Um. Hm. Okay. It’s actually one of the first times in a long while, since I was young, that I’ve left a movie thoroughly confused. Hm. Not confused…well…I’m not sure.


“Rather than giving us pat answers, Van Sant bases his approach on the
elusiveness of truth, and our insatiable desire to know more. The imagery
and camerawork are almost painfully beautiful, while the disconnected
narrative deliberately withholds closure. On top of all this, the pacing is
superb, slowly building up the almost unbearable tension. When it is finally
released, the explosion hits you with a frightening energy that is as
unforgettable as it is chilling.”


Mmm. I agree with that. And I’m beginnign to see this film in a new light. I like it.

Welllll. How has life been. Life has been magical. Becuase I’ve decided so.

Friday was long long and intense and sort of wonderful at the end. School was like mah. Switch day which is always really uber sketchy and disturbing. But that’s okay. It’s amusing. Um. First was physics which was nothing…then um…health and i didn’t do my project so i got in trouble but marks was so pleasing so it made up for it…then i had advanced scene…we did physical stuff and getting the cheese. so that was pleasing. advisories was nice. we made quesadillas. and cambell was in a miniskirt so it pleased me. then video was hot we made a film which was retarded and then got ready to watch run lola run which im really excited for. then english is english. then math was dumb dumb. then during my free i was supposed to write an essay but i was really exhausted so i just lied down on the bench for a second to relax…fell asleep for the entire period and was like drooling all over the bench. not pleasing. then i was soo exhausted going to french. but its okay. i went to the bathroom for a while and laughed with connor. yeah. that was my day i believe.

then after school i had to like run to giselle so we could model for the new giselle nutcracker ad. so i got all dressed up in tutus and shit and we took a bunch of pictures with erica miro and sarah mahoney…it was cool. i hope the pictures come out well.

then we had to rush back to hun and i got to play practice at like 4 and had to like rush onto the stage and go into it. so i wasnt like that into  it at first but then i got better. reherasal went till like 5:30 and it was so fun. yeah i dont remember much about rehearsal. bogie told us about ninky pote. then after that we had a tech call so i actually ended up staying through for it. so i talked to bogie until like 6:30 and we started painting the stage. i knew i wanted to be thre to paint my stage. it was like a spiritual thing for me haha. my beautiful gorgeous stage who had been through so much. i had walked on that black paint and layed, cried, laughed, sang, danced there since 7th grade…and now we’re painting over the whole thing with bright white paint. it was the end of the ohm era. i mean i think it was good for me too, to be able to shed myself of that and start over new…but still it was a very emotional thing, and all of us knew it too…we all walked solemnly around the stage for a while before painting over it…remembering…saying goodbye…it was so sad. and i tried to remember that at the same time that it was the end of the ohm era and my old life…it was the beginning of this new era…new beginnings. and we listened to godspell and then avenue q and then rent. it was such an adorable, theatre geeky, bonding spiritual thing. and then finally. we opened the paint, poured it out…and i spread a thin white layer of paint all over the stage. carefully and patiently covering up every memory. every fragment of every inch of me. all the scuffings of shoes and all the spit and tears i shed on that beautiful stage. it was sad and it was cleansing and it was important to me. and at the same time, i loved the experience with the people too…we were all laughing and singing rent and reminiscing. i wouldhave been happy just sitting there painting all night long. but i had to leave at 8 or so to get to shadybrook. but that really was a lovely experience.

then i went to shadybrook and emlyn and i like missed everyone going on the hayride so we got to walk around shadybrook for like 20 minutes. i got popcorn and apple cider and sat by the bonfire and warmed myself and was so happy. so in tune with the world and so enchanted. watching the fires, feeling the cold on my skin, the smells of wood and the taste of the crisp apple cider. i could have sat there all night. after a couple of minutes randomly emlyn and i got seperated and i actually didnt even go bothering to look for her. i was just so at peace right where i was that i just sat on a bench and took in the moment. the gleaming, clear stars above me and the crackling fire infront of me. it was embracing all of fall and it was so wonderful.

that was such a lovely moment, but then my friends got there and believe it or not it acutally got even better. the night just kept getting better and better. i cant explain why or how, i was just so at peace with my friends and i just had an uncanny, unimaginable amount of love in my heart for them. i just so admired each and every one of them for everything. just for being there. for laughing with me and smiling and running around under the stars. there was like 16 of us which was actually unexpectedly big. and i just didnt care about any social problems. i just wanted to be with them and hug them.

