How is it that beautiful moments fade so effortlessly quickly. Fallen from the forefront of your senses…soon to linger in the pale discerning bowl of memory…or something resembling a foggy image and a smiling photograph. Nothing, however grand and can ever recreate the feeling of rain pattering against skin…or of golden blue lights that seem to dim the eyes…or of the soft, settling hush of the wind that fills up a pair of lungs in unison.

And now, these subtle and subversive tears that scuttle up and down my iris. There is no escape now. There is only the darkness which colors the light. It’s all become too meaningful. Everything. Too meaningful to ever be understood, grasped or let go of. Everything is emotion. And it’s times like these that make it sting to ever smile.

Well then I guess that means its over. In simple terms. Winter break is over…for the most part. England is over. Family is over. And I feel somehow serene…mixed with intense depression. I am so not ready to leave…but then…I never will be. I feel that same parting sadness that has become so familiar to me. And it stings and it aches and it takes no prisoners. So what to do. Linger in pity and tears. Or accept the beauty and walk with it in your heart.

These are the memories I hold.

Crawling into bed with Emlyn in the black of the night. Strongbow. Clean and fancy train rides. Sudoku. Balderdash. Munchkin. Blasting Spring Awakening and desgining pants. Late nights in the dark at the computer. Chocolate chip cookies. A warm fire in a pub. Riding with Emlyn stuffed in the back of the car. Watching lights drift into the horizon. Breathing English air. A pint and chips. Hugh and Laurie. Epic movies and their commentaries. Laughing about nothing and laughing about everything. Watching the sun set at 3 over a medieval castle. Closed souvenir shops. Camden. Stone. Pounds. Watching the English countryside flash past through your window. Hats and scarves. And the wind of Corfe Castle grazing my face. And the light from Big Ben eminating over the Thames to me. Rain pummeling my body with London all around me. Beauty. Laughter. Bliss.

And not caring about anything. Not thinking about anything. Not worrying about anything. Pure. Bliss.

So thank you. For that.

And I escaped it all. All of my life that had grown so old and cumbersome. Every aspect of it. And now I find myself returning to that world once again…so unready to return…so unwilling to return…so ready to stay here supended in this bliss forever. Did I accomplish anything? No. Did I come to any great conclusions? No. But I soaked up being alive and enjoyed life without any strings attached…just breathed and laughed and lived…and I really think that is the perfect end to this year.

Oh I’m so not ready to leave…but it’s not the end or hope. More the end of a fantastically beautiful stumble into Wonderland. And I should be thankful for it…instead of disdainful. Everything that happened happened exactly as it should. And in that way…this moment is just as beautiful as the last. One last breath of English air. And then back to reality. Now I close my eyes on the fragmented magnificence. It’s been a beautiful, beautiful, perfect journey and with all of the passion in my body I could not express how much I enjoyed it. How perfect and wonderful it was. And now, horribly…I suppose I must part with it…but not leave it behind…just enjoy every last moment of life to the very end. In the end…

Thank you. Thank you so so much.

There’s really no way to let go of such divine perfection. The little moments of satisfaction that life throws our way. All I can do is take it for what it is. Cherish it. And live it. Before it’s gone. I have no regrets. Only memories. And no more time. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t beautiful. And that there won’t be more beuatiful moments. All and all…I am alive. And that’s all that matters. Now it’s time for bed. One more moment. And then home. Thank you. There are no words.

Today was impeccably imperfect. Heartbreakingly magical. Tragically beautiful. And the absolute most perfect end to this hurricane of a year.

I don’t honestly even know where to begin to attempt to sum up or account for or meditate upon this year. What it was…what it meant…words fail it. It seems like a blaze of piercing fire upon a star…a glittering star surrendered to the blackest of night skies. To attempt to tie it down to words would be to attempt to shackle a demon to a body of water. It seems almost at once vast and incomprehensible while at the very same time…the most gleaming and intensely real experience of my life. It defined, for me, what it means to be alive. I can’t even wrap my mind around the idea that the girl who existed in January 2006 is the same girl that sits here December 2006. It is entirely unimaginable. I was an entirely different person.

