HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Oh bah humbug. Amy is a total bitch. But I guess I knew that all along.

So it hasn’t been a good week so far. And even though I’m exhausted and annoyed and hurt…I can’t forfeit…I have to keep pushing through and face tomorrow bravely and rejuvenated. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a new month. And this is my last week to embrace this moment.

Let It Be.

I sort of feel like crying. This day sucked so incredibly much.

Gah.

Sick. Didn’t do my paper. Behind in work. Got up and went to school just to go to rehearsal. Was all prepared to do my monologue and then didn’t. Offended Bogie really bad without knowing it and pissed him off. Put alot of effort into rehearsal and then ended up being told repeatedly that I sucked and got yelled at by Bogie some more. My mom was too busy being a single parent to pick me up so I layed on the theatre couch on stage until 8:30 crying with Bogie. Came home and I coffejla. I was waiting for Tommy to cheer me up and of course he didn’t want to talk to me. Got my camera sent back to me finally and they didn’t fucking send me the battery so now I have a worthless piece of shit and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m majorly stressed and feel crappy about the play becuase I sucked and also sad becuase it’s going to be over. Just generally crappiness. Halloween tomorrow and I haven’t figured anything out. I don’t have the energy to do anything right now. Fuck it I didn’t write my paper. Oh well.

This day really couldn’t get much worse.

The only slightly redeeming thing was that we had to burn papers for the play as a prop so me and Bogie stood outside in the dark lighting things on fire and stuffing them in a mug and we looked sooo fucking sketchy.

But other than that today really sucked balls.

Fuck.

Omg. My mother is so mother fucking idiotic. What a retard.

I have no words I’m just so fucking pissed off.

jfkejafjealk. She angers sooo much.

But today was fjekflea. My mother sort of fucking ruined my friday night. School was pleasing. We had a fucking pinata in advisor groups. I think that made my life. And then campbvell was fitting as much gum as he could into his mouth. it was quality. first was physics…i dotn remember. then health was crap. then in advanced scene we did improv and like 40 minutes of the worst game and i just sucked at lfie and didnt do anything and it was awkward and horrid. i do not like improv. advisors was pleasing. in video my like entireee projet got deleted so i had to do it again. then in englishi  seriously had a spasm. i just like flipped out and orgasmed on the test. the fucking question was a fucking statement and itw as fucking WRONG. i know what narcissism is…it’s NOT that. fucking idiot. i think i wrote literally like 4 pages about how much it angered me. all this pent up rage inside of me that i didnt even know was there. math was dumb. during my free i had a PLEASING convo with erica and tori and then french was boring.

rehearsal was so. pleasing. i dont honestly have any words left. i love this play to death. i adore my kids to pieces. its just the best place to be. honestly i think my favorite places on the entire earth are mountain lake, japan, and that shitty little hun theatre. i have. no. words. they make me feel more alive than ive ever been. i adore this process. i adore everything about it. i never want it to end.

we all wrote out bios together and put adorable inside jokes in them like “take an umbrella, it’s raining” and the last line in mine is “Thanks to everyone- you have perfect occlusion.” hahahaha sooo pleasing.

This last week is going to be amazing.

then i rushed to the ballet school to do the improv thing…and it was soo pleaisng. we went to princeton u in cars and rolled around in bags for an hour and ahalf…and emma and terry are soo pleaisng. i wa just like dying of laughter with them. and then me and emma wrote CRACK IS WHACK in big block letters on a chalkboard in princeton university which wa slike visible from all the windows. it was pleasinggg.

then i came home and my mom seriosuly like fufjkefj should go fuck herself. we got into another 2 hour irrational screaming fest at each other and i wanted to choke her. she has absolutely no right to be mad at me. she’s a fucker.

and then i was pissed and ruined the rest of the night and “grounded” and she “hid” my computer and wanted me to write a 2 page fucking essay on my “repuation” for her and when she refused to back down i screamed FUCK YOU and hunted the house for the computer until i found it.

yeah. fuck you. look who has the control now.

fejfleka. whatever. the dance was rained out and i was grounded wtf so me and byran and yvon and emlyn watched CASPER MEETS WENDY which was sooo peasing and hilarious and amazing and worship worthy. “do you have any grey poop on you?” hahah awtf.

well im thoroughly exhausted and exaspeterated and im going to bed. here’s to tomorrow.




fejifajelkafekajga

I’m sort of out of words.

Late to health again. Last presentation. Geoff did Tourettes which was interesting since Bryan has it. Advanced scene was interesting. Jen sat in whihc was awkward and weird…we did more improv stuff that we used to do…and fejfkea. Yeah. Then during my pleasing free I made my quality video. Activities period i went up to lunch with connor and jmo and that was pleasing. video was pleaisng and i actually got alot done. english was worthless and i like couldnt see at all so as soon as math started haha i asked to go like take out my contact…and i went and called my mom and she came and picked me up and took me home and i took out my contact and got my classes and played on the computer hahaha and then went back to school like RIGHT as the period was ending and i just wlaked in once the bell rang and and got my books and left and hammer didnt notice ANYTHING it was sooo pleasing. french was nice. then physics was nice. we presented shittily.

then rehearsal was pleasingggggggg. i just love lvoelovelovelvoe and ifw awant them to be here forever and i love theatre and i afeama osoo ahpyp and ilveo these people.

AND WE OPEN A WEEK FROM TODAY. WTF IS THIS.

ahhhh CHERISH THIS MOETHER FUCKING WEEK. this is probably the last show the theatre group will be all together all alone in a magnificent show. jfeklajflkea ,,3,#<33#<#<3

then i came home and watched like 4 straight hours of degrassi with emlyn. splendid.

now kisses and goodnight.

