene in a play. it was just. i can’t explain. fairly wordless…but you could seriously cut the tension between us with a knife. or whatever was between us. we were standing literally like 20 feet away from each other…me obviously not having a ride…him obviously having his car…and he wasn’t leaving…and i wasnt asking for a ride…so there was really no reason for him to still be standing there…i mean he could go home…and there was no real reason for me to be standing there either…and i didnt want to admit that i wanted a ride and he didnt want to admit that he really should just drive off…and so we spent a good 10 minutes sort staring at each other…then one of us smiling…the other one laughing…saying something…then going back to staring at each other. i really can’t explain it. then he got in his car and sort of sat there in it with the window rolled down. i walked the 20 feet up and poked my head in, said “nice car” and then walked the 20 feet back. then he rolled the window up. i made a snowball. threw it at his car. he rolled the window down. drove up to me. said something…i made fun of him…then he drove off…i stood there…then he drove back….and basically this weird…stopping, starting, distant, bizarre, silent interaction went on for another 10 straight minutes. it was so bizarre. and awkward…just because we’re awkward together right now…then finally he did like accelerate, stop, accelerate stop, accelerate stop, with the window rolled down staring at me for a good three minutes. silence again. i finally said “you’re a good driver”…he gave me the finger and FINALLY actually drove off.
yeah i probably didnt need to write all of that out. hah. its just really not something i can explain. it was incredibly bizarre. but romantic in a way that i really…um…cant express. at all. but um. yeah. cute. i guess “you had to be there”
ANYWAY. So. Tommy officially lost his virginity. To a girl that he’s MADLY in love with. Well good for you Tommy Fenster. I am so pleased that I do not that I do not have a jealous bone in my body about that. I really don’t care at all. I’m actually happy for him. It’s cute. I think the boy is incredibly bizarre though. IMing me for the first time in a month for the conversation to quite literally go like this:
Me: whats up
Tommy: Nothing except that I couldn’t get a boner for sex
then he continues to go on and on about how he couldnt get a boner. great tommy. just what i needed to hear.
a few days later.
Me: whats up
Tommy: I got a boner.
Me: Does that mean you lost your virginity
well that’s great. he’s bizarre and cryptic and i don’t really know why he felt the need to tell me this…in the way our conversations went…it was almost cute…it was almost like “i would have done it with you if things had worked out but they didnt and now we can be close friends blah blah”…which is fine. great. another “friend” that i didnt want to be “just friends” with. but honestly…with him…at this point…there is NO way i want to be anything other than friends. so its almost cute. that he tells me first and makes it important to tell me. we both know the underlying meanings of all our conversations. it’s nice to have him now. the distance…really…never would have worked. ever.
but its werid we’re like so incredibly open. about everything sexual. i mean we could seriousyl talk about like anything. and he typically does. maybe that’s why he’s keeping in touch with me. maybe he doesnt have that with any other girl. i certainyl dont really have it with any other guy. it’s bizarrely sweet.
then he went on and on about the blow and how they’re his favorite band and sent me links and was like “YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO TRUE AFFECTION. it’s the best. and it makes me think of you.” actually the music is cooler than i thought tommy was in to. i mean like more alternative than i pegged him at. anyway…these are the lyrics to the song he said i “had to listen to”…and…well…maybe i’m incredibly self-absorbed…but it was cute.
I wanted a junction and often there was one
You’d surface face first and we’d share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn’t fair to cross
I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn’t wanna see
Wanted you nearer
Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works and all your fluids couldn’t tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But because it’s real doesn’t mean it’s gonna work
And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn’t wanna see
Wanted you nearer…
Cute. And I think that was his final goodbye to me. And mine to him. That song really honestly does wrap it ALL up. In a matter of words. Lovely. So there lies Tommy Fenster. RIP. It was nice while it lasted.
Que in Bobby…
BRING IT ON.