The year started off with a shriek, a cry, a run, a failure and a trauma. That carried through the entire mess of a year. One cascading effect virtually days into the year that would change the entire course of the year. There was a back staircase incident. A moment under the stars. A breakdown in class. A kicking out of class. A skipping of class. A hiding from the musical. Cotillion and a sweet 16 insanity. A trip to Las Vegas. A beautiful musical. A divine spring break. A shower party. An insane relationship. A loss of a great guiding spirit. An unforgettable play. Many goodbyes. A fierce spring. A fallen love. The most beautiful summer of my entire life. A week on the mountains that changed my life. A week of camp. Flashing memories of splendor. And a boy from out of state. A remarriage and a final divorce. A sense of finding oneself…defining oneself. A new year and new challenges. New surprises. A new era…a new theatre. A gorgeous fall. A group of friends unrelentless and scattered. An absolutely breathtaking play and a wash of fears to overcome. Dance performances. Nutcracker. The holidays. All accumulating in 2 splendid weeks in England. Pure bliss. At the end of a long and winding road. A dark, and beautiful long and winding road.

It’s unfathomably amazing what can happen in a year. Absolutely unfathomable. It was a year ago today…I was here…in England…probably writing out the same soppy words and casting away transcendant moments of the year into abyss.

Actually…fascinatinly enough…this is what I wrote exactly this time last year:

36. Sum 2005 up in a few words:: Cruel. Demanding. Winding. Torturous. Beautiful.
37. Will 2006 be as good?:: It will be better. Count on it.

I find
myself rapidly and uncontrollably approaching some vague sense of
end….being thrust violently at the throne of fate. I’m not exactly
sure what I’ve got to look forward to…but at this moment in time…it
appears to be something much more beautifully profound then this hole
I’ve dug…and I seem positive that there’s something swimminig in the
great beyond for me to hold onto…because I am not going down with
this ship.”

Wow. I actually thought I had made it through the storm. I had no idea. No fucking idea. The storm was just brewing.

So then what exactly does that mean? Does that mean have no expectations? Or just continue to strive with hope thinking that justice will prevail only to be plunged even farther into darkness? Eh.

Perhaps it be that we focus too much on the past. Too much on the farewell of this year…and not enough on the I find looking back, I put so much attention into bidding proper farewell to the previous year and so much blind faith in the universe that I had absolutely no regard or preperation for the absolute whirlwind of insanity that befell 2006. I think to myself now, that at the end of 2005, I should have been anticipating the new year in front of me…instead of clinging to the past. Because I don’t honestly care right now…about what pop culture event happened in 2005. I have my memories. That’s always been my horrible horrible problem…just intense sentamentality. 2006 has been badgered and glorified and beaten down to the point of oblivion…it’s amazing really, but true…that by tomorrow night…it will be history. Unfathomable…but truly, probably, an intense relief. Not because it was a bad year…but because it was truly the most intense, horribly gratifying and stunningly sad year of my entire life. I will never forget it. Hopefully. Hopoefully I will never lose the feeling of being 16. Free and tense and full of emotion on the drop of a pin.

But no, what I’m really trying to say…not overly cliche…but is to let go. To acknowledge…and more importantly. Look to the future. Remember the darkest year of your life but don’t expect it to be the last…don’t be so presumptuous to assume that the worst is over and don’t be so nieve to assume that that is a negative thing in anyway. Accept what has happened. What has formed every moment, every pillar of your life and realize that it shapes every moment yet to come. Honor that idea, that fact and that terrifying truth. Cherish the fact that this moment, like every other that has come and gone, is solitarily unique, and no other will ever be like it ever again. And raise your chin to the sky and feel the rain wash all knowledge away. The slate is wiped clean. This is your hour. And the tide recedes. Finally. This is not sad. This itself is beautiful.

This is not the end of the year. It’s the beginning of a new one.

Whatever it be. Be it fire. Be it calm. Be it divine. Be it dark. So long as I am alive and I have breath in my body…I will live it to the fullest. That’s all I need know.

Bring. It. On.

Wow. I actually have highly enjoyed being so free that I didn’t even have the urge to write on this. It has been the most blissful two weeks in a long, long, long time. Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Tomorrow I’m going to London. It’s Emlyn’s 17th birthday today. And it’s going to be 2007 in a matter of days. I have no real other words apart from that.