well so we ran to the haunted house and then had to wiat in line forever. and then we had to split into 2 groups of 8 and my group was like me and christina and trey and emlyn and jmo and miles and jen and sam and jess (i think) and stuff like that. so pleasing. and so we went in and it was just os much pure fun. i mean actually the haunted house wasnt that scary as i thought it was going to be, but just running around and screaming with my friends made it so much fun. and trey was like SO pleasing! he was screaming and being goofy it was so much fun. and “Leeches in the ass”…aw it was so juvenile and adorable. all of it. i had to hol;d emlyn’s hand the whole time though cuz im mad afraid of everything. then finally at the end we went through like a cemetary and then a huge lucifer ran at us and it was basically orgasmic. then once we were done we all just laughed about it and ran away. it was quality. then we went back to the like band/bonfire area and we were all fired up and the band on this like huge stage was like “hey if anyone wants to dance come on” and so like naturaly i like spring to the stage and i guess we misinterpreted that as like go on the stage…so before i know it… ALL nearly 20 of us have climbed up onstage with this random band and are just dancing like theres no tomorrow just for the hell of it. it was actually a really magical moment. i actually looked behind me and felt all of my friends behind me and i just felt so alive and i honestly thought to myself “wow. i love my friends”. it was the sort of moment we’ll look back on later. it was so adroable i just cant explain.

unconditional love was what it was. i didnt care what was wrong with them or what they did to each other, just that they’re crazy and wacky and willing to start a random dance party and laugh. it was awesome. then we got kicked off the stage and hahaha that wasnt the end. oh no. then there was like this group of sketchy college kids out of no where like challeneged jeremy to a dance off and it was ABSOLUTELY hilarious…and we like had a dance off with these random sketchy people and haha everyone was doing all this random shit and then randomly jeremy just took of his shirt hahaha and then this other guy mooned him. it was SO sketchy and pleasing. jeremy was just like flailing. i love i love. then finally the dance party sort of ended and we just didnt want to stop dancing so in the middle of shadybrook we just all kept dancing, jumping up and down, screaming to this ranodm band as if we were at some awesome concert. it was so pleasing. so much fun. we danced for a full song and laughed and screamed with each other and then the band was like “okay, we’ve got one more song for ya’ll to dance to” and we were like…okay…then they started playing and all of the sudden it’s “My baby don’t mess around…” and my whole heart just lit up. Hey Ya was basically like beyond the most perfect song to play then. Just wow. it reminded me of the good old middle school days. and it was funny because for us, all of us, even though more than half of the people in that group didnt go to middle school at hun, we all know it and all scream the lyrics out together beucase it’s like the song of our generation. it was so fucking brilliant. singing, screaming, dancing, laughing together. i just never wanted it to end. how do these fantastic moments just happen to me. life just never ends. if you let it, all these brilliant moments keep unfolding. finally the music ended and we all hugged and kissed goodbye and left. but in that moment, boy we were brilliant. much love.

THEN trey drove me and christina and emlyn home and that was JUST as pleasing. haha omg. well i love driving with random sketchy guys it makes me feel so juvenile. plus he was like blasting rap and speeding and yelling. plus he’s just a pleasing guy! omg. he’s like, if my dad calls, im just gonna tell him, “Dad, I’m sorry I’m late…I had to dance.” then his dad called and asked why he was late and trey was just like “I had to dance.” “I had to dance” and just kept saying it, it was soo funny and pleasing.i dont know. i cant even describe it was just SUCH a pleasing night. ruddy brilliant. and trey is so nice! brilliant brilliant stuff.

then we came home and me and emlyn curled up on the couch and watched the office. basically a completely perfect night.

all my best moments happen sober. why use alchohol as a crutch?

hm then i’ll do a short summary of today beucase im actually really tired even though its only 11 on a saturday night. pathetic iknow.

ballet class in the morning. was actually good. it actually felt good to be back after 6 months. refreshing and whole.
then mom dropped me off in town for a few hours and i got lunch, stopped in on jackie, got bent spoon and lindt chocolate and then went to the library to read philosophy books. perfect.

then we had to go back to the ballet school for a costume fitting. and that was cool becuase when caroline saw me she like screamed and was all excited that i was a rat and that she got to get out the old cosutmes. im so honored by the fact that the school is taking out an old role just for me. caroline, the costume director, told me i was special. teehee. so adorable. i love. i feel like an alumni of PBS now its so weird. but i love being back there, just for old times sake. im glad im doing nutcracker it was the right choice.

then we went BACK to town and went to mccawber…ran into bryan and yvon…went to the library again…and then finally went home.

then i went to the lake. need to write about that later. was absolutely amazing.

and then i was a little bit grounded from last week and my mom was going on a DATE so me and emlyn had to stay at home. it was cute and relaxing so that was good. we made cookies and this huge feast together and then curled up on the couch and watched the breakfast club and then elephant and it was quite a pleasing little night. good stuff. it was the first weekend night id stayed in all year and it was good stuff. so cute. im not sure what i thought of elephant…very interesting. and emlyn and i both hadnt seen the breakfast club before…it was SOO pleasing. wow. anyway. we were done by 10 and now im going to bed at 11 becuaseim that pathetic. chyeah.

tomorrow is busy too. i hope i can get my homework done sometime…anyway. life is good.

everything is illuminated.



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2 thoughts on “

  1. oh how i love you. ugh. i’m so sad i missed friday night… it sounds like you guys had lots of pimpage. but i’m glad it was a fun time. i love you a lot. a whole whole lot. and just fyi… i TOTALLY agree with this:
    “all my best moments happen sober. why use alchohol as a crutch?”
    like totally and completely agree. oh dear oh dear. i love you infinitely darling. ❤

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