[[The Necessary Love Questions That Aren’t So Necessary]]
Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they weren’t? sure?
Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school? haha perhaps…
Have you ever liked a girl/boy but didn’t ask her/him out because you were shy? im pretty sure that that is the entire story of my life. unexpected but true.
Have you ever written a poem or story about your life? hahahahahaha. what a funny question.
Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but your crush? an hour? much longer than that
Have you ever liked someone solely for their appearance? maybe….

[[The Questions You Love: Completely and Utterly Pointless Ones]]
Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis? that’s not a lovable question
Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization? not at all. except a little ocd.
Have you ever been to South America or Africa? nah
Do you know how to knit? bitch please.
Do you have an iPod with a patterned cover? who does that?
Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in your profile?hahahaha who does THAT? (laruen latella)
Do you keep a diary or journal online? hahahahahhaha. no not at all.
When you open your closet, what is the dominant color of your closet? color.

[[Truly Unusual This or That Questions]]
Baskin Robbins or Coldstone
America or Canada?
Physics or chemistry?
Earphones or headphones?
Pink or Teal?
Earrings or a ring?
Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?
Fly or road trip? i dont know actually…
Starbucks or Caribou? what??

[[Another Wave of Random Questions]]
What is your favorite Disney movie? OMG how could i pick??
How much jewelry do you own? like not much.
Have you ever bought clothing at Sears? i dont know…

Something you hate about the person you love:
that hes an asshole and is in love with someone else

Something you wish your mother or father had warned you about:
life. themselves.

Something that’s holding you back from achieving your dreams:
myself. fear.

Something you think you could win an award for:
being obnoxious

Something you fear more than anything:
you

Something you wish people would understand:
so so very much.

Something that keeps you going everyday:
ALEX LEVIN.

Something amazing that happened last summer:
hah. i opened my eyes.

Something you hate that people say:
poopy. sorry jackie.

Something you refuse to pay money for:
um. connor?

Something you wish you could have told that person that you never saw again:

i love you.

Something that really stands out about last year:
hahahahaha. far far too much.

Something you like that everyone else thinks is weird:
um. so much. bubble tea? musical theatre? not everyone. but some.

Something that makes you laugh every time it happens:
my life.

Something that makes the problems in your life not seem so bad:
bubble tea, bent spoon cupcakes and mat.

Something you listen to when you’re in a really good mood:
ummmmmmmm. music. spring awakeninggggg.

Something you do when you’re trying to calm down:
cry.

Something you do when you wake up at three AM:
i never do. hah. ever.

Something you love doing on cold rainy days:
pantsing myself.

Something you absolutely love about that Certain Person:
that he’s a douche. actually the way he laughs.

Something amazing that’s happened this year:
um. SPRING AWAKENING.

Something that you always run into/trip over:
mrs. stevenson.

Something that irritates you more than anything:
high schoolers.

Something you’re addicted to/can’t stop doing:
my mother fucking hair twirl.

Something you had to give up but didn’t want to:
being a whore.

Something that really stands out about you:
my huge erect penis.

Something about you that’s like everyone else:
the fact that im a conceited little btich.

Something that you say a lot that others have picked up on:
haha pleasing

Something that makes you change the channel:
naked old men

Something you wish you could change about your life:
well. thats a question.

Something you think about every night before you go to sleep:
sexing spengler

Something that you don’t think will ever change about you:
my heart

Something about you that you think will soon change:
my pants

Something that broke your heart as a child:
teh father

Something that really sparks your interest:
hairy backs.

Something the opposite gender has complimented you on:
nothin.

Something you wish that Certain Person would see in you:
my sex.

Motehr fucking english groups from hell. Musical auditions around the corner with no courage or resolve in sight. Mother fucking friends disappearing right before my eyes. Feeling awkward even in the theatre. Fucking french term paper due tomorrow.

All problems with no solutions. Fuck fuck fuckity.

Well maybe there’s a couple solutions…I just don’t like any of them.

I seriously came home and screamed my lungs out to Totally Fucked and every word seemed to reverberate within me. All pent up teenage angst.

