I feel like writing a whole lot. No I need to write a whole lot. But
the words keep getting caught up and sliced up in my throat…jumbled
in my mind and inexpressible to the world. I don’t have the
concentration to sit and channel my heart. But I need to. So I’m stuck
at an impass.

I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of unrelentless emotion
and circling resolutions that resolve to nothing. I’m rejuvenated and
free. I’m cast under the spell of summer and I follow no one. No rules
and no expectations. I’m afraid. Fearful of what awaits me and fearful
of what I never did.

I guess I never wrote the things I wanted to. I doubt the words will
ever find meaning or association then. I’m leaving tomorrow for camp
and frankly…I don’t really know what I was thinking. I suppose I’ll
just go and see what awaits me. I can only close my eyes and blindly
jump. But I am honestly quite nervous…I’m so out of practice and
unqualified when it comes to musical theatre…I’m scared I’m going to
be horribly awful. So it’s good that it’s only a week…it could either
be a week of pure and unexpected brilliance like Mountain Lake…or it
could be awful but only 6 days to endure. Either way I think I’ll be
okay. I doubt I’ll have internet access and if so…I won’t have the
time or privacy to write…so I have to admit that I’m disappointed in
myself for never writing the things that I wanted to write…but I
can’t regret that now.

Honestly I have no idea what stands before me. But I know that I’m
going to be pushed to limits I’ve never felt before and experience
things I’ve never conceived…so in that sense…I’ll embrace whatever
comes my way with an open heart.

I find myself in a strange place…with a foreign and unsettling calm
about my being. I’ve accepted summer as a passing flicker of
light…not to discharge the darkness…and not to contrast the
grey…simply for what it is. And that’s alright. I am in paradise. I
am so free. So alive. So captivated by the world and so enchanted by
the simplest of joys. But I can also see that it’s alright to accept
that maybe I’m just not one of those “summer girls.” I can jsut accept
that I don’t live like everyone else. That’s really really okay. I
don’t need it all. This has probably been the best summer of my entire
life. And I’m just so at peace with time. I’m certainly not looking
forward to school…but I’m not counting days…backwards or
forwards…I’m simply suspended in midair…looking no where but
straight ahead. This summer has been what I always wanted…time to
myself to be free and do what I wanted…not what my mother
wanted…and it’s been totally exactly what I wanted and needed…it’s
not that I’d be okay if summer ended right now…but I feel right now
as if I’ve gotten everything out of summer that I needed to…and so
this extra month is just more time to drift and dance with the stars.
Incredible. I still have time. I’m so pleased with my perspective right
now. Just so pleased with all the time I have left…and pleased with
how I spent my time already…not caught in between wishes and regrets.

But at the same time…I’m plagued with unceasing darkness…to the
point where it loses darkness altogether and pain just becomes an extra
limb. A growth that I have to live with. It fuses with myself so to the
point that the pain no longer exists. The tears and onslaught of
emotion remains stale and unwavering…but the pain is merely an
afterthought. I can cope with this. If life becomes a reality. Then it
no longer becomes painful. It becomes truth.

Maybe I’ll just write about the one night. Just for my own sanity. To
put it to rest. It was Tuesday, July 11th and I had become close with
the boys without really being close at all. Without really knowing much
at all…I felt comfortable enough to hang around with them till all
hours of the night…I just trusted them. They were wound up and filled
with enough bullshit to fill an ocean. But I trusted them and I honored
them and I adored their presence because they filled me with such hope
and juvenile laughter that it didn’t really matter what they were
saying or why. They just made me feel comfortable and worthy to bear my
own skin. So it was getting late…around 11 or so…Emlyn was out in
the woods salamandering…and the boys and I were lounging around the
pavilion with dazed looks on our faces. I was hesitant to sit there and
engage in another conversation filled with a variety of different
marriage proposals and awkward comebacks…for the previous night I had
found myself feeling thoroughly awkward after Will asked me to be his
“girlfriend”…to which I sort of giggled and didn’t respond. So
suddenly…with the courage of the night and the fierceness of my heart
set ablaze by these two strangers…I found a girl quite foreign to me
residing over me and filling myself up with a sense of spontinaity I
rarely ran across. Suddenly words were jumping out of my mouth and
ideas formulating before I even knew they were possible…I genuinely
have no idea where this idea came from…it didn’t even seem to be
mine…but suddenly it was there:

