Alright. This is it.

Forget about him.

Until this time comes. Forget about him. For now. He’s not worth it.

Let go.

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So. Hm. Not so eventful day really. Bah. I’m starting to get so tired these days that even though I’m trying to enjoy this moment, I can’t even hardly formulate thought. It’s to the point where there’s like not even a point in being awake. Ugh. And it’s not even that I’m not getting enough sleep. It really is just too rigorous of a schedule for me. Hmph.

health…boring. whatev. advanced scene we did some work on breathing which really fascinated me. i love love love learning this sort of stuff. this is the stuff that i really want to learn. then during my free i cried and went up to lunch with erica then stayed through activities. ahaha it was so funny whitt randomly came at sat with us so i was like uhh ok. haha. then our lunch table was like me and erica and bowman and like whitt and aaron rubenstein. so bizarre. connor is a pleasing man though. for once he like actually invited me to do shit with him and im like soo excited for tomorrow night haha. he is such apleasing man.

This is so annoying though. Beucase I feel just like half alive. I can’t even have a real conversation with anyone because I can’t even focus on them or what they’re saying befcause I’m so exhausted. I feel like I’m being shitty and not there for my friends. I’m just sooo exhausted. And Dippery’s just like “Yeah it’s no big deal. Deal with it.” Ugh. I honestly have no idea what to do.

video was cool. we talked about the new michel gondry film and watched more of his films. that too is sooo interesting to me. i mean like this is the stuff i want to learn about. the stuff i want to talk about. this is all just confirming the fact that yes, art really is what i’m interested in. english is whatever. math is seriously like beyond worthless. its like so insultingly bad that i feel shitty just taking the course. i need davissss. french is still subbed. we’re going to KILL geoff. physics we did a dumb dumb lab. it was suchhh a long day.

then after….i really don’t remember what i did. ran around. watched my video for hoban…ran around a bit…then hahaha went to wawa with connor and jenn. connor was driving and it was sooo pleasing. i felt so gangster and teenage. man i love that boy. then we sat in the back of his car as he smoked and then drove back windows down, rap blasting. boy oh boy. moments that make me smile. jenn was quiteee scarred. haha poor girl. whitt randomly showed up at wawa. sketchy boy. then went to the theatre and hung out some more becuase my life is the theatre. joe and logan and whitt and kiala and elisa and royce were in there and it was qujite violent and sexual haha. i climbed up in the sex room. that was fun. then after a long while and quyen’s with jenny and amy…i got picked up…and me and amy’s mom went looking at houses. i don’t know whether it’s depressing or exciting. but different. i liked the first one but i didnt like hwere it was. the second one is AMAZINGGGGG. seriously. dream house. is. amazing. my mom and i are IN LOVE. anyway i realllly hope we get it. i think i would die.

then i came home and like stared at the wall. had soupman and didn;t really do anything. then we had to go back up to hun to take jenny home cuz i skipped choir. so i waited around for a while for her. sat at the tables in the dark. was eerie. i love the school at night. its a completely different place. then finally came home and watched the office and creamed my pants. it was delightful. i love jim alottt.

yup.

i hope i can sleep over at richie’s sunday night…i dont think it’ll work though. hmph. my mom’s a nazi. ugh.

now im tired. and bah. worn out. sigh. confused and stressed. ugh. 3 day weekend = oasis.

Best quote ever (in wawa):

Me: Connor, do you have money?
Connor: Yes. Uh. Drug dealer, hello?

Ahhh this is why I love this man.

And why I am thoroughly afraid that I will be raped by him tomorrow night. Sweet.

Here’s to tomorrow.

Whisper words of wisdom: Let it be.

No not everyday is going to be perfect. Not everything is going to be easy. And it shouldn’t. But that the important thing is I’m on the way up. I’m not just fighting for my life trying to survive now. I know not only how to keep my head above water, but how to pull myself out and dry off, even when I fall in. And now, as with my throbbing leg, begins the long journey of healing. The process of fixing. And the long and winding road.

Today was interesting. Frustrating and stressing about the schedule thing and Dippery was fucking ignoring me. Ugh. My leg was throbbing like none other and I was just meh. Very tired too.

Advanced scene we watched movies and laughed and leonardo looked really really hot. free period a bunch of us went up to the cafeteria. talked about college alot. there was alot of college talk today. it was like BAM you’re a junior. and like so much stress and things i’ve never even thought about before. and i sort of dont feel like talking about it to people because it sort of…well i don’t know. the truth is I do know where I want to go and I’ve known since I was 6 years old. But it’s almost embarassing to say now. Beucase Yale is so out of the picture now that I’ve like failed. But I’m such a dreamer that it’s still there in the back of my mind. And not even for any one reason..just becuase I fell in love with it when I was 6 and never grew out of that. I feel like I would feel shitty my whole life if I didn’t go there. But I know there’s no way I can go. Anyway. I felt sort of awkward because I started talking abotut theatre and such and I could just sort of feel it get weird. Everytime I bring it up to people I can sense sort of the “you know you’re not really going to make it, right.” i need to have more self confidence in this if i really want to do it. but i do feel like its a little pretentious of me. but at the same time. I have passion for this. And I have a dream. And I can’t go back on that. My entire life has changed without me even realizing it. I mean that really seriously…my entire life has majorly shifted over the past two years…I had no idea I would find myself in this place. I think my best bet is to go to a school with a really good theatre program and major in it, as opposed to trying to go to Tisch or something and limit my entire life to that. If I really don’t like it I can pull out and go into writing or soemthing. But at this point, my life really is completely changed and therefore so are my goals.