At least I’ve got Trenton.

I’m thinking everytime I head These Boots Are Made For Walking for the rest of my life I’m gonna think of Savage. Boy I miss it.

Today was nice. Yesterday was nice. It’s been weird too.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve become overly optimistic. Almost protectively optimistic. Like I’m afraid to delve deeper and darker again because I’m afraid of getting hurt and lost again. Like if I felt this way that year…I would nothave been able to get through all that I did. I don’t know. But sometimes I feel like I’m sugar coating life and looking for easy answers. That’s not the way I should be living. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe everything is happening as it should. Heh. There’s the petty optimism again. Maybe it’s all I have. It’s just the same as hope, eh?

Yesterday I watched Saved after schoola t went to bed at 9. Weird.
Today I had to walk around town for a while and then do work in the library for a while. It’s 1 and I’m still awake.
Yesterday Connor refused to give me my belt back and insisted that “he didn’t want anyone else’s belt but mine.” wtf does that even mean.
Today Connor was so cute. But hahahah Whitt walked by just as I was sitting on Connor’s lap and he was motorboatig me. He’ll never let me live that one down.

Bogie walked by me surrounded by like 5 guys…sitting in Jeremy’s lap getting a massage. We stuck our tongues out at each other. It’s so not a healthy relationship.

Will’s “love” was Radiohead girl. It was weird.

Mark is being awesome again.

Talledaga Nights comes out the same day as the spring awakening cd. DECEMBER 12TH will be the best day of my life.

We watched an interview of my brother all day in video class. It was weird.
Yesterday we

I realized that this is it. This is my time. I’ve said that before but it hit me in a different want today. I’ve been looking forward to this all for so long…and I had expected it to happen in a certain way. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so disappointed lately. But I see now that I’m just having my own experiences. In my own way. And that’s just as valid.

I’ve been reading some Sartre. I was always opposed to existentialism becuase I think it gets put in a grinder and filtered and compounded and compiled into this weird concept and then dumb people just use it as a word becuse they think it conveys something that will make them sound smart when really it’s entirely thewrong use of the word. Anyway the point is as much as I was opposed to it for that reason…but then reading it is mother fucking scary. Not becuase I don’t like it. Quite the opposite- Some of his ideas are like word for word from my mouth. Like written on my xanga. And I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t even know. Same fucking thing with Trancendentalism. I don’t want to sound stupid but I seirously didn’t know about it before we started studying it in class. And when we first watched that first video like my jaw was dropped the entire time. I don’t want to sound retarded or anything but it was not like I agreed with what they were saying…it was like I had said that myself. I had come to that conclusion on my own. It’s all very strange. I find it an incredibly interesting experience. Coming up with my own personal philosophy at the same time as researching philosophy and finding them so often entirely coinciding. It’s fascinating. Anyway. I’ve also come to believe that to solely follow one philosophy or religion is not right at least for me. I have alot of different ideas from alot of different things. I don’t have time to get into it and I feel like I’ve written it before. But I find it fascinating that there is just as much pf my ideas in existentialism as there are in trancendentalism…and they’re so polarly different. Everything’s very interesting to me. And I’m learning so much every moment of everyday.

I guess that’s pretty much it.

It amazes me and upsets me how Sarah and I’s relationship has fallen from best friends, to “too busy”, to “haven’t seen each other in a while”, to “drifting apart”, to “catching up”, to “keeping in touch.” Keeping in touch. That fact makes me so sad. I find it so sad that we’re old friends now instead of good friends. It really does make me sad. And amazes me. How we worked and built this relationship since we were eight wyears old…that’s half my life…to just to have it dwindle away over a matter of months. And it makes me so sad that now…in one of the greatest points in her life…at potentially the start of her career  and this great triumph for her finally…I’m not there for her. We can say that “high school happened” and that since we both stopped ballet it became difficult to maintain and that now we’re so busy. But it’s the point that we can’t admit to each other but that we know secretly…that it went from “too busy right now” to “too busy for one another.” We’re too busy to have each other in our lives now…which means we can’t make the time for each other…which means, not that we can’t…but that we don’t. It really does make me sad.

