How is it that beautiful moments fade so effortlessly quickly. Fallen from the forefront of your senses…soon to linger in the pale discerning bowl of memory…or something resembling a foggy image and a smiling photograph. Nothing, however grand and can ever recreate the feeling of rain pattering against skin…or of golden blue lights that seem to dim the eyes…or of the soft, settling hush of the wind that fills up a pair of lungs in unison.
And now, these subtle and subversive tears that scuttle up and down my iris. There is no escape now. There is only the darkness which colors the light. It’s all become too meaningful. Everything. Too meaningful to ever be understood, grasped or let go of. Everything is emotion. And it’s times like these that make it sting to ever smile.
Well then I guess that means its over. In simple terms. Winter break is over…for the most part. England is over. Family is over. And I feel somehow serene…mixed with intense depression. I am so not ready to leave…but then…I never will be. I feel that same parting sadness that has become so familiar to me. And it stings and it aches and it takes no prisoners. So what to do. Linger in pity and tears. Or accept the beauty and walk with it in your heart.
These are the memories I hold.
Crawling into bed with Emlyn in the black of the night. Strongbow. Clean and fancy train rides. Sudoku. Balderdash. Munchkin. Blasting Spring Awakening and desgining pants. Late nights in the dark at the computer. Chocolate chip cookies. A warm fire in a pub. Riding with Emlyn stuffed in the back of the car. Watching lights drift into the horizon. Breathing English air. A pint and chips. Hugh and Laurie. Epic movies and their commentaries. Laughing about nothing and laughing about everything. Watching the sun set at 3 over a medieval castle. Closed souvenir shops. Camden. Stone. Pounds. Watching the English countryside flash past through your window. Hats and scarves. And the wind of Corfe Castle grazing my face. And the light from Big Ben eminating over the Thames to me. Rain pummeling my body with London all around me. Beauty. Laughter. Bliss.
And not caring about anything. Not thinking about anything. Not worrying about anything. Pure. Bliss.
So thank you. For that.
And I escaped it all. All of my life that had grown so old and cumbersome. Every aspect of it. And now I find myself returning to that world once again…so unready to return…so unwilling to return…so ready to stay here supended in this bliss forever. Did I accomplish anything? No. Did I come to any great conclusions? No. But I soaked up being alive and enjoyed life without any strings attached…just breathed and laughed and lived…and I really think that is the perfect end to this year.
Oh I’m so not ready to leave…but it’s not the end or hope. More the end of a fantastically beautiful stumble into Wonderland. And I should be thankful for it…instead of disdainful. Everything that happened happened exactly as it should. And in that way…this moment is just as beautiful as the last. One last breath of English air. And then back to reality. Now I close my eyes on the fragmented magnificence. It’s been a beautiful, beautiful, perfect journey and with all of the passion in my body I could not express how much I enjoyed it. How perfect and wonderful it was. And now, horribly…I suppose I must part with it…but not leave it behind…just enjoy every last moment of life to the very end. In the end…
Thank you. Thank you so so much.
There’s really no way to let go of such divine perfection. The little moments of satisfaction that life throws our way. All I can do is take it for what it is. Cherish it. And live it. Before it’s gone. I have no regrets. Only memories. And no more time. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t beautiful. And that there won’t be more beuatiful moments. All and all…I am alive. And that’s all that matters. Now it’s time for bed. One more moment. And then home. Thank you. There are no words.
Today was impeccably imperfect. Heartbreakingly magical. Tragically beautiful. And the absolute most perfect end to this hurricane of a year.
I don’t honestly even know where to begin to attempt to sum up or account for or meditate upon this year. What it was…what it meant…words fail it. It seems like a blaze of piercing fire upon a star…a glittering star surrendered to the blackest of night skies. To attempt to tie it down to words would be to attempt to shackle a demon to a body of water. It seems almost at once vast and incomprehensible while at the very same time…the most gleaming and intensely real experience of my life. It defined, for me, what it means to be alive. I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea that the girl who existed in January 2006 is the same girl that sits here December 2006. It is entirely unimaginable. I was an entirely different person.
