Yeah I have no idea what today was…um. I slept in too late so I
didn’t go to the beach…instead I just hung out with Jeremy all
day…that was fun…I had missed him alot and he was actually being
normal so that was good. We went to the pool…rode our bikes there
actually…which was fun…I told him about Tommy…I apparently had
not told him…then we came home and rode our bikes to the park and
swung on the swings for a while…I dominated him…then played in the
sandbox for a long, long time. That was actually fantastic. It was
totally unassuming, childly spontaneaty…and he buried me completely
in sand…and I just felt all the weight of all my past and regrets and
worries piled ontop of me…and then I stood up and broke free of them.
But I’ve learned to carry my baggage with me.
Then we rode around for a while…made Jeremy a facebook…then watched spinal tap. Sigh.
Oh. And the fact that my dad called me up to tell me that he’s getting remarried to his hooker next week.
was in such shock that I just burst straight into tears on the
was quite literally out of a movie…my mouth literally fell open and
soon after tears just burst from my eyes as if they had been ready to
leap, stiffled in, until now they could finally break free. It was one
of the most amazing crying experiences I’ve ever had…the tears were
completely unprovoked…just pouring without stopping…to the point
where I couldn’t differenciate between one and the next…just a steady
stream of blurred emotion and shock. Just crying over blatant words,
without the slightest contemplation. It truly was shock…I had never
thought…rather…had never wanted to think about this prospect…but
I guess I always knew it was entirely possible…but then…to be told
all of the sudden, not that he is thinking of getting remarried and
wants my approval…no…but that he’s getting remarried to a
homewrecking skank next week…and that he wants me to decide on the
spot if I want to fly out to chicago to go. And then of course blinding
thoughts swim into your vision…like the prospect of “stepmom” and
“stepsister” and then of course that this means that your father has
abadoned your family for one last final time and has finally adopted
his new one. Finality. And shock. And a new daughter for him. And where
does that leave me? He’s no longer my father. The day he walked out on
us…he walked out on me as a father. So I cried…and listen to him
tell me…in his twisted and roughened voice…my own father…with no
explanation as to why he never brought this up to me before…and tried
not to let him know that I was crying…pulling the phone away whenever
I gathered strangled breath and whispering muffled replies to all his
bullshit questions and carefully formulated cliches. I completely
forgot Jeremy was there. Maybe that was what made the whole experience
even more surreal…Jeremy just sat there…watching me sob…with
suspended disbelief…confused and worried…and not that I didn’t have
any shame against crying infront of Jeremy…but I was just so wholly
wrapped up in that moment…nothing in the world mattered…nothing
could have stopped me from crying me in that moment. In that one moment
I forgot where I was, who I was…nothing but the words coming out of
the phone and the feat of trying to sound fine. I’m always trying to
sound fine. But I’m not fine. But I loved that release…release of
just pure emotion. I’m glad he told me on the phone…I would never
have wanted him to see how much pain he causes me. I couldn’t hardly
get anything out of my tightened vocal chords and ended up just hanging
up and suddenly all at once regaining conciousness. Wiping my eyes and
explaining to Jeremy…hugging him…then moving on with my life. We
didn’t talk about it again. I acted like it was just another
heartbreak. But the truth is…….I have no fucking clue what to do.
No fucking idea.
How can my life have become this?
And where does this leave me?
I will never forget that phonecall.
Life continues to amaze me.
I was talking to Bryan about it after and I said
“My god it was like a scene out of a movie…this whole thing has been like out of a movie”
And Bryan remarked
“No. It’s worse than a movie, because a movie doesn’t capture the raw
reality of an actual human being actually doing this to another person.”
I don’t really have any other words. Not yet at least. I have no idea
how to approach this. It’s one of those important moments you know that
you’ll look back on often and that will change the course of your life
forever. But for now…all you can do is take it in.
Later tonight me and Bryan and my mom sat in a circle and sort of cried
together…what’s left of my family…and mom through tears just said
“I can’t believe this is actually my life.”
Bryan responded, calmly “This isn’t your life. This is just a distraction.”
When does life stop being so real.