So wow. Another deep breath.

I got Tommy’s letter. Finally. I’d have to say that it was only about 2
months late. And I honestly never ever thought I would get it…ever…but I
walk outside and my Uncle says “Did you get your mail?” with this perky
little snide smile at me and I was thoroughly confused. Two minutes
later he traipsed through the door holding a dirty little envelope and
dramatically kissed it and handed it to me…I didn’t recognize the
handwriting but immediately my heart burst into flames…I knew what it
was immediately. Tears sprung into my eyes on impulse and I didn’t even
know why they were there. It was honestly a much more dramatic ordeal
than it really needed to be…but I’m me. And it was an important
moment. It was as if a part of my past was just placed in my hands.
Everything came rushing back. I had to get out. I stuffed the letter in
my pocket, got on my bike…and sped into my hideout; the park. I was
still doing alright once I got to the park…but once I got off my bike
and started walking to a secluded bench in a huddle of trees…I just
lost it. It was this leap into vast expanses of emotion and there was
feelings plummeting down my spine and memories shooting up my spine and
tears welling up and out and my entire body convulsing with just pure
emotion. I was thinking so many things. Primarily…I missed him like
fuck. I doubt I’ve ever missed someone this much. Miss every ounce of
it. Every shred. Maybe not even just him…but the idea of hope that he
represented…the smell of Mountain Lake…the feeling of summer…the
Lauren that layed in the middle of the black pond…the moment of
beauty as we slept peacefully next to each other…I literally felt as
if my glorious past had suddenly been dropped straight back into my
body again and then ripped out forcefully. I actually really really
loved the moment. I know I’m crazy…and I’ve said it before…but I
live for emotion. And that was an explosion of emotion…the kind I
hadn’t felt in a long time. It made me feel incredibly human and it
made me feel glaringly alive. I sat through the waves and waves of
emotions and relived every moment of being with him…and let the
reality of the past month wash over me…the idea that we can never be
together…the injustice of the entire situation…and honestly…I was
partially crying out of happiness. Shocked and thankful that someone
would actually write me a letter. I mean it felt like it validated the
whole thing. Like this truly was a real summer love. I cried looking at
the date stamped on the front: July 24, 2006…and the distance of
myself from this glorious summer…I cried looking at his scrawled,
childish hand writing and imagining him going through the effort of
copying out the address and getting stamps and writing out a letter to
me…Look I know I’m insane but it really did actually touch me. I
cried over reading the address on the top…Mountain Lake Biological
Station…it was like this hidden artifact dug up from the
ground…still fresh with a July date…it even smelled of Mountain
Lake still…and it was heartbreaking to hold it in my hands and to
relive it all and to realize that it’s part of my past. That it’s all a
memory now. And this is one of the perks of never being loved and never
being treated right. When it actually happens it’s miraculous. So I
cried and cried for a good half hour or more. Letting it fill me up and
wash me out. It was completely inexplicable emotion. I love
that sense of crying. Abstract and endless…you don’t even know what
exactly you’re crying about…but the emotion is just pouring from
within you…purging and cleansing and filling you up with an abstract
sense of life. It’s not provoked and it’s not contrived…it’s just
pure humanity rushing forth. I was crying even before I read it…just
at the mere fact that it existed…I really didn’t care what it said
inside or what it meant or even if it said nothing…just the fact that
I was holding my past in my hands and that I had someone who at one
point in time cared enough to write me a letter made me cry.

The actual letter itself actually made me laugh. It’s all scrawled in
loopy, 5-year-old hand writing on the back of this crumpled up, tea
stained biological map or something. That honestly made me laugh. It
looks like he had it in his pocket for about a month is what it looks
like. All dirty and splotched. And I think I really love that. And it
distinctly still carries the smell of mountain lake…as if preserved
in this envelope could make it eternal. As I read through it slowly, I
remembered him, actually him, and not the idea of him…and it just
made me laugh. I don’t know why. I just heartily laughed through the
whole thing…because I could actually hear him saying these
things…it was as if he was sitting right next to me speaking into my
ear and I could see him once more clearly in my mind. The letter is
basically…haha retarded. But it’s so him. It made me smile just
remembering his awkward little lisp and messy hair and overwhelming,
seesawing personality. Not bipolar, just insecure and adorable. Haha it
really is retarded and illegible and not that long, it’s like two
sentances but I love it for what it is. I love him for who he is. This
is exactly what he wrote:

Dear Lauren Suchenski,

I miss you soooo much.


You are gay.

Anyway, I am chilling in Mtn. Lake. We
have had intense ping pong tournements, And me and Matt Benton (My
friend) win All the games. Will lost 7 in a row + 5 in a row. He is a
Faggot, + and bad loser. I am afraid to sleep w/
(thats right he has a vagina) because she is a crazy Fuck. Oh Well. You
are Beautiful. I hope you have fun @ your gay ass Art camp. Only gay
sissy people Do Art. I will love you
FOREVER + ever + Ever.


*Illegible scribble* *arrow* (My name)

Thomas Fenster.

The last living piece of him. And of me. And the us that existed in
that moment. It’s beautiful. I laughed all through it and then once I
got to the end I burst into tears again. I listened to Noah’s Letter
from the notebook and cried some more and then
finally…finally…after a very long time, an outpour of emotion, and
a final goodbye…I was able to put it back in the envelope, get
up…and walk away.

After the tears dried and I was left with swollen eyes and a heart full
of intense feeling…I swung on the swings to old comforting songs,
like No One Is Alone, Your Song, Twenty-Four and finally She Will Be
Loved. It felt really really beautiful. And I made peace with it and
felt completely whole in myself again. Like I didn’t have to leave
anything behind…I am all of those people in my past. Listening to She
Will Be Loved was a brilliant choice. This little girl who looked just
like me when I was 7 or 8 was swinging next to me and once we got to
the main verse of “She Will Be Loved” we were swinging completely
together. It was sort of magical…I felt blessed for the little girl
next to and and the little girl inside of me…finally I will be
loved…I felt like there was still hope for me and
Tommy…somewhere…in some passage of time…and even beyond that…I
felt like there was an immense amount of hope for me to find the one
and actually fall in love. I will be loved. And if that’s the only
thing Tommy could ever give me…it was hope. It really was completely

Then I layed in the field once more and watched the sunset…and
listened to Noah’s Letter until finally I didn’t cry anymore and I
really truly felt what he was saying…and was ready to part with the
past of Tommy and I. Put it back in the envelope and blow it a kiss.
Tragic summer love, isn’t it all? Sigh. But now I’m filled only with
the true feeling of superb hope. That moment may be a part of my past
now…but there are moments still to be lived and one day I will see
his face again and feel his warm body against mine. And the fact that I
can have that hope is what is truly beautiful. Beautiful.

Here’s to the future.

Summer is blazing sunlight. Fall is sunset. Winter there is no sun. And
Spring is sunrise. Naturally, knowing me, my favorite season of the
year is spring and that seems to be pretty coherant and consistant with
my hopeful, optimistic soul…and fall was actually possibly my least
favorite season. But now…I’m finally truly seeing the beauty in the
sunset. It really is blaringly captivating. Beautiful.

Life is full of surprises. This journey is never ending. It’s beautiful.

Thank you Tommy. For everything.

It’s not over yet…

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