Anyway, then french we have a sub the rest of the week. then activities i dont really remember. then video hahahah delcores interview was fucking hilarious. english was nice. math is worthless. then i went up to the nurse and got it wrapped hardcore. then physics lab which was retarded. it was sort of a retarded day.

then after school i wandered around a bit and such…quyen’s….and then went to the theatre. because it’s my home. yeah and it’s also a fucking blackhole. i wandered in around 3 to say hi…didn’t leave until 4:45. yeah. it’s that addictive. i just love it. i love the atmosphere. i love boggie. i love the theatre. i love the people. i dont know what it is anymore actually…whether im trying to fill something that’s missing in my life or whether i really do just love being there. because after you spend HOURS of your free time sitting in theatre talking to your drama teacher that’s 10 years older than you…you either think. god i am a theatre nerd. or you think…uhh this is a little weird. anyway…mostly it was me and elisa and boggie for like an hour and a half…and it was so much fun. i was like dying of laughter. he stole my phone and laughed at the connor bowman motorboat thing. i ended up telling him the reason why i see so many broadway tshows which tied in with my father leaving…so yeah. id ont know. i really like being able to start over with boggie. i like the way he views me. and i dont even know what we talked about for that long. he made fun of my cuz my ringtone is la vie boheme. and said we defiantely cannot do rent becuase of angel. anyway then it started getting really funny becuase i started getting a little stir crazy. like soo past the point of exhaustion that im just nuts. so i started making all these weird comments about sex and stuff it was so funny and bogad deemed me “Lauren Crackhead Suchenski.” sooo quality. and then elisa and i got to turn on the ghostlight and eventually go home.

anyway. j’adore my theatre. to no end. i could stay there forever.

i came home. went to the park for bit. relaxed and cleared my head. let go of tommy a little. came home and fell asleep. woke up. was whipped into writing richie’s paper for him. (love love love him) cried over not being able to go to yale. mailed out some poetry shit. and now i should go to sleep.

awww randomly while i was talking to dip the other day Mr. O’Brien came in and like grabbed me into this like huge old bear hug and said “I see you’re with my favorite student. Best writer I’ve ever had come through this school. Why don’t I see you anymore Lauren? Do we work on opposite sides of the school? We should do lunch and catch up.”

I seriously soooo love him. And admire him. And respect him. And mostly, am thankful too. Beucase I swear to god he is the most supportive person in my entire life. Just pure, raw faith. And honestly, I feel to a certain extent, faith I earned from him. Not faith that was given to me because “I’m a Suchenski.” He’s the only person in the school that I really feel like I accomplished and learned and made my mark in the way I wanted to. Everything he sees in me, I put there. It’s my own Suchenski tradition with him. And nothing can replace that feeling or honor.

Anyway. Life may not be perfect right now, nor should it be. Life is what I make of it.

So here’s to life.

Emotion of the moment: Frustration.

Well I didn’t really have time for a real update today. But it’s probably good because I would have ranted on and on about my frustration which really won’t help me. I just need to make a decision and not look back. So fucking annoyhing though. Sometimes I feel like this isn’t the right place for me…bah.

I had like 438920482 tests today. Alot of stress. 7 classes in a row. Dippery yelling at me. And ugh. My whole junior year schedule sucks hardcore. But there’s really no way to fix it. Saatsoglou subbed today for french and I remembered why I’m in honors. Geoff wouldn’t fucking shut up though. It was so funny. Physics test was easy. First GSA meeting of the year. Made me really happy. Mario is bi! I didn’t know that. I love him even more now. Video we shot random stuiff. English quest was easy. Math test was icky. Health is worthless. Advanced scene…christina and I finaly did our tarantella…it sort of sucked alot. it’s okay. i’m glad that it’s overiwth.

Then rehearsal was amazinggggg. Ugh. The ENTIRE thing was that envengard exercise stuff. For an hour we were paired with a person and we just had to stare into their eyes and we could only move forward and back and respond to their movement. Hard to explain. I was paired with Elisa and it was so hard to not laugh. Anyway, as much as that exercise seemed a little silly…once Bogad explained it it was really fascinating. I’m lovingggg this artsy shit. It’s really fascinating. And I just feel sooo even more connected with these people. It’s brilliant. The fact that all of us can buy into this shit together is brilliant. There are no words for my admiration. Then we went into character building. That too, was fascinating. Probbly more fascinating. To most people it probably sounds like a load of bullshit…but I loved every moment of it. For a while we walked around to like pop music hahah and then we had to start running and it was so hilariois…we all burst into laughter when we realized there were 15 highschoolers racing around a stage looking like idiots. I adored it. Anyway. For the character building a different character would get up infront of everyone and then we did this bizarre rolling through the spine that was really uncomfortable and bizarre and then at a random point he would stop us and we would stop in exactly that position. And it was all really uncomfortble and inhumane looking…and it was supposed to help us feel insane and not normal and then reflect our characters. It was amazing how true it was. When I stopped…my spine was sort of arching forward and I had my head looking up into the lights…then we had to walk around in that position for a few minutes alone as everyone observed. Mine, as everyone agreed, reflected the fact that Fairy is a huge dreamer, looking up and out of reality into fantasy and optimistically arching forward, yet at the same time, very bizarre. It was soo awesome. And like Christina just happened to stop in this really proper, boob pushed out position which is soo her character too. Joe and Logan ended up in very proud and manly positions which is what their characters are and Royce ended up very tight and constricted, which Hannibal is very much so. It was really reallyu fascinating and amazing. I really loved it. I’m loving all of this. Like seirously. Theatre is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.

