And I’m on the verge of tears I miss Tommy so much.

And normally I wouldn’t care if he didn’t feel the same…I’m just
afraid that things between us aren’t the way they used to be…and they
never will be again.

There’s no hope for us.

Wow. August is over. That’s it. In a flash my last breath is taken from me.

Looking back now. It was all foreshadow. It was alll fucking foreshadow. Does that mean fate exists?

I hope this is a good omen then.

So.

“On a similar note, I think I’ve moved on to someone else, but I’m not
quite sure at the moment. I’ll see how everything develops, and until
then, here’s the future.”

-Matt’s blog

Let’s hope that that’s Jackie.

I really enjoyed reading his blog…stalker-ish though it may be…I
found it really sincere and sensitive. I love a good writer…male or
female.

Ahhhhhhh kill me. Thoughts of Tommy are plaguing me.

Plaguing me.


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Oh sigh.
I feel like I’ve found myself. Life seems so much clearer with a path.
Finally. I really want to dedicate myself to being an artist. In every
shape and form.

But I’m a tad overwhelmed. Scheduling insanity and feeling smothered
and stifled by high school…and I’ve got choice…but not enough
choice to feel free. So I can’t decide anything. It’s unheard of at the
Hun School to want to do two arts. Gasp. You’re interested in something
other than football, popped collars and a future of money-making?
That’s what they’re breeding. Art? What are you thinking? It’s okay.
I’ll just accept it for what it is.

Plus I’m sort of upset at myself and at the world at the fact that I’m
losing my…dancing. I virtually can’t dance that much this year…it
doesn’t fit into my schedule and it’s depressing…I’ve been a dancer
since I was 3 years old. Since I could walk I was dancing. So naturally
it’s difficult to let it go but…ugh.

Today was really really blah…woke up at like 3 or 4…went to Hun to
figure out schedules…got an application for prex…started thinking
about the prospect of school again. Meh. Worked on shit. Watched Kyle
XY. Didn’t talk to Tommy. Finished up my journal/scarpbook. Watched
some fun stuff with Bryan. Sighness.


My mother has lost her fucking mind.

So. Saturday was…good.

Twas swell and long and nice.

The day started out like complete INSANITY my mom started crying over
the vaccuum and flipping out over the swiffer and we were just
screaming at each other for hours…it was not pretty. But then once I
slammed the door in her face and ran out to Sam’s car…I felt alot
better. Me and Amy and Llatel and Jon and Sam drove out to some sketchy
day camp for some party of her dad’s work. Hahaha it was soo sketchy
butsoo much fun. Hahaha it was amazing good fun. There was like
everything there…like mini golf and kyacking and tetherball and pool
and waterslide and moon bounce and etc etc…and we did all of it. It
was AMAZING. Amy won a hula hoop contest…then we won a tug of war
contest…failed at water balloon toss and dominated the pinata. It was
such good bizarre summer fun. Childlike and lovely. And hahaha there
was a fucking rainbow train! I adored it. Paddleboating was so much
fun…and so calming. And also I loved being with Jon…I’m gonna miss
him so much. Anyway it was good fun. Aaaand I was a total obnoxious
bitch to the DJ mark and it was SOO much fun ahahah…we were like
harassing him violently. I loved it. I got a medal for winning
something so I felt really accomplished. Haha.

We took Jon home…saw his GODLY rent picture…and gave him our final
goodbye. That was sad. I’m soo amazed how fast time has flewn…I knew
him since 6th grade…and now my boy is all grown up and
leaving…sigh. It was sad. But I know he’ll haev a blast…and I’ll
still see him. Aw. Sigh.

Then we went hottubbing in sam’s OBSCENELY hot hot tub…and then me
and lauren drove to orlean’s…yessss….orlean’s. teehee. it was sort
of awkward being with lauren…but whatever. the party was fun…haha
it was quality…we hung out in his basement for a while…it was fun
though because miles and matt byrnes were there an di love them…isort
of love that group of boys in a bizarre way…i guess they remind me of
my brothers and the tomboyish side of me. Then we watched fight club. I
had never seen it before. Hmmm. What did I think…I’m not really sure.
Haha it seemed like an important thing to see and it had been on my
list of things to watch for a long time. I’m glad I saw it. I didn’t
think it was perfect. I thought the twist was a little contrived and
incoherent and actually unnecessary…but on the whole I really enjoyed
it alot more than I thought I would. It was intense. Then we watched
the Phantom whihc was like the greatest movie ever and matt took tons
of pictures. Ummmmmmm. I’m not going say anything esle
hahahahfejfkejahhahah. And then he gave us FIREWORKS and we went home.
Twas a good night.