The year started off with a shriek, a cry, a run, a failure and a trauma. That carried through the entire mess of a year. One cascading effect virtually days into the year that would change the entire course of the year. There was a back staircase incident. A moment under the stars. A breakdown in class. A kicking out of class. A skipping of class. A hiding from the musical. Cotillion and a sweet 16 insanity. A trip to Las Vegas. A beautiful musical. A divine spring break. A shower party. An insane relationship. A loss of a great guiding spirit. An unforgettable play. Many goodbyes. A fierce spring. A fallen love. The most beautiful summer of my entire life. A week on the mountains that changed my life. A week of camp. Flashing memories of splendor. And a boy from out of state. A remarriage and a final divorce. A sense of finding oneself…defining oneself. A new year and new challenges. New surprises. A new era…a new theatre. A gorgeous fall. A group of friends unrelentless and scattered. An absolutely breathtaking play and a wash of fears to overcome. Dance performances. Nutcracker. The holidays. All accumulating in 2 splendid weeks in England. Pure bliss. At the end of a long and winding road. A dark, and beautiful long and winding road.
It’s unfathomably amazing what can happen in a year. Absolutely unfathomable. It was a year ago today…I was here…in England…probably writing out the same soppy words and casting away transcendant moments of the year into abyss.
Actually…fascinatinly enough…this is what I wrote exactly this time last year:
36. Sum 2005 up in a few words:: Cruel. Demanding. Winding. Torturous. Beautiful.
37. Will 2006 be as good?:: It will be better. Count on it.
myself rapidly and uncontrollably approaching some vague sense of
end….being thrust violently at the throne of fate. I’m not exactly
sure what I’ve got to look forward to…but at this moment in time…it
appears to be something much more beautifully profound then this hole
I’ve dug…and I seem positive that there’s something swimminig in the
great beyond for me to hold onto…because I am not going down with
Wow. I actually thought I had made it through the storm. I had no idea. No fucking idea. The storm was just brewing.
So then what exactly does that mean? Does that mean have no expectations? Or just continue to strive with hope thinking that justice will prevail only to be plunged even farther into darkness? Eh.
Perhaps it be that we focus too much on the past. Too much on the farewell of this year…and not enough on the I find looking back, I put so much attention into bidding proper farewell to the previous year and so much blind faith in the universe that I had absolutely no regard or preperation for the absolute whirlwind of insanity that befell 2006. I think to myself now, that at the end of 2005, I should have been anticipating the new year in front of me…instead of clinging to the past. Because I don’t honestly care right now…about what pop culture event happened in 2005. I have my memories. That’s always been my horrible horrible problem…just intense sentamentality. 2006 has been badgered and glorified and beaten down to the point of oblivion…it’s amazing really, but true…that by tomorrow night…it will be history. Unfathomable…but truly, probably, an intense relief. Not because it was a bad year…but because it was truly the most intense, horribly gratifying and stunningly sad year of my entire life. I will never forget it. Hopefully. Hopoefully I will never lose the feeling of being 16. Free and tense and full of emotion on the drop of a pin.
But no, what I’m really trying to say…not overly cliche…but is to let go. To acknowledge…and more importantly. Look to the future. Remember the darkest year of your life but don’t expect it to be the last…don’t be so presumptuous to assume that the worst is over and don’t be so nieve to assume that that is a negative thing in anyway. Accept what has happened. What has formed every moment, every pillar of your life and realize that it shapes every moment yet to come. Honor that idea, that fact and that terrifying truth. Cherish the fact that this moment, like every other that has come and gone, is solitarily unique, and no other will ever be like it ever again. And raise your chin to the sky and feel the rain wash all knowledge away. The slate is wiped clean. This is your hour. And the tide recedes. Finally. This is not sad. This itself is beautiful.
This is not the end of the year. It’s the beginning of a new one.
Whatever it be. Be it fire. Be it calm. Be it divine. Be it dark. So long as I am alive and I have breath in my body…I will live it to the fullest. That’s all I need know.
Bring. It. On.