And now off to enjoy my last two days of bliss before the tide rises again…

I layed in bed last night in the dark…the chill of England settling all about me…and was plagued by so many things. So many thoughts. I doubt I could really translate them all…but I suppose I have alot to write.

ok im not gonna capitalize everything because im using cheryls computer and its really hard to type on.

Well for one thing…Christmas this year felt entirely empty. It was porbaly one of the worst christmases ever…not because anything went wrong or because i was particularly depressed…but just becuase i felt nothing. i lost the christmas spirit and didnt really see what the big deal was. i think that fact itself is depressing. and im really not cynical…it was pretty out of character for me to be feeling this way…but i can’t change it. the way i see it, there are two christmases…there’s the commercial christmas…which centers around santa squeezing down a chimney and consumerism america making everyone buy excessive presents no one really needs…and the fact is i used to love that christmas…and now it just seems shallow to me. and then theres the religious christmas…the “true meaning” of it all…and more and more i find it to be utter bullshit. in years past it seemed even foggier…but now that i am wholly cemented in the idea that i am not a christian…i just find myself being completely phased by it all…glorifying him to such an extent really takes the importance off of everyone and everything else in this glorious world…and i frankly dont care about his “virgin birth”. honestly, is all this big fuss honestly just about the fact that it’s jesus’ birthday? or is it a slowly and readily developped consumerism plot. maybe both. ugh. boy do i feel scroogy. i hate this feeling really i do. i hate thinking this way. i hatethe fact that im saying these things and feeling this way. i try so hard to just find the christmas spirit again…but it never came. it feels a hallow shell. something has been ripped out of me. but even regardless of all that that i said…if you’re supposed to take that away and boil it down to just chistmas is about :love and good cheer”…well why cant we all have love and good cheer all the time? eh. when i was a child i loved both of these christmases…but now neither
of them ring true for me at all. i smile at a christmas tree and then
subconciously am plagued with “yeah, but what does it mean?” and it
gives me nothing…god i wish i could just look past all of this shit like a iused to and just enjoy it purely with love and joy…but now there’s something deeply missing. i wish i could just enjoy it though. bah humbug. …but…all the things that i ever loved about christmas…all the things that ever meant anything to me…i realize now…were the family…and the presents. now i find no shallow pleasure in material things…nor did i actually get any presents this year. not that im upset by that…i am completely and wholly indifferent…which i think is pretty impressive coming from me who used to be such a spoiled and greedy youngest child…but honestly i didnt even give a single thought to presents this year…i completely even forgot they existed. but ontop of that…it’s generally accepted in my family that we dont get christmas presents anymore…we just dont have the funds anymore…i get a stocking…and presents from relatives…but thats it really. my present was going to england. and thats really all i need. im more happy to be here in england than i am about the fact that its christmas. but mostly…of all the times of the year…this is the only time where i really feel the realities of my family situation and the tragedy of it all stare me down. the rest of the year, if i try hard enough…i can force it out of my mind…but during this season it the past seems ghostly and foreign…my present seems utterly and wholly real…and my future seems bleak. i am unable to escape. and boy is it depressing that i’ve got the lonely christmas depression already at the age of 16. its weird that it effects me now…really it is…it just seems so cliche i suppose…but really christmas is the only time where i find myself face to face with my loneliness. the only time that it truly seems blaringly obvious that my family has been ripped apart…shredded…and lazily pasted back together. sure i’m here with “family”…and i absolutely love emlyn and her family i really do….but no matter how hard i try and how much i lie to myself…it’s not the way it should be. it’s not my family. it’s not the family i grew up with. and no matter how many games of balderdash we play…my dad is never there writing innappropriate things laughing loudly and obnoxiously…and no matter how many times we laugh and joke…dan is not there to wrestle bryan to the ground…and no matter how many presents we open…richard is not there making obscure references to some 1940’s japanese film…and no matter how many times i look deep within myself…the girl with so much christmas spirit died long ago…the day her father walked out the door. it’s the saddest thing i’ve ever heard. and it seems…every year its getting readily worse. so i think above all of these things…it truly is the fact that i am alone. and christmas will never be the same again. nothing will ever be the same. i am no longer a child. and i am no longer at peace. that’s what it’s really about.

So Christmas came and went…and I felt nothing.

