Today was nice. Ish. Long. Ish. Day. So so so tired. Nothing particularly special. I’m LOVING angels in america in advanced scene. Bogie is earning back a little bit of respect. We have the most mature, honest discussions in that class over ANY other class I’ve ever taken. Just because we’re all so comfortable with each other and all so intellectual…that we can read an excerpt from Angels in America and actually say meaningful things about it instead of bullshitting around and having dumb teachers sit there and try to make you talk and make you say things and wean worthless, NOT meaningful things out of you that didn’t tell you anything you didn’t know. Bogie doesnt try to act like we’re stupid…he knows we get the surface stuff…so he is able to actually stand up there and provide interesting new things we either didn’t know or hadn’t thought of. After reading it myself and watching the entire thing…he actually posed some new ways of looking at it that I hadn’t thought of without being condescending or blatant. So yeah. This whole Angels in America thing ROCKS. Hah. Poor Bobby though. We don’t do work AT ALL the ENTIRE year…and the day he joins…we suddenly start doing hardcore work. Hah.

Anyway. Um. We had GSA. That was enjoyable. I really really love being there. In video we watched like every movie Joe has ever done. It was kinda creepy.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over my Spring Awakening obsession. It seriously grows everyday. And everyday I find more and more little beautiful things in it that I hadn’t before. It’s absolutely incredible. I don’t think anyone in the world feels the way I do about it. Honestly. Hah. And I don’t think anyone should…or ever could. But I’m so fine with that.

Mattress rehearsal was actually, believe it or not…really good. I just had a sudden burst of energy and I felt so good. Running around laughing…actually realllly enjoying it for the first time. Laughing with Katie and I don’t know…I just had energy. Yes. Enjoyable. But then Bogie let me have ONE special little part…the only freaking thing I get to do thewhole play…and then he replaced me with Christina because she’s “smaller and it’ll look cuter.” Whatever. And Christina was complaining ALL day and ALL rehearsal about how fucking sick she was and how awful she felt. This time I actually didn’t have pity. The ENTIRE school is sick. I’ve been sick for 3 weeks straight. EVERYONE is sick. She had a freaking sore throat. Big deal. It’s winter. Get over it. And I think I’m picking up on…ness. He had stopped paying any attention to her for the past few weeks actually…becasue she had actually been being strong and unresponsive and actually being her own person. Then today she was all “Cough cough I’m sick cough cough I can’t talk”…and he was RIGHT back into that “Aw Christina aw take care of yourself aw are you okay aw let me poke you and tickle you” and I think he’s so attracted to that weak side of her…becuase he loves to be the protective, big man. Eh. Whatever. Well either that or he’s nuts just like all the other ones I’ve fallen for. Great. I don’t know where that leaves me. But at least I’m still at the point where I don’t actually care that much. So that’s good.

Actually after rehearsal me and CChoi and soloman and christina hung out in quyens and i felt happy for the first time in a while. i dont know why. it wasnt any big thing. it just actually felt like we were actually doing the musical. hah.

Um. Then I came home and got annoyed by various people in the house. which was odd. and then spent like 3 hours making spring awakening avatars. yes. i HAVE lost it. i made 50 avatars. ROCK ON. haha it’s really fun. even though i have no idea what i’m doing. anyway I made a xanga for them so shlook at them!

click! click! yes. i made ALL of them. yeah i’m nuts.

anywho. i’m so so exahusted. by. life. then i like collapsed on the couch for a while. mumhjgek. and now to bed.

keep living it to the fullest. and stop worrying about scraggly haired boys. there will ALWAYS be a scraggly haired boy to get in your way. don’t worry.

tomorrow is the last day of january. how did it go by SO fast?



There is quite literally an unbelievable amount to write. It’s really insane. My mind is ALL over the place. Ugh.