Then I came home and was so distraught about the schedule that me and my mom sat in the car for an hour ytelling about my schedule and what the fuck we’re going to do about it. I was on the verge of tears the whole time because the whole situation is so fucked up and unfair. Ugh.

Then I took a longgg bath. Mmmm.

I had no homework…seriously…so I decided to use the time looking into my poetryness. I spent like two hours looking into random poetry contests and submitting shit. I might as well get myself out there. I don’t know. It always feels pretty pretentious but I guess that’s okay. It was bizarrely fun.

Me and Tommy didn’t talk. Whatever. I didnt really talk to anyone tonight except mat cuz my keyboard broke. So sad.

I love Mr. Bogad!

Sigh. There isn’t much else to say. Life is bizarre. Good. Meh. We have off from rehearsal for a week which makes me sad. But it’s all good. I need sleeeep.

No. It’s not my Hun anymore. The way it always was. But it’s home.

Here’s to this moment.

Mmmm. Another day. Splendid, if I do say so myself.

The first rehearsal was amazing. Seriously. Amazing. I think I could write over and over againo n my xanga how much I love this people and this experience and still never quite capture the essence of it all. It’s just wordless. I am so happy there. Well I wouldn’t use the word happy quite…not even peaceful…just…I feel like it’s home.

Anyway. So we all layed on the theatre together and read the rest that we didn’t do on Friday…and I was okay. And then for seriously an hour…we did this fantastic envangaurd bizarre exercise which just made me think “God I love theatre”…and “God I love these people”…I can’t describe the whole thing..it literally was an hour long affair…but we walked around the stage…seriously…for about 20 minutes…feeling each other in relation to each other…following certain people that made us feel comfortable and stuff…and then we had to find the place on the stage that made us most comfortable…and there all 15 of us stood…and then we all layed down on the floor and for 20 minutes did this fantastic meditation thing together where we were supposed to be getting very comfortable and breathing together and such…and I’m lying on my stage staring up at the flies and I just felt so completely wonderful. Then slowly, slowly we got up and had to find the courage to walk away from the spot…and then Bogad said “That is the most comfortable place in the world…and now…you are not allowed back there…You can walk anywhere but there…and be aware of the great longing and desire and burning frustration to get back to that spot…be aware of the distance between you and that place.” And suddenly…all of us were walking very very fast around in circles…and you could just feel the tension on the stage…for everyone…most people seemed angry or frustrated…but me…I was honestly on the verge of tears. It’s amazing if you’re so into an exercise like that that it becomes really real for you. I thought of Ms. Ohm actually. It was the first time I’d thought of her in a while. And I thought of Mountain Lake, and Tommy…walking around in circles just enough that I was able to channel into true abstract emotion…just pure desire. It was actually fantastic. And I really was about to cry. And then he told us to experience the comfort sinking back into us from our feet hitting the floor…and feel rebirthed by the happiness without that one piece of comfort stage. Then finally we were allowed to go back to our comfort place and breathe. That was it. And we did this for an hour. And I felt entirely emotionally raw at the end even though all we did was walk in circles anymore. I was just amazed though. This is why I’m in this field. This is incredible. I loved every moment of it. Brilliant.

I just want to give them all a big group hug. ❤

Then we sat in a circle and talked about what we felt etc. And he tried to explain how this helped us figure out our characters…to figure out what it is they’re all lacking…what individually we’re all lacking…I’ve never done this much in depth character searching and defining…it’s fascinating I love it. I feel like Ms. Ohm was the intellectual inspiriation to get us all started…and now Boggie is giving us the physical very real, also fantastic things we need to complete the picture. Anyway. So he explained a little of each character to us all…and he said that about Fairy May: “To allow yourself that whole lie is incredible. She confuses reality so wholly with her fantasy world, she lies to herself wholly that it becomes her reality, but then she lacks any real foundation. For someone to romantisize life in that way…well it’s incredible.” I actually started tearing up. I’m not even lying. I don’t remember exactly what else he said…but I am SOOO my character it’s nuts. This is the best character I’ve ever played in my life. I love it. And it might be one of my favorite characters I play ever…..so I’mr eally trying to make the most of it and do her justice. She’s sooo me though he has no idea.

Anyway. Apart from all that loveliness. After that me and Soloman had a lovely little converstaion and so did me and Rob! And then I went home and watched the office and ate deep fried oreos and was lazy. Then I took a lovely little nap. Twas nice. Then hahaha hahahah …I don’t know…Tommy and I are so like beyond the face of the earth. Like wtf. This is seriosuly the weirdest relationship EVER. And believe me, I’ve been in some fucked up relationships.

TLDFmy initials: i hope you dont choke on all the cum from all the dicks you suck
AnInnocentBanjo: oh dont worry i will
AnInnocentBanjo: and ill vomit it on your shoes
TLDFmy initials: i would never let you suck on my penis

TLDFmy initials: fuck you
AnInnocentBanjo: hahah i think we should be nice
TLDFmy initials: no

What a pleasing relationship.

TODAY WAS SO FUCKING MUCH FUN. Becuase I got to walk around all bandaged up and watch everyone either gawk at me awkwardly or ask me what happened and have the following conversation occur:

Me: I was mauled by a bear.
Them: OMG! ARE YOU OKAY!?

Hhahahah it was hilarious how many people believed me. Hilarious.