I’ve never felt like more of a scrooge in my life. At least it’s over now…

there were moments. fleeting golden moments where my heart fluttered in its own way…and i felt something christmasy…but then it felt hallow…there was no meaning behind it…andit would fade. i could count only a couple of these shining moments…but nothin that ever substantially woke me from this dream. i’m not the person i used to be. christmas makes it all too real.

But it’s all alright….in the end…I’ve still got the future…

And well…at least I loved cookies. Alllll those christmas cookies. And cozy old christmas movies. And lights. And christmas carols. And scarves and mittens. And weird looking wrapping paper. And ornaments on trees. And hot chocolate. And the advent calender that you never quite opened all of. And the excuse to wear santa ties and be jolly to all. And Silent Night. I mean I think, in the end, that’s what it’s really all about…eh? At least that’s what its about for me. Because of all those memory and meaning those hold for me. All those simple lovely things that compose a season. And Charlie Brown Christmas. boy. i think charlie brown’s got it all right.

And well…I think above all…it’s really all about love. And I can handle that.

It wasn’t that bad of a christmas after all. quite beautiful actually. in its own way.

Above all…and with every ounce of cheer in my body…

Merry Christmas.

it’s updated:

24.) You no longer have to fear the masculine voice of the old drama director.

so unbelievably not cool it’s not even funny.

You realize that the junior class loves to live out the movie Mean
Girls and is separated into so many cliques that Hun is running out of
room to house them all. The tables above the stairs seem to be a mecca
for the kids who just can not find a group to belong.

WTF? i dont even have words. dumb dumb people.

38.) AHA has now been changed to AhA because our athletic center is a full 6 times larger than our academic center.

Ha. How true is that.

Your art teacher tries to fit the entire student body on one bus to a
New York City museum, so it breaks down on the highway in route.

Ha! Ha!

Your diploma is almost guaranteed after last year when a student got so
trashed at a Hun party that he rang the next door neighbor’s house
naked, got arrested and then broke the cop car window and crawled out.  He still graduated so why not you?  As long as you do not mind walking in the ceremony, no amount of partying will hold you back from a solid Hun education.

Sorry, but I know what actually happened to AJ sweeney and i dont think it’s right to make a comedy out of him publicly

The woman, who taught you about transcendentalism, and respect for
natural aspects of the environment, is an employee at Hollywood Tans
and an avid supporter of skin cancer.

Ha! Hell. MOther. Fucking. Yeah.

59.) There is no dirty dancing quite like that which is displayed at your Hun dance recitals.

HA! Take that Jordan.

Theater is now cool after the new director of the plays writes 6 page
emails to you describing all the reasons you should leave the sports
field, and hit the stage to sing in the musical.

Hey, it worked for some people…

Wow I can’t believe I’m leaving today. It all happened so fast. Alas…

Well…what is there to say?

Next time I’m back here it’ll be 2007.

Well. Here’s to the end and here’s to new adventures.

Here we go.

Hm. And um. I have alot alot that I need to write…because as much as I’m going to have a computer in england…I won’t necessarily have all of the time that I need to really digest and let go of this monstrocity of a year. I wanted to write all about it now but I’m just too exhausted. Ugh. I wish there was more time.

Plus I mean…going to England for two weeks…that’s sort of…I don’t know. I guess it’s good. A part of me soooo incredibly wants to leave. To get away from all of this bullshit. A part of me has been fantasizing about that liftoff from the states for over a month now…boy it’s going to feel so good flying away…but on the other hand…I’ve never had Christmas out of the states and two weeks is the longest I’ve been out of the country…and it’s like my ENTIRE break…I sort of wish I had a little more time here to just waste around…but it’ll be good in the long run I’m sure. Here’s to another adventure I suppose. It’s all before me. And hey, even if it’s all shit…I have Spring Awakening to look forward to once I get back to America. Fuck yeah.

Wow. I actually have an unbelievable amount to write. Maybe I might as well start. I think it’s been like two weeks since I’ve really written anything. Uh…where to begin…maybe go backwards and see if I can remember anything remotely productive…

Today was sort of the first day in a while that I didn’t really do anything. I spent basically all day trying to figure out a way I could go to see Spring Awakening…basically all day…and it ended up that I couldn’t. We even drove to the junction and missed the train by like 2 minutes and we had to go home disappointed. Oh well. Came home and watched silly movies and grinch who stole christmas and opened up more presents with bryan…then hahaha we watched alll the special features on talledega nights…there was like 2 hours haha and then we watched the movie with the director’s commentary which was bascally two hours of him making up COMPLETE bullshit hahah it was so funny. so now it’s 3 in the morning and i did nothing with my day or night but it’s all good. I needed a nothing day.

