I try.  I try to forget. I try to move on. I try to see with eyes unclouded. I try to live the cliches that seem burned to my skin. But theory and action are very different. I have not failed. Or have I? Where is the line drawn. All I know is that I am here. And not there. But maybe the journey is all around and the truth and the acceptance is only there when I embrace it. When I embrace this moment of pain and confusion as humane and natural. And with what I’ve learned and the skin I’ve roughed…that not everything is going to be easy and that’s okay. And that I can fall down a few rabbit holes and still walk with my head held high. In a certain line of thinking, because it happens, it was meant to happen that way. Everything is happening as it should happen, not becasue it was predetermined that way, but because it happened. And I don’t even need to read into it or try to wrap my mind around it…simply exist in my reality. Yes. My reality is thus. I care for a man more than I should or more than I can. We can’t be together in this realm of time and I need to accept that. Not move on. Not give up. But accept the reality and not dwell on the past or the future, but accept this reality and try to find my footing to keep walking. I’ve come so far. And I feel myself slipping again. That’s normal. And that doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Take this for what it is. All of it. I  have the strength in me to overcome anything now. I have to see that. The mere fact that I can write these words with clarity in this time of pain and confusion is an immense feat. Everything is part of the long, winding road. I can’t rely on it to “take me where I’m going” or that some divine essence will guide me. I’m guiding myself. And that is beauty. Becuase the divinity is within. Even in pain. Even in loss. Even in a broken heart there is, not a “lesson”, but there is a truth. And right now, this moment is all that matters. And what I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing. Everything I’m doing is right because I’m doing it. Beucase I am alive, I am meaningful. How can you not see that? There is beauty in this nonsensical outburst of emotion. There is beauty in this pain and in this doubt and deception. There is beauty in all of everything simply because beauty exists. Once I can steady myself into seeing that again…I can see everything. And I can accept everything. So no. Not everything is easy. What matters is not that “It will all be okay”…even though it will…what matter is…I’m still alive. I want to be alive. I can breathe. And this is all part of the long and winding road.

Find it within yourself to walk. Barefoot, in the rain, in the mud, through daisies, over rocks, through grass…walk without direction towards the sun.

Tiptoe over nothing. Do not tread lightly on your heart. Stamp your feet into the dirt to prove your existence. Dig your heels into the ground, not to leave a mark, but to feel the earth. Breathe because you matter. Love because you are human. Live because you are beautiful. Exist because you are meaningful.

Breathe.

And trust in the long and winding road.

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It’s beautiful in every way.

 

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