Video was sooo pleasing. I wrote a page paper seriously. Then random quotes from didiots. Then 3 pages of Mr. Hoban is superb. It was soo pleasing. He read all the papers aloud and we just laughed and laughed. I feel alot better about it now. I almost feel stupid for making it such a big deal. I have now officially had the Hoban experience. I feel quality.

English is meh. I don’t like getting icky grades on papers.

French test 1dt period. I think that was basically everything itneresting that happened to me tdoay. I can’t remember it all.

AND OMG!!1 AHHAHAHAHA JEN MCCUSKER IS SO PLEASING.

Erica: I had a question but I probably shouldn’t say it…
Jenn: Did I swallow? Yes.

HAHAHHA. Wtf is with this girl. SOOO pleasing.

mkuor08: i love you and your fucked up life
mkuor08: cause you make my life interesting

Wow. Well that’s about all I have to say right now. Still thoroughly happy. Becuase I’m making the choice to be happy. Regardless of the fact that I’m having a shitty long distance relationship, my leg is fucked up, junior year is tough and my life is on crack. No. I’m choosing to forget about that and be happy. And that’s the greatest thing I could ask for. So.

Here’s to today.

Sooooooo….how has my life been?

Pretty much goddamn insane.

Well

Friday was like amazing. I can’t even write it all out it was nutso

-Acitivities period consisting of me and the three musketeers and amy and mrs. piel flipping out about LUMBERJILLING and wanting to go to the national lumberjill competition. wow. i love making campbell laugh.
-Connor freaking jumping down from the first floor to the second randomly after school
-Me fucking flipping out and collapsing…seirously…like I started losingit
-Skipping HOban’s class for no reason and crying and it being bad an him yelling and assigning 5 page paper and ahhh
-Me like yelling at Ms P and making fun of her and being soo fucking out of it
-By the time I got to my free period i seriously couldn’t handle it anymore. seirosuly. i was just like collapsing. i can’t take this schedule or anything of the sort. so i went to dippery and we both cried because basicaly my schedule SUCKS fucking asscrack.
-Then my first readthrough…was soooo pleasing. ugh. i LOVE LOVE LOVE the play.a nd i was soo happy. and i just loved every minute of it. honestly im going to try and treasure this hwole experience. and for the first time i felt confident reading my lines. i have over 200. that’s insane. the most ive ever had was miep with like 25. but im soo ready to take this challenge on. start over in a new light and be the best that i can be. honestly. i want soo badly to succeed. and i really like that kiala and i took totally different approaches to the cahracter. it will help alot.

i came out of rehearsal just amazed and happy and excited and wanting to just talk and talk about the play. every word out of my mouth the whole trainride into nyc seemed to be “Bogad this” and “Bogad that”
I love being inspired.

And I loveeee the cult.

And I love finding your calling. And answering it.

I have no fear anymore. I’m plunging into my destiny. And not letting go.

then we went to nyc to see chorus line…..ughhhhhh

A Chorus Line was amazing. I mean seriously…amazing.  It meant soo much more to me seeing it at this age. I had seen it when I was in like 6th grade and I liked it but I guess I didn’t really understand it. It was especially meaningful since I had just came from my first play rehearsal and what with being all into theatre lately…plus the fact that I JUST sort of stopped dancing. Anyway…the show itself is basically brilliant…just the idea that is carried out so well and elegantly…never loses its momentum or interest or becomes convoluted or distracted…just one genuine idea and feeling…and I absolutely adored that it was oldschool and they kept the old staging. At first I thought it was sort of retundandt..but really it’s only way the show can be done…and it’s so refreshing to see that sort of show on broadway what with all this new “Tarzan” and shit. And it’s the sort of show that really needs to be done on broadway too…silly high school productions don’t do it justice. Anyway…it made me cry twice…I cried in “At The Ballet”…and then at “What I Did For Love”…which is honestly one of my favorite songs ever. It’s the most played song on my itunes…even over Defying Gravity. So not only do I love the song…but she performed it so beautifully…and in the context it was about ballet as opposed to a person which I normally think about…and it just made me cry thinking about the fact that I’ve given up ballet. But then at the final number of “One” I was just smiling…and something in myself fluttered to life and I just thought to myself “Yes. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.” I felt so happy and whole. It was amazing. One of the best things I’ve ever seen on broadway. And partially because it was such a surprise. And partially because it meant so much to me personally. I was just blown away. And after the show I wanted to just talk and talk about it for hours.  So then we sat outside at some cute little bakery near the theatre and ate cheesecake in NYC in this comletely blissful weather and I was so happy. Sooo want to do this…forever.

Plus it’s awesome

And I finally got my Rent necklace! Yessss.

And then we walked back to Penn station…and that’s when it started hiting me. Out of nowhere I was just feeling sharp sharp pains in my stomach and then spreading throughout my whole body. I felt sooo shitty. I just wanted to keep moving and get to penn station. But I couldn’t. It just started hurting too much. After a while I just collapsed. In the middle of NYC. On the bathroom of a Burger King. I didn’t care how grimy it was or even where I was I just never wanted to get up I was in so much pain. Finally my mom forced me out and I had to just push my way through it to get to the train. I hate feeling shitty too beucase I hate slowing everyone else down. Anyway. I finally made it to the train and seriously just took up a whole seat to myself and collapsed…and slept on the train the whole way home. It was uncomfortable and really bizarre and I couldn’t really fit my whole body on the seat but at least I felt better when I woke up.

That was bizarre. Then it felt sooo good to collapse in my bed once I was home. So good. What a day.