Yesterday was my last nutcracker shows. Sigh. It was an intense long, long day. I’m not even sure where to begin. It’s been a long journey. A long long journey. 2 months of rehearsals…a month of shows…with people and a role I started off not giving a shit about. But yesterday I woke up sad and disappointed and surprised that it was all over already. It’s still amazing to me. But it was bittersweet. A part of me was glad to have to all over with. A part of me never wants it to end. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do next year. It’s such a part of me…I don’t even know. 7 years I’ve been doing it. It went from being incredibly exciting and new to boring and tiresome to just a part of me…a part of my holiday season…a part of my year and my heart…the music is beyond just a knowledge of it but just become some part of my soul…every melody unique and almost mathematically programmed into me. Anyway. They were in State Theatre, New Brunswick…which is my favorite theatre…I was glad to end there…it just has so many memories and meaning for me. I watch the girls who used to be in my class and are now the workshop girls doing flowers and tear up nearly every single time…Honestly feeling proud for them…and realizing that they are living their dreams…and that honestly I could have done it…if I had watned to…it just wasn’t my dream. It’s not my dream. And that’s not what matters to me…so really…without realizing it…being with the kids was just perfect for me. The childhood nutcracker memories are the only ones I really care about…so to be able to recreate that and relive that is really what I wanted without even knowing. And as much as they drive me absolutely and horrifically nuts…I really did begin to love them…each and every one of them…like a family. It was seriously like a disney movie. At the end of the night we were all hugging and crying and saying we’d never forget each other…it felt like the finale of some cheesy disney movie. But it was such a rewarding experience. The first show was just so much fun…I had nothing to lose anymore…nothing to prove…and you’re in this huge head so I just danced it out and really enjoyed it and felt it and actually felt like a rat. It was so much fun. Then in the second show I just poured everything out. Every last ounce of energy and passion out…I felt like I was going to die on stage…I was sweating through my brains…but I just committed to the moment and waited to faint until I got off stage. It was the last time I would ever do that role…ever do that dance…and I just lived it. And it was brilliant. When we came out for our final curtain call I just felt so whole. Looking up at that huge audience. It’s magical. And what a great experience. What a great year. Actually, surprisingly, one of the best. Being a kid was exactly what I needed. I’m very glad I did it this year. It was the right choice. Thanks for the memories.

In between shows we had like 3 or 4 hours…i dont know why…so me and my mom drove up to the mall there and went to nordstrom and I got a new winter jacket that even though I don’t like it much…it’s really warm. And some good stuff like that so that was fun too. It was such a long day.

After the last show we went to old man rafferty’s, how can you not? That’s the oldest nutcracker tradition in the book. Then bittersweetly and tearfully drove away from the theatre and back home. Until next year…

Well. Friday was quite the adventure too. I had to miss my last day of school before christmas which actually I always enjoy…but that’s okay. It was a nutcracker school show which are fun too. Anyway. It was absolutely and completley the most insane nutcracker show I’ve ever been a part of. If not the most insane show I’ve been a part of period. Just completely out of the blue. Basically…everything that could possibly go wrong went entirely wrong and all at the same time. It was amazing. Quite the experience. It’s always the school shows…