And I adore Mat.

Then when I got home I finished Old School. Um. The end was bizarre.
But I liked the book alot. I enjoyed reading it. And haha I’m so glad I
got it finished hahahahah im such an idiot.

Then today I set aside for completely vegging becasue I’m been so busy
lately. Haha it scaresme that right now this past week has been “really
busy” and once school starts that’ll be like nothing. I hope I’m able
to adjust well. I’ve had such a wonderfully lazy summer haha.

So today I slept…went to starbucks during a house showing…then came
home and watched movies all day curled up on the couch. I watched
sideways which I really liked…Camp which I loved watching bcause it
was so USPA and because I love musical theatre…but it’s really a
horrible movie ahhaha…and then Somewhere In Time…which I absolutely
ADORE. That’s one of the best movies…ever. heh. Then we watched the
Emmy’s. Nice.

Emlyn’s home.

Tommy and I talked. And it was good…really good. I’m so glad we did.
Like I’ve said before…I’m okay just so long as we’re able to
talk…if we go a bit without real contact…I start going crazy. And I
have good news. I mean…sort of brilliant news. I think I might
actually be falling for him. And not because now things are getting
complicated and I don’t want to let go and not becasue I have this idea
of him in my head…but I just really love talking to him…and he
really is like no one else I’ve ever known. This one’s special. And
maybe it can amount to nothing. But I really love just talking to
him…having him…and I love this new feeling of caring more than I
thought I did. I need this in my life. So thank you.

Oh no now I remember why the boy is fucking amazing. And why I think I
may be falling for him. I’m going to try not to fall just for the sake
of falling…but I’ll just take what life gives me. Anyway. This is the
point…I fucked up….MAJORLY. Hahaha I won’t even get into how much I
messed things up. I wanted to cry. I had no fucking idea what to do.
And I felt like Tommy had every reason to hate me and look down upon me
and think I was immature and I thought for sure there was no way to
heal things. It was not a good feeling. And I really needed to talk to
him but was sort of dreading it…so I left a comment on his facebook
saying “forgive me for being a hoe. but you must come back so i
can explain hmph.” becuse i was starting to feel desperate and bad
about myself. And so I’m sitting there watching the Emmy’s and I get a
message on my mobile im from tommy….APOLOGIZING…him…apologizing.
When it was COMPLETLEY my fault. Haha and it wasn’t in a whipped sort
of meaningless apology…he was really just trying to be comforting and
considerate. Haha I literally just sprinted upstairs smiling from ear
to ear to talk to him and we were suddenly talking just the way we used
to…as if this…our first ffight…had actually cleared a bit of air.
It was aamzing. It was the first feeling I had that our relationship
could actually work…that we can actually have a healthy balanced
relationship. Haha I sort of wanted to just melt into him. Sigh. The
rest of the converstaion for the next few hours went back to flirty
brilliance…even closer than before…and even more silently belonging
to each other. Not the slightest idea how that could hve come out of
what happened…but it did…and I am soo glad it did. I’m experiencing
all of this stuff for the first time and relishing every bit of it.
It’s an adventure…a giant leap…but I think I’m starting to trust
him more and more and more importantly…trust myself. I had never
realized how insecure I was until Tommy came into my life. How
perpetually afraid I was. Of love. Of putting myself out
there…emotionally…of giving myself to someone…telling the whole
truth…and blindly accepting that which you should
blindly accept. I never never thought that I was afraid and bottled
up…I always thought the opposite…but after years and years of
loving from afar…you don’t often get used to the idea of opening
yourself up to someone in ways you’ve never experienced. Rather, it
probably hones the isolation, shame and fear. I’ve never been accepted
like this before. And I am so thankful for everything he has given me.
Actually he can see straight through me. And I’m shocked and thrilled
and terrified. And scratch what I said before…I trust him
entirely…and for once I’m the hesitant one in the relationship. I’m
the one holding back. Hopefully he can help me to fly.

Sexy quote from Fight Club. I loved this line.


“The West is a death-denying society that deifies youth and physical beauty.”

Um. Random quote from my book. I liked it. And agree. Sigh. I am so not afraid of death.