So school. Had a late opening which was nice. Got to sleep. Then came in and french…and I did so badly in french and on the midterm…i’m so thoroughly annoyed about that…it’s ridiculous. the midterm and freaking oral thing was SO wholly unfair. I sat there genuinely wanting so badly to whip a microphone out of my oxford and start belting out the bitch of living and stamping my feet. how does this accurately evaluate me? Reduce us all to numbers. Meat to be butchered. Only so much matter that amounts to a certain grade. The whole system fails me. It just sucks because I have nothing really to hide behind any more. I never did any work so that I could say that I’m not living up to my full potential and that I COULD do well if I tried…and now I’m trying…not enough…but at least trying…and my grades aren’t much better than they were last year. Ive resigned myself to the fact that with my high school career…I’ve done the best I can. Not in that I’ve put forth ALL of my effort. But that I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I only have so much effort. Only so much motivation. And my personal life takes precedence over any work for me. And that’s what I have. And so yeah…I’ve done the best I can. And to me, it’s bullshit. A random selection of questions graded by a biased middle aged adult and reduced to a single number does not place me in a certain frame of intelligence. I am intelligent. I don’t get good grades. Boohoo. Who gives a fuck anymore. What I’m supposed to work my ass off and do all this bullshit that I don’t give a fuck about just to get into a certain college so that I can work my ass off for another four years so that I can go into some office job? Sorry that just doesn’t appeal to me. I don’t want to be a lawyer, I don’t want to be a doctor, I don’t want to be anything. And my mom has made it clear to me that we can’t really afford to send me to college and that dad is not going to be willing to pay for it…so I have no idea what I’m going to do. NO IDEA. It’s not that easy for all of us all of you narrow minded assholes who think that I should spend EVERY minute of my youth studying for some bullshit subject I don’t care about and all of you who all cry everytime you don’t get a freaking 95 on your AP Bio test or whatever the hell because heaven forbid you get one grade that isn’t up to par you won’t be accepted to your crazy white ivy league school. Whatever. But no. I don’t think its fair that my intelligence is measured by a random series of tests, numbers and grades. It is never an adeqete form of judgement. There are SO many variables that go into that “number.” Basically…any grade for a test given has is really compiled by 4% intuition, 76% how much you studied for it, 22% exhaustion, sleep depravity, frustration, malnutrition and other personal problems going on in your life, 7% how ridiculous and biased the teacher is in grading it or making it and 1% sheer intelligence. You can get perfect grades if you spend ALL day and all night studying…and there are so many people with straight A’s who just study and are dumb as rocks…and people like me who don’t study for a second and don’t get straight A’s…but that in NO way means I’m dumb. Ugh.

Random tangent?

The point was. I don’t know. French is sucking. Then physics we took notes and such. Then free went up to the cafeteria with the gang. they’re weird people. then video we watched IMMENSELY sketchy movies. seriously. then english ms p is a crack whore. did badly in english too which was annoying too. math was blah. blah. grades bad too. ugh. then advanced scene was kind of cool. we talked about angels in america which i’m like so immensely excited about. getting to read, analyse, present, perform and watch angels in america is like heaven. it’d be like reading harry potter in english class. way exciting. i think i’ve gotten through the hardest part of advanced scene…the rest of the year is going to be angels in america and producing this play for the seniors. so on the whole it should be fun. then last period i sort of slept and talked to cchoi for a bit. pleasing. cchoi feels like this little part of the musical thats grown up but always stayed the same. sometimes i just sit there and remember the little boy that was in west side story…aw baby john…and realize how much he’s grown up…it’s sort of incredible and adorable and sweet. i will always love cchoi. kind of like a little brother. and it becomes more and more apparent to me how much more fitting he is for the jester instead of me. he’s perfect. so yeah. good stuff.

Rehearsal. yeah. no words. it kind of upsets me. because im realizing that this experience is only happening once. my last musical with these people. your high school musicals are supposed to be the best memories of all. and bogie is sucking everything out of it. and margretta is making me want to slap someone. it’s disappointing but…what can you do? try to make the best of it i suppose. that’s why i’m listening to the mattress soundtrack for the FIRST time right now. trying to get in the spirit. sigh. bogie has LOST it though. roping off parts of the theatre. ugh.