Saturday was lovely. I got to sleep in for ages and then walk into town and sit around bookstores reading poetry and such. I got this really interesting book called “Notes to Myself”…aynway. I love how that day is just as amazing as the sweaty hot insane PHS dance. I’m just as happy there as I am sitting alone staring out the window with the smell of musty old books around me. Lately I’m happy everywhere.

Then I went to the Italian Fest with Amy and Jeremy. Homg it was nuts. We had so much fun. Such silly stuff. There were sooo many people there. And like tons of hun kids. Highlights:

-Riding that ride and me and jeremy like screaming profusley…and the crazy strobe light ride haha
-Running into CAMERON 3 different times in the midst of 843902 people. and then watching FIREWORKS with him. ugh. it was sort of awkward though
-WE MADE A DEAL WITH A MEXICAN TO LET US ON THE RIDE it was sooo pleasing

Ok so then randomly…like the fest closed at 10 and we didnt get picked up untl 11…becuase we had to freaking run 3 miles in the pitch darkness compltely lost…witnessed a drunk driving arrest…hitchhike with a policeman…and wander on the side of the highway as blackmen yelled obsceneties at us and then had to stand at the edge of mercer county park on the highway for a half an hour waiting and jmo peed ona  stopsign. like seriously. it was sooo wtf. it was an adventure though. i loved breathing in the nightair. it actually felt so much like summer. i was on the verge of tears it felt so much like summer. sigh. but it was beautiful nonetheless.

Then I came home and watched tons of the Office and finally got to talk to Tommy. Which actually…it was soo good. Like he imed me the second i came back from away and we were laughing and joking again…and it just felt like how it used to be…i can’t exactly describe it…but I just get vibes..even though I’m talking to him online…and it just felt like he was the old Tommy. And I definately felt a shift of power from him to me becuase, even though i didn’t thikn anbout it…i’m listed on facebook as being “in a relationship” with connor bowman and so tommy asked

TLDFmy initials: any fine men in your life

out of the blue…which was basically what i did last week. and it really puts us on a bizarre level. but really the only one we can actually achieve. it just seems inevitable that this long distnace relationship cant sustain this but that we really can’t give each other up…so we really seemed to have reached the best place we could be at. i really cant verbalize this very well. aweee. i just really wanted to give him a big hug. we seriously have THE weirdest relationship ever. but i love him. in a totally nondescript way. and like i really think this can work. what we have right now. anyway. the whole thing just made me happy. he makes me happy. and i miss him sooo much. sigh.

Anyway. Then it felt very good to climb into my bed and sleep.

So. Today was splendid as well. Sleeping in late. Strange Days Marathon. And then I decided to get out and breathe life so I got on my bike and went to the park as usual. Swung and such…and then I read the “Notes to Myself” book. It’s really interesting. It’s sort of like my xanga…its just these thoughts. And it got me into this train of thought myself. So I sat in this huge open field reading this book for like an hour and after a whlie I got tired so I started meditating…and I actually reached like the best meditative state I’ve ever reached…it was so brilliant. And it was this incredible moment becuase the sky was overcast and cloudy but I thought it was just so beautiful. Just the way it was. And I’ve learned to see the beauty in everything. Everything. And then I layed there in the grass for a long time…eyes closed….just feeling tiny droplets of water piercing my skin…not full rain drops…just the slight pitter patter of water. And with each drop I felt my senses tingling and just felt the raw experience of being alive…it was really incredible I can’t even verbalize. I was just so happy to be alive. Just to be alive. Just to be able to feel the raindrops on my skin. Just to be able to breathe. Nothing more. It was so pure and brilliant and I finally opened my eyes and felt totally rebirthed. And then I skipped and danced around the open field as the rain became steadier..just happy to be alive. Happy to be breathing. I am so in love with this world right now. Every part of it. Just to be alive.

Then the most ironic thing happened. I got back on my bike finally…ready to go home…just gukping in air and loving everything about the world and myself and life and I get on my bike…and being the silly girl that I am…I start to ride with my eyes closed…I try to do it sometimes to just let go…but this time I just had so much faith and happiness in the universe that I really just believed that life or love would guide me…I wasjust experiencing being alive…so there I am…riding with my eyes closed and of course…for the first time…I just COMPLETELY wipe out…run into a parkbench and slide into a big green trashcan and knock it over. And I just sat and watched the layers of skin pull back and the blood develop and ooze from my skin and the only thing I thought was “Yes. I’m alive.” I don’t know. I don’t know what it was. What on earth that was supposed to mean. That at the exact moment I am most at peace and happy with the world and how it works…I quite literally get torn up…and it was incredible becauise it actually gave me even more insight. Not that the world is random…but that no, I have no idea what’s going to happen…ever…and that that’s brilliant…and that this pain merely proves that I am alive. And that there truly is beauty in everything. It wasn’t showing injustice. It was proving justice. And then the weirdest thing of all happened…I could hardly walk…My entire left leg wouldn’t stop bleeding…but for some reason I was just determined to go down that hill…so instead of just limping home…I got back on my bike…biked all the way up the hill and then sped down it…and I felt more intune with the world and more alive that ever before.

Of course when I got home I realized that my leg was throbbing and bloody and hurt like fuck. My aunt had to wrap it up in crazy shit and I sat on the couch trying not to cry for a few hours. Bizarre eh? Yes. Bizarre.

This world humbles me. There is so much wonder and so much uncertainty. The unknown is beautiful.

It was not to smite me that I was hurt. It was not some “act of God chastising me.” It was merely an experience. A human experience. And it was meaningful because it happened. There is a way of accepting the world with meaning without resorting to the idea of “randomness” or the idea of “the power of God”…but there is the power of humanity and the power of the world itself. There is meaning in existence.