Ahh life.

 
 

Today was brilliant. Just utterly brilliant. I had to wake up at like 8
to go to Dorney park all day with my friends…and I actually adored
every moment of being with them. For some reason all the social drama
and high school bullshit just disappeared and I just loved them. All of
them. Just blissful summer moments again. We took those amazing old
fashioned photographs and that was just about the funniest thing I’ve
ever done. We went on a log flume all 8 of us in one and we were
singing the whole way down…that was so cute. We went on the swings
right before we left…as the sun was setting…and I just felt like I
could lift out of my chair and fly away.

Then I got home around 8 and was on the phone with Sarah for like an
hour which was really really nice. I was really glad to talk to her
again. When we actually first starting talking it was like two old
friends catching up…and I actually felt really sad to be so
disconnected from her life…but soon we got right back to our normal
selves. I miss her a whole lot. Then we went to watch Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory….the original…out infront of the hopewell train
station. I adored it. It was beautiful….lying under the stars with
Sarah watching this movie…it was soo summery and so sweet and I loved
it.

Then I went home and talked to Tommy. Argh. I’m really glad I got to
talk to him…but at this point it’s just frustrating…everything
about the situation. Except that the second he starts to talk to
me…even online…I get fluttery and red and excited…he just makes
me happy. But we’re at this horrible impass right now…where it’s no
longer just fun and flirty conversation…and it’s not yet a voiced
relationship…we both know that we can’t sustain this sort of a long
distance relationship and we both know that this is on the verge of
becoming something serious and we’re still stuck on step one. And
neither of us have the courage to voice any of it becasue we’re both
too scared that the other one will realize that this has no future and
end it. But I think we both know. So I don’t know what to do and I’m
frustrated and we both can’t really take the insufficient communication
so we’re starting to get annoyed at each other. I don’t really know
where to go from here. I’ve never done something like this before.

Plus the fact that I started to get on the verge of fainting and was
just randomly bursting into fits of tears. I have no idea what’s wrong
with me. I guess it’s just after effects of this whole “remarriage”
idea. Hmph. Ugh.

I neeeed Tommy. Waaa. jfkefjkeafaeklejf. I don’t know where to go from this point.

I need out.

I had come so far. So far. And now I’m right back down to square one.

Yeah I have no idea what today was…um. I slept in too late so I
didn’t go to the beach…instead I just hung out with Jeremy all
day…that was fun…I had missed him alot and he was actually being
normal so that was good. We went to the pool…rode our bikes there
actually…which was fun…I told him about Tommy…I apparently had
not told him…then we came home and rode our bikes to the park and
swung on the swings for a while…I dominated him…then played in the
sandbox for a long, long time. That was actually fantastic. It was
totally unassuming, childly spontaneaty…and he buried me completely
in sand…and I just felt all the weight of all my past and regrets and
worries piled ontop of me…and then I stood up and broke free of them.
But I’ve learned to carry my baggage with me.

Then we rode around for a while…made Jeremy a facebook…then watched spinal tap. Sigh.

Oh. And the fact that my dad called me up to tell me that he’s getting remarried to his hooker next week.

I
was in such shock that I just burst straight into tears on the
phone…it
was quite literally out of a movie…my mouth literally fell open and
soon after tears just burst from my eyes as if they had been ready to
leap, stiffled in, until now they could finally break free. It was one
of the most amazing crying experiences I’ve ever had…the tears were
completely unprovoked…just pouring without stopping…to the point
where I couldn’t differenciate between one and the next…just a steady
stream of blurred emotion and shock. Just crying over blatant words,
without the slightest contemplation. It truly was shock…I had never
thought…rather…had never wanted to think about this prospect…but
I guess I always knew it was entirely possible…but then…to be told
all of the sudden, not that he is thinking of getting remarried and
wants my approval…no…but that he’s getting remarried to a
homewrecking skank next week…and that he wants me to decide on the
spot if I want to fly out to chicago to go. And then of course blinding
thoughts swim into your vision…like the prospect of “stepmom” and
“stepsister” and then of course that this means that your father has
abadoned your family for one last final time and has finally adopted
his new one. Finality. And shock. And a new daughter for him. And where
does that leave me? He’s no longer my father. The day he walked out on
us…he walked out on me as a father. So I cried…and listen to him
tell me…in his twisted and roughened voice…my own father…with no
explanation as to why he never brought this up to me before…and tried
not to let him know that I was crying…pulling the phone away whenever
I gathered strangled breath and whispering muffled replies to all his
bullshit questions and carefully formulated cliches. I completely
forgot Jeremy was there. Maybe that was what made the whole experience
even more surreal…Jeremy just sat there…watching me sob…with
suspended disbelief…confused and worried…and not that I didn’t have
any shame against crying infront of Jeremy…but I was just so wholly
wrapped up in that moment…nothing in the world mattered…nothing
could have stopped me from crying me in that moment. In that one moment
I forgot where I was, who I was…nothing but the words coming out of
the phone and the feat of trying to sound fine. I’m always trying to
sound fine. But I’m not fine. But I loved that release…release of
just pure emotion. I’m glad he told me on the phone…I would never
have wanted him to see how much pain he causes me. I couldn’t hardly
get anything out of my tightened vocal chords and ended up just hanging
up and suddenly all at once regaining conciousness. Wiping my eyes and
explaining to Jeremy…hugging him…then moving on with my life. We
didn’t talk about it again. I acted like it was just another
heartbreak. But the truth is…….I have no fucking clue what to do.