My drive to school was sort of perfect. Good start to the day. I’m neurotic in that way. Advanced scene first. pleasing. watching monologues. watching katie rock at life and cchoi be sooo pleasing. chrissy was cute too. Then free was i have no idea. then french was french. activities i dont really recall. walked with mark. video was good stuff. we’re starting to get close and its awful cute. i shot some stuff that was fun. english is sooo dumb. math was nice. i actually paid attention for the first time all year. no idea why. double physics. quiz and then “lab” which consisted of elisa dn carla and i making fun of jenny. “she knows what she says and she does what she knows.” hahaha.

then rehearsal was soo good. ugh. just brilliant stuff. so much fun. i adore every second of it. i got there at 3 and didnt leave the theatre until like 7. me lucy elisa and bogie had a nice hour talk after rehearsal about god knows what.

SARAH KRAUSS IS MY HERO.

then tommy and i had another wonderful talk.

AnInnocentBanjo: time flies when you’re in love with tommy fenster
TLDFmy initials: or when you are in love with lauren suchenski

TLDFmy initials: i could say that my love for you is like the attraction between a carbon and a hydrogen

fjeklfjeklajfkevbgjnavaa. my feelings these days seem to be beyond words.

Let’s make the best of this next week. It’s all a big uphill trek from here. Enjoy every moment.

Here’s to insanity.

I think I might honestly like my theatre friends more than my real friends right now.


Bogie: You baffle me. You have a truly baffling personality.
Me: What so baffling?
Bogie: You’re just one contradiction after the next. You’re just one big contradiction.
Me: I don’t believe in contradictions. Especially not in people.
Lucy: That doesn’t even make sense. Why don’t you tell us your secrets?
Bogie: Maybe that’s your thing. Maybe you’re just so mysterious and locked up with all this darkness and confusion inside of you…put over and all covered up with this big cheery fasade.
Me: And how is that a contradiction? That doesn’t me I’m contradictory. That means I’m complex. That means I’m human.

Not that I hadn’t heard that before. I just found it interesting.

I must say I adore nothing more than to sit in that theatre and talk away the days. It is pure bliss. Fascinating bliss.

And I do find it fascinating that the theatre people, Ms. Ohm and Bogie all classify me as “mysterious.” And “secretive.” I think if you were to ask any one of my “real friends” they would be completely baffled by that description. For the longest longest time I really thought that the theatre crowd either saw me in the wrong light, or more probably, that I just acted very differently around them all. That seemed most logical. I’m beginning to think that I act very much the same around both groups…it’s merely that the theatre people…care more…to see into the truth…they know me more…to see how much I hide…and they are more intellectual to see me in the way that I really am. Rather than the way I act. Which is shocking too, to say they know me better, considering I spent a great deal more time with my real friends. But it seems my “real friends” care much more about the silly drama and petty fights and how straightened my hair is today or how late I was to that party or what I said about her to really see anything more about me that exactly what is painted on the surface. And I don’t mean that in a necessarily spiteful way. I just feel like it’s the truth. And I don’t feel like my “real friends” have any interest in delving into that area of my life, or their life or any of their lives for that matter. Just the high school surface. And the high school surface makes me insane.

I much prefer the theatre dorks that sit around laughing about art and dwelling on the human condition.

And for some reason I get the feeling that in the past 6 weeks, they have known me better than anyone else. There are some things that the high school surface just can’t
see and don’t want to see that those who are more open can. So in that
way, in a variety of different aspects, the theatre crowd knows me
better than my real friends do. And I feel blessed to have that, in a
way.


That’s not even really my friends fault. It’s just life.

Hmmmmmmm. I am…unsure of what to think.

School is school. I’m doing fine. Actually not much work. First free. Then french test. Then in physics we had a long talk about what we can do to make things better becuase apparently everyone is failing. That was cute and actually productive. I liked it. Then GSA meeting made me happy. Video made me happy too. English made me unhappy again. It’s so…fjekfe. Math was nice. Health was boring. Advanced scene was talking and then savvy’s monologue and it was soo funny. Haha wow. And I guess that was my day.

Anyone who knows me well knows I could not possibly be a lesbian. That’s all I need to say about that. Ha.

The whole thing about saturday night is so weird. I feel like it’s been stretched and slandered and confused and I have no idea what is really honestly being felt becuase Erica told me one thing and then after play practice I hung out with Jess and Jeremy for a while and what they said was dramatically different from what she said. I really have no idea. I just wish everything didn’t have to be so dramatic in high school.

Omg Allegra is a complete skank. That was soo awkward.

The play. Is excellent. We’re at that gritty “omg we’re opening in a week omg we suck omg we’re gonna fail lets get our shit together and think that it’s not gonna happen but really we know that it is no matter what” point which is so good. Boggie isn’t quite as good at yelling at us as Ms. Ohm was but hey, no one can ever compare to the master. Anyway cast bonding is at its peak and I really feel such a wonderous transformation in myself as in actress in so many aspects in the past 6 weeks. It’s been a fantastic journey. And I’m so glad to have taken it with these people that I can laugh and cry with on such a more intellectual and compassionate level than anyone else in the school. it really is a fantastic process and i’m reminded each day why I love this. it’s a very different feeling from ms.ohm’s shows…but almost more daily rewarding. I don’t know. Everything is wonderous.

Then I got home around 6. Had bruschetta. Ran lines like crazy. Fell asleep watching degrassi for a long time. Showered. And now I am so excited to be able to sleep.

The next 8 days are going to be incredible. Putting together a show…and within a week…so much will be different. I love it I love it I love it.

Kisses.