Me: “Let’s do something wild”
The Boys: “Psh. Yeah…like what?”
Me: “Let’s jump in the pond”

The look on their faces was inscrutable…surprised but incredibly
pleased…and I’m sure mine was too…for I wasn’t even quite sure what
I was saying. They seemed thoroughly in shock of me…not in the idea
exactly…but in the boldness with which I was approaching it…they
had only seen me bottled up and insecure…something that I rarely am
normally…but with two 17-year old boys I’ve known for a matter of
days…was certainly a reasonable thing.

After the thought was out into the air…it was followed by a series of
silly rhetoric and talk…mostly…”I’m down with the pond, are you
down with the pond?” “I’m down, are you down?” back and forth
laughing…but for the most part the action was quick and
instinctive…an incredible amount of lightness and faith in the moment
that could not be broken by anything. And before I knew it I was out in
the damp night air…sand in between my toes, watching as these boys
rapidly stripped right before my eyes…it was vaguely
unbelievable…merely because the moment was traveling so quickly and
so streadily…as if this had been planned forever and was merely being
taken out as fate’s wishes. I didn’t really know what I was doing or
where I was going but, swept up in the moment I just gazed as these
boys just fearlessly dived into the deafeningly black
water…and…upon surfacing…looked at me expectantly as if knowing
that I had never actually planned to join them…as if I didn’t have
the courage. But I was merely too dazed to know what was going on and
in a split second decision I flung my inhibitions to the wind and just
quickly flung off my jeans and sweater…tripping and laughing as I
did…and without another thought in my head…no meditation or worry
or joy…not a thought in my head…I dipped into the black abyss. I
wasn’t quite aware myself of was I was doing…and that’s what I found
quite remarkable about the whole experience…as if I was simply
exactly where I was supposed to be exactly when I was supposed to be
there…and at the same time I was truly living on a whim.

It wasn’t exactly rebellious or extreme…but it was completely
unexpected…and forbidden to go in the pond after dark. I found myself
unquestioning but unaware of what I was saying. The idea and the
proposal was not what shocked me…but the mere beauty of the
situation. It wasn’t an impressive feat…nor was it really anything
special…but just so magical…and liberating…and completely
thoughtless. That was the characteristic about me that felt so
transposed…I wasn’t even thinking…I was just saying…acting…and
that was a feeling quite inspired and thrilling to me. There was no
analyzation anywhere…just swift motion.

My head seemed to regain some conciousness once I reached the thick
platform directly in the middle of the pond…and suddenly I realized I
was about to pull myself up onto a platform holding two boys I had no
idea even existed a week prior…sopping wet…wearing only my
underwear…in the complete dark of night. And I realized it was bloody
brilliant. I suddenly felt so alive. And suddenly there we were…the
three of us…in the prime of teenage existence…lying on a fragile
platform in the middle of a pond on a mountain in the middle of no
where…no one in the world to see us…no one to judge us…nothing
could touch us. That’s when I felt truly free. It wasn’t a truly
spectacular event…but it was a truly spectacular experience. In that
moment…under the soft glow of lights…I felt entirely
free…entirely confident….entirely unafraid.

There was quite a bit more laughter and “Wow I can’t believe you
actually stripped down and jumped in the pond with us Lauren”…you
could tell they saw me in a completely different light now…their eyes
were completely bewildered. I was a little too. But at the same
time…I was so sure of everything. Everything I was. And I didn’t have
a single thought in my head like “Oh I wish Campbell could see me up
here with these two gorgeous boys” or “Boy is this going to make a
great story”…it was simply…”I feel so alive.”