No fucking idea.

How can my life have become this?

And where does this leave me?

I will never forget that phonecall.

Life continues to amaze me.

I was talking to Bryan about it after and I said
“My god it was like a scene out of a movie…this whole thing has been like out of a movie”
And Bryan remarked
“No. It’s worse than a movie, because a movie doesn’t capture the raw
reality of an actual human being actually doing this to another person.”

I don’t really have any other words. Not yet at least. I have no idea
how to approach this. It’s one of those important moments you know that
you’ll look back on often and that will change the course of your life
forever. But for now…all you can do is take it in.

Later tonight me and Bryan and my mom sat in a circle and sort of cried
together…what’s left of my family…and mom through tears just said
“I can’t believe this is actually my life.”
Bryan responded, calmly “This isn’t your life. This is just a distraction.”

When does life stop being so real.

Life just continues to get more and more beautiful. And I’m finding more and more meaning in the word meaning.

Today I rode around on my bike for 4 hours. I was determined to find
the lake place I had found before but I got lost and was just about to
go home when I ran down a stray path and just happened to run across
the lake place. Heh. It was meant to be. So I found another way there
which is actually easier. Imagine that. I spent another few hours there
just soaking in the beauty…reading various philosophy and poetry
books I bought…writing poetry…and contemplating. That’s really all
I need out of life. I can’t even begin to comprehend the journey I’ve
taken this summer. I am so glad. So glad. There is no pursuit more
powerful than that of the mind. And I feel like…not to be cliched and
say that I’ve changed so much…because a human being is at a constant
state of change…but I feel like I’ve living the life I was meant to
life. And I feel like I’m the person I always wanted to be.
Unbelievably flawed and inconceivably imperfect…but the sheer fact
that I’m grasping life and letting it fill up my lungs…paint the
chipping corners of my mind with beauty and throw my fractured heart
into the wind. Where it can soar. That makes me feel like I am all that
I ever need to be.

I just love being alive.

I think that this spiritual quest I have embarked upon has been one of
the most important experiences of my entire life. And will continue to
be for the rest of my natural life…this pursuit is undoubtably
crucial to my development. I think when it’s all over at the end of the
summer I’ll write all of my findings. Sigh. Until then…I’ll keep
experimenting and researching and thinking. I cannot express enough how
glad I am to have entered this path.
And I also have to say that it’s very important as well that I read
some actual philosophy…not becasue it necessarily opens me to new
ideas…but because it actually only verbalize what I already
think…It was actually incredible…the last time I read philosophy
books back in march or so…I was in over my head not able to
understand hardly anything they were saying…and reading them now…I
not only completely understood them…but I had already had those
thoughts before. So it’s good…not to raise my ego…but to humble
myself…that I’m not the only one with these thoughts…that I’m not
alone…and that all humans are connected. It’s vastly important to not
begin to think of yourself as the sole thinker in the world. I also had
been given a very very strange idea of existentialism previously…most
highschoolers just said that it was “the idea that life is chaos” so I
thought that was sort of cool but not very moving…then when I
actually read a book on Neitchze…I realized extistentialism is really
nothing like that…at all…the “chaos” thing is only a product of
aeithism…and I don’t consider myself an aeithiest but I found myself very keenly drawn to the idea of
existentialism…it actually seemed incredibly similar to my personal
philosophy which I seemed to have devised and adopted. Funny.