Ahhhh Well so basically it was truly a battle. So we were already a little late putting the ratheads on…and it’s like completely imperative that I get the rat head on put on right or else I can’t see or breathe or anything…and this dumb lady who’s never done it before comes over and it like trying to stick it on my head by like tapping it against my skull and I’m like you fucking idiot. And my music starts playing and Carolyn like rushes over and just slams the rat head on because I’m supposed to go on like that second and so I’m like dazed and confused and my head is not tightened AT ALL so its bouncing around and shit…and so I push on the cup and I can’t see a freaking thing but I just go with it and all I can see is Kate in front of me…I can’t see where I’m going…so I follow her and she fucking goes into the COMPLETELY wrong wing where the cake is coming out and I like completely wipe out on the cake…the massive thing just like runs over me and I’m bleeding and scraped up and like twisted my ankle becuase of that idiot Kate. And I’m crying in my head for someone to help me becuase I’m in pain and I’m not sure I can go on because my legs like aren’t working but no one can hear me becusae I’m in this giant rat head and I’m cursing Kate and theres all this fog coming all over the place and I can’t breathe but I just had to keep dnaicng. The show much go on haha. And so I jumped on stage and did the dance and suddenly everything starts going wrong…I’m crying in pain and because Cindy is all confused and riled up now she forgets to give us our swords and so we go on swordless and they can’t get the nutcrackers glvoes off and we’re messing up the whole dance and I can’t see a single fucking thing and alyssa has an asthma attack ON stage IN her rat head and another girl is crying and everything is a mess and no one is even doing the dance anymore and finally it’s all fucking done and I crawl off stage of this monstrous mess and bang my head right into the wall and sort of stand up right in the middle of the stage beucas eI’m so dazed and confused and then run off and take the fucking hat off and die die die. It was intense man. shwow. So then after alyssa stops having an asthma attack Kate won’t fucking shut up going on and on about poor her she didn’t get a sword and I’m like fuck you no one cares you practically broke my legs you idiot. And then I roll up my tights and my entire calf is bleeding and gross and no one seems to notice becuse Kate is going on and on because she didn’t have a sword. And then finally people start to catch on and they all start flipping out. Hah. Well I wasn’t the first injury in nutcracker ever…the adults get injured all the time…but I was definately the first child injury. Battle wounds. So funny. And so then all the moms go haywire at the sight of blood and freak out and run around and then Cindy comes and yells at me for not telling her sooner and I get all patched up and bandaged up and la-dee-da and then Graham comes in and doesn’t really know whats going on but sort of looks concerned but is still trying to be professsional and he’s still my director so he sort of yells at me for standing up on the stage and then looks at my leg and is very very confused and sort of walks away. it was kind of funny and odd. anyway. it was quite the little drama at nutcracker. it certainly was an experience. then Cindy sent me “straight home” and i got to leave the show early and sort of wobble out and into the lobby and then go home. Fucking idiot Kate. Makes for a good story though. Nice experience. It was actually kinda trippy. Foggy, painful, hazy, fast, intense. Good stuff. Memories.

oh and ed gave us rat presents which was cute.

What was thursday? Thursday was my last day of school before break. During scene we started to set up the set for mattress. it’s all hapening so fast. The only thing I remember other than that was I think P yelled at me but that could have been the other day. And I was so fuming and upset with her that the first person I encountered was Campbell who asked me what P was talking to me about and I basically like exploded at him for no reason. Just like yelling and on the verge of tears. It was really weird. I felt awkward too…once I calmed down…because it was one of the first interactions I’ve had with him in a while. I’m weird and awkward sometimes.
Then we had rehearsal and chwow. It was pleasing. We blocked the very very finale scene…we even have the music. And it’s so much fun. Me and Baker get to have a funny moment. It was sad though…at the end…because we all said goodbye to each other and all hugged and OHHH!!! JEN GOT INTO TISCH! It was the cutest moment ever because she just disappeared in the middle of rehearsal and then appeared later jumping up and down and we all knew immediately and we were all screaming and jumping up and down and boy I am so happy for her. I was actually sooo happy for her at that moment it was insane. I was almost going to cry I was so happy for her…I just know it means so much to her. It was an adorable moment. Anyway. after rehearsal we all said goodbye and it was cute and then i gave elisa and bogie copies of spring awakening and elisa’s reaction was so awesome ahaha she was like screaming. I love them all all all. Then talked to Bobby and Christina and Bogie for a bit after. Mmm. No comment. Then I have no recollection.

Wow. THis is taking a while to write all out. Skeleton for now, and I’ll fill it in later.

Wednesday- School. Leave early for tech/spacing at new brunswick. going crazy cursing at the kids and wanting to leave. racing to NYC. seeing duncan sheik. seeing the spring awakening theatre. coming home at midnight and getting the cd. spazzing and listneing to the cd all night for the first time. amazing.