apart from that. the boy is quite adorable. i’m enjoying this experience now. i mean he’s definately no longer interested in chrsitina…and so now it’s just that sort of…incredible sexual tension between us. and i keep thinking that like yeah one day something will happen…but then i never actually think of it actually happening…and we’re alone together in sketchily romantic situations SO freaking often. like literally everyday…but i think “oh no way it would happen now…sometime in the future”…but i’m thinking i might want to figure out when that future is.

on the one hand i’m actually trying to figure it out…and on the other hand…i’m regarding the whole thing as sort of a personal experiment…trying to see how far off i can kep myself. how long i can stay sane before i fall. so far i’m doing very well. it’s pretty fun to watch myself in a sort of out of body, out of heart way and watch myself when i start to get sucked in and be able to fight it and pull myself out. realize when exactly it is that i start filling in the holes and over romanticising and stop myself…i realize that no, the reason i can never untangle myself is that i can’t really make these generalizations about myself. that it’s VASTLY convoluted. some of the feelings i have are incredibly real…mixed with incredibly contrived ones. which creates an incredibly intricate and foggy mess. so if i can try as hard as i can to quite literally FIGHT off the moments where i try to fill in the holes with romantic, idealized ideas…even the tiny, minute seconds…and focus only on the genuine things…that i may be okay. i’m trying to take it one step at a time. day by day. it’s incredibly difficult. but almost enjoyable. and the ability to walk away is something that i’m vastly foreign to. it feels good to give myself some power. i’m sure i make ABSOLUTELY no sense to him though.

and beyond all that…i’m also able to really watch myself…i mean in the sheer interaction i have with him. with ALL men…and try to figure out why that is. in the sort of incriminating, mocking attitude i have with guys i like. i dont know. it’s fascinating. hah. if only he knew how much goes on in my mind. he would be shocked. everyone and anyone would be shocked, really.

but beyond that…i melt…completely melt…when he looks at me with those big blue eyes under that mop of hair. jesus christ blue eyes must have been created to torture me. kryptonite.

and i can’t even explain…but really…yesterday was one of the cutest moments ever. ever. i really don’t know if i can put it into words. but we were together alone for like a half and hour after everyone left…and it was sort of generally silent…alot of staring into each others…i’m actually not even joking. i’d say 75% of the time we spent just wordlessly staring into each other’s eyes. it sounds weird. but it was awesome. he was playing me music for a good 20 minutes…strumming me songs and staring into my eyes. and then we went outside to go home and i obviously didn’t have a ride or anything. and haha this was the best thing EVER.

Him: Do you need a ride home?
Me: No I’m okay.
Him: It’s no problem…don’t you live just down the road? Just over there on mercer st?
Me: …Um. I’ve…never told you that before…how did you know that?

And hahaha he went completely silent and just STARED at me for like 5 minutes straight. seriously. you could see his brain trying to think up something to say. then he just said “Um. So I’m gonna be in your class tomorrow…”  HAHAHAH wtf. it was SO awkward and sketchy. i mean in the moment it was just sort of weird but then when i was thinking about it afterwords…like seriously…how on earth would he know that? i actually don’t know. the only thing would be if it had randomly casually came up in a conversation with someone like christina or something like that…but i dont see why it would and i dont see why he wouldn’t just say that. if there was some normal reason, he would have just said it. you only don’t say anything at all if you have something to hide. hahaha i’m still laughing about it to myself. sketchy. now THATS the kind of man for me. one thats just as sketchy as me.

this entire encounter in the parking lot…i swear…was incredible. like out of a movie. or a tv show. or a scene in a play. it was just. i can’t explain. fairly wordless…but you could seriously cut the tension between us with a knife. or whatever was between us. we were standing literally like 20 feet away from each other…me obviously not having a ride…him obviously having his car…and he wasn’t leaving…and i wasnt asking for a ride…so there was really no reason for him to still be standing there…i mean he could go home…and there was no real reason for me to be standing there either…and i didnt want to admit that i wanted a ride and he didnt want to admit that he really should just drive off…and so we spent a good 10 minutes sort staring at each other…then one of us smiling…the other one laughing…saying something…then going back to staring at each other. i really can’t explain it. then he got in his car and sort of sat there in it with the window rolled down. i walked the 20 feet up and poked my head in, said “nice car” and then walked the 20 feet back. then he rolled the window up. i made a snowball. threw it at his car. he rolled the window down. drove up to me. said something…i made fun of him…then he drove off…i stood there…then he drove back….and basically this weird…stopping, starting, distant, bizarre, silent interaction went on for another 10 straight minutes. it was so bizarre. and awkward…just because we’re awkward together right now…then finally he did like accelerate, stop, accelerate stop, accelerate stop, with the window rolled down staring at me for a good three minutes. silence again. i finally said “you’re a good driver”…he gave me the finger and FINALLY actually drove off.

