I think I might be mentally unstable.
But this world is fascinating.
Mmmmm. Another nice long day full of adventures. I had to wake up at like 10 which sucked and then go to tech call for the play at 11…but when i got there there was like no one there and boggie was being sketchy so i decided to just not go…so then i went home and actually did my health project during the hour i had at home. i was proud of myself. then i went to rat rehearsal at 1….was fun…quality stuff. ed is the rat king which should be really fun. good stuff. its a fun role. then that ended at 3and i had another rehearsal at 4 so i just hung around the ballet school till then. it felt like the good old days. i went down to mccaffreys and got some food and shit…then talked to mat onthe phone for a bit. then sat in the dressing room and did french homeowrk. i was so productive. then i had the first rehearsal for this momix, interpretive, improvisational modern dance encased in fabric. its so randombut SO cool man. im glad im doing it its a cool new experience. you’re like in this bag of fabric like rolling around. its so bloody fantastic. and like all the people that are doing it are like the girls that were in my level and now are above me so it was sort of awkward when they first walked in…but im so beyond caring now. now i just go up to them and say hi beucas ei really dont give a fuck. and niall and tyler are doing it too which is exciting and fun too. yeahhh…anyway. it was really interesting. i enjoyed it. then i got home at like 6ish…
then i went for my bikeride to the park…and actually…it was totally sketchy. it was probably the latest i had biked to the park…ever. and normally i watch the sunset there…but when i got there the sun had already gone down and it was that bizarre time of day where it begins to get dark and the darkness settles all around you…crawling into your soul…and so it was actually fascinating. biting cold and darkness settling in…and i really enjoyed it. i listened to really depressing music and just let depression and emotion take hold of me. i sat there motionless on the swing for a really long time…feeling fear trickle into myself. it was fascinating. being able to accept that all of this is life. i feel like lately ive been trying too hard to rid myself of last year and my past by focusing too much on the light and the future and being at peace and happiness with the world. and thats wonderful, but its not all. and i cant preach about accepting all of life while pushing the darkness away. i need to embrace it. and i found beauty in that moment in a MUCH different way than i had before. it was really incredible. and good. mostly what is important, is not ridding myself entirely of the past and it’s effects…but being able to be in that same moment…and finding my way out of it. seeing the beauty in that moment. seeing the light in that darkness. transcending my fear. it was magical. and then i swung to “what i did for love” and it took so much out of me…i was like ferociously swinging and crying and feeling every bit of pain i had in my life and channeling it. it was ruddy brilliant. and then i biked out to “Both Sides Now”…and i know its pathetic…but i really am afraid of the dark. and it was that awful time of day where its not like pitch black yet, but its close…so everything seems demented, out of vision and creepy…and i biked out and just embraced my fear and the darkness and all aspects of the beauty of that moment…and suddenly…i swear…i could see…in the darkness…i could honestly cast light around that forest…just with my heart…i felt as if i was biking in pure daylight. it was the trippiest, most magical moment ever.
life is fascinating if you open your eyes in all directions.
and when i got home, and rang the doorbell, my mom opened the door at exactly the time of the very last note. i breathed air into the dark night sky and then i walked into my home.
and that’s when i was assured that i’m thoroughly mentally unstable.
call me crazy…but I’m getting more out of life then I ever have before. It’s childlike intellect and pain through the enchanted eyes of an innocent believer. It’s wrapping fragile arms around a thornbush and setting your heart on fire and finding your arms unscathed. It’s fascinating.
mmm. I miss Tommy. But in a rational way. Sigh. I think I need to let go…
anyway. then i did some work and laughed and poked emlyn and then watched desperate houswives which was thoroughly pleasing and i HATE this advanced scene assignment and im going to fail at life. but its all okay. because i am alive.
well. it was a good weekend. let’s make it a brilliant new week.
and now for some quotes and avatars that relate to me for no reason:
Yes. Life is beautiful.