I miss her. Just like I miss alot of people in my life. Strange as it is…I miss Melissa. I miss Caroline and Jon. I miss Campbell. I miss Bob. I miss Rob. Maybe I don’t necessarily miss them themselves…but I miss having them in my life. Maybe it’s that I miss the me that existed with them. Sigh.

Sigh. So I guess Thanksgiving break is over. That sucks. But it was a good one. I’m sort of at a icky point in my life where I’m feeling unsatisfied with things so I’m not really…yeah. I’m not making sense. But the ability to be free for a week was blissful. It verged on feeling like summer again. Lovely.

Well I guess this is goodbye…

Christmas break is just around the corner. And at the same time…Christmas is right around the corner. But I feel like I can’t just try to get through these three weeks and get to Christmas break like I normally would. This time…I really want to earn it. Three weeks is longer than it seems and if I really put the effort in I think break will feel so much sweeter. But at the same time…I’m so…nervous. Just in general. Towards life. I guess I’ve got so much going on in my head I feel like I’ve forgotten something or forgotten to do something. And mostly I’m nervous for what’s coming up theatre wise. I’m nervous about Bogie’s “audition intensive workshop” and I’m nervous for auditions and just for acting in general. I know it’s crazy but a week off built up my barriers a little bit. But that’s really what it’s about for me. Building barriers and breaking them down. But look how far I’ve come so far. I battled my complete worst fear. If you had told me at the beginning of the year to get up on the stage alone and sing a song acappella with full acting infront of all these people that I adore…I probably would have dropped the class. But not only did I get through it…I really also burned some bridges. By the time I walked onstage for my final final presentation of it…sure, I was nervous as hell…but I wasn’t terrified…I was ready and I was calm and I was steady. Maybe I didn’t rock it but I also didn’t fail it. And the fact that I could do that is great for me. So I feel as much as I want to give up and take it easy and just get through it all…I can’t. What I really need to do is push further…keep pushing farther than I ever have before. Break down all the walls. There’s still so much holding me back. So much I don’t even realize. What am I afraid of? If I invest in this…commit to this…It’ll all be so much more worth it than if I just ‘get through it.’ Boy am I glad I feel this way. ….I think.

But it also scares me. The fact that I’m nervous and dreading everytime we have to do anything. It makes me think how the fuck am I expecting to do this for a living if I can’t even bring myself to do a monologue infront of my acting class? But then I think….I’ve got a long way to go…and I’ve made more progress in these past three months than I have in my entire life. And I’ve still got years ahead of me. And I’ve got the thing I really need…passion for it. This is what I want to do. And if I put my whole heart into it…well…I guess I can’t give up now.

I had no problem dancing whatever for whoever. I just didn’t have the passion for it. I have the passion for this but I can’t crawl out of my skin enough and get the balls to put myself out there. Ugh. Come on Lauren.

Just don’t. Give. Up.

Anyway I have to write about today. Well I woke up and bummed around and then went shopping with momma to get school stuff and such and such like a new calculator. went to target and walmart. it was satisfying. then i went to the lake. my mom must be so scared of me…i just go without anything but my ipod and shes like…do you need anything? and im like no. and shes like what do you do there? just think? and im like yup. and she gives me this weird face. ha.

anyway. the lake was amaizng. i mean really. amazing. one of the best times ive been there. there’s really no words. i just sit by the side of the lake for a few hours…walk through the woods…and breathe in fresh air. i got to sit in the middle of the waterfall again and it was absolutely breaufiul. this time i was there through the sunset and i swear it’s one of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. how can you not see the beauty in simple things? i dont understand. i had this sort of weird “everything is happening just as it should” feeling. not that it’s all happening for a reason. that implies predetermination. and why must everyone always put so much stress on answers and reasons and goals. just existence is enough for me. and i feel like this is happening in the exact way that it should…becuase it happens that way. and i’m a part of creating that. i get to create the future…and because the future happens in a certain way…that is precisely how it should happen in this reality. it’s a simple realization…but i don’t see why more people dont grasp it. and i can’t put it into words either. it was a miraculous feeling though. the sun set in this beautiful way and i sat there not so that something else could happen…but merely becuase it was beautiful. why must it all be cause and effect? why can’t these moments all just exist because they exist. but also at the same time the world, in its way…is entirely perfect. in a harsh, rough, tragically beautiful way. i could only see the beauty of that sunset in seeing tragedy. only through my frustration can i ever reach any i can only feel this way because of the journey i have taken. and in that way…everything is happening exactly as it should. it’s a feeling. not really something i can explain. i mean obviously that point of “perspective through bad and good etc” is not new and i’ve felt that way forever…it was just a new feeling of it. and it made me smile.