So this is the beautiful place that I discovered. I must must must take
Tree-Axe there. It’s my own private heaven. I know I shouldn’t have
taken a picture of it because now it’s no longer a secret place…but
oh well. It’s beautiful.

 

Then after that we went into the city and saw Avenue Q which I must say
was splendid. I mean absolutely fantastic. I loved it. At first I
didn’t really know what I thought of the staging with the puppets…and
whether or not the stage was a good medium for this sort of
performance…but I decided it was actually brilliant. The show itself
was crazy yet somehow incredibly real lyrically and endearing. It
really was raunchy but I loved it. Naked muppet sex on stage is a once
in a lifetime sort of thing. I was so just wordlessly pleased with the
show that I jumped out of my seat at curtain call smiling from ear to
ear. You can’t help but like the show.


That’s us infront of the theatre ALL in freshly bought Avenue Q shirts
but you can’t really see…twas still amazing. I adore broadway. That’s
my third broadway show this month. That’s amazing.

So basically an amazing day. Everday is amazing these days.
Every breath. Every subtle poetic image. Every emotion. I’m loving
every inch of life. And I love that I’m seeing with these new eyes.


AND FUCKING USHER IS GOING TO BE BILLY FLYNN IN CHICAGO ON BROADWAY. HOW FUCKING AMAZING IS THAT? PRETTY FUCKING AMAZING. I AM SOOO GOING.

AAAAAAAAND TIM BURTON IS MAKING SWEENEY TODD INTO A FUCKING MOVIE AND
JOHNYYYYY DEPPP IS GOING TO BE SWEENEY TODD. *Mouth falls to ground*
That was the best news I ever heard.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND………DANNY…………..EQUUS………..
NUDE…..HORSES. SEX. NEED I SAY MORE? No. No I don’t.

I think that’s just about far too much juicy goodness for me to handle. Basically the world of theatre is GODLY. Godly I say!

Yes I believe in god. It is the majesty of broadway.


There’s a fine, fine line between love



And a waste of time.





And I don’t have the time to waste on you anymore.



I don’t think that you even know what you’re looking for.



For my own sanity, I’ve got to close the door



And walk away…

-Avenue Q-

Today was brilliant.

I went to the library and read philosophy books for 5 hours.

And I finally got to talk to Tommy. And I feel alright about it.

TLDFmy initials: ok darling you should come to d.c anyway, just tell
your om you vvisiting a boy you want to marry and live with forever

Heh. I adore him.

I also adore Erica Hope.

Fucked up shit with Melissa but I love her. My mom. Has. Lost. It.

Furlong is scary as hell. Freaking all of Poe chatroom…that was fucking hilarious.

Going to bed the earliest I’ve gone to bed in a long, long time.

I love living for me.

Life is abundant with beauty.



“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.”



— Albert Einstein

So no. It’s not going to work out between us…and somewhere in my
heart…I’ve come to terms with the fact that that’s okay. I’m okay.

It’s not even because there is no other choice. It’s because my heart is at ease.

This is a big step for me.

I’m going to try as hard as I can to stay rational.

I want more than anything else to be back there. Back to our past. Back to where they’re mine and we are hope. I want it.

I am so trapped. So eternally trapped.

There’s no way out of this situation. My first summer love. And I mean
that in every sense of the word. The poetic eternity wrapped in utterly
raw reality of impending fate. Summer love can only ever be summer
love. And that’s what you’ve given me.

So thank you.


I’ll sing it one last time for you


Then we really have to go


You’ve been the only thing that’s right


In all I’ve done




And I can barely look at you


But every single time I do


I know
we’ll make it anywhere

Away from here




Light up, light up


As if you have a choice


Even if you cannot hear my voice


I’ll be right beside you dear




Louder louder


And we’ll run for our lives


I can hardly speak I understand


Why you can’t raise your voice to say




To think I might not see those eyes


Makes it so hard not to cry


And as we say our long goodbye


I nearly do




Slower slower


We don’t have time for that


All I want is to find an easier way


To get out of our little heads




Have heart my dear


We’re bound to be afraid


Even if it’s just for a few days


Making up for all this mess




Light up, light up


As if you have a choice


Even if you cannot hear my voice


I’ll be right beside you dear