yeah i probably didnt need to write all of that out. hah. its just really not something i can explain. it was incredibly bizarre. but romantic in a way that i really…um…cant express. at all. but um. yeah. cute. i guess “you had to be there”

ANYWAY. So. Tommy officially lost his virginity. To a girl that he’s MADLY in love with. Well good for you Tommy Fenster. I am so pleased that I do not that I do not have a jealous bone in my body about that. I really don’t care at all. I’m actually happy for him. It’s cute. I think the boy is incredibly bizarre though. IMing me for the first time in a month for the conversation to quite literally go like this:

Tommy: Hey
Me: whats up
Tommy: Nothing except that I couldn’t get a boner for sex

then he continues to go on and on about how he couldnt get a boner. great tommy. just what i needed to hear.

a few days later.

Tommy: yo
Me: whats up
Tommy: I got a boner.
Me: Does that mean you lost your virginity
Tommy: Yes.

well that’s great. he’s bizarre and cryptic and i don’t really know why he felt the need to tell me this…in the way our conversations went…it was almost cute…it was almost like “i would have done it with you if things had worked out but they didnt and now we can be close friends blah blah”…which is fine. great. another “friend” that i didnt want to be “just friends” with. but honestly…with him…at this point…there is NO way i want to be anything other than friends. so its almost cute. that he tells me first and makes it important to tell me. we both know the underlying meanings of all our conversations. it’s nice to have him now. the distance…really…never would have worked. ever.

but its werid we’re like so incredibly open. about everything sexual. i mean we could seriousyl talk about like anything. and he typically does. maybe that’s why he’s keeping in touch with me. maybe he doesnt have that with any other girl. i certainyl dont really have it with any other guy. it’s bizarrely sweet.

then he went on and on about the blow and how they’re his favorite band and sent me links and was like “YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO TRUE AFFECTION. it’s the best. and it makes me think of you.” actually the music is cooler than i thought tommy was in to. i mean like more alternative than i pegged him at. anyway…these are the lyrics to the song he said i “had to listen to”…and…well…maybe i’m incredibly self-absorbed…but it was cute.

I wanted a junction and often there was one
You’d surface face first and we’d share our thought bubbles
And I still believe in the phrases that we breathed
But I know the distance isn’t fair to cross

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn’t wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Your depths made a pressure that punctured my works and all your fluids couldn’t tolerate the force of my thirst
I love the place where we shared our tiny grace
But because it’s real doesn’t mean it’s gonna work

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn’t wanna see
Wanted you nearer…

Cute. And I think that was his final goodbye to me. And mine to him. That song really honestly does wrap it ALL up. In a matter of words. Lovely. So there lies Tommy Fenster. RIP. It was nice while it lasted.

Que in Bobby…


I am currently enjoying the most divine evening ever. I do not want it to ever end. I just feel at peace.


There is SOOOOOOO much to write. It’s not even comprehensible. I really hoped I would have the time to write it all and organize my whole mind…but I simply didn’t. Maybe I can work on it over the week before the homework load explodes in my face.

Ugh. Life is pleasing pleasing.