I REALLLLLY wanted to get into the city to see the live performance in Soho at the apple store…and it was from 6 to 7:30…and they cut my rehearsal short so I thought maybe I could make it…and so our dumb rehearsal got done at 6:15 and I was like yelling at people to get out of my way and then we rushed out and like ran down new brunswick to the train station and the last train was at 6:15 and we thought we missed it but really it was late…and so then we got on and went all the way into the city and then got there at like 7:20…and so we got in a cab and raced to soho…but got there at like 7:40…and then we ran into the apple store…and the guy was like “yeah its all over, everyone’s gone.” and we were so sad…but then decided we might as well go up and check out what it looked like…and so we go up the stairs…and duncan sheik is sitting there cleaning up and i like nearly fainted. and him and steven sater and just like chilling there. and i was like UGHHH. so i went up to duncan and told him how much i love spring awakening and how it’s like changed my life and how i’m obsessed and he said “Good. We like obsessors.” and laughed and then gave me his autograph and wrote it out to me and it was so cute and i was a little starstruck and in love. just becuase these 2 incredible men wrote this gorgeous music and amazing story and they were like standing right in front of me. it was a pretty amazing experience. so worth it. i bet all the people that came before didn’t get his autograph. it was very much worth it. then i sort of skulked around stalking them until my mom finally dragged me out of there. it was pleasing. but really…meeting duncan sheik is so amazing. that’s not something you can do at the stagedoor. and he really is the brains behind the whole thing. so worth it. amazing.

then me and mom went back to broadway and went to the spring awakening theatre and just sort of gawked at it…and went inside the lobby and we could hear “The Dark I Know Well” becuase it was in the middle of the show. It was satisfying. Then we went home. At like midnight. Hah. And I got home and the Spring Awakening CD was sitting there and I completely spazmed. I listened to it over and over again until like 4 in the morning. So satisfying. It really is an incredible cd. I was sooo pleased. Jumping around and singing my heart out. It was an unforgettable experience. This musical has changed my life. It is my life.


Tuesday- school. no cd. no remember anything else. rehearsal. fun times. making funny faces at bobby and doing funky walking around exercise that bogie did before savage too. cuteness.

Monday- school. rehearsal. first real one. learning ensemble songs all together in russell. adorable. i love.

Sunday- Spring Awakening opening night. So pleasing. Basically spazzing about that all day. Saw The Holiday with Jeremy.

Saturday- Shwow. No recollection. Oh no wait. Oh yeah yeah. I had a nutracker show in the afternoon in trenton. last show in trenton. then saw richie’s play that night! teehee. with sam and amy. aw that was so cute richie was like harassing me. it was pleasing.

Friday- DASHBOARD CONCERT. FUCK YEAH. The SKETCHY man on the train with me and christina. shamazing. first mattress rehearsal ever. read through. big speech. first ghostligth. INSANELY huge cast and unsure how on earth to handle that. kind of upset about role. eh. school show in trenton in the morning. spending allll morning going crazy wondering about the cast list when really it had gone up the night before ugh. getting to school for the last period and blah. conor’s understudy. eh.

Right right. So I’m the jester’s understudy. Which is fine. And in one way a relief…but on the other hand…really sort of blows hard. I have to do ALL the same work as Conor…memorize ALL the same lines and shit and I STILL have to sing…but I don’t actually get to be the role or have the comfort of knowing I deseve the role. And even if I took over the role, I wouldn’t feel  like I actually deserved it. Ugh. The whole thing sorta sucks. And then I guess Bogie forgot to give me another role…he seriously did…like when we went around announcing our roles I said I was the jester’s understudy and he was like “Yeah, and aren’t you something else?” Me: No. Bogie: Are you sure I didn’t give you any other role? Me: Yup. Bogie: Oh. Shit. And this was like in front of the whole entire cast. Thanks Bog, for forgetting to cast me in the musical. Real nice one.

Eh. Whatever. I guess it just means I don’t have to worry as much…and I don’t have to worry abut the singing thing as much….but relaly….I was at the point where I really wanted to get over it…I wanted to conquer it. Ugh.