well all that didn’t come out how i meant…but in my head it’s clear.

i’m so glad i went. it’s beautiful.

More and more these days I feel my mind slipping…I’m not even joking. And it’s terrifying.

Then i came home…blubbed…took a nice bath. blobbed. worked. ohhh last night i cleaned up my room now i remember. sorry. random thoughts. then i watched desperate housewives…soo sketchy it was tonight. and now i can’t sleep. i haven’t gone to bed before 3 in the past week. but sigh. i guess tomorrow really is school. ugh.

Well anyway. Here’s to a fantastic thanksgiving break…love to my family…what’s left of it…hope for the future…and a look at the beauty all around…and really. Not giving up. Pushing through these next 3 weeks…not getting through them…in all aspects. Also…mending old friendships. I’ve got alot on my mind. Sigh.

Oh and for now…I’ve given up on Tommy. Just sort of lost interest in a man that only thinks of himself, his penis, and another girl. It’s good for now. I mean I haven’t given up completely…I just can’t do this weird thing anymore. Especially if he’s in love with someone else. And you know…it doesn’t hurt that bad. It doesn’t hurt hardly at all. So this is good.

And now…let go of fear. And make it all worth it. Don’t let a moment slip by. Break down the walls. Fearless.

Here’s to life. I am thankful for this moment.

I think the word to adequetely describe is frustrated.

But that’s not enough. After a certain point…words let me down.

I feel. I don’t know what I feel. But I feel something. Something unexpected and something not enjoyable. Not what I wanted. There isn’t a word to express it. It’s some sort of emptiness within me. Disappointment at where my life is leading me. Uncertainty? Maybe just exhaustion. And the more I try to pin it down to words, the more it seems to escape me. It’s not a puzzlepiece or a piece of an equation. It’s not a word. It’s just a feeling.

And I don’t know what it is.

But I know I don’t like it.

And I’m frsturated because I thought I had reached the point where I didn’t need to worry or think about these things. It’s not that it’s something in a social circle that I’m opposed to. At least it’s not something like that. It’s something wrong with me. But I guess that’s not any better. And probably more difficult to fix.

These circles seem more like armies. Like clouds that won’t answer to the sun but that are so swiftly moved by the wind. Bodies of water unable to cross or be crossed. They sway back and forth…each wave with it’s own course…bumping and pushing into each other…all washed essentially into the same pool. They seem abstract colors forced into a shape. It seems unnatural and all the same…uncommonly powerful. Mysteriously intertwined. And only at partially fractured moments do they ever shed any light onto our mass of disfunction. And that light is supposed to be enough to sustain us. And sometimes it does. But the darkness is slowly creeping into me and I don’t have any more metaphors to run away from.

“Spring Awakening explodes on the stage and pours out over the audience like hormones raging through a sixteen year-old body. It is a story of uncontrollable emotions and undeniable passions, of first love and lasting regrets. But most remarkably, it is a musical that answers the questions teenagers have been asking forever.”

-I shlove.

Well boy. It’s been a really great Thanksgiving break. Sigh. Well. Boy it has felt like summer. I don’t want it to end. And I am so dreading going back. For so mayn reasons…It feels like it’s flown by and at the same time it seems to have lasted forever. My perceptions are a little skewed. Well anyway. I haven’t written since…monday.