And there is meaning in wonder.



“Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes and I
am left the same as I began. The more things change the more I am the
same. It appears that my life is a constant irony of maturity and
regression, but my sense of progress is based on the illusion that
things out there are going to remain the same and that, at last, I have
gained a little control. But there will never be means to ends, only
means. And I am means. I am what I started with, and when it is all
over I will be all that is left of me.”


-Notes To Myself

Anyway. I don’t really have any words left. Then I went to the italian fest again and ate good food and went on fun ride and just soaked up the lovely moment. i was so happy. im just sooo happy these days. in a way entirely different from summer. i find beauty in eevrything. really. i stand gaping and breathless at the sky and i turn to the person next to me and say “Isn’t it beautiful?” and they look around confused and say “What?” and I say “Look at the sky!” and they look and say “Oh cool” sort of disappointed and dejected and I stand there gazing at the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Why can’t everyone see all the beauty in life. The beauty in a simple ferris wheel. Or in a raincloud. Or in a branching tree. Or in a gust of wind. The beauty in breath. Oh everything is beautiful to me. Everything. Even the most mundane things. This world is so beautiful. And I’m so glad I can see that now. I have new eyes and fresh hope. And that’s really all I could need in this world.

Beauty really is one of the most important things in life. No one seems to see that. Abstract beauty. The concept of beauty. Not materialized, idealized beauty. But fundamental beauty. The idea of beauty. Once you wrap your head around that concept…Oh it’s so magnificent.

Or maybe I’m insane.

“The rainbow is more beautiful than
the pot at the end of it, because the rainbow is now. And the pot never
turns out to be quite what I expected.”

-Notes to Myself

Anyway. The italian fest was lovely and cute and adorable and i loved it and emlyn and i got fried oreos and they pleased me greatly. It was a lovely little night. And I got a pint of rootbeer in the sexiest cup EVER. Ugh.

Then came home and watched desperate housewives. pleasing.

I have no conception of time anymore…I can’t believe I was at the lake just a week ago. I can’t believe I was at the lake on SUMMER just two weeks ago. Everything’s happening SOO fast and at the same time…it feels like forever. Time is elastic and on fire. I don’t know where I am. But I am me. And I am alive. And that’s all that matters.

Life is good. Life is so good. In so many ways. I just want to keep living and living and soak up everything. I don’t need hope to keep me going…hope is within me…and I want to keep going becasue I want to live. Forget about the future anymore. Live for today. Live for yourself. Live without limits. Live with beauty. And simply live.


“I live from one tentative conclusion to the next, thinking each one is final. The only thing I know for sure is that I am confused. What an absurd amount of energy I have been wasting all my life trying to figure out how things “really are,” when all the time they weren’t. My trouble is I analyze life instead of live it.”

“Accept what is. That is what is required. Accept reality as reality is to me now.”

-Notes to Myself.

And now.

Here’s to being alive.

Sooooooooooooo. Basically my entire life boils down to the fact that I. Love. Theatre. I love. My. Cult.  No other words really. I’ve known Boggie for 9 days and already I’m like totally in love with him. And I feel like I’m closer to him than most everyone else…which is so awesome. This is the start of something brilliant.

Today was highly nerve wrecking and insane and I couldn’t really think about anything but theatre but that’s okay. First period was a dumbass health quiz. Then came advanced scene. Well. Here’s the news…

I GOT EXACTLY THE PART I WANTED. AND IT’S AN AMAZINGGG PART. AND I AM SOO HAPPY.

Like seriously for the first time in my life….this is exactly what I wanted…and it’s completely perfect.

Except for two words: Double casting.

I’m double casted as Fairy May with Kiala. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Well. Kiala is SOO much better than me so I’m like vastly intimidated right now. But bah. After school…from the minute the bell rang until 5:30…I was in the theatre. Theatring. It was over 3 hours. It was nuts. And amazing. Seriously. Well first all the people double casted were all pissed and complaining…then Boggie gave a speech to us all for about an hour…and we all feel alot better about it now. Sigh. It’ll be okay we just have to be mature. Then there was like an hour of all hanigng out talking and such…then everyone drifted out until it was just me and Lucy and Boggie and we sat and talked for an hour. About everyone. I loveeeee. It was so pleasing. Boggie has a fucking eyebrow ring! And then Boggie gave us a sledgehammer and together we beat things up and trashed the chess pieces. It was obscene. Then Lucy and I put the ghostlight out togheter. Twas slightly brilliant.

I LOVE MY CULT.

Seirously it’s 9 days in and I could not be more in love. This is the beginning of something amazing. But I have to think that this moment will never come again so as tired and exhausted as I am…I’m trying to seize every fucking moment.

So thios is going to be a challenge for me. A fucking exciting challenge. But a challenge…to compare to Kiala, let alone take on this big part. But I’m sooo ready for it. This is my chance now. To seize my future. “Now go out and live the life you were born to live.”

Today Boggie said “There’s a huge ghost in this room”…referring to Ms. Ohm…and I started to tear. I really. I will neevr forget her. I miss her sooo much. But now, in her memory, I have to take everything she taught me and everything she wants for us all and use it for my future. For this moment. Capture this oppurtunity.

THEN I went to dinner and sat with the cult and we continued to talk theatre…and THEN i went to choir and sat next to elisa and lucy. so bascailly. it was a completely cult filled day. and i loveeeed it.