Anyway. This exactly marks the halfway point of junior year. I have no idea how to swallow that statement. I mean I suppose on the one hand, that means we’re only halfway through and we’ve still got half of it left to go through…and the best part too…but on the other hand…I mean…I’m halfway through junior year. It went by UNBELIEVABLY fast. I knew it would too. I need to get back in touch with myself. Since winter came and it got colder, I haven’t given myself the same time I used to…bike riding around…going to the park…going to the lake…and just reflecting. It actually is really important. Maybe that’s why it seems as if time is being vaporized…maybe I just need to slow down. All in all…it’s so not what I expected. Twisting and turning and falling and gaping. But Spring Awakening basically gives meaning to it all. The “big event” that happens in january happened…and it was in no means what I would have EVER guessed. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be. And In a way…it was almost an incredible experience..because I was finally able to realize truths about myself that I wasn’t tapping into and take a strong stand for something I believe in. It was “the horrible event” but truly…slightly redeeming. Either way…Junior year is half gone. Or half left. I stand at the precipice. This is the crossroads. It’s all before me. The steady and magnificent decline. The few last months with the theatre kids. The last few months to enjoy being a junior. Fucking live and breathe and cherish it. This only happens once.

I have no idea how this will end. Or where I will go. Or what is to come. But that…in itself is so fucking beautiful. Commit to that. To the future. To the past. And to this moment. Breathe.

Slow down. Breathe.

And live the rest of the year to it’s fullest.



Wow. I’m about to fucking faint or die or collapse or something.





I can’t fucking get over it. This is the fucking culmination of my life. The coolest fucking thing EVER. No seriously. These pants. Are. Fucking. Holy. NO LIE. THE GREATEST THING IVE EVER DONE WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE. MY LIFE ACCOMPLISHMENT. IS THESE PANTS. WTF!


All of this I will remember forever. So so incredible. Once in a lifetime. All of this.




It is confirmed: Spring Awakening is my LIFE. *Faints*

None of this makes sense. It’s all just fractured thoughts:

A mental breakdown is more like an incredibly intense massage…and once it’s over you feel immensely better. It was less like a break down and more like a vastly painful purging of the inner darkness within. For someone who hinges on emotional rides, it’s incredibly fascinating.

My heart is an anchor. An incredibly dumb organ. Powerful…primitive…full of only desire and scars. The mind

In resisting my fatal disease, it is less about making my heart smarter…and more about fighting my heart with my mind.

And I find it’s the only way I could ever possibly find any feelings reciprocal. No one’s heart is quite as dumbly, overhwelmingly powerful as mine.

And it begins to make you wonder the origins of love. Does one really ever love one thing? Is a human being capable of non self-referential love? One loves nothing. One loves the idea of something. Or what something means to them. Or represents to them. Or what meaning it has to them. In refence to themselves. One loves another for how they make them feel.

Which I suppose would mean that abusive relationships, such as my love for Campbell…are directly a product

And then I wonder what part of my heart is product and what part is precedence. If my heart is solely the makeup of chemical functions…of a series of reactions in a chain of events. If I am this way because of my father. Because of the men in my life. Because of the numerous influences in my life and on my heart. Or whether my heart truly was created this way. Predisposed to be mangled and torn. Surely it cannot…surely I was born with a whole heart, and it was then broken and mutilated…plunged into coronary agony. But then really that just disproves everything I hold dear about my views on predetermination. No no. It cannot surely be predetermined. Yet it is the product. But a product, not of predisposition…but of chaos.

One day. Everyone will be insane like me.

Ummm. Well. What is there to say. To do.

I don’t know when the last time I wrote was but I have sooo much to write and so much to do.

This is the best weekend of the entire year. The ONLY weekend where there is literally no work of any kind. So I had planned and hoped to get done all the stuff I never have time to do…instead time just seemed to vanish before my eyes.

Exams were nice. Fine. I was sick and dying and exhausted and drained but I got through them.

Monday was English first and then Physics. English was fine…easier than I thought…then partied between. Then physics was a little more difficult then I had imagined. You know how these things go. Blah.

Boy when the hell am I going to have time to write about all this shit? UGH.