So Tuesday was Jmo’s birthday. Twas nice. Twas pleasing. Jeremy decided to just show up at my house in his new car. And the next few hours were some of the best of my life. We just drove. Blasting music…windows down…riding around in one of my best friend’s new car…picking a direction and going. Me and Emlyn and him getting lost together. And we seriously drove around for a few hours or so. It was so satisfying. Got bent spoon…and then continued driving. Blasting rap. Blasting Chasing Cars. Just everything. Sticking my head out the window and watching the stars fly by. I felt so free. So teenage. It was lovely. Anyway. That was really all I needed for his birthday. That’s something I’ve been wanting to do forever. But then we had his actual party. We went to Chuck E Cheese. Best idea ever. Crawled around in tunnels for a few hours. Danced around. Ate pizza. WEIRD ass making out sketchiness with Jeremy. Twas brilliant. I love my friends. Sometimes.

Mostly this break, I’ve felt like a child again. Which is amazing in some ways. Not all ways, but alot of ways.

Then I came home and played Sims for a few hours. Ruddy brilliant.

Then Wednesday I was woken up by Julia Wong and Emlyn at the foot of my steps. Nice one. So I dragged myself out of bed and we set to work on the GREATEST CAKE EVER. I won’t even go into it. I won’t. It’s jkust too beautiful. But it took us like 2 hours of hardcore cake baking time to make it. And it’s a mother fucking masterpiece. Iced in cookie dough. What a great way to spend the day though. All 3 of us in pajamas…cooking a cake and blasting beastly music. Then we all curled up on the couch and watched pleasing movies like A Walk to Remember and Center Stage. Then Julia went home. I don’t remember whathappened after she went home. I don’t. Played more massive Sims. Oh yeah! The whole family watched V for Vendetta. I’m a little obsessed.

OMG I forgot about monday night. Me and Emlyn just smoked things. Just THINGS. It was soo satisfying. and then we had a burning. of shit. burned campbell;s name. tommy’s name. pictures. it was freeing and awesome and intense.

ok im hurrying this up now.

thursday was thanksgiving. so fine. slept in real late. watched serendipity. ate. richard and christina came! it was nice to see them. the table was full…but it still seems weird these days. just holidays are weird without my real family. we sat around for hours talking about philosophy and film and richard ranting. it felt like the good old days and i felt happy. then we played a nice long game of balderdash. classic classic. it all made me happy.

friday was UGH. 2 shows. at mccarter. no words. long long long day. suprun yelling at me. little fucking rats BEATING me with their tails as i tried to sleep. scaring little children with my ipod. performing like fuck. feeling really sick. but i still loved being on stage. there were moments when i thought…yes. this is all worth it. i couldn’t have not done it.

i don’t remember what happened that night……….
uhh.

then watched the end of pretty sammy with bryan late into the night. laughed with him and talked with him and boy it felt like summer again. i love bryan i really do. we’re so close. oh wow maybe im mixing up all my nights i really don’t know. but sometime i went to bryan’s dorm. we snuck out in friedman’s car at like 3 and drove to his dorm and i got to see yvon’s room and such. it’s cool being on a college campus and such. and then came home and played guitar hero. chyeah. i guess im mixing up my nights and sammy was a different night. oh well.

Then TONIGHT. Emlyn and I spent 2 hours photoshopping the GREATEST PICTURE EVER. I don’t know what’s wrong with us. OH and submitting our SPRING AWAKENINGS.

and i talked to tommy everynight too. im getting sick of him and being the “gal pal” to talk to about his “undying love for sevil”. i can’t do that right now. i just can’t.

saturday night i went to a movie with bryan and such. drove around to like 5 different movie theatres ugh. what did i do during the day? i hvae no recollection that’s upsetting. seriously. oh i went on a bikeride i remember that…. aweee. then stayed up late playing guitar hero and good stuff like that and then watched george of the jungle to top of the bryan and laurenness of thanksgiving break. i love our time together. and george of the jungle was such an us movie from our childhood…it was fitting and sweet. stayed up till 5 with him. shlove him. then went to bed.

wow that was all very confused but i got it out. phew.