Other details about the day NOT pertaining to theatre (not that they matter)

– I feel sooo awful about Jen not getting a part…seriously like she probably deserves it more than me and I just feel bad fjkejfke
-I gave Campbell his condoms. Sweet. So fine. So glad all of that is good now.
-Connor Bowman is still pretty fucking fine.
-At the end of advanced scene we had to do really tough improvs that i sucked at but i just decided to bite the bullet and fucking dive into life.
-Last period i had no physics so me and jenny and jess and kristin took retarded pictures. hahaha it was such a waste of a period.
-I think I might drop choir bahh
-I still need to figure out my damn schedule!
-THE OFFICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! = SOOOO PLEASING. UGHHH. it was like a spiritual experience. and emlyn and i were screaming out in delight and raping the screen.

So here comes life. Flying at my face with hope and finally the oppurtunity I was waiting for. Brilliant. I am so excited for this experience. And I’m just going to tackle it without fear. Here is the future. I’m going to wrestle it to the ground and conquer it. Here is the fresh new canvas to seize and color. Here comes life. Here I come. Here goes nothing.

Here’s to hope.

Here’s to now.

dream.jpg

“Now go out and live the life you were born to live.”

-The woman who gave me life.

AhahahahahahahaahHAHAHAHAHhahahahahaah ahhhhhhh

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE AHHAHAAAHAHAH

HAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All I can do is laugh.

Let me see. School was fairly normal. advanced scene was great first thing in the morning because we watched some shittyyyy romeo and juliet and all made fun of it and died of laughter…seriously. we are a fucking cult. and i LOVE it. LOVE LOVE LOVE. wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. then i cried during my free. my paper died and wouldnt print out. skipped summer reading meetings and went to lunch with connor bowman who im seirously like. in love with. like i want to have his babies. video we had random interviews. i sort of sucked. english was utside and ms p was like “girls are friends for like a minute” i dont know i thought it was funny. math is a joke. i spend most of my time daydreaming…no fantasizing about tommy. And that is exactly where my downfall comes in. seriously. when the reality no longer suffices…I fantasize…and then i obsess on the fantasy and then when the reality does not compare to the fantasy I get upset and heartbroken and what could have been a simple “crush” becomes “OMG i’m heartbreakingly in love and he’s tearing my heart out” then neither the reality nor the fantasy match up in anyway and everything starts to give and before i know it i’m in love. in love with the fantasy and the idea that it’s reality or maybe the other way around. everything gets lost in my mind and suddenly it’s killing me. so basically. i really can’t do that. really.

double physics was so fucking dumb.

i actually wasn’t THAT nervous today compared to other days…that period after the last bell rings and before the process begins is seirously SOO fucking nerve wrecking but ahhghgh. since it was sooo long and soo insane and i was more just overhwelmed and exhausted and confused…i wasn’t all that nervous once i aactually got up there.

wow. i don’t even have time to write about the INSANITY of this day. but yeah. basically. like wtf. most BIZARRE auditions of my entire life. no lie. and it’s funny because it’s no longer like I feel like I LOVE taht theatre group and I’m sort of on the inside. Now. It’s a fucking cult. And it’s formalizing right in front of my eyes and cementing right here. And I’m right smack dab in the middle of it. Our cult. I love feeling apart of something…especially this something. I swear to god i love every fucking aspect of it. No words for my love.

So anyway. 34 fucking people auditioned for the fall play. no one really quite understood that except for us adv scene people. there are 11 roles in this play. and seriously. like wtf. auditions took 3 hours. theres really no point in explaining in length exactly why this is fucking INSANE but i understand it. and the cult understood it. we all literally stood there staring at each other with our mouths hanging open just like wtf. what. the. fuck. so yeah. i had to sit and wait in anguish for 3 hours to finally audition. it was fun though becuase like i said…i LOVE my cult. royce and lucy were rearranging the papers to try to throw people off…and then we wree planning a nudist play with margretta and “WHO IS THAT CRAAZY BLACK MAN! THIS ISN’T THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING GOD!” and “There’s always extras Lauren”-the lovely sweet royce. BITCH. hahahah. sooo pleasing. iadore.

anway. my audition was okay-ish. fine. i was more comfortable than i thought i would be. then he made me do it as martha stewart, paris hilton, and then butch. hm. i was just glad to have it overwith.

anyway. after all the auditions…he called the advanced scene class back in and we sat and talked and what the fucked over it all for like an hour. im not kidding i am so in love with them all. just the whole thing. anyway. basically boggie went off on this speil about how he feels obligated to cast us and how we’re the most talented and blah and blah…anyway the whole thing is just so personal and fantastic and adorable i love it. basically then he gave us the oppurtunity to chose if we wanted to be in it. he said how many of you are honestly gonna be like “Fuck you” if you don’t get cast…and we all raised our hands. omg I FUCKIGNG LOVE YIJ. OH AND HE FUCKING READ WHAT HE WROTE ON ALL OUR AUDITION PAPERS. Ive never heard of that before…ever. i am like soo inlove with this program right now. with the cult.  anyway i dont want to ramble on about this anymore…but he said the list is going up second period. basically theres like 8439824902 things up in the air right now and he said he might even change the play altogethre. anyway i dont want to obsess over this anymore. either im in it or im not. and i dont want to get my hopes up but after that whole talk i really dont know how he could cut one of us and it not be like sooo awkward. but honestly if ONE of us is getting cut from the adv scene….it’ll be me. sigh. i reallllllly want to be in this. i just have to wait till 8:43 tomorrow morning. SQUEEEE ❤

cross my fingers, cross my heart and look to the future.