Well then Christina and I went to dashboard concert. Haha it was so random…I just like grabbed her and put her in the car and took the train in….it was pleasing. And even though she didn’t know any dashboard at all…she was enthusiastic and happy…she was probably the best one I could have found to go last minute…and seriously our seats were like the highest things ever. They were insane. That place was mother fucking HUGE. And we were sooo far away. But it actually wasn’t any less amazing. It wasn’t as good as the first time, naturally, but still…pretty amazing. Chris Carrabba is like my life. We went down to like leaning over the balcony pole…and there was just SOO many people there…it was such a different experience…but amazing…to be a part of this throbbing, screaming mass of teenagers…defining teenage heartache…and just wailing out your lungs…a huge, massive group of thousands all singing together…it was the first time I had really felt the energy and size of this huge body. It was an incredible feeling to look down on it all. In the end, when he played Vindicated and Hands Down…it was one of the most incredible moments ever…just this group of thousands of people all united by this man…by this song…and ALL together singing their hearts out…me screaming over the banister…it was a beautiful testament to youth. Plus he played AWESOME old school stuff like The Places You Have Come to Fear The Most.

THEN the train ride was SOOOO pleasing with the SKETCHIEST man ever that came and stalked me and christina…moaned outside our door…did jazz hands at us…and then got off the train and knocked on the window outside of it. It was absolutely amazing. amazing. Lovely lovevly day.

Thursday- school. shma. can’t go to call backs (thank god) because of tech rehearsal in trenton. tech rehearsal in trenton all night. eh.

Wednesday- AUD-FUCKING-ITIONS. UGHHHH. no words no words. It was awful. Awful. Awful. I don’t know why I put myself through that or why I phsyched myself out so much…but I really really did and it was completely unnecessary. I spent the entire day completely freaking out…to a highly unnecessary degree…and then when it finally came time for my audition I was just a ball of uselessness. I got in there and the dancing was beyond easy…then I sang Mama Who Bore Me and…well my voice wasn’t shjaking or anything…but it still wasn’t great. Then they made me sing happy birthday and i sucked. Then I ran away and ran all the way home. It’s just not a good experience. It’s not even something I can explain either. It’s a horrible horrible brick wall for me. Ugh.

Tuesday- Auditions. But backing out becuaseI’m a worthless little shit. Yeah. I physhced myself out SO much all day to the point where I couldn’t even audition. I felt sooo shitty about myself. Ugh.

Monday- Freaking out about auditions sitll. Watching movies to calm nerves.

Sunday- Freaking out probably.

Saturday- Seeing Spring Awakening! Shyay!

So it’s all over again.

Nutcracker is over.

A part of me feels free and relieved. The other part feels on the verge of tears.
It’s bittersweet.


Here’s to being a kid for the last time.

Because I have no life: Some highlights from reviews and such and such…

“Every now and then, critics get a chance for a
do-over. Case in point: “Spring Awakening,” the rock-music reimagining
of Franz Wedekind’s 1891 broadside against the sexual hypocrisies of
provincial Germany. When it opened off-Broadway this summer, I could
barely wait to get home and type the following:

“‘Spring Awakening’ is the most thrilling rock musical of the last decade.”

months later, as so often happens, passions have simmered. Opinions
have deepened and clarified. So allow this cooler head to modify the
above sentence. “Spring Awakening” is, in my measured opinion, the most
thrilling rock musical ever.”

“Some theatergoers would rather not watch a
young man masturbate to a picture postcard while speaking of Othello’s
Desdemona, and it’s hard to fault them for that.”

“”Spring Awakening” did not merely open at the Eugene O’Neill Theatre
last night. The action was more like ripping open, more like breaking
out, more like tearing into the pretend pop and reused plots that pass
for new musicals on Broadway today.”

Elysa Gardner for USA TODAY wrote that “Beautiful,
messy, exhilarating, awkward, vital: They’re all adjectives you might
use to describe first love. So it’s fitting that you could also readily
apply them to Spring Awakening, the imperfect but transcendent new musical that opened Sunday at the Eugene O’Neill Theatre.”

Hah. I always sort of held a grudge against Lea Michelle (the lead in Spring Awakening…who has sex on stage with jonathan groff) for being the one that jonathan has sex with hahaha and etc…but I read a bunch of interviews with her and now I love her…she’s so sweet…and sort of reminds me of sarah…anyway…some lea quotes:

I love Jonathan Groff with all of my heart — he is my best friend in
the entire world, and I couldn’t imagine being here without him. -Lea Michelle

Q: What are some of your dream roles?

Michele: Oh my gosh, I have so many. I will be honest — I want to be Elphaba in Wicked. Let me be Elphaba in Wicked, and I’ll be happy.