So I need to write something to stop myself from losing sanity completely.
My stomach is in complete knots. I feel swollen and I can’t even think anymore.
Actually talking to Bogie made it alot worse. Him and his expectations are driving me up the wall.
What am I afraid of? Honestly. Where is the fear and why? Fear of singing…of being judged? Break down the barriers mother fucker. A part of me feels like shouting at the other cowardly part of me. The part that right now is clamming up and shaking.
This really is like one of my biggest fears though. It really is. And I don’t know why. It’s the same as the english class thing…it’s just some physcological fuck up that I can’t get over but have to.
And just think…I never ever ever thought I could handle Savage…that role…or any part of it…and look what I did. It’s absolutely amazing to me. Still to this day…that I not only faced that role…but completely achieved it. Straddled a dream and now I am a totally new person with totally new oppurtunities.
Think of nothing else but this moment. This oppurtunity. This is nothing. One day it’ll be so much worse. This is just high school.
Even if I don’t really honestly believe that I have the talent…I just have to tell myself that I do. And know it. And just think how much it will be worth it. How badly and with all of my soul I want this.
This is it. This is the absolute hurdle. The thing I’ve been dreading most of anything anything else. And I can either give all of this hardwork up and cave in to petty fear…or I can face the wall between me and victory…climb over it…and then destruct it…so that I can finally see what is behind all of this. And for me…if I can make it over this…that’s it. I can make it over anything. So what am I waiting for?
What do I have to lose?
Come on Lauren. Just face and get over this stupid childish fear. It’s really not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. What am I waiting for? The moment is now. This is a brilliant oppurtunity. You’re holding yourself back so much. Just let go.
This shouldn’t even be scary. This should be exciting. This moment. To finally let it all go. This is what I’ve been preaching and preaching. Now live without fear.
Now go out and live the life you were born to live…