ANYWAY. after all that. im just gonna summarize cuz i neeeed to sleep.

-i went to dinner…fun fun love love i love mr stevenson , riley, bush, amy and the boarder girls.
-FUCKING CVS CONDOM ADVENTURE. ok i seriously need to write about this sometime but not now. AMAZING. AMAZING.
-connor bowman and i are officially going out on facebook. take that tommy vague ambiguous bitch.
-Bryan and I were on the phone together for like 45 minutes talking about his KOREAN HERBS that hes getting high on andhow gangster he is………WHAT THE FUCK.
-WHAT THE FUCK
-i dont evenr emember anything else. everything else is just so confusing right now that i like cant even think.

ahhhh tomorrow my life could change in a new direction. i hope to god this ends up alright. i have a feeling it will.

WHAT THE FUCK.

HOPE. SOOOO MUCH HOPE.

And here’s to the future.

So this is this really fantastic monologue that I don’t think I’m going to end up doing for my audition because I don’t think I can pull it off…but Ijust love it so much…as a monologue and just as a piece of writing. It sort of picks up in the middle of no where becuase I cut out the beginning but read it…I’m sure you’ll like it:

“Because love always cries out to be somehow expressed. (Pause.) Bust the expression of love leads somehow- nowhere. (Silence) You express love, and suddenly you’ve…you’ve dropped off the map you were on, in a way, and onto another one- unreleated- like a bug being brushed from the edge of a table and falling off onto the rug below. The beauty of a face makes you touch a hand, and suddenly you’re in a world of actions, of experiences, unrelated to the beauty of that face, unrelated to that face at all, unrelated to beauty. You’re doing things and saying things you never wanted to say or do. You’re suddenly spending every moment of your life in conversations, in encounters, that have no connection with anything you ever wanted for yourself. What you felt was love. What you felt was that the face was beautiful. And if was not enough for you just to feel love, just to sit in the presence of beauty and enjoy it. Something about your feeling itself made that impossible. And so you just didn’t ask, Well, what will happen when I touch that hand? What will happen between that person and me? What will even happen to the thing I’m feeling at this very moment? Instead, you just walked right off that table, and there was that person, with all their qualities, and there was you, with all your qualities, and there you were together. And it’s always, of course, extremely fascinating for as long as you can stand it, but it has nothing to do with the love you originally felt. Every time, in a way, you think it will have something to do with the love you felt. But it never does. It never has anything to do with love. (Silence)”

Today something clicked in my mind a little. Not really anything of particular importance. But it made a little sense. I’ve always known that I’ve had a more mind-geared focus on things rather than visually…if that makes any sense. But it sort of translates into my passion as well. The pure expression of human thought and human expression into word is what I think I’m probably most inclined to…just objectively. Writing is just no noble and natural for me. And  then theatre…acting…speaks these words…gives them life…tells the story of the human condition. That doesn’t mean I’m opposed to visual expression of self, yet I guess in my mind it seems more personal and less pure, raw…just pure expression…perhaps that’s why self expression through dancing isn’t my favorite. Just a thought.

Mostly just the importance of words in my life I find interesting…and how that connects to my mind. Hm.

Anyway. Today was interesting….fun with jenny and allegra again ummm first free…umm activities fair which is insanity and then fun lunch with sam and rob…video is pimpin…i really really love having art in my day…english isn’t so bad…I’M GETTING CAMPBELL CONDOMS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. It was so funny i asked him what he wanted for his bday and instead of being like “stfu i dont want anything from you” he was like “knowing you you’ll probably get me condoms or something” and then it went into this conversation and he like followed me all the way to class. i really like being friends again. it be good. math is a joke. health was pleasing cuz mark sat next to me. um. then advanced scene…i’m basically totally in love. totally in love with ALL of it. every single aspect. even though ms. ohm would be better…i really love Bogad. and this whole new thing is all exicitng and fresh and…well. yeah.

after school samn freaking pantsed me like none other. omg it was sooo sketchy haha because it didnt really seem like totally intentional…or like she actually thought it would come down that far…but it just FLEW off…and suddenly im standing there in the middle of the tables with 30 people all looking at me in my underwear and im just like ahhhh…pick up my skirt and run away. hahaha. i wasnt really mad at sam…you could tell it was shocking for everyone involved…mostly i was just a little embarassed. haha. sigh. good times. and i still LOVE CONNOR BOWMAN! soo pleasing he is.

then i was supposed to go to dance but i only went for like 20 minutes. i was just too damn tired. i got hoagie haven and came home and actually worked on this paper but its still complete shit. now i have auditions tomorrow and i still have no fucking clue what im doing. great. great stuff. oh well. at this point i just want to get it overwith. randomly i just fell asleep for a few hours. my body is really not adjusting to this whole “doing stuff” thing very well. sigh. i’ll get the hang of it.

Boggie (haha I love that) said that we’ll know casting my thursday for sure and friday is the first rehearsal. ahhh it’s all happening so fast. Crazy to think that in a matter of days I’ll be trhust into something new (hopefully). Anyway I’m still excited for all of life.

well. it looks like i actually can go to the national young leader’s conference…but hmmm…i’m not so sure about it…not only would I miss a week of school but (theoreticallly) i would miss a week of play practice too…and i wouldn’t really be able to see tommy at all. maybe its just better to wait until we’re both done with sports/plays and stuff and really go for it for real. or maybe this relationship can’t withstand that time. i don’t know. i really have no idea. i need to talk to him. i mean really…..talk to him.

And Cameron rocks! Well then…

To the future.