So. Saturday was…good.
Twas swell and long and nice.
The day started out like complete INSANITY my mom started crying over
the vaccuum and flipping out over the swiffer and we were just
screaming at each other for hours…it was not pretty. But then once I
slammed the door in her face and ran out to Sam’s car…I felt alot
better. Me and Amy and Llatel and Jon and Sam drove out to some sketchy
day camp for some party of her dad’s work. Hahaha it was soo sketchy
butsoo much fun. Hahaha it was amazing good fun. There was like
everything there…like mini golf and kyacking and tetherball and pool
and waterslide and moon bounce and etc etc…and we did all of it. It
was AMAZING. Amy won a hula hoop contest…then we won a tug of war
contest…failed at water balloon toss and dominated the pinata. It was
such good bizarre summer fun. Childlike and lovely. And hahaha there
was a fucking rainbow train! I adored it. Paddleboating was so much
fun…and so calming. And also I loved being with Jon…I’m gonna miss
him so much. Anyway it was good fun. Aaaand I was a total obnoxious
bitch to the DJ mark and it was SOO much fun ahahah…we were like
harassing him violently. I loved it. I got a medal for winning
something so I felt really accomplished. Haha.
We took Jon home…saw his GODLY rent picture…and gave him our final
goodbye. That was sad. I’m soo amazed how fast time has flewn…I knew
him since 6th grade…and now my boy is all grown up and
leaving…sigh. It was sad. But I know he’ll haev a blast…and I’ll
still see him. Aw. Sigh.
Then we went hottubbing in sam’s OBSCENELY hot hot tub…and then me
and lauren drove to orlean’s…yessss….orlean’s. teehee. it was sort
of awkward being with lauren…but whatever. the party was fun…haha
it was quality…we hung out in his basement for a while…it was fun
though because miles and matt byrnes were there an di love them…isort
of love that group of boys in a bizarre way…i guess they remind me of
my brothers and the tomboyish side of me. Then we watched fight club. I
had never seen it before. Hmmm. What did I think…I’m not really sure.
Haha it seemed like an important thing to see and it had been on my
list of things to watch for a long time. I’m glad I saw it. I didn’t
think it was perfect. I thought the twist was a little contrived and
incoherent and actually unnecessary…but on the whole I really enjoyed
it alot more than I thought I would. It was intense. Then we watched
the Phantom whihc was like the greatest movie ever and matt took tons
of pictures. Ummmmmmm. I’m not going say anything esle
hahahahfejfkejahhahah. And then he gave us FIREWORKS and we went home.
Twas a good night.
And I adore Mat.
Then when I got home I finished Old School. Um. The end was bizarre.
But I liked the book alot. I enjoyed reading it. And haha I’m so glad I
got it finished hahahahah im such an idiot.
Then today I set aside for completely vegging becasue I’m been so busy
lately. Haha it scaresme that right now this past week has been “really
busy” and once school starts that’ll be like nothing. I hope I’m able
to adjust well. I’ve had such a wonderfully lazy summer haha.
So today I slept…went to starbucks during a house showing…then came
home and watched movies all day curled up on the couch. I watched
sideways which I really liked…Camp which I loved watching bcause it
was so USPA and because I love musical theatre…but it’s really a
horrible movie ahhaha…and then Somewhere In Time…which I absolutely
ADORE. That’s one of the best movies…ever. heh. Then we watched the
Tommy and I talked. And it was good…really good. I’m so glad we did.
Like I’ve said before…I’m okay just so long as we’re able to
talk…if we go a bit without real contact…I start going crazy. And I
have good news. I mean…sort of brilliant news. I think I might
actually be falling for him. And not because now things are getting
complicated and I don’t want to let go and not becasue I have this idea
of him in my head…but I just really love talking to him…and he
really is like no one else I’ve ever known. This one’s special. And
maybe it can amount to nothing. But I really love just talking to
him…having him…and I love this new feeling of caring more than I
thought I did. I need this in my life. So thank you.
Oh no now I remember why the boy is fucking amazing. And why I think I
may be falling for him. I’m going to try not to fall just for the sake
of falling…but I’ll just take what life gives me. Anyway. This is the
point…I fucked up….MAJORLY. Hahaha I won’t even get into how much I
messed things up. I wanted to cry. I had no fucking idea what to do.
And I felt like Tommy had every reason to hate me and look down upon me
and think I was immature and I thought for sure there was no way to
heal things. It was not a good feeling. And I really needed to talk to
him but was sort of dreading it…so I left a comment on his facebook
forgive me for being a hoe. but you must come back so i
can explain hmph.” becuse i was starting to feel desperate and bad
about myself. And so I’m sitting there watching the Emmy’s and I get a
message on my mobile im from tommy….APOLOGIZING…him…apologizing.
When it was COMPLETLEY my fault. Haha and it wasn’t in a whipped sort
of meaningless apology…he was really just trying to be comforting and
considerate. Haha I literally just sprinted upstairs smiling from ear
to ear to talk to him and we were suddenly talking just the way we used
to…as if this…our first ffight…had actually cleared a bit of air.
It was aamzing. It was the first feeling I had that our relationship
could actually work…that we can actually have a healthy balanced
relationship. Haha I sort of wanted to just melt into him. Sigh. The
rest of the converstaion for the next few hours went back to flirty
brilliance…even closer than before…and even more silently belonging
to each other. Not the slightest idea how that could hve come out of
what happened…but it did…and I am soo glad it did. I’m experiencing
all of this stuff for the first time and relishing every bit of it.
It’s an adventure…a giant leap…but I think I’m starting to trust
him more and more and more importantly…trust myself. I had never
realized how insecure I was until Tommy came into my life. How
perpetually afraid I was. Of love. Of putting myself out
there…emotionally…of giving myself to someone…telling the whole
truth…and blindly accepting that which you should
blindly accept. I never never thought that I was afraid and bottled
up…I always thought the opposite…but after years and years of
loving from afar…you don’t often get used to the idea of opening
yourself up to someone in ways you’ve never experienced. Rather, it
probably hones the isolation, shame and fear. I’ve never been accepted
like this before. And I am so thankful for everything he has given me.
Actually he can see straight through me. And I’m shocked and thrilled
and terrified. And scratch what I said before…I trust him
entirely…and for once I’m the hesitant one in the relationship. I’m
the one holding back. Hopefully he can help me to fly.