I layed in bed last night in the dark…the chill of England settling all about me…and was plagued by so many things. So many thoughts. I doubt I could really translate them all…but I suppose I have alot to write.
ok im not gonna capitalize everything because im using cheryls computer and its really hard to type on.
Well for one thing…Christmas this year felt entirely empty. It was porbaly one of the worst christmases ever…not because anything went wrong or because i was particularly depressed…but just becuase i felt nothing. i lost the christmas spirit and didnt really see what the big deal was. i think that fact itself is depressing. and im really not cynical…it was pretty out of character for me to be feeling this way…but i can’t change it. the way i see it, there are two christmases…there’s the commercial christmas…which centers around santa squeezing down a chimney and consumerism america making everyone buy excessive presents no one really needs…and the fact is i used to love that christmas…and now it just seems shallow to me. and then theres the religious christmas…the “true meaning” of it all…and more and more i find it to be utter bullshit. in years past it seemed even foggier…but now that i am wholly cemented in the idea that i am not a christian…i just find myself being completely phased by it all…glorifying him to such an extent really takes the importance off of everyone and everything else in this glorious world…and i frankly dont care about his “virgin birth”. honestly, is all this big fuss honestly just about the fact that it’s jesus’ birthday? or is it a slowly and readily developped consumerism plot. maybe both. ugh. boy do i feel scroogy. i hate this feeling really i do. i hate thinking this way. i hatethe fact that im saying these things and feeling this way. i try so hard to just find the christmas spirit again…but it never came. it feels a hallow shell. something has been ripped out of me. but even regardless of all that that i said…if you’re supposed to take that away and boil it down to just chistmas is about :love and good cheer”…well why cant we all have love and good cheer all the time? eh. when i was a child i loved both of these christmases…but now neither
of them ring true for me at all. i smile at a christmas tree and then
subconciously am plagued with “yeah, but what does it mean?” and it
gives me nothing…god i wish i could just look past all of this shit like a iused to and just enjoy it purely with love and joy…but now there’s something deeply missing. i wish i could just enjoy it though. bah humbug. …but…all the things that i ever loved about christmas…all the things that ever meant anything to me…i realize now…were the family…and the presents. now i find no shallow pleasure in material things…nor did i actually get any presents this year. not that im upset by that…i am completely and wholly indifferent…which i think is pretty impressive coming from me who used to be such a spoiled and greedy youngest child…but honestly i didnt even give a single thought to presents this year…i completely even forgot they existed. but ontop of that…it’s generally accepted in my family that we dont get christmas presents anymore…we just dont have the funds anymore…i get a stocking…and presents from relatives…but thats it really. my present was going to england. and thats really all i need. im more happy to be here in england than i am about the fact that its christmas. but mostly…of all the times of the year…this is the only time where i really feel the realities of my family situation and the tragedy of it all stare me down. the rest of the year, if i try hard enough…i can force it out of my mind…but during this season it the past seems ghostly and foreign…my present seems utterly and wholly real…and my future seems bleak. i am unable to escape. and boy is it depressing that i’ve got the lonely christmas depression already at the age of 16. its weird that it effects me now…really it is…it just seems so cliche i suppose…but really christmas is the only time where i find myself face to face with my loneliness. the only time that it truly seems blaringly obvious that my family has been ripped apart…shredded…and lazily pasted back together. sure i’m here with “family”…and i absolutely love emlyn and her family i really do….but no matter how hard i try and how much i lie to myself…it’s not the way it should be. it’s not my family. it’s not the family i grew up with. and no matter how many games of balderdash we play…my dad is never there writing innappropriate things laughing loudly and obnoxiously…and no matter how many times we laugh and joke…dan is not there to wrestle bryan to the ground…and no matter how many presents we open…richard is not there making obscure references to some 1940’s japanese film…and no matter how many times i look deep within myself…the girl with so much christmas spirit died long ago…the day her father walked out the door. it’s the saddest thing i’ve ever heard. and it seems…every year its getting readily worse. so i think above all of these things…it truly is the fact that i am alone. and christmas will never be the same again. nothing will ever be the same. i am no longer a child. and i am no longer at peace. that’s what it’s really about.
So Christmas came and went…and I felt nothing.
I’ve never felt like more of a scrooge in my life. At least it’s over now…
there were moments. fleeting golden moments where my heart fluttered in its own way…and i felt something christmasy…but then it felt hallow…there was no meaning behind it…andit would fade. i could count only a couple of these shining moments…but nothin that ever substantially woke me from this dream. i’m not the person i used to be. christmas makes it all too real.
But it’s all alright….in the end…I’ve still got the future…
And well…at least I loved cookies. Alllll those christmas cookies. And cozy old christmas movies. And lights. And christmas carols. And scarves and mittens. And weird looking wrapping paper. And ornaments on trees. And hot chocolate. And the advent calender that you never quite opened all of. And the excuse to wear santa ties and be jolly to all. And Silent Night. I mean I think, in the end, that’s what it’s really all about…eh? At least that’s what its about for me. Because of all those memory and meaning those hold for me. All those simple lovely things that compose a season. And Charlie Brown Christmas. boy. i think charlie brown’s got it all right.
And well…I think above all…it’s really all about love. And I can handle that.
It wasn’t that bad of a christmas after all. quite beautiful actually. in its own way.
Above all…and with every ounce of cheer in my body…