O my goodness wow. My first ever mental breakdown. Well that certainly was an experience. Like two and a half years of sorrow scratching and clawing to get out of my body as fast as it could. Consciousness, desire, pain and heartbreak at last on the same level…swirling around in some dark pit too deep to ever touch…at last dousing your body and memory and soul in its flames. Hot piercing flames. My mind and body on separate terrains and all the fluids in my body seeming to rush out of my face at every angle. A fight for freedom at last. The inner pain finally meeting the air. An intensely pain freedom. I actually felt my joints banging together and hammering away at one another…danger locking doors and all at once the inner most darkness coloring the walls. You can feel the blood coursing through you. The dirty, infected, insane blood. Coughing up spit and crying out of the flesh on my face. Naked and alone and screaming just to make a sound in the universe. Screaming so loud and so hard and so with every molecule in your body that you feel every nerve quake and every follicle shiver as if about to burst. Surely, pain does not wash away with time. It numbs and it bleeds and it screams and it fights and it escapes at long last. Flaring it’s true colors at long last. All the shrill tears that compile the bodies of water that clog up your heart…the dam is broken. Painfully real. Painfully free. And painfully literal. Screaming.

And for a moment. You lose your mind. And then you are quite peacefully, and eternally free.

Then slammed back to reality. And there is your diluted, twisted, miraculous mind. Beating your heart without puppet strings. The heart is numb. Pale and thoughtless. But powerful. The mind. A weak victim of the human condition.

Painfully eliminating pain.

The logistics of pain…deep buried pain…is so intensely intricate…it takes years to hide…and a moment to release. In one moment a release of all the true inner anguish.

That’s not a metaphor. That’s literal. Literal pain drenching you in agony. And freedom.

The inner sorrow and bites and claws…releasing it is intensely painful. Intensely cleansing. The out I’ve been looking for for years. Literally.

I wonder why they call it a mental breakdown…it’s really more like a release of pain. A mental release.

No wonder I’m so fucked up.

I’m human. I am real.

Not a china doll.

I breathe dust.

And I exhale.

When pain clouds the mind, the heart anchors. Oh my heart is an anchor. Screaming lets it roam.

Oh. My god. I am completely speechless. Completely speechless. That was fucking AMAZING. That’s the first time a movie has really just made me cry just because it’s so incredibly good. Angels In America is brilliant. And quite possibly one of the greatest things ever written. Oh. My. God. Tony Kushner you are brilliant.

That touched me more than possibly any other piece of media, ever. Once it got to the end…I just started crying uncontrollably…and then once the credits came up…I just stared at the screen and sat there all alone watching the entire set of credits because I didn’t want to get up. Fucking. Amazing. I love I  love I love.

Thank you, Tony Kushner.


That was fucking incredible. Fucking amazing. Bloody brilliant.

I have been surrounded by some of the finest theatre I’ve EVER seen in the past week…and it really makes anything like Grease seem utterly pointless.

That show was AMAZING. Amazing. The best thing I’ve ever seen at McCarter.

That’s what theatre should be. That’s what theatre should do. Jesus Christ its SO bloody fantastic when you see something like that. Reminds you why theatre is SO vital. It’s like a steaming, sweating organ. So alive, so real and so beautiful.

One of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had at a theatre. Ever.

My God. Beautiful.

Angels In America is amazing. I mean actually…legitimately amazing. One of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen/read. It’s nuts and difficult to even wrap my mind around how he created these incredible characters and wove them together so complexly and intricately but incredibly beautifully. It really is all about the writing…and the dialogue…which is so bloody fantastic. Kushner has these mind blowing scenes where he intertwines the dialogue between two pairs of people in two seperate places that actually are the most incredible things I’ve ever read/heard. When you first read it or see it it’s sort of difficult to really take in all that’s going on…but then once you really think about how on earth he created this story and wrote these scenes where one pair of people finishes another pair of people’s dialogue in an entirely different setting…it truly is genius. Brilliant. Tony Kushner is possibly the greatest playwright I’ve ever heard of. Not to mention that the story itself is just…Ugh it gives me chills. And the intense connections between the different characters that don’t even know each other. Seriously the entire thing is completely mind blowing brilliance.

Finally being able to watch it put into action is a really incredible experience. After reading the play in depth and having an image of what everyone should look like in my head…to see it actually on the screen is sort of surreal but fantastic. I’m really loving this experience.

Ugh. So amazing.