Today was brilliant. Just utterly brilliant. I had to wake up at like 8
to go to Dorney park all day with my friends…and I actually adored
every moment of being with them. For some reason all the social drama
and high school bullshit just disappeared and I just loved them. All of
them. Just blissful summer moments again. We took those amazing old
fashioned photographs and that was just about the funniest thing I’ve
ever done. We went on a log flume all 8 of us in one and we were
singing the whole way down…that was so cute. We went on the swings
right before we left…as the sun was setting…and I just felt like I
could lift out of my chair and fly away.
Then I got home around 8 and was on the phone with Sarah for like an
hour which was really really nice. I was really glad to talk to her
again. When we actually first starting talking it was like two old
friends catching up…and I actually felt really sad to be so
disconnected from her life…but soon we got right back to our normal
selves. I miss her a whole lot. Then we went to watch Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory….the original…out infront of the hopewell train
station. I adored it. It was beautiful….lying under the stars with
Sarah watching this movie…it was soo summery and so sweet and I loved
Then I went home and talked to Tommy. Argh. I’m really glad I got to
talk to him…but at this point it’s just frustrating…everything
about the situation. Except that the second he starts to talk to
me…even online…I get fluttery and red and excited…he just makes
me happy. But we’re at this horrible impass right now…where it’s no
longer just fun and flirty conversation…and it’s not yet a voiced
relationship…we both know that we can’t sustain this sort of a long
distance relationship and we both know that this is on the verge of
becoming something serious and we’re still stuck on step one. And
neither of us have the courage to voice any of it becasue we’re both
too scared that the other one will realize that this has no future and
end it. But I think we both know. So I don’t know what to do and I’m
frustrated and we both can’t really take the insufficient communication
so we’re starting to get annoyed at each other. I don’t really know
where to go from here. I’ve never done something like this before.
Plus the fact that I started to get on the verge of fainting and was
just randomly bursting into fits of tears. I have no idea what’s wrong
with me. I guess it’s just after effects of this whole “remarriage”
idea. Hmph. Ugh.
I neeeed Tommy. Waaa. jfkefjkeafaeklejf. I don’t know where to go from this point.
I need out.
I had come so far. So far. And now I’m right back down to square one.