Once we got to the platform…we were entirely golden. Just completely
untouchable. I didn’t know where I was or who I was or who I was with
but I felt so complete. I sat on the edge of the platform and dipped my
feet in the pond casually…feeling the soft, warm water graze my skin
and took in the surroundings for a while…gazing fondly at the lights
reflecting on the pond…the jarring mountains in the distance…and
the curvature of the night sky above me…bespeckled in glinting stars
and lay there…practically naked…with two strange unclothed boys and
felt still more unafraid. And we layed there in perfect harmony and
blissful paradise for what seemed like hours. Time seemed to stop and I
only recognized the feeling of black water on my skin. We talked about
everything. Laughing constantly. I had just met these boys and yet I
felt as if I had known them my whole life. They were utterly
perfect…giving and flattering and with the most adorable sense of
humor that you could grab hold of and lay with. And yet…I still felt
like they were too unknown to me…and I had yet to see the undoubtable
serious side of them…so I started asking serious questions…about
their lives…about their past…etc. And they were glad to
share…exploiting their ex-girlfriends and sad childhoods. I sat and
listened and giggled. Then there was a period of dancing where we all
stood up and danced naked…hahah…that was brilliant too. Then
finally they got annoyed that I wouldn’t share anything about my
life…and again…the transition was entirely thoughtless…in a split
second decision I suddenly decided to let go and share what I had to
share. So I gazed out into the mountains and just began
spilling…everything…and I could literally feel the walls collapsing
around me…it was a much more difficult and strange experience of
sharing my life than I had ever had…I felt jumbled and
hushed…unsure of how to verbalize everything. For someone who had no
idea of anything in my past…I was just a bouncing soul…it was sort
of fascinating to sharpen the edges around me…I wasn’t quite sure
what to say but words were just bouncing out of my mouth without much
connection or relevance…but they were out. And I felt free. And they
were interested. And they cared. And taht was enough for me. That was
beyond enough. They listened patiently as I described the horrors of
Rob, Kerr, Campbell, my father…and more…intent and aware but not
overbearing and not over sympathetic…and just halfway through
speaking they suddenly both just put their arms around me and hugged me
hard and close through my garbled words. I felt so completely in place
and so finally accepted and while very weak, finally very much free.
More so than I had ever been before. They were so sweet through the
whole thing…and when Will explained that his parents were also
divorced…I felt no longer alone…but not patronized or subdued in
anyway. Suddenly everything was clearer and brighter than ever before.
These boys were being entirely genuine and completely helpful and
heartfelt…and it was so uplifting. It was something I had never
known. It was simply magical. Everything. I just remember unscratched
darkness completely envelopping me all around…but with this
incredible glow and aura of magic around me…whether it was the boys
or the moment I’m not quite sure. But it was magical.

At some point we were suddenly struck by the presence of another human
being…and realized that some 40 feet away…Tommy’s dad was
approacing us…and we immediately layed flat on our backs…hoping to
not be seen. But suddenly he was calling to us and Tommy was
answering…hesitant but fearless and there I lay…hand over my mouth
trying to subdue my giggles…sandwiched between Will and
Tommy…gazing at the stars. Eventually Tommy’s dad walked
away…apparently not concerned that we were there…and the three of
us layed there under the stars for a few silent moments before breaking
into whispered talk again…them being so honest and fearless and
genuine in everything they said…constantly thanking me for being
their friend and saying how blessed they were that I had come up and
how rare it was to meet someone like me. Although I felt precisely and
unmistakably the same way, I couldn’t say it. I just soaked it up and
looked at the stars…hoping some of what they were saying would help
to mend my broken ego. Finally I realized with a heavy heart but I
forced giggle that Aunt Cheryl would come looking for me if I didn’t
get back soon…although she was being understanding letting me run
around with boys at night…she wouldn’t tolerate me showing up at 2 in
the morning drenched. So once I told the boys this…we finally
concluded our night deviations and headed for shore. I didn’t want the
beautiful moment to end but I also felt like I was still on the right
path. Everything just seemed clear. So I watched the boys dive into the
black water…and stood there uncertain…I hadn’t gone under the water
upon coming in for I was able to wade in and then swim above the water
to the platform…but now there was no way I was getting back without
diving…and I wasn’t exactly sure what was in the water…but I felt a
wave of uncontrollable sureness and in a most sensational moment of
blind faith and flight…I let go of everything…shed everything…and
without the slightest moment of thought or shred of decision…I just
leaped into the thick, motionless black water below me…ominous and
mysterious but so captivating…I felt entirely electric in that
dive…I’ll never forget it…and the plunge into abyss was entirely
energizing…as if I was gripping life by the tail and thrusting myself
onto it without a care in the world. So alive.

I surfaced gasping for air but completely stricken with a smile from
ear to ear and slowly but steadily swam back to the miniture beach
where the boys stood waiting…unclothed…the moonlight bouncing off
their carefully crafted muscles.

We were still laughing and joking when we got to the pavilion…the
boys still utterly shocked that I would have the nerve to not only
brave the pond at night…but to come up with the idea. I myself was
simply electrified and ecstatic. We ran around attempting to find
things to dry ourselves with but found that it was quite futile and all
went comando…laughing as I took a picture of us…victorious and
wet…before we finally headed out of the pavilion towards the cabins
without a look back. But everything ahead of us…a new understand of
each other…and a beautiful unreachable moment of connection in which
I had truly connected myself with another being. That was a rare,
beautiful blessing. They walked me back to my cabin in the dark…still
laughing, reminiscing and closer than ever…in their silly attempts to
“win me over”…Tommy picked a flower for me saying I was “so much more
beautiful than it” and then Will picked me one too…and they fought
over which one was better. Finally we reached my door…still
wet…still laughing…and still totally enchanted. I was completely
ablaze and still waving and whispering things to their shiny faces
below me as I opened the wooden door and stepped into the cabin
finally. They stood below me gazing up, blowing kisses and smiling
until I finally closed the door on one of the greatest nights of my
life. I had never had that sort of pure, blind love. Just complete
welcoming and generous giving. It was like my wildest dreams. What I
had always imagined. What I had always dreamed of. Right before my
adolescent eyes. Right there. And I was in the moment. In that perfect
moment. There.

Then I sort of stumbled around the cabin…hot and feverish with
happiness…satisfaction with life…disbelief and aglow with fresh,
summer love…clutching their flowers in my hand and breathing in the
aroma with all of myself. I couldn’t really get over how magical the
night was for quite awhile…so I just sort of sat on my bed in
disbelief for quite a while…wrote my organic feelings down and slowly
faded into peaceful, serene sleep. The happiest I had been in a long,
long time.

I have so much love in my heart for these boys.

Thank you for giving me one of the best nights of my life. Thank you. I
can’t thank you enough. I’ll never forget. I know that for sure.

I felt the whole night was meant to be. Precisely as it was meant to
be. I felt fate for one of the first times. Completely ahold of me.
Everything happened as it was supposed to.

Right now my Mountain Lake memories are fresh and crisp but frayed
around the edges…when I got home they were just lingering on my lips
and bright bountiful dew collapsing on every eyelash that I could
capture anytime I desired…now they’re beginning to chip and
fade…and soon enough they will become fragmented stills, painted in
the way I want them to be…and the truth will be lost and the beauty
will be forgotten…and it will be just another photograph. Oh I never
want that to happen. I want to live in that night forever. Forever.

The picture actually didn’t come out like I planned at all. I guess
that’s alright. It didn’t come out like much…you can’t really see
anything…but I actually really love it…it sort of captures the
night in a way I could never have imagined.


Heh. And now. Even after I’m gone…Tommy never stops:

TLDFmy initials: lauren suchenski I am in love with you

And no matter how much I want to and how true it is…I can’t tell him I love him back.

I want nothing more than to be back there with him. Pure unfathomable bliss.

Sigh. What is this life?

I’m not gonna lie…I’m really
nervous and uncertain about camp…I have no idea what I’ve gotten
myself into. What am I doing. I’m going to be awful. Ugh. Why am I
doing this I have no talent…

So here I go again…for another dark dive into abyss…